A/N: And you thought this was dead, didn't you? (Well, actually... it kinda was. School's a bitch.) You won't be able to get rid of me that easily! I know I've promised a triumphant return to Not-so-Secret Window in the past, and then gone and broken that promise by not updating in forever... can you ever forgive me? Corn will be FedEx'ed to the following ladies: Kathy L., Corpse Beneath a Bridal Veil, and SANDYheartsMORT, who are the newest members of our little club. Welcome!

Rated for: profanity, oddity, and a dash of slash

DISCLAIMER: Secret Window is not mine. There's waaaay too many pop-culture references within to list here... besides, I want you to be surprised. So if you read something and you've heard it before, chances are it's not mine. (Unless I'm recycling my jokes, in which case, please tell me.)

Also, SmileVampy is not racsist.


Chapter the 12th: Mort Goes to the Hood

(Shot of a city. Presumably New York. Nature freaks everywhere get suicidal.)

Nature freaks: (stabbity) Boo hoo... (gougity)

(Mort and the Only Black Guy in This Movie, who is supposedly some private eye security guy, are in a fancy schmancy office.)

OBGTM: Did you steal it?

Mort: (twitch) God, no! The story's plot was a piece of crap!

SmileVampy: (exasperated sigh) Oh, Mort...

OBGTM: I hope you're not lying to me...

Mort: I'm not.

Fangirls: Our Morty is the truthfulest guy evar!

OBGTM: 'Cause then I'd have to go all Samuel L. Jackson on your ass.

Mort: Meep. (daydreams)

(Cue "Shaft" music)

Audience: Who's da sexy writer who- (snort) bags all dem chicks?

Fangirls: (singing) Mort!

Audience: Yo' daaamn wrong. He's a dumb ass mother f-

Fangirls: Shut yo' mouth!

(End daydream)

OBGTM: It's pretty coincidental...

Mort: Well, duh! He obviously stole my story. Who's side are you on, anyway?

(Treebeard randomly pops his head in)

Treebeard: He is on nobody's side... because nobody is on his side...

OBGTM: Well put, sir. Thank you.

Treebeard: Just trying to... help a brother out.

Mort: Um.

Treebeard: Meeting... in my office... at four. Be there?

OBGTM: Of course.

(Treebeard leaves)

SmileVampy: Ha-ha, get it?

Mort: (blink)

OBGTM: I just want the truth.

Mort: (smiles) You want the truth? You-

OBGTM: If you say "You can't handle the truth" I swear I will hit you so hard...

Mort: (cowers) Don't hurt me!

OBGTM: Just tell me if this guy's your everyday freak... or if Superfreak! He's a superfreak! Superfreaky yeah! ...in which case you should really get a lawyer.

Mort: I ain't gettin' no stinkin' lawyer! Man-in-Hat is just crazy. Period. End of story.

OBGTM: Fine. But if he decides to burn your house or kill your wife, I can't do a damn thing about it.

Mort: (laughs) I don't think we'll need to worry about that... I mean, what're the chances?

SmileVampy: Oy...

Mort: I just want you to help me like you did that one time...

(Cue "Mexican Hat Dance")

Mort: Remember?

OBGTM: Yeah, I remember. But that guy was just an obsessed fan...

SmileVampy: (looks pointedly at Fangirls)

Fangirls: What?

OBGTM: You writers get them all the time.

Mort: (fake modesty) Now I wouldn't say that...

OBGTM: Stephen King has a bunch.

Mort: Really?

OBGTM: Oh yeah. Do you know how many death threats he's gotten for Dark Tower 7? Thousands.

SmileVampy: Ooh. Ouch.

Mort: Huh.

OBGTM: Now this "Shooter"... he sounds like a psycho. Class-A, Norman Bates-caliber psycho. Has tried to kill you at all?

Mort: Well, no. Not yet. But he killed Chico!

OBGTM: I'm pretty sure your sheriff doesn't give a crap. Anything else?

Mort: Last time he was over, he didn't flush the toilet. So you can say he tried to kill me with germs!

OBGTM: (dryly) Oh, I'll get right on it.

Mort: So you're gonna help me out, dawg?

