Author's Note - I'm so sorry this took so long to get out.... Life got in the way, lol. I hope you like this and let me know what you think. A bit of a warning to my angst lovers - it gets a bit fluffy at the end here and will continue to get fluffier. Of course, some angst will follow as they both have their issues they need to work out.
Haunted Memories
Chapter 11
EPOV
I could hear a stream as it babbled in the distance, about a mile away from where I was. I could hear the soft sounds of forest animals as they scurried about. I could hear the breeze fluttering through the trees.
It was a surreal moment as I lay there in the grass, listening to the sounds of life around me. For a moment, I couldn't remember anything leading up to this moment. And then it all came rushing back.
For three years, I had been running from my memories of Bella. Three years I had tried to forget her and move on with my sad excuse of an existence. Three years I failed. Every couple of months, I would hear, see or somehow understand that someone from my own family had found me and was closing in. Always with their thoughts centered on Bella. I would always run, wishing they would just get the hint and leave me alone. But they never did.
I had been in this place for a month. It was comfortable; a place Bella would have loved. It was miles away from any kind of human habitation, which made it easier for me to attempt starvation. I knew it wouldn't work because Carlisle had tried the same thing. But, it made me weaker and every single day I hoped for some form of unconsciousness or death. I was finally granted unconsciousness. I don't know how, and I don't know why. I am not about to start questioning miracles. I only hope that I can somehow duplicate whatever it was.
I took a slow breath to smell the air.
"Edward?"
A sudden, anxious voice broke the silence and I wondered how in the hell anyone could have snuck up on me. They must have done it while I was unconscious. Of course there would have to be a downside to the miracle.
"Edward! Oh, my god… Carlisle!"
The voice was very familiar to me and I pushed my first instinct aside. Bella was not here; I would never see her again and that was how I wanted it. I think.
What I wouldn't give to know exactly what happened. I heard Carlisle's thoughts approaching, thinking about the fact that I was lying here unconscious. Or had been. I realized that, aside from breathing, I hadn't moved at all since my thoughts became coherent again. I didn't want to move. I wanted to lay here and drift back to unconsciousness.
I felt Carlisle's hands on me as he picked up my hand. I pulled it back, not wanting to be touched. He was surprised and saddened that I refused his touch.
"Is he okay?" the familiar voice asked.
"I don't know, Bella," he said, his mind mulling over different possibilities based on things he'd seen and read in his years as a vampire.
I furrowed my eyebrows. Bella? No, she wasn't here. She couldn't be here. I kept my eyes closed. I hoped that if I stayed unresponsive, except the touch thing, they would leave eventually.
I felt another hand touch the top of mine, the one I'd pulled away from Carlisle. I wanted to pull away, but the gentle buzz of electricity that accompanied the touch refused to let me. I had only ever known one person whose touch came with an electric hum. I squeezed my eyes shut refusing to believe that she was here.
But what if it was her?
I shook my head. Maybe this was a dream. I had forgotten what it was like to dream, but I would have thought that there would have been some kind of image attached to the sounds. Maybe I wasn't dreaming; maybe I was dead. How could I be, though, if Bella was here? That would mean she was dead, too.
Panic surged through me and I gave in, opening my eyes and hoping for something that would confirm that Bella was still alive.
The night sky seemed darker than usual against her beautiful face. As I gazed at her, I furrowed my eyebrows. She looked even more beautiful than I remembered. Paler. Worried. She smiled tentatively as her bottom lip trembled. I looked into her eyes and became more confused. They used to be brown. Deep brown pools that I could lose myself in. They were no longer brown. They were gold. Like mine. Like a vampire.
A movement caught my attention from the corner of my eye and I turned my head slightly to see Carlisle leaning in to look at me closer. Bella moved away just slightly to allow him room.
Holy hell. I heard him thinking as he stared at my left eye. I turned my head away from him. Impossible. Completely and utterly impossible.
"What is?" I snapped, a little surprised to hear my voice.
Tears. Was all he thought.
Oh. Right. My left eye had mysteriously sprung a leak on me right before I went unconscious. I wanted to know what Carlisle thought of that, but I wanted to know more about why Bella looked so different. It was still her; she still smelled like her… mostly. I sat up slowly and looked at her. She smiled back at me and suddenly everything was perfectly clear. She wasn't human anymore. She was a vampire now.
"What is going on?" I grated.
Her smile fell minutely, and she took a deep breath.
"Edward," she said, her voice breaking. "I..." She looked down and took a deep breath again, her lip trembling still. "I'm so… I can't express…" She smiled halfheartedly and reached out her hand to touch my arm. I didn't pull back.
It was disappointing yet not surprising to know that I still could not read her mind. I furrowed my brow, trying to read her thoughts anyway. I picked and probed at her mind, hoping to find a way in. Nothing. Carlisle was keeping his thoughts guarded and I sighed in frustration.
Her smile fell completely as she looked at me.
"What happened?" she asked.
"I'd like to know the same thing," I said, gesturing toward her.
