I ran the field house, climbed up into the loft, and sat against the wall hugging my knees.

I looked up to see one pair of green and five pairs of little blue eyes watching me from out of an old crate.

It was our barncat, Cookie, and her kittens. One kitten, a little black-and-white named Tux, tumbled out of the crate and came to paw at my ankle. I picked him up, crossing my legs, and cuddled him for a moment before I was pounced upon by his siblings.

After a while, I heard the field house door open.

"Uh, Suzann?"

It was Bobby. I didn't say anything.

His head and shoulders appeared at the top of the ladder to the loft. The kittens all turned to stare at him from my lap before running back to their mother in the crate.

I turned away from him. "Go away."

"Suzann." I could hear the scowl in his voice. Just like Daddy.

"I don't have anything to say to you."

"Su –"

I turned to glare at him. "I don't want to talk to right now! If you've got issues work 'em out with Dad."

He shrank away from me. "Shit, you look like Mom."

I jumped to my feet screaming, "No I don't!" I grabbed roll of twine off the shelf behind me and chucked it at him. "I don't look like her!" I threw something else at him and he started to scramble down the ladder. "I look like my daddy!"

He ran out of the house, calling over his shoulder, "You're crazy!"

By the time I slunk back into the house, it was completely dark out. I came in the front door. Bobby and my Daddy were downstairs in the kitchen, talking.

"Now, Bobby, I understand that you're upset –"

"Fuck right I am."

"– and certainly got the right to, but I'm upset too."

"And why the hell are you upset?"

"Okay, by next week, I promise you, you'll of stoped saying that. But I'm upset because, one, my firstborn son died today, two, he's being a jerk, three, my daughter seems that hate her brother, and he hasn't exactly given her much reason not to, four, my husband so upset won't talk at all to anyone, and five, you don't seem to give a fuck and you won't listen to anything I say! I'm trying to make things easier for everybody and it did help a lot if you stop fuming, hush, and hear me out."

I pressed my back against the wall next to the door between the kitchen and the living room so I could see both of them in the black glass of the television.

They were facing each other across the table, both leaned forward, hands on the wood, holding themselves up. Bobby hung his head for a moment. "All right, what've you got to say."

"First of all, you gotta know you're killin' me. You got kids?"

" Two boys."

"They ever fight?"

"Yeah."

"How'd it make you feel?"

"Drove me nuts, maybe feel like crap too."

"Uhhuh. And if one of 'em got hurt?"

"Worried, kinda sick."

"And if one of 'em had died?"

Bobby just shook his head.

"Exactly. Now imagine doing both of those at once."

Bobby looked away.

"And, then how you're reacting to Ennis, well, I mean I sure didn't expect you to love him – shit, boy he's your stepfather, that's not exactly a word that makes people happy. But even so…. You can't possibly think that choosing between him and your mother was easy for me."

"You left Mama for a man."

"It's more complicated than that." Bobby crossed his arms and Daddy ran a hand through his hair. "Actually I met him first, then we went to our own ways. Each of us got married and had kids but when we met back up, we still, we still loved each other." Bobby snorted. "Now I really did love your mother, I still do." There was a long pause where Bobby just stared none-too-warmly at Daddy. "Hey, you remember in high school there were those two girls you liked and you had to pick which one take that dance?"

Bobby seemed taken aback. "Well, yeah."

"I've been playing the same game, in all honesty, since before you were born, just with higher stakes."

"What kind of stakes?"

"Mine and Ennis's lives; and I lost that bet."

I saw something change about Bobby, suddenly, he didn't look so much older than me. "What do you mean lost that bet?"

My daddy look at the ground and swallowed. "I bet my life, and I lost, I got killed."

"No, no, Mama said you had an accident. Changing a tire…."

"Yeah I know, she told everyone that, even convinced herself, but it's not true. She knew it wasn't, I know she knew, just didn't want to believe."

"I'm sure." Bobby had stepped back in disbelief so many times he'd backed up against the counter. "Bet you wish you'd lived different, might still be alive then." The venom was back.

"No, son, I don't," Daddy snapped at him. "I sure wish things had turned out different, but I can't wish I'd lived different. I can't regret meeting Ennis, can't imagine havin' not known him. At the same time, I can't regret leavin' him 'cause then I wouldn't a met your mama. Can't regret marrying her, can't regret havin' you. Love you both. But I can't regret that I kept seein' Ennis. Can't regret getting back together with your mama here, can't regret getting back with Ennis, either, though. Only things I regret is all the lying I did to cover for my sorry self, not being there for you as long as I should a been, and, well..."

I knew, and I murmered the word to myself: "Mexico."

I saw them both look up in the TV glass. My smiled slightly. "How long you been there, Suzann?"

I stepped into the doorway. "A while. But you regret Mexico, don't you? All the foollin' around."

He nodded. "Honestly wish you didn't about that."

I shrugged. "I ent never been under the delusion that you're perfect, Daddy."

He rolled his eyes.

Bobby, looking horribly confused again, started to say something.

"I'll tell you later, maybe. I don't think Daddy wants to."

They both nodded, one in confirmation, the other in acknowledgment.

I walked over and hugged my daddy, burying my face in his shoulder before turning to Bobby. "Starting to get it yet?"

"I think so."

Daddy sighed, running a hand through his hair again. "Good, well, I'm goin' to bed b'fore I pass out. Suzann?"

"Of course I'll show him where he cant stay, Daddy, go on to bed, you been up since four and it's been a rough day, I'm sure."

"Thank you."

I waited 'til he'd gone up the stairs and I'd heard the bedroom door open then close, then I darted around the table, took hold of Bobby by the front of his shirt, and started tuggin' him to the living room. "C'mere, you."

"What?"

"Hush." I pushed him down onto the couch and pulled a Crystyl VidCard out from under the lamp in the corner. "I'ma make dang sure you get it, and this is an awful lot easier than tryin' to explain."

Two and a half hours later, give or take, around one in the morning, I was sitting on the couch next to Bobby, swaying back and forth gently, humming along with the ending credits of the only movie all three of my parents had ever forbidden me from watching. I'd circumvented that ban a couple years ago, and then it was lifted.

"Well, shit." Bobby shook his head, as if trying to clear it.

"Get it?"

He nodded.

"Cool with it?"

"No."

"Eh, you got time."

A/N: Man, I feel like I haven't posted in forever. I just got vox-recog software though, so hopefully

I'll be posting more often, fingers crossed!

This was actually part of the previous chapter but felt like that was getting too long, so I broke it apart, I hope that worked smoothly.

I just started writing a sister-story to this that's more or less from Jack's point of view and it ought to be up soon, so keep an eye out for that if you're interested.

EDIT: oh gawd the original post of this was a mess, but I fixed. Voice recognition software is far from perfect...