(I own nothing!)
How did any man have the right to look like that? Jet black hair, soft white skin, red lips and the brightest blue eyes I've ever seen. I sat there blatantly staring at the boy, no man, sitting only a few feet from me. He is engrossed in a conversation with Wash about something most likely to do with dinosaurs. His face lights up but it's shadowed, the happiness never really outweighs the pain.
He is the only thing I've been thinking about lately. His rare laugh, smile, and the rarest of all are the moments when he forgets and lets down the shields behind his eyes. I notice that the top of his shirt is unbuttoned at the neck, a creamy expanse of skin showing.
"Sir, you're drooling." I glare at Zoe as she gives me a knowing smile. Oh, she knows about the small problem I have with the Doc, she also knows it has nothing to do with me not liking him.
"Well, that's because the food is so good tonight." I say trying to sound calm under the stare of my crew.
"Well I'm glad that you like 'protein' so much, Captain," Zoe said, her eyes making it very clear that she wasn't talking about the protein we were eating for the sixth night in a row "since there are so few things in life that you do like."
"There are plenty of things I like. I like when a job goes well."
"And Kaylee?" Zoe asks.
"And Kaylee."
"And the Doc." Zoe whispers so only I can hear.
"Yes and the-" I glare at her. "Nice try."
"I thought so. Captain, if you like 'protein' so much, you should say it out loud, to its face. Who knows? Maybe 'protein' will like you back." She stands and leaves the dining room. Standing up, I follow her.
In the silence of the dining room Jayne pipes up.
"Mal likes protein?"
I stomp into the cockpit after Zoe.
"What was that?" I snarl, my eyes blazing with anger. Zoe is the only person who wouldn't cower under my wrath. She stands there calmly.
"Sir, I'm going to say this bluntly, you're being stupid." I continue to glare.
"You really don't see the problem do you? What if it ends badly? This crew needs a doctor."
"It also needs a Captain who's not heartbroken."
"Don't you see that I can't take this risk?"
"You take bigger risks every day! Sir, you will walk head on into a trap knowing full well that you might die, but the second a matter of the heart comes up, you run as fast as you can in the opposite direction!"
"This conversation is over, Zoe."
"I took the risk and look at me now. I'm happily married with a wonderful husband."
"I'm not you, and life seems to think playing cruel jokes on me is funny."
"But sir-"
"No, Zoe." She sighs and walks toward the door, but she stops and looks at me.
"I just want you to be happy, Sir."
"I am happy." I pretend that she can't see through the lie and smile plastered on my face. She leaves and I sag against the console as the image of a blue-eyed doctor waft across my mind.
Zoe sighs as she makes her way to the engine room. She could be wrapped in her husband's arms at the moment, but no, she has to do everything for the Captain. Just like in the war when she had to get him medical attention, only now she has to get the whole medic. She sighs again as she turns the last corner and enters the engine room.
"Kaylee? I need your help with something."
"Captain?" I groan into my mug of morning coffee because I know that voice. That is Kaylee's something's broken voice.
"Yes, Kaylee?" I ask, almost scared to know the answer.
"Well, one of the air coils snapped and flooded some of the rooms with gas."
"So?"
"So we can't use some of the rooms since they're flooded and so I've sealed them off. All of the passenger dorms and Zoe's room are sealed off. Zoe's assigning roommates as we speak." I groan. She wouldn't. But the look on her face as she walks into the room told me she had.
"Here's the list of your roommates for tonight. Book will be rooming with Jayne, River will be in Kaylee's bunk, Wash and I will sleep in the shuttle and Simon, you're rooming with the Captain." I was fuming.
"Come on, Honey, let's go make sure that the bed's big enough." Wash says pulling Zoe out of the room. I glare at the spot where she had been.
"Captain?" The voice strokes my ears softer than the finest silk.
"What, Doc?" It comes out sharper than I intend and the Doc flinches.
"If you don't want to room with me, I can switch with Book."
"No, if you room with Jayne, you'll be dead before midnight." I say not bothering to look at the Doc's face. I already know what look it is. One of pain and hurt.
I avoid everyone that day, and give Wash the day off; the ship is on auto pilot so while there isn't much to do, it is enough. I sit in the pilot's chair and stare out into the inky depths, I stay there till it is late, and most of the crew would be in bed. I drift through the halls and to my bunk, clanging open the door and dropping down. And proceed to reach for my gun and point it in the face of a very startled doctor. Why is he? Then I remembered that we would be sharing my bunk tonight.
"M-Mal?" He is a little shaken up, but he is pretty calm for someone with a gun pointed in his face. I return the gun to its holster, and go about my nightly routine.
"You didn't come to dinner."
"Yeah so?" I yank off my suspenders and strip down to my pants.
"I-I thought that you might get hungry." I look at the desk where he's motioning and sitting there on my desk is a plate with a napkin over it. "I don't know if it's still hot, but-" he trails off as I pick up the plate and sit on my bed to eat.
I watch as he brushes his teeth and pulls out a pair of sleep pants that must have come out of the wash. He began to strip off his shirt and is about to take off his pants, when he turns to look at me.
"Captain?"
"Yes?"
"Were you just going to sit there and let me take my clothes off?" he sounds slightly embarrassed.
"Well, I doubt you have anything I haven't seen before. Unless there's something you ain't told us. Though that would explain why you look like a-" Simon glares at me and walks behind the ladder to at least get the illusion of privacy. When he comes back out his face is somewhat less red than before. I stare at the expanse of skin and the grace that carries him over to the closet on the other end of my bunk as he-
"What in the name of all things good are you doing?" He looks up confused as he lays out a blanket and pillow on the floor.
