WARNING: THERE ARE SOME TRIGGERS ABOUT SEXUAL INNUENDOS, SEXUAL ABUSE, AND HOMICIDE.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Chapter 11
Abandoned Part 2
'H-he is giving me the lip contact? Not that I mind, however…why?' Still in a state of shock, Starfire didn't respond. This didn't go unnoticed by Robin who suddenly felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. The lack of movement from her lips told him everything he needed to know.
'Why I kissed her? I have no idea, but at least I know how she really feels about me. Shit! Why did I have to go and do that?! Now our entire friendship is ruined because of me and my inability to control these damn horm-' However, Robin's thoughts were interrupted when Starfire began to respond to the kiss. Unsure if he was going to pull away, Starfire closed her eyes while slowly bringing her hands to Robin's shirt and tightening her fists around said clothing. This move brought them closer together as Starfire pressed her lips to Robin's further and harder than she expected. Then again, when was she going to have another opportunity like this is again? With that in mind, the Tamaranian lowered herself, bringing them even closer, if possible.
Well, he thought, I guess she does like it. At this point, Robin's hands were floating above Starfire's waist, realizing that this was the first time he was actually going to touch Starfire. Well, he has had contact with her in the past, but it was always when his gloves were on. Never had he known how she really felt like. Now, he had the opportunity to see how her skin felt under his gloveless hands. Would it be exactly how he fantasized it would be? Or would it be more soft and smooth or rough and hard? Either way, he would finally touch her, and for real this time, and he would make sure that he didn't screw it up along the way.
Once his hands landed on Starfire's waist, she gasped. Not only was she surprised that Robin actually touched her, with his bare hands mind you, but the fact that he seemed to have sighed into her mouth once it happened gave her stomach butterflies. Being the opportunist at the moment, Robin used her gasp as an excuse to let his tongue explore the inside of Starfire's mouth. The first thing he met with was her tongue, which seemed to have been ready for his since they immediately began to entangle with one another- not that either of the two minded of course.
Starfire felt like this was all a dream. Robin, the boy-no, man-she loved for the past three years was finally kissing her and he seemed to be happy about it. However, a dark and depressing thought continued to creep itself into her mind, always attempting to ruin her euphoric mood.
I hope you understand that he will leave you. Is he not the Batman's son? Was he not taught about the dangers of letting people get close to him? Are you willing to accept the feeling of abandonment once he realizes that he has let down the man that has raised him? Made him into who he is today? Do you dream of breaking the relationship the two have? Are you that desperate to be loved?
Feeling the need to prove that Robin wanted her just as much as she wanted him, Starfire broke away from the kiss for a few seconds to get more air. Robin did the same and was about to meet her lips again before she attempted to wrap her arms around his neck. Being in the position they were in, with her on top, Robin took it upon himself to grip her waist tightly and roll her until her back was on the mat.
"That better?" He managed to ask in one breath, which turned out to make his voice sound deep.
Underneath him, Starfire blushed in response to hearing how his voice sounded.
'Ugh, how cuter can she get? Did I just call Starfire 'cute'? Fuck it, I don't care if I call her cute, as long as she's in my arms then I'll be fine. Yeah, just her and me...' Once again, he was pulled away from his thoughts when Starfire reached up and yanked his lips to hers. The re-initiation of the kiss was hard and sloppy, but she didn't seem to care. All she wanted was him. It was clear to Robin that she longed to continue the kiss as much as he wanted to. He'd be lying if he said that he didn't want to do other things with her- with her permission of course. Besides, the boy had dreams at night. Dreams that taunted him and, more recently, left him with a sticky substance in between his legs when he woke up.
No one knows how long the pair continued to 'swap spit', but their kisses had calmed down. They were more passionate and clean. They still had that hunger for each other, yes, but instead of wasting the time they had with sloppiness, they spent it with the fear that they wouldn't be able to do this again.
They did stop to catch a breath once in a while, Robin more often than Starfire since her lungs were more than capable of having less oxygen than humans required, but after a second or two, one would attack the other's lips, again.
