A Time for Us
Chapter Twelve… A Mixed Up, Madcap, Muddled Blur of Events

A time for us at last to see a life worthwhile for you and me
And with our love through tears and thorns
We will endure as we pass surely through every storm


Previously…
Sirius:

My heart starts beating wildly, and I can't help but catch one of her tears with the pad of my thumb. I don't want to see her cry over a guy.

I brush the hair of her flushed cheeks, noticing for the first time just how many freckles she really has.

"Sirius- I can't- please, don't-" she whispers, as I lean down closer…

...Now…

Sirius:
A series of explosions goes off in the pit of my stomach… some bad… but mostly good. I know I shouldn't be kissing her- she's off-limits to me… but… I think that the thing a person wants the most is what he can't have… and that's too true.

Wait… did I really just kiss my best mates girl? Uhh… I mean, am I really kissing my best mates girl?

I put one hand on Lily's neck, pulling her closer. She hesitates, then pulls slowly away…

I open my eyes, looking into her fearful ones. Tell me I'm dreaming…

It's not that I didn't like the kiss- I don't think I've ever- ahh- she's crying… again.

"Lily? I'm sorry- I didn't mean to-" I shake my head. Yeah, she still wants James. I can see that much in her eyes. I can see the betrayal and confusion… and fear. Well, it looks like fear. Surely she's not scared of me, is she?

It seems I can do no right lately.

"I- I should… g-go." she says jadedly, taking a quick step away from me.

I let my hand fall limply to my side, eyes closed. I turn slowly to face the wall, resting my head on the cool stone…

There is no way James will ever forgive me if he finds out… No. I've already messed up, I can't keep this from him- he's like my brother.

My only family.

And I've betrayed him in the worst possible way… I know he loves her…

My eyes flash open, and I glare ruthlessly at the wall, before bringing back my fist, and punching it as hard as I can.


Lily:

This. Is. Not. My. Week.

Obviously.

I honestly thought it couldn't get any worse.

At least I didn't have to see Severus Snape in those nasty greying underpants of his. I still have nightmares about that day in 5th year. The day I told James I'd rather date the giant squid… Did I really mean that?
I don't even know, anymore. It's all so confusing. One minute, I'm so mad at James I could choke him… And the next, I want to run into his arms. I always feel safe in James's arms.

Wonder how many other girls are thinking that right now.

Anyway- I used to feel safe in James's arms. That fits better.

Being in his arms isn't a possibility now. He has Vara after him.
And I have Sirius after me. I still can't believe he kissed me… Its horrible to know that my boyfriend has a thing for my best friend, while his best friend has a thing for me… and I'm just stuck in the middle. I really need to pay more attention to people- be more observant. Surely, somewhere there was some kind of clue that I missed.

At least I'm not crying anymore. When Sirius first kissed me, I was a bit too shocked to respond- by pulling away, like I should have… So I stood there. Then, I- oh, I don't want to think about it. I'm a horrible, horrible, horrible little wretch… I'm going to die a most painful death for this, I swear… Because I kissed him back.

And I should be hit with a lightning bolt on the spot. Right now.

At least it was only for a second, I realized what I was doing, then I pulled away as fast as I could, really! Its not like I was in for a full out snog session.

And James wasn't there, or anything.

Merlin- even if he was, it doesn't matter. I'm not 'his' anymore. He's got Vara to… fawn over him now.

'But you still like him… and he heard you say so, remember?' says a nasty voice in my head. 'That's why you ran off and hid for six hours, skiving off lessons and missing a rather marvellous dinner in the process.'

I shake my head roughly, a fruitless attempt to rid myself of the evil little voices.

"Lily! There you are!" says a relieved voice.

I look wearily over at Remus, who is walking towards me, his face anxious and concerned. "Yeah, I fell asleep in the Prefects Lounge…" I admit, trying to smile.

"You hungry? We could walk down to the kitchens," he says, checking his watch. "Still half an hour 'til curfew."