"I'm making my bed."
"You honestly think that I'm going to make you sleep on the floor?" I raise my eyebrows at the look of bewilderment on the Doc's face.
"Where else would I sleep?"
"On the bed."
"Where would you sleep?"
"On the bed."
"Then where would I sleep?"
"You would sleep on the bed w-with me. Didn't we cover this already?"
"Captain, I can't do that."
"Why not? Didn't you have a roommate at that fancy medical academy you're so proud of going too?"
"Well, yes, but-"
"No buts. Now get in bed so we can get some beauty sleep."
"I can sleep on the couch out in the living room."
"Doc, now!" He slowly walks toward the bed like a man would walk toward the gallows.
"Come on, Doc, I won't bite. Much." He is just too much fun to tease. I set down my now empty plate and scoot over to make room for him. He slides in next to me and pulls the covers over his head. It's nice. The warmth that comes from his body is soothing and soon my eyes drift shut, his breathing a soft lullaby filling my bunk. It drives the silence out and is as calming as his voice.
I wake up at midnight as I do every night since Jubal's visit, but as I stand to go do a quick sweep of the ship, a hand grips my own as a sleepy voice becomes audible.
"Mal? What are you doing?" He rubs his eyes with the hand not attached to my arm. "It's midnight, Mal, where in the world are you going?" His eyes are on me now.
"Bathroom." Simon arched a disbelieving eyebrow.
"Really?"
"No." How the heck did he see through a perfectly good lie so easily? "I'm just going out to check the ship."
"Ah." That 'ah' bothers me. It is the 'ah' of someone who knows something the other person doesn't want them to know.
"Ah?"
"Well, it makes sense that you would check up on the crew."
"And why exactly does it make sense?" He gives me a small sad sleepy smile, pulling his knees up and resting his arms and chin on them.
"A person came in and broke into your castle." He's been spending too much time with River, he's beginning to talk like her.
"A man's home is his castle." I knew the saying.
"But it shouldn't have to be a fortress, Mal." His eyes are as sad as his smile now. He releases my arm and I exit the bunk to check the ship for any more psychopaths in red leather with hearing problems.
The check didn't take long. With a sigh of relief that there is no one on this ship that needs a trip out the air lock, I trudge back to my bunk.
"So, no space invader on board, Captain?" Once again I jump at the sound of the Doc's voice.
"Why are you still up?"
"Couldn't sleep."
"I can see that. I meant, why can't you sleep? My talk of psychos walking the ship give you nightmares?"
"No." His voice is weary and it isn't from lack of sleep.
"Doc, you ok?"
"I'm going to go sleep on the couch." He stands and begins to walk past me. I grab his arm.
"Simon, please. Just stay." He shakes my hand off and walks toward the ladder. I give out a sigh and climb into bed turning to face the wall. Then the bed shifts and I feel the Doc climb in. I smile.
When I wake up, he is gone, a warm empty space and a memory are the only markers that he had ever been there. Pulling myself out of bed, I feel all of my joints beg for me to crawl back in bed and sleep.
Breakfast is a quiet affair, well for me, the Doc and Zoe it is. The Doc is especially interested in his oatmeal this morning, Zoe is trying to see if anything happened last night and I'm too busy either staring at the Doc or glaring a my first mate to care to make civil conversation.
It is later when I'm looking for Simon's shopping list that Zoe and I finally have a conversation that has been coming for a long time. Simon has taken to writing out a list of everything we're out of so that there won't be any 'oops we forgot this or we forgot that' moments.
"Sir?" I jump. Damn how the heck does she do that?
"Yes, Zoe?"
"Sir, I gave you the best opportunity I could, but no, you just couldn't risk it!"
"It is not your place to interfere!"
Zoe sighs. "Sir, if you look me in the eye and tell me the truth whatever it may be, I promise that I will never interfere again."
I stare at her and sigh. "I don't love the Doc, I never really learned what love is but I need him like I need Serenity. I need him to keep me flying and if that's what love is, then yes, I love him. I just need him and I don't think Serenity would be enough to keep me flying if he left. Okay?"
"Yes, sir. I'll leave you alone."
"Thank you."
"After all you and the Doc probably want to talk alone." I whip around and there standing in the doorway, a stunned look on his face, is the good doctor. I am going to kill Zoe. But I don't have a chance because she's slipping out the door with a grin on her face, and I see her mouth 'don't screw this up.'
"Listen Doc-"
"Did you mean it?" His eyes are hard to read but he's scared… of me? Great I just scared off the doctor that my crew needs and all because I couldn't keep my mouth shut.
"Doc I-"
"Did you mean it? Yes or No?" He looks me in the eye, riveting me to the spot.
"Yeah, Doc, I meant it."
"I never thought that-"
"It's okay, Doc. Nobody wants a mean old Browncoat." I turn and begin to walk past him.
"I do."
"What?" He turns and walks toward me till we're a breath apart.
"I want a mean old Browncoat. The same mean old Browncoat that risked his life for me and my sister, that is willing to give anything and everything for his crew, and the man that needs me to keep him flying as much as I need him." He's so close now that his lips nearly brush mine as he talks.
"You sure you know what you're getting into here, Doc?"
"I do know, Mal, the question is, do you? Do you want to be with a young, lily-white, core- bred pansy doctor with a sister that can kill people with her brain?"
"Well, I've never really been one for the normal, easy, less life-threatening path anyway." He smacks me on the arm before his lips meet mine.
Down in her bunk Zoe smiles. Life is about to get a lot better. Sighing, she snuggles down in the cushion and falls asleep trying not to think about all the money she owes Kaylee for lying to the Captain.