'X'hal, I pray to you that this is not a dream. This feels much too realistic and never had I attempted to control my happiness as much before. I feel as though I am able to fly to the moon and back, in the literal sense, with how elated he has made me. Please, make this true. I love him with all my heart and I do not wish to let him go. I wish for him to stay with me... forever.'
Unfortunately, it felt like Starfire's moment with Robin was a dream as his lips were suddenly ripped away from hers. Starfire opened her eyes, albeit anxiously, to see that his facial expression showed confusion. He looked behind him and back down at her, more like looking past her, a few times before clearing his throat.
"Star?" He asked in ragged breaths. "Any idea on how we ended up on the ceiling?" Starfire matched Robin's expression and as she turned around, she found herself embarrassed to see the floor beneath her, as in yards away. Her head swiveled back to look behind Robin, and she could see nothing but a gray ceiling. Oh, I do not believe I was trying hard enough to cease from floating.
A blush made its way to her cheeks and she focused on anything else but Robin's mask. "I believe you are familiar with how my powers function. To obtain the ability of flight, I use happiness. When we were making lip- uh, when we were kissing, I was delighted. That is why we are currently in the position we are in."
"Oh, w-well...I-I'm glad I could make you feel that way." Robin stammered. Whenever Robin was nervous, mainly around Starfire, he would unconsciously rub the back of his neck, and as he was about to do so, Robin remembered the situation they were in. At the moment, Starfire was the only one who was stopping him from falling. Remembering this only caused him to pull the alien closer to his body and tighten his grip on her which caused the girl's blush to deepen. However, it didn't take long for her to realize that his action was because of the distance between him and the floor. Despite how her happiness dimmed slightly, she knew that she would be more focused on not falling had the roles reversed.
"I am sorry, Robin. I shall put you down, yes?" Starfire asked with a hint of dejection in her voice. Robin gazed at her for a quick moment before a smile pulled at his mouth. "As long as I continue kissing you, then I don't care where we are." Despite how confident the Boy Wonder had sounded, he was quite the opposite. One thing was for sure, he wanted to be closer to Starfire.
"I see. Well, I do not wish to disappoint my fearless leader." She smirked.
Before she was able to pull him into another kiss, slowly and gently this time, Robin beat her to it and crashed his lips against hers.
When he did this, instead of being surprised, Starfire merely smiled against his mouth. She felt at peace.
This seemed too good to be true. If it was a dream, then at least she could smile at the memories her mind had made up.
Even in a dream you would force yourself upon the poor man. I believe he is "feeling sorry for you". Appreciate it while it lasts, Koriand'r.
Please leave me be. Just for a while.
But why? I am a part of you. Always have been, always will be. Besides, I believe I have already given you a break.
Starfire's smile diminished. You may take what you want from me, but I am begging for you to leave me alone! I only wish to appreciate the moment I have with Robin in peace!
Tch, you are pathetic. Begging only shows how weak you are. And the only thing I "want" from you is for you to accept me.
Accept what? Starfire's eyebrows scrunched themselves together and by now, the alien was only giving half of her effort in returning the kisses.
Accept that you are a troq. A nothing. Accept that you are weak, pathetic, selfish, hideous, gluttonous, and do not belong. Accept that no one wants you. Accept that you are a mistake, something that should not have been created. ACCEPT THIS KORIAND'R.
No! I do belong! I am not weak, pathetic, selfish, hideous, gluttonous, nor a mistake! I was created for a reason! ...I...I think...
ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE IMPURE, ALONE, AND HAVE YOUR BODY COATED IN THE BLOOD OF OTHERS!
It was in self-defense! They forced themselves upon me! I will not allow any being in the universe do what they did to me and carry on without facing the consequences!
Ah, but they did not carry on, now did they? You killed them in cold blood Koriand'r. You did not look back nor do you regret your actions. Tell me, do you enjoy the pain of others? Do you consider yourself a sadist?
I do not enjoy the pain of others! T-They deserved it all!