I sigh. "Sorry, but I'm really-" I stop as the portrait swings open, and a very annoyed James Potter stumbles through. He glances doubtfully around the room, but his eyes fall on me. I bite my lip and stare guiltily at the tapestry on the floor before me. He looks extremely worried, and I can't help but notice how pale he is.

I finally look up once I realize he hasn't walked over to us, like I expected him to. He hasn't moved at all- except maybe his face. Now I can see a mixture of concern, exhaustion, sadness, and… is that disappointment?

I swallow the lump in my throat and turn to Remus. "The kitchens sound very good right about now."

"Oh… are you sure? It's the perfect time to talk to him…" he says softly, smiling encouragingly at me.

"I can't." I say firmly, my eyes clamped shut.

"I can drag you over," he offers. I snap my eyes open.

"You wouldn't!" I cry, taking a step back.

He smiles, and I can see his eyes sparkle.

"No, your right… I wouldn't want to risk your anger." he chuckles.

I glare at him. James has always said that to me. Remus looks puzzled for a moment, then a look of comprehension comes over his face. "Sorry," he mutters. I think we both learned how touchy I can be on the subject of James, today in the Arithmancy corridor.

"Right, well… I think I'll be off to the kitchens before bed…" I say quickly, stepping around Remus, ignoring James's deep sigh as I hurry past him.

"Lily!" Remus calls, but I don't stop. "Will you wait for me? I'll be out in a second,"

Once outside the Tower, I back into a wall, half hidden in shadow, sliding down to the floor (told you I do that a lot!) to wait for Remus.
Not even two minutes later, I can hear uneven steps coming towards me.

I back into the corner; it can be a bit creepy, even up here in the normal part of the castle.

I hold my breath as Sirius comes into view, staring carefully at his hand, which is balled into a fist. His jaw is clenched tight, and his eyes are screwed up in pain. Before today, I would have run up to him to see what was wrong… but after all that happened today, I don't think I'm so keen on the idea. He probably doesn't know I'm here, anyway.

I jump as the portrait hole opens, and Remus climbs out. Sirius looks up at him, and drops his fist to his side, his face blank. "Oh, hey, Moony." he says calmly.

Remus looks up curiously. "Where have you been, Padfoot?"

"Oh, you know... around."

"What did you do?" he says suddenly, staring at Sirius's hand.

"Oh… I… was-uh- playing Quidditch."

"You're a horrible liar. You and James both."

"What do you mean?" Sirius says quickly.

"Well, I followed him up to the dorm, and he would hardly say a word to me... but how did you play Quidditch alone, without your broom? It's in the dorm. I saw it when I went up." Remus says thoughtfully.

Sirius shakes his head. "You're too smart for your own good, Moony."

"Yeah, well… we can't all be the handsome, popular Quidditch stars." Remus says with a cheeky grin. "Much fun as this is, I gotta go- it looks like Lily left me…"

"I didn't see her going down the corridor," Sirius says.

Gee, thanks, you prat.

"I'm over here," I say quietly after a pause.

"Oh…"

"Right, well, I think I'll-just… er- go… find James…." Sirius says quickly, looking up at the Fat Lady to give her the password.

"You can go with us to the kitchens," Remus says.

I tense. He can't go. He knows better than that… He won't go…
"Oh-um- thanks, but I don't think I should." he says evenly, staring right at me. I shudder, and draw my eyes to a spot on the wall behind him.

"Seems like James has something on his mind… I should go talk to him… or something…" he says quietly, as the portrait swings open.

Remus yawns. "I know something is up with all three of you- is it the same thing?"

"No- who says anything is wrong with me?" I say sceptically.

Remus raises his eyebrows and smirks at me.

Bloody know-it-all.


Remus:

Okay, first of all, Lily, you just gave yourself away when you said that.

"Well, come on, lets go to the kitchens…" she says quickly. Well, I'm sure I'll get it out of her eventually.


"Oh, come on, tell me what's wrong," I urge. She looks at me over the top of her goblet, then sets it down and chews thoughtfully on her lip.
"I can't."

