A/N: Oh how I love you guys. Thank you so much for saying such nice things about the story and my writing. I really feel insecure about it when I go back over some chapters because I barely think when I write. It's like something else (these crazy characters) possesses me and I have only so much control over it so you guys saying you like it makes this process a lot easier. Plus, this story has been pretty light and happy overall so far, so I am hoping none of you turn on me when it gets a little more… dramatic. You'll see why soon when some other characters come in to play, but no worries, this story will stay as teenage-lust-and-curiosity real as possible. Hehe.
I am almost done with the next chapter so I am thinking of putting it up the day after tomorrow just so everyone can have a day or two to read this one and not accidentally skip this one. Or maybe I'll put it up tomorrow just 'cause I can't wait for you all to read it. J Thanks lovelies!
Love!
Bella's POV
Why my body and heart and mind never seemed to be on the same plane, I don't know, and today was no exception. My heart was pulling me in one direction, telling me I should trust Jacob and just give in to his love, while my head was telling me I should wait a while before I got into a serious relationship. And then my body was telling me that none of that mattered and that all I needed was a damn good orgasm.
It was not going to be easy to make a decision here, so the only thing I could do was tell Jacob what I felt and hope he would be all right with it. I could tell by his demeanor this morning that he wasn't very happy with any of it. He wanted to tell everyone that he had me and that he had finally won my love. Sometimes I honestly felt like he just wanted to show me off as some sort of trophy but when I thought about that, I got that horrible guilty feeling since I knew that that was so far from the truth.
I must have been thinking too hard because my pancakes sitting in front of me didn't have a bite out of them when I came out of my daze.
"Boo?"
I looked up at Jake, wide-eyed. "Yeah?"
"You okay?"
"Uh… yeah, I'm fine. I was just," I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, "thinking."
"Thinking about what? You looked kind of upset or somethin'." Jake took the last bite of his stack of pancakes and gave me the cutest mouth-full-of-food-but-I'm-trying-to-look-concerned look ever. I smiled and finally took a bite of my own breakfast.
"Nah, I'm just trying to decide some stuff."
"Bella, what did we talk about?" He asked, getting up and putting his plate in the sink.
"I know, I know, I should tell you everything."
Jake sat back down in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest. "No, you should WANT to tell me everything. We've been doing so much better, being able to tell each other everything and… now things are complicated again."
"Well of course they are Jacob! We're trying out this romantic slash sexual relationship thing now, of COURSE things are gonna be more complicated!" My voice raised higher than I wanted it to, obviously freaking Jake out a little bit by the look on his face.
I sighed and looked back at my food.
"I'm sorry," I apologized.
"No… you're not. That's how you feel-"
"But I shouldn't have yelled at you."
"Boo, I want you to be real with me, if you feel like you have to yell, then yell. It's fine. At least I'm seeing genuine emotion out of you and not some covered up, fake… thing. You know?"
"Yeah… I guess. Look, Jakey, I … I want to be able to talk to you about this but I really just need to think about it on my own. I just need a little-"
"Time?" Jake sighed before he continued. "All I do is give you time, Bella. And because I love you I put up with it and wait. Because I love you I give you what you want and let you have all the time you want to think about it, but for fuck's sake, Bella, can you not live in the moment already and just love me?"
"I do love you."
"But anyone else that was completely in love would want to tell the world." We stared at each other for a moment as I ran this thought through my mind. He spoke first, again, though. "I do."
"Jake…"
"What? You don't really love me? You just want sex?"
"Jacob!"
"What?"
"I told you to never think of me as using you!"
"Then what, Bella? What's the reason you don't want to tell your dad? He likes me quite a bit. I think he'd be fine with us."
"DO YOU WANT THE FUCKING HONEST TRUTH? YOU WANT THE REAL ANSWER TO THAT, JACOB BLACK?"
I must have freaked him out a little with my yelling, but he came right back at me with the same tone of voice, "YES! JUST GIVE ME AN HONEST ANSWER FOR ONCE!"
"BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU! I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU HERE! I WANT TO BE IN MY BED WITH YOU AND GIVE MY VIRGINITY TO YOU IN THE SAME BED WE HAD OUR FIRST KISS, THE SAME BED YOU HOLD ME IN EVERY NIGHT! I WANNA BE WITH YOU IN THAT BED AND THAT WONT HAPPEN IF CHARLIE FINDS OUT WE'RE ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED!" I screamed this with my fingers clenched down on my fork and my other hand grasping the table.
Jacob stared at me for what seemed like an eternity.