Curious, how does one live with a guilt-free conscious? I was there, I know what happened. You did not sacrifice yourself for the sake of your people.
...
Wouldn't you say that the death of one life is better than the death of thousands? I see no selflessness in you. If you had died then, then perhaps I would have developed a fraction of respect for you.
...
Ah, well, I should leave you to the human. Have fun, even though you do not deserve such a privilege.
I...I do not deserve fun. I killed them... I do not deserve happiness... I do not deserve Robin...
They fell. Lucky for them both, Starfire thought of Silkie and stopped them from plummeting further.
"The hell? Why were we falling? Are you okay?" He asked while cupping one of her cheeks. "Did I do something wrong? Did you not want me to go any further?" By hearing his pained voice, the Tamaranian knew that Robin was most likely tormenting himself. Damn him. He believes that he has done something wrong when it is clearly I that has made a mistake.
Starfire shook her head. None of this was his fault, if anything, it was hers for not thinking of him. Instead, she was thinking of herself and trying to prove that she wasn't what that thing said she was.
Evidently, she was wrong.
"No, you did nothing wrong. I apologize deeply, Robin." Despite the kind expression that was plastered on her face, Robin knew that she was hiding something. Now that she was right there in front of him, he was able to see her more clearly. There was a depressing look in her eyes, a look that didn't fit her at all.
"Then what's wrong?"
"Um," Starfire bit her lip as blood rushed to her face once again, "would you mind lifting yourself off of my person?"
Behind the mask, Robin's eyes widened and a faint blush also crawled itself to his cheeks. "Yeah, sure, sorry 'bout that." Within seconds, Robin was already up on his feet, offering his hand to Starfire, who took it as if it was second nature. She was soon on her feet as well, both of them looking away from each other, creating an uncomfortable atmosphere accompanied with awkward silence.
You know what you must do. It will hurt, that is no lie, however you must think of him. He would be happier without me in his life. They all would be. I would no longer continue to irk them with my questions, and they would be able to enjoy their time more freely. Friends Beastboy and Cyborg are the best of friends and friends Raven and Robin have their bond. They all have each other, but I have no one. No family. Starfire mentally shook her head. No, this is not about you. Robin. This is about Robin. How do I tell him that we cannot pursue a relationship? Hmm…
'Robin, I very much enjoyed the amount of kisses we recently shared; however, we cannot continue doing such activities as this. I believe that it is best if we remain friends. Yes, as friends. Our partnership during attacks is glorious, and I believe that maintaining a relationship will only taint it. I believe that as the prodigal son of the Batman, you too know the consequences of becoming involved with a person. I do not wish for you to get hurt, especially by me.' No, I should leave the 'especially by me' part. 'I do not wish for you to get hurt.' Yes, better. 'If that were to happen, then I would personally hold myself responsible, knowing that I could have prevented such an incident. Therefore, remaining as friends is best for the future of our team, and ourselves.' …Perhaps I should reword some parts?
As Starfire maintained her confession, Robin cleared his throat. Her head snapped to the sound and found that he had put his gloves on, with a stoic expression sitting on his face. She missed his smile.
"Starfire," Robin began. "I don't think we should continue doing this."
"…I am, sorry…?" What is he doing?
"We shouldn't- ahem- do anything like what we just did again." His hands were hidden behind his back and his jaw was clenched.
"What? Why? Am I not sufficient?" Robin's stoicism shattered due to Starfire's question, but if someone were to come in at that moment, then they wouldn't be able to tell who seemed more astonished. Robin, obviously, was taken aback by Starfire's question of not being enough. Didn't she notice how nervous she made him? How he was always there when she fell? How he was practically wrapped around her finger, although he wouldn't admit it? Undoubtedly to Robin, Starfire questioned his fondness for her whereas she was just as surprised to find out that it was he who would stop their relationship before it started. Of course, Starfire didn't think that Robin would go down on his knees and beg for her to be with him, but she did hope that he would at least want something between them.
"No! It's not like that! I just," Robin took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, "I know that us being together wouldn't be a smart thing to do." Starfire lifted an eyebrow for clarification.