"Why?" I ask incredulously. We've never really had a problem being open with one another before.

"Just… because."

"Does it have to do with Sirius?" I ask meekly.

"No…" she says gradually. Liar.

"It doesn't?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Positive?"

"Positive."

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am."

"Why can't you just tell me?" I pout. "Please?"

"Its not fair to beg."

"Sure it is… please, please, please?" I drop to my knees, hands clutching her robes.

She laughs, and tries to pull me to my feet. "Get up, Remus! We won't make it back to the Tower on time if we don't go now!"

"I'm not moving until you tell me." I say, staring at her determinedly.

"I… don't… I-can't…" she whispers, hanging her head.

I get to my feet, and pull her into a hug. "It did have to do with Sirius, didn't it?" I ask slowly. I feel her tense, then relax.

"Yes…" she whispers so quietly I can barely hear her.

For some reason, I feel anger coursing through my entire body, and I want nothing more than to hit Sirius- I must be at a breaking point... but I just can't stand to see her look so sad anymore.

"What'd he do?" I ask calmly, carefully pulling back so that I can see into her eyes.

"H-he… found me after McKenzie woke me up… I was walking back up to the Tower, and he- he found me… I asked him if he wanted to go up to the tower with me… and he got me started off on James again, and Vara- and… well, I sort of got mad and yelled at him… but… then… he- he k-kissed me…" she stutters.
I take a deep breath, and try to stay calm, for Lily's sake… but it doesn't work too well… my jaw clenches, and my hands tighten into fists.

We stand in silence, each with our own thoughts, while the house-elves scurry around us, putting dishes away.

"Lily- its almost curfew, we should go up." I say in the calmest voice I can manage right now. I know Lily doesn't want me to say anything to Sirius, but right now, its all I can do not to run up to that tower in a blazing temper, and curse him to bits. If Lily wasn't with me, I would.
She nods, and pushes her goblet and plate within reach of the nearest house-elf, smiling sadly at him.


I watch her go up the first couple steps of the girls' stairs before she turns slowly to face me. "Night Remus… and thank you."

Her eyes are so sad… and even as I watch, she casts a quick glance over at the fireplace, where Sirius is slumped in an armchair.

"It was nothing… I'd do it anytime… good night, Lily." I answer.
She smiles weakly, then makes her way slowly up the winding stairs to her room. I know she won't sleep there, though… and I have to say, I don't blame her. She only found Vara and James there last night, after all. I wouldn't sleep there, either. She'll probably get fresh clothes on, then come back down to the Common Room to sleep on a couch.
Looks like I'll have to drag Sirius up to the dorm so I can yell at him there.

Even as I turn, Sirius looks up uneasily, like he knows full well what I'm about to do.

I walk over to him, drawing myself up to my full height. "What were you thinking?" I whisper angrily.

He stares guiltily at me, with a look that reminds me of a puppy who just made a big mess, and knows he's about to be in for it. Big.

"Dormitory- right now." I hiss.

"You'd better hope to hell James hurts you- because if he doesn't, I will!" I growl, and push him though the dormitory door after shoving him all the way up the stairs.

He sinks down onto his four-poster, staring fixedly at the floor.

"Moony?"

I start, then spin around to see James's face leaning out between the drapes around his four-poster. I didn't even know he was in here… "Oh-er- hi, Prongs…"

James pushes his legs over the side of his mattress, staring at us doubtfully. We wait in awkward silence, each waiting for the other to say something first.

I glare at Sirius, silently demanding that he tell James something- anything. Apparently, he gets the message, because he glances nervously at me before opening and closing his mouth several times.

"Erm… James? I guess… well, I… and then it… and, well-um- yeah."

"Damn it, Padfoot!" I burst out impatiently. It isn't fair to not tell James.

Maybe he doesn't want know, but I still feel Sirius should be honest. Especially since it's Lily.