I sat there waiting for him to speak but he never did. I couldn't stand the silence anymore so I broke it. "I know he won't ever leave us alone in this house if he sees us touching each other the way we do," my voice had lowered, but it was almost coming out like a hiss now. I was still fuming with anger and frustration. "He doesn't want me to get pregnant like my mom did. He likes you, yes, but I know he'll never-"
"So we're going to have sex before we tell Charlie about us." He interrupted me. "If that's the case then when do you think we'll do it a second time? Or a third? Are we only gonna fuck once and then never do it again since you seem to think Charlie will never let us have alone time together again?"
"Jake-"
"NO! Stop giving me excuses. I don't buy it. Something else is up, but fine. We'll do what you want. I guess I'll just go with the flow like usual and keep WAITING for you." Jacob sighed the most depressing sigh I'd ever heard and then lowered his head and his voice. "Seems like I'm always waiting for you."
I sniffled, but tried to hold in my sobs. It hardly worked.
"Oh, Boo, please don't cry."
"I shouldn't. You're the one that should be crying."
"I can handle it, okay? Just… don't make me wait too long all right?"
"Then don't make ME wait too long."
"Isabella, you can't blackmail me like that."
"I want you, Jake. It may only be 'cause I am extremely sexually frustrated but it also might be 'cause I feel like I want that connection with you so badly. It's the one thing that… that Edward and I didn't do together. And I want it to be with you-"
"So that you can forget about him?"
"NO! No… so that I can finally have something with you that's bigger than what I had with him."
"And our love isn't enough? It's not bigger?"
"I don't know. To be completely honest, Jake, since that's what I want to have with you, I really don't know. I love you so much. Please believe that. But I constantly think about how much I wanted Edward and now I wonder if that's just because I wanted that connection with him or if I really just wanted the physical pleasure."
"So you want to test your theory out on me? To see if we have a connection during sex? And if we don't does that mean you'll want to try it with Edward and if you feel a connection with him you'll want to go back to-"
"Who says I'll even get the chance to be with him? He's gone for-"
"THE CHANCE! Bella, do you REALLY want him still?"
"No, that's not what I meant. Ugh… I am so doing this wrong."
"Yeah, obviously you are, because all I'm getting out of this conversation is that you want to test out sex to see if there's a romantic attachment to it and if there's not one with me then you'll always be wondering what it could have been with Edward."
My heart was beating so fast I felt like I was going to pass out. So many emotions ran through my body at that moment. Anger, frustration, confusion, sadness, excitement, horniness. How could I make Jacob see exactly what I was feeling?
"Let me put it this way," I said, trying to calm both of us down a bit. I scooted my chair closer to Jake's and grabbed both of his hands in mine. I looked up into his eyes and made sure he looked deep into mine. "I want you. Yes, I want sex because just like any other girl, I really want to feel that pleasure, but I also want something else. Assurance. It might just be me, Jake, but the connection we have when we kiss… when we touch… makes me feel electricity throughout my whole body. The idea that that feeling could be multiplied by thousands during sex is one of the most fascinating things I can think of. I know that sounds like I'm just trying to get you in bed with me, but I honestly feel like I'll completely forget about Edward if we make love. It was the one big thing I wanted from him and I think the fact that we haven't done it is one of the biggest reasons I still think about him from time to time. I don't fantasize about him anymore, that faded a while ago, but I can't say I never think about what could have been. It's only been a day, Jacob, but I've known you, and loved you, long enough that I feel like we could do this soon. I feel like we could be intimate and I could finally give you my whole heart."
Jacob seemed to contemplate this for a while, but after a minute he just let go of my hands and got up, crossing the kitchen to go into the living room.
Fuck.
How do I always mess things up?
Because you're a sex-addicted whore. Ok conscience, shut the fuck up. I haven't had sex yet, how could I be addicted? You're addicted to the idea of 'making love'. It might not be very romantic. Yes, it will be. It will be with my Jake. If you really believed that then you wouldn't be having such a dilemma deciding on whether or not to 'give him your whole heart'.
I hate when my conscience is right.
After cleaning up from breakfast, I started going through the pantry, grabbing things I'd need to cook with. I didn't even hear him re-enter the kitchen.
"So sex is the condition?"
I turned around to see Jacob, his shirt and jeans back on, leaning against the wall.
"Well I… I didn't mean NOW," I said, looking at where Jacob's hand was starting to unzip his pants.
He almost laughed. "Neither did I. Tomorrow night?"
"Wha… what?"