Robin sighed. "Back when it was 'Batman and Robin', Batman taught me how I should never kill someone- even if they're the enemy-, learn from my enemy, never make the same mistake twice, how to fight even if it kills me, and how to control my emotions. When it comes to the last one, I basically can't be in a relationship with anyone. Team member or citizen. If that were to happen, then people like Slade would take advantage and use them against me. Starfire, if we were to be a couple, even if we didn't tell anybody, then Slade or The Joker or another villain would find out somehow and hurt you to get to me." He took a step closer.
"I don't want them to touch you. If we were a couple, then they would use you and only you. I don't want you to get hurt." One more step. "You're someone that I care for- way too much if you ask Beastboy or Cyborg- and I have to protect you at all costs." Robin reached to cup Starfire's cheek, but refrained himself midway. His arm dropped back to his side and his stern demeanor returned. He took back the steps he took and cleared his throat. "Do you understand?" While his head was positioned to look like he was watching her, his eyes were staring at anything else.
"…"
"Starfire…?" Robin stole a glance and saw how her head was turned to the side, a tear falling down until it reached the mat.
"…"
"Star…" Forgetting what he previously said about their relationship, Robin was about to take quick strides over to the alien and pull her into a hug before Starfire sharply turned her head to his direction. She was grinning from ear to ear and seemed so… cheerful… Her arms were tucked behind her back and her eyes were wide open, but watery.
"You need not worry, friend Robin! I understand perfectly! I also do not wish for you receive injuries! You are my best friend and I wish for it to remain that way. I would also like to apologize for my inappropriate behavior prior to our discussion. You shall be happy to know that that will not occur ever again. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must feed the Silkie. My little bumgorf must miss me so! I shall see you later, Robin!" The Tamaranian all but ran to the door, and left.
Robin stood there continuing to stare at the door. To be honest, he thought that Starfire would try to make him see the error of his choice. However, her previous attitude seemed to have been a rude awakening.
Starfire locked herself in her room and went to the corner farthest from the door. Her hands were clenched over her heart while her knees had drawn themselves up to her chest. She stayed in that position for a few moments, staring at the floor, not knowing how to feel. Should she have felt happy that Robin brought up the idea and initiated it so she wouldn't have to? Or should she have tried harder to keep Robin? While questioning her actions, she heard a chuckle emit from behind her.
"Oh, the poor thing. Abandoned, are we? Or were you the one that abandoned him? Hm?"
Hello people of the world! It is I, light is in the dark! I see it's been a couple of months since I've last seen you, eh? Yeah, life hasn't been that great, which is one of the reasons of why you haven't seen this story in a while. Anyway, before I forget I would like to say Happy New Year's and I hope that this year is better for you all than it was last year! You all deserve it!
Now, for why I haven't been updating is because of writer's block- I hate getting them, but I have to live with it- and as you know, this story is based around my depression, and in case you haven't figured it out by now, I am depressed. For the past couple of years, it has hit me pretty hard up to the point where it was so hard to even move and breathe. However, after my parents made me see a therapist, my depression went away for a while. There are times, however, when my depression comes back, and when it comes back, it doesn't hold back. Those are the days when I wish I was gone. Basically, I lose interest in everything that I like, including writing, and knowing that some of you are waiting to hear from the story, that's what hurts me. Anyway, homework and school (same thing) have been getting in the way. But hey, I'm a junior now, and that's how it's gotta be. IT'S THE CIIIIRCLE OF LIIIIIIIIIIIFE! (I am so sorry)
Okay, I think I'm done and I hope you guys get to see more of this story very soon. Oh, and I'm working on the other stories too, so don't worry about that.
Please review and all that good stuff! I don't own anything but Warner Bros. and DC Comics do!
Always yours,
light is in the dark
"...I will exile my thoughts if they think of you again, and I will rip my lips out if they say your name once more. Now if you do exist, I will tell you my final word in life or in death, I tell you goodbye."
- Knut Hamsun, Hunger