OBGTM: (glares at him, says sarcastically) Well, I gots to be back in Harlem for a gang war on Friday, but I'll give you a few days, knamean?

Mort: Thanx homie!

OBGTM: No problem... (mutters) Offie.

Mort: See, I wrote my story years before he-

(Suddenly the Only Black Guy in This Movie hits a timer, which starts ticking)

Fangirls: OMG how rude!

Mort: You bastard I thought we was cool wit eachother!

OBGTM: (evil grin) Time is money, you know. Continue.

Mort: (grumble) I wrote my story in '94... he says he wrote his "three weeks ago while shit-faced in the back of a pickup truck." Now, mine was published in Hack Writer's Mystery Rag, and I have a copy of it at the Wife's house... I'm gonna go over completely unannounced and pick it up.

OBGTM: "The Wife's house?" You mean Amy.

Mort: Mmmhmm. Whats-her-face. We're split up right now, but she'll come crawling back to me any day now... aaaaany day now...

OBGTM: I'm sorry, man.

Mort: So am I. She got the house. It was such a pretty house... (sobs)

OBGTM: Are you on good terms? Is she free game now?

Mort: No... and no. Would you be on good terms with your wife if she broke your heart and crushed your masculinity and served both on a platter made from the bones of small children to her master, Lucifer Ted, the Devourer of Souls and Destroyer of Marriages?

OBGTM: Ahh.

Mort: Yeah.

OBGTM: So what happened? Did you finally make sweet sweet love to one of those fangirls?

Fangirls: (sigh) That would be lovely, but we'll settle for the next best thing! (get up and start unbuttoning their shirts) Mr. Rainey, if you could sign these...

Audience: Ah! The horror! The whoreror! (covers eyes)

SmileVampy: (pokes at Fangirls with a cattle prod) Down, Sparky! (points to Audience) And you! One more over-used movie quote out of you and I'll make y'all watch The Astronaut's Wife!

Audience: Good god, no!

SmileVampy: Then hush!

Audience: But we-

SmileVampy: Ah-ah-ah! (holds up DVD threateningly)

Audience: (whimper)

OBGTM: (to Mort) Bang 'em yet?

(If looks could kill, the Only Black Guy in This Movie would be hit over the head with a shovel. Repeatedly.)

Mort: Asshat.

(Mort hits the timer, which stops ticking)

OBGTM: Oh for chrissake... take it like a man!

(The Only Black Guy in This Movie also hits the timer, which resumes ticking)

SmileVampy: Hee.

OBGTM: Continue.

Mort: Anywhoodle, if all Man-in-Hat wants is proof, fine. I'll give him the magazine. But... but...

OBGTM: Yeah?

Mort: I just want you there with me when I do.

OBGTM: (smiles, takes Mort's hand) Of course I'll be there with you.

Mort: (misty-eyed) You mean it?

OBGTM: Forever and ever. (embraces Mort)

(Cue "Brokeback Mountain" theme)

Fangirls: (weep with slashy joy)

SmileVampy: (sniffle) "I wish I knew how to qu-"

Audience: Hey! Hypocrite!

SmileVampy: (is shamed) I can't help myself... (sniffle)

(Mort and the Only Black Guy in This Movie let go of eachother)

OBGTM: Remember what I charge?

Mort: But I don't have any 12 year-old Guatemalan prostitutes... or chocolate sauce. Or $50,000, for that matter.

OBGTM: Worry about that later. Now, when you get back there'll be a black car in your driveway. Don't panic; it's only me. Or the CIA.

Mort: Okey dokey.

(Mort gets up and leaves)

OBGTM: (calls after him) Get some sleep! You're starting to look a little psycho...

SmileVampy: Oh if only you knew...

(Suddenly, the Only Black Guy in This Movie hits the timer)

OBGTM: (chuckles) Stickin' it to the Man...

To Be Continued...


A/N: Did I do good? Review, please... especially if you haven't before! Mort has lots of corn to share with y'all.

Concerning updates: I cannot give you a chapter a week, and probably not even a chapter every two weeks. Other fics are begging to be written/updated, you know. But I will try my damndest to get you a chapter a month.

SmileVampy (love and shovel-whacks)

P.S. My bio is totally revamped!