"I don't want to hear anything, Moony," James says evenly, getting to his feet, and pulling his invisibility cloak from his trunk without looking at either of us. "It's alright. I saw enough earlier." he finishes quietly.

"No- James-" Sirius starts.

But James ignores him, opens the door, and with a swish of his cloak, he's gone.

I turn to stare at Sirius again. "You-"

"I know, all right, it was wrong! I've got it!" he cries, throwing himself back onto his bed again.

"Okay, good. Maybe someday you'll get to the point where you won't make any dumb… mistakes, that betray others' trust, eh?" I say.

He pales, and looks at me for the first time since we've come up here. He blinks a few times, still staring at me like it's the first time he's ever seen me.

"Ahh… Padfoot, I'm sorry…" I say. I didn't really mean to make him feel bad… And I certainly didn't mean to bring it up. In 5th year, Sirius decided to pull a prank on Snape, and told him to press the knot at the base of the Whomping Willow and follow the passage… being the great dolt he is, he did. I was in the shack- in my monster form. I could've… done just about anything to him, it would have been horrible. I felt so betrayed that Sirius would do that to me… when I trusted him with my secret. I couldn't talk to Sirius for weeks after it happened- I kept away from him, and all Slytherins- basically everyone. It looked like the Marauders where never going to be 'the Marauders' again. We all thought it couldn't be fixed. But then, one day, after a long talk with Lily- I couldn't tell her why we were fighting, as she doesn't know I'm a werewolf- and she made me realize that we only have certain people in our lives for a limited amount of time… we don't have forever. I immediately went to Sirius- and that night, we were the Marauders again. Ever since, we've only gotten closer, and we agreed to never bring it up again. And we haven't… except for my stupid mistake just now. I'm usually a pretty patient guy, I never really get angry, or upset… definitely not to the point where I resort to violence. But it's close to full moon, so maybe that's why I got so angry.

He shakes his head sadly. "No… You're right, Moony…" he whispers.


Lily:

I woke up around noon today, and was very relieved once I realized I was the only one in my dormitory. Then I remembered its Wednesday. I'm supposed to be in class; which means I'm skiving off lessons again.
For some reason, I have a feeling James didn't go to class, either. I didn't go down to lunch earlier, just in case… Even though I can feel my stomach growling.

I'm lying in the floor, next to my four poster right now, curled up with my favorite book of Shakespeare plays. I love Shakespeare. Something about the way he writes-

I jump as my door flies open in a shower of red and gold sparks. I flinch as it hits the wall behind it, then groan inwardly as James Potter walks into the room, his wand held out.

"Uh... James… what are you doing in here?" I ask quietly, and get weakly to my feet.

"Tina said you've been in your four poster since Wednesday…" Have I really been here this long? That's almost two days! I originally planned to sleep either in the common room, or the floor next to my bed, because there was no way I was going to ever be in that one again… but I ended up needing somewhere to hide. I guess I could try to conjure up a new one. "…and we were all getting a little worried about you in here since we haven't seen you at meals, either… Sirius offered to come up and check on you, but I came instead… we need to talk, Lily."

I shake my head slowly. "I can't- will you leave, please?" I just can't do this right now… I'm not ready to talk to him- especially not after the other night.

"You've been avoiding me. We're going to talk and we're going to talk now, all right?"

"No. I've been avoiding you for a reason, James."

"Lily, you don't think that I would really… Just stop being so thick!"

James cries impatiently, his chest heaving with emotion.

"Oh, I'm being thick, am I? James- you're the one who comes running up here to check on me, then starts yelling at me! I've been in here a whole day, oh no!" Plus a few hours… I add mentally. "And how do you know I haven't been down to eat? I might have, and you wouldn't know the difference… anyway, I hardly think I'm the thick one!" I yell back. Even though we both know full well that I haven't eaten.

James shakes his head. "Lily, I'm not leaving you until you hear what I have to tell you. You've got to listen, or I won't leave." He says firmly. I sigh in frustration, my eyes flashing.