"I want your heart, Bella. And as soon as possible. If I need to show you that we're perfect for each other in every way humanly possible in order to get it then I guess I need to do that. It's not like I don't want you. I mean… fuck, if I had the confidence to do it, I'd rip you of your clothing and take you on the kitchen table right now, but…"
I swallowed pretty loudly and felt a slight dampness fill my panties after he said that.
Damn it. He was looking at me like a piece of meat now. Oh no. Did he… smell that? Fuck your stupid wolf senses, Jacob! I hate that you can tell when you turn me on!
He smirked.
Ugh.
"Bella?"
I blushed so hard I HAD to turn around.
"What?" I asked, setting some flour and sugar down on the counter.
"You want to do that some time?" He asked, obviously stepping closer to me; I could feel his warmth getting closer.
"Do what?" My voice almost cracked with nervousness when he wrapped his arms around my waist from behind. His lips went to my ear.
"Me." He slightly chuckled at his little joke. "On the table."
"Jacob…" I whined, turning my head from him and trying to free myself of his grasp. I finally did and he shook his head, trying not to laugh at my unease.
"Well, do you?" Jake's arms were folded across his chest again and his eyebrow raised when I looked back at him.
"Do I wanna fuck on the kitchen table? I dunno. Maybe. But right now I'd like to just make some food for my father's birthday, so how about we talk about this tonight?"
"No, I want to talk about this now."
"Jacob-"
"Fine! But… tomorrow night? It's a Tuesday, Charlie always works late on Tuesdays. And he'll probably be even MORE busy than usual since he's taking today off for his birthday and since it IS spring break there's probably more things for the police to tend to this week so he'll be at work late for SURE… right?"
He was serious. Were we really going to do this? "Uh…"
"Boo, I wanna give you everything you want. And as much as I hate the fact that we have to be physical in order for you to give me your whole heart, I … kind of… understand. So… tomorrow night. What do you say?"
I went with the only answer I could think of at that moment. "I guess we could try."
Jake smiled and leaned down to kiss me quickly. "Do or do not. There is no try."
I shoved him away from me and shook my head. "Yes, Master Yoda." I laughed and got back to cooking. "Could you at least go find SOMETHING to decorate with before Charlie gets home and becomes upset by the lack of streamers?"
"Emily's bringing some stuff over in a few. I'll use that."
"Well then find something else to decorate with right now. I need alone time while cooking."
"All righty, Chef I-Need-To-Be-Alone-To-Concentrate," Jake chuckled and left the kitchen, allowing me to release a long breath I'd been holding in.
How tense does a conversation have to be? Geesh!
I started on a few different dishes and I could hear Jake rummaging through closets in the house trying to find anything interesting to set out for the party. I knew he wouldn't find anything and that Emily was going to be his saving grace once she got here with all the decorations but I didn't say anything, finding it quite amusing that he was really trying to decorate all by himself.
After I heard a crash upstairs and a few expletives from an obviously very frustrated Jacob, I heard the doorbell ring.
"Jake! I'm busy in here, can you get that?" I yelled, setting the cake I'd made into the oven.
"Yeah!" He yelled back, running down the stairs. I saw him run by with a bow stuck to his head and bit my bottom lip, trying not to laugh out loud.
Thankfully, Emily did the job for me. Once the door opened, I heard a gasp and then a hysterical laugh from one of the sweetest voices ever. "Bella did you do this?" she asked, stepping into the house and dragging Jake into the kitchen with her. She was still laughing when I turned around to face them and giggled. "Nope."
Jake looked confused. "Uh… what?"
"I think the box of bows must have fallen on him when he was going through the closet," I said, walking over to Emily to give her a hug.
Jake's right hand immediately went to his head and he rolled his eyes when he found a big, red, sparkly bow there.
"Aw, Jake, don't take it off, it's cute. You could be one of Charlie's gifts!" Emily said in her sing-song voice.
Jake just raised an eyebrow at her and then shook his head, letting go of the laugh he'd been holding in. "Yeah… uh… I dunno how great of a gift I would be for Charlie."
"Really?" She continued, obviously happy with her little joke here. "You could give him wolf-back rides! Oh goodness, Jacob, how absolutely adorable would that bow look on your wolf?"
I couldn't hold it in anymore. A laugh escaped my throat that made me double over and hold my stomach because it almost hurt to laugh that hard.
"Thanks. Thanks Em, you just gave my best friend another reason to laugh at me."
"Oh, honey, she had many other reasons to laugh at you before, she just did it behind your back." Emily handed Jake the big bag of decorations she'd brought and shooed him away into the living room.