She held her breath for a moment before she glanced at Carlisle and stood up. She walked away from me quickly and I tried to get up to go after her.
Hold on. I need to check a few more things. Carlisle thought as he put a hand on my shoulder.
"I'm fine. I have no idea what happened, but I'm fine. Let me up." I said, a little harsher than necessary. He released my shoulder and I stood up, going after Bella. As I walked in her direction, I started picking up on Alice. Then Jasper. Rosalie, Emmett and Esme were not far behind. The whole family came here. I had to wonder what was going on since Carlisle's thoughts were not giving anything away.
I discovered them in my house, essentially waiting for me. Alice had seen that I was on my way. Her vision coupled with Jasper's knowledge of my feelings should have clued them in. But no, they were all waiting for me. I furrowed my eyebrows in frustration as I stormed in the door, Carlisle not far behind me.
"Tell me what is going on." I snapped, looking for Bella. She was not there. I looked around and sniffed. She had been in here.
Their thoughts were a jumble, all at once, each person going over some detail or another of the last three years. I tried to concentrate on one, but they were all screaming their thoughts at me. I squinted my eyes closed and held my hands up.
"Wait, wait… One at a time, please." I said. Their thoughts turned to their apologies and I rolled my eyes.
Alice stood up and walked to me. She threw her arms around my neck and hugged me tightly.
We thought we would never see you again.
I wanted to laugh at her. That was how I wanted it. I pushed her back slightly and looked into her eyes. I wanted to know.
"Where did Bella go?" I asked. She furrowed her eyebrows.
"She was very worried about you," she said.
"But where did she go?" I repeated.
"For a walk; to give you some space," Alice said.
This was getting me nowhere.
"Yes, Edward, Bella is a vampire. We helped her; Carlisle changed her; and she has been with us for the last three years, just about. Since she graduated," Alice said as she backed away to stand by her husband.
Jasper wasn't calming me down and I had to wonder why. He obviously felt my massive amounts of betrayal, anger and… regret?
Yes, I feel it. You should go find her. She was very upset when she left. Hurt. Rejected. Unwanted, Jasper thought
A part of me wanted to run again, but a bigger part wanted to find Bella so I could get her side of the story and find out why she was so upset. If any one of my family had talked her into this, I would… I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but they would definitely regret doing it.
"I'm going to look for her," I said, turning toward the door.
Do you want us to leave, Edward?
I looked up at Carlisle, unsure of how to answer. I wanted them to leave, but part of me tried to tell me that I only felt that way out of routine. I wanted them to stay away from me because they reminded me of Bella. My human Bella that I loved so much I would rather suffer eternity alone than make her suffer one minute of the pain of death. But she was a vampire now.
"I don't know," I said sadly. "You can stay for now," I said as I turned. "I promise I will be back. Hopefully with her. If I find her, I am going to talk to her." I knew Alice could see that, but I wanted the rest of them to hear it from me.
I left and I followed her scent. I took a moment to let myself really smell her again and appreciate the sweet scent without the burn of thirst. What I wouldn't give to put my nose against her throat now and smell her. I tracked her to the edge of a small river not too far from the little house and her scent ended. I assumed she crossed the river, so I jumped over and smiled when I found her scent again. I continued to follow her, listening for any sign of her.
I heard breathing about ten yards ahead of me. I focused my eyes and I could see her tucked into a little cave of sorts fashioned out of the branches of the trees and bushes surrounding her. Her breathing hitched and I furrowed my brow. Was she crying? I walked to her, hoping that she would not run from me. I certainly deserved it, but I didn't want it.
"Bella?" I said softly.
I heard her gasp and knew she must have been concentrating on something very intensely to avoid hearing my approach. She looked up at me through the branches and my heart broke at the sight of her face. She was crying. Had she had any tears to shed, they would have been streaked down her cheeks. I crouched down and moved to sit beside her inside the little cave. I didn't know what to say to her as I sat there. I tried once more to hear her thoughts, focusing intently. I looked into her eyes, hoping that would make it easier. I furrowed my brow again and tried once more, giving up when she looked away from me. I was just as unable to read her thoughts as ever. I sighed in exasperation. She looked at me again and that same look of hurt I saw in the meadow was on her face. I reached out my hand to her, but she moved away from it. I furrowed my brow again as I dropped my hand to my side.
"Will you tell me why you're here?" I asked, wanting to hear her side of the story.
The look on her face seemed to become even more dejected as she gazed into my eyes for a moment before looking down.
"I'm sorry, Edward." She said quietly. "I'm so sorry."
I shook my head. "I don't understand, Bella." I said, reaching out to her once more. She took my hand in hers and held it tightly. I was amazed. I should have known she would feel like a vampire, but I was still shocked at the lack of human heat and at her strength. I gripped her hand back, reminding myself that I would not break any of her bones if I held her a little tighter. So I did. I felt her tug on her hand, but I wasn't ready to give it back yet.
"Edward." She said sadly, tugging her hand again. I looked into her eyes and let go of her hand.
"Why are you sorry, Bella?" I asked.