"Bloody hell, James! Don't you understand? I do not want to talk to you!" I say angrily. "Just… just go, please?" I say wearily, my voice trailing off. I feel weak all of a sudden… James's eyes grow wide and he takes a step forward to put his arms around my waist, resting his forehead against mine.

I don't even try to pull away. I can't…

"Lily… I love you."

"Y... you… what?" I ask distractedly, and snap my head up.

"I love you- I've never felt like this about anyone… I can't tell you how much I love you, Lil."

"Then why are we yelling at each other?" I say quietly, trying desperately to pull myself from his grasp. He can't do this now, or I'll do something I'll regret. "I'll tell you why: I can't ever love you, James. I don't think you even know how strong that word is. So please… if you mean even half of what you said, then let me go- just leave… I can't love you." I repeat, thinking I just made the worst decision of my life.

"Lily, didn't you hear me? I love you and I mean it." he says softly, eyes pleading, tracing my jaw with his thumb gently. "You have to believe me. I need to explain, it wasn't-"

"I can't James! Now let me go!" I say. I can feel my throat clenching, and a prickling in the corners of my eyes- I'm going to cry if he doesn't leave soon. If I cry, then he'll have to comfort me… and hold me in his arms, let me cry… oh, how I miss his arms…

But I haven't been avoiding him like the plague for the fun of it… I can't listen… I have got to be strong- for me.

"Lily, please?" he says, and before I can stop him, he leans down to kiss me… Oh, I miss his kiss, too… "Remember that dream? We're meant for each other- I love you!" he says, once I finally get the nerve to pull away… maybe that was the worst decision of my life. "You can't tell me you don't feel the same way- right now- you kissed me back- and your eyes… you may be able to look brave and calm all the time Lils, but your eyes will always give you away." I swallow hard, and look slowly into his hazel eyes. The usual twinkling, dancing brightness is gone- to be replaced with a sad, pleading look.

"No, James." Oh, why can't I just give in? I want him so badly… True, I've said no to him plenty of times before- namely all those times when he was asking me to go out on a date- but it never hurt me like it just did… I feel as if I've just ripped my heart in two pieces- like those two awful words have condemned us both to death. Yes, I do feel the same way… and I guess I did kiss back, and I do believe the dream… but that doesn't change the fact that he kissed Vara.

Okay, I'm going to be strong… I'll say no… but he just said he loves me! I can't refuse him now, can I? I know we're meant to be together!

'He snogged Vara, don't you remember?' says a voice in the back of my mind.

'He loves me!'

'Vara.'

'Love!'

'VARA!'

'Oh, fine…'

"You're talking to yourself… in your head." I say to myself, dimly thinking how absurd this sounds.

James finally releases me, and drops his hands to his sides in a defeated way. I shake my head slightly, then turn to hide in my four poster.

"Lily-"

"Oh, by the way, I did your homework for you the other night!" I say acidly, taking a stack of parchment off my table, shoving them into his hands.

He looks between the parchment in his arms to me, "Lily-"

"Go!" I cry wildly, willing these pesky tears to stop.

"Fine! Just stay here by yourself and cry, Lily! I tried to talk to you, but don't count on it again… I'll see you around, then, Lily-Cat."

"You don't have to blame all of this on me, you know!" I sob.

James pauses, staring at me over his shoulder, one hand on the dormitory door, then says, "No, I don't. You put it upon yourself."

"Yeah? Well… at least I didn't snog my best friend!" I say a bit louder than I intend to.

James gives a shaky laugh, and looks at me sadly. "You did."
I blink furiously and watch as he quietly closes the door. She that's what's been bothering him the last couple of days… he saw Sirius kiss me. But- I don't even like Sirius- he cornered me. I think of him as my boyfriends best friend. My ex-boyfriends best friend, now. But he can't honestly think that I would snog him? He cornered me!

I sink pathetically back into my pillows. "You did too, James… but I still love you." I whisper, touching my lips softly with my fingertips… the only remains of my last kiss with James.