I was still giggling when Jake left the room and Emily came over to the counter to see what I'd been up to.
"Oh, Emily, don't look. Please? My cooking's not near as good as yours," I said to her, moving the dish of lasagna, one of my dad's favorite, out of her sight and over towards the oven.
"Bella… sweetie… thank you, but I know for a fact you can cook better lasagna that I can." Emily leaned against the counter and I smiled up at her, shrugging my shoulders.
"I thought I'd make that and a salad and a cake and-"
"That sounds great, Bella, but do you really think I'm in here to talk to you about food?"
I gave her a confused look and then shrugged again, leaning against the counter next to her.
"I'll answer that for you. No." She nudged my arm with her elbow. "What's been goin on with you and Jacob hmm?"
I looked up at her, shocked. "Nothing. What do you mean?"
"Isabella…" she whispered, giving me that knowing look.
"Ok, ok. Um… we've been … kind of… experimenting on what we think our relationship should be and-"
"Isabella Marie, would you just give it to me straight? Honey, I saw that you and Jake are closer than usual. Yesterday at my house? Remember? You guys were giving each other looks I'd never seen you two give each other. And I thought you guys were already in love with each other, but something changed. What?"
"I admitted it," I said, looking straight at her. Emily gave me an excited, but shocked look.
"Well FINALLY, Bella!"
"Sshhhh. Geez, I don't want anyone else to know. We're … working it out."
"What's to work out, Bella? You love each other, so be together. How hard is that?"
"Em… you know me. I'm insecure and indecisive and nervous and-"
"In love." Emily shook her head at me and then stood up straight, moving towards the center of the kitchen to look into the living room at Jacob. "That boy in there," she said, pointing to him, "loves you more than you think. All he ever talks about is how he feels about you and, no offense, Bella, but he deserves more than you're giving him."
"Em, I know. You don't think I know this? I just… have issues. He's amazing and deserves so much better than me, but-"
"But he loves you."
"I don't know why."
"Because you're his best friend. You two just fit. Just believe it, Bella." She sighed before coming over to me and grabbing both my hands. "I won't tell anyone that you guys are working on things, but let me remind you that once the boys phase and hear Jake's thoughts about you, word will spread pretty fast."
I grinned, knowing that would happen. "Yeah, I know. I think I'll have something figured out by then."
"So you love each other, both of you know it, but you're not official because you're afraid of getting your heart broken again?"
I looked up at her and bit my lip before nodding.
"Well, guess what, Bella? You're in luck," she said seriously.
"What do you mean?"
"Jacob is a much better man than that Edward. He'll never break you. All he wants to do is fix that broken heart of yours and make you the happiest girl in the world. Believe me, I know. He's come to me for advice on you for years." She chuckled and let go of my hands, giving me a hug. "I'll see you in a few hours, honey."
I hugged her back and gave her a smile before she left the kitchen. I heard her explaining a few decorations to Jacob and then a few minutes later, the front door opened and closed.
How does Emily always seem to be right? Why is she always so insightful? And why the hell does she always make me feel like a horrible person? I laughed at myself for thinking that, but it was true. She was the only person in the world who could get a hug from me after she pretty much told me I was a bitch for not giving in to Jacob.
The next two hours were filled with a lot of nothing, but they were very productive because by the time eleven-thirty came around, I had finished making everything for lunch including the birthday cake I'm sure would not be enough for everyone that was coming over. As I was finishing frosting the cake, Jake came into the kitchen.
"So … I'm a genius."
I turned around immediately. "Oh no. What did you do?"
"Uh… decorated?"
"Jacob, you only say you're a genius when you do something completely opposite from what I told you to do."
"Yeah, well… Charlie's a guy… he's not gonna care all that much what the decorations look li-"
"Oh NO! Jake what did you DO?" I ran into the living room and gasped. Jake came into the room behind me, laughing.
"You are so EASY to get worked up, Boo." He said, still chuckling, obviously proud of himself.
I turned around to him and put my hands on my hips. "I could say the same thing about you, Jacob Black," I said, walking over to him and grabbing his junk before patting him on the back and walking back into the kitchen.
I heard him growl. Yes. You thought you'd won, Jake, but uh… Point Bella Swan. Bella one, Jake zero. He'd actually decorated the living room and back porch quite nicely, with some streamers and a cute little banner he'd made himself that said 'Happy Birthday, Chief' on it. Our plan was to tell Charlie that we'd slept in because we were busy cooking and decorating until really late last night.