She looked at me for a moment before her breathing hitched again. I wanted to pull her into my arms.
"I'm so sorry that I… That we…" Her voice was unsteady as she spoke and I could not stop myself from reaching out to her. I carefully put my arm around her shoulder and tried to pull her into me. She gave in, resting her head on my shoulder. She stopped talking and just lay there, as if she refused to let one moment of our time together be tainted by speech. I felt the same to an extent, but I wanted to know what was going on her head.
"Please tell me." I whispered.
I tried to look down at her, but she buried her face in my neck and inhaled. She repeated the action a few times and I could feel her breath coming out in quiet gasps. I almost laughed, but I wanted to the same thing to her. I felt her close her eyes tightly before speaking again.
"You wanted to be left alone." She whispered. She wrapped her arms around my chest and squeezed me tightly. "I didn't want to believe that you didn't want me anymore, so I didn't give up. I'm so sorry." She said, her voice slightly muffled by my shirt.
But I heard and understood every word. Hurt. Rejected. Unwanted.
"You thought that I didn't want you anymore?" I asked incredulously. I couldn't even imagine a world in which I didn't want Bella Swan. I leaned back so I could look her in the eyes. She looked up at me and nodded hesitantly.
"You don't. I saw it in your face. You're upset with me." She said sadly.
"I am not upset with you, Bella." I said seriously, hugging her to me a little tighter. "I promise. And I have never not wanted you. I am, however, quite surprised at how different you are…" I said, dying to know what happened.
She shrugged against me and I knew if her heart still beat, she would be blushing. "I wanted to be with you, Edward. I want to be with you."
I nodded and leaned into her, sniffing her hair. I closed my eyes tightly against the wave of emotion that came over me. "When?" I asked.
"Right after I graduated," she answered. "I told Renee and Charlie that I was going to an overseas college in Italy, the family came with me and I was changed."
"Did they influence you at all?" I asked. Their fates were hanging on whatever she was about to say.
"No," she shook her head. "I got the idea from a dream. They didn't try to stop me, although Carlisle said I had to wait until I graduated."
I nodded my head.
"Jasper told me about how you didn't want me changed. I understand why, after he explained it. I'm sorry," she said, looking up at me.
I sighed and squeezed her shoulders tighter to me. "Isn't it kind of a moot point now?" I asked jokingly. I smiled at her, hoping she would understand that I wasn't upset at her. As long as she wasn't pressured into it. It was pretty much my fault, anyway.
She smiled back at me and I leaned in to kiss her forehead. A part of me was still not so sure I wasn't dreaming. Although if I were lost in my own mind, I'd be able to read hers. I drew back from her and tried one last time, meeting nothing but silence at every probe.
"What's wrong?" she asked, furrowing her brow.
"I still can't read your mind," I answered.
"Oh." She laid her head on my shoulder.
We sat in silence for a few moments, just enjoying being in each other's arms. I thought back over the last three years and how my family had tried to tell me what was going on. Every time, I ran. I felt guilty, hoping my resistance didn't cause Bella's insecure feelings about my need for her. Then something occurred to me.
"Bella?" I asked. She raised her head and looked at me with a hum.
"Last February… In Chile…?" I asked.
She smiled sadly. "That was me. I was so sure that I had you then," she said quietly.
"I'm so sorry, Bella," I whispered.
"I know why you did, Edward. I've forgiven you already," she said as she sat up just a little and nestled herself closer to me.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because I love you," she said simply.
We were silent for a moment as her words sunk in.
"I love you too," I said.
"So you do want me?" She asked with guarded hope.
I smiled at her. "Bella, I have never, ever, not wanted you. I have never wanted anything more than I want you. You are the only thing that has mattered to me for a long time; since you first walked into that Biology class my life has revolved around nothing but you." I said, trying to convince her that she had absolutely nothing to be worried about.
"Really?" She breathed. She looked hopeful this time. Really hopeful and almost happy as her eyes danced with the possibility that I might be telling the truth.
"Really." I said with a quick nod.
I could feel her smile against my shoulder and I turned my head to kiss the top of hers.
She raised her head and looked at me. I stared into her eyes for a moment, marveling at how she seemed to improve on the color gold. I'd never thought anything about the color of our eyes, but the amber shade of hers was dazzling against her pale skin and dark brown hair. Her lips had retained some of their pink hue.
Without thinking, I leaned in and connected our lips. I heard her sharp intake of breath and tried to pull away, but she wouldn't let me. One of her hands came to the back of my head to keep me in place as she pressed her lips to mine.
I kissed her back, realizing how much I had missed her kisses. She pulled away and looked at me again, moving her hand from the back of my head to touch my face just below my right eye.
"How long has it been since you last hunted?" she asked.
I didn't really want to answer her. "A while," I said, looking down.
"Could we hunt together?" she asked.
Forgiveness again. "Yes, but first I think we should go see Carlisle and the others. They're waiting for a status report," I said.
She nodded and we crawled out of the trees, heading back toward my house.
Thoughts? Any theories about what might happen next? I'd love to hear from you!