As if someone knew exactly when the cake was done, the doorbell rang right as I finished frosting it. "Oh no… is that-"
"No, it's just Em and Sam," Jake said, opening the door. "Hey guys."
"Hey," Sam and Emily said together as they walked into the house with a bag of something, a present wrapped in blue wrapping paper and, of course, something Emily had cooked up.
I ran right by them and up the stairs. "Hi guys! I'm sorry but I've gotta change before more people get here!"
"Sure thing, Bella," I heard Sam say back to me. It only took me ten minutes to change into jeans and a black t-shirt, after I fixed my hair and put on some make-up.
When I got back downstairs, no one else had arrived, but Jake had changed his clothes as well.
"Where'd you get those?" I asked him, pointing to his clothes as I set out food onto the kitchen table. Sam and Emily were sitting on the couch in the living room, wrapped in each other's arms as usual.
"Emily brought me some clothes from my house. She's really good at thinking about what all of us need … all the time. I guess she figured I didn't have any clothes here so-"
"Yeah. I keep forgetting how perceptive she is. And how helpful."
"And insightful." Jake grinned at me. Oh no. Had he heard Emily talking to me in the kitchen earlier? I guess it didn't matter, since we'd talked about all of this with each other before, but I knew he felt suave just knowing he had people on his side, trying to convince me to give him my heart.
"Jake-"
"We'll talk later."
Jacob left the kitchen to go to the front door again. Within the next fifteen minutes, my house was full of people awaiting the arrival of my dad. When he finally did show up, with Billy, of course, everyone jumped on the opportunity to wish him a happy birthday and give him a hug.
"Ok ok ok, all of you! Let me change before you all start smelling as bad as I do!" My dad joked, making his way to the stairs to get to his room to change his clothes. There were many nights he'd spend over at the Blacks' place, usually drinking too many beers and telling too many old stories until he just passed out on the couch, and as bad as that sounds, it was great that my dad had friends that were good enough to let him stay at their place and comfort him when he could be living a really lonely life.
The party went really well, and surprisingly, my dad was more focused on everybody else - and the food - than Jacob and I. I was thankful for this since Jake kept putting his arm around me and whispering things to me and kissing my forehead and making me feel a little uncomfortable, but my dad didn't notice. If he did notice anything, I guessed he just figured it was Jake being Jake because he didn't acknowledge that he was concerned or curious about anything.
Billy, however, was a different story.
"Bella?" He asked, rolling over to me in the kitchen while I was cleaning a few dishes after most of the people have left the house.
"Oh hey. What's up?"
Billy was silent and when I turned around to look at him, a smirk was plastered on his face.
I let out a small laugh. "Should I be afraid of what you're about to tell me, Billy?"
He laughed as well. "No. I just wanted to know if you and Jake had uh… come to an agreement on … you know, what exactly you were."
"Huh?" I looked around, afraid my dad was somewhere close, listening in on our conversation.
"It's ok, Bella, Jake and Sam are talking to Charlie outside. I just wanted to know... did the alone time last night solidify your relationship? I guess that's all I'm asking."
"Oh… uh… well… we talked a lot… and uh…"
"Bella I don't need to know details," he said, closing his eyes and shaking his hands in the air.
I shook my head and chuckled, "No no, nothing-"
"I don't need you lying to me either."
"Billy-"
"Nope! Don't even try it. I don't like liars. I just need to know if I need to prepare myself to take care of a broken-hearted Jacob again or if everything is all right."
"We haven't exactly decided what-"
Billy just sighed, loudly. "All right, Bella. Just decide soon because if you let this go on long, Jacob's going to go insane. You don't know how many nights I've had to hear him whine about you."
"I'm sorry, Billy. I don't mean to … hurt anyone. In fact that's probably the reason I'm so … indecisive about all this. I'm just … insecure."
Billy stared up at me and nodded. "Let me tell you something." He motioned to a chair at the kitchen table and I immediately sat down. "Bella… each day… each day of your life should be filled with the most intense, beautiful, heartwarming, butterflies-in-the-stomach inducing love that you could ever feel. It should because you never know which day … which MOMENT… will be the last moment you will ever feel that love."
I felt the tears fill up in my eyes and I wanted to hold it all in, but a tear escaped and ran down my cheek anyway.
"When you finally give everything you have to someone, and they give it back to you, feeling like you are connected to that person in body, mind and soul, your whole world feels complete. Nothing else matters. And no, Bella, I was not a wolf so I didn't imprint on Sarah. Sometimes… real love happens. Let it happen." Billy took my hand and kissed it before he left the kitchen and tears flew down my cheeks right after he did.
