The first buds of summer began to wilt, singular leaves turning to gold and amber. It was intriguing, Lukas thought, how something could be so beautiful when it was dying.
Fields rolled past the car window, until they were replaced by an urban jungle. Planes flew low above the buildings, leaving behind white tails. He had only been on a plane once when he was 5, but he remembered the feeling of take-off and the painful sensation of his ears popping.
Érik parked the car, and the six of them exited, Mathias loping off to open the car boot and take out the luggage. He unpacked the car, grinning all the time. From the stature in his posture, it was clear to see that his heart was racing. Berwald set up Emil's chair and helped get the boy into it as the Dane slammed the car boot shut.
The excited puppy gripped tightly onto the handle of his red suitcase, gesturing for them to hurry as he ran towards the bus stop where there were only two other people waiting. He bounced as they joined his side, beaming from ear to ear, receiving weird looks from the strangers.
"I can't believe I'll be in Copenhagen in about 5 hours," he screeched, his grin growing wider every second. He had so much life in his azuline eyes, so much youth on his face with the hint of stubble lining his chin. There was something about his being at that moment that sent a shiver down Lukas' spine.
They rode the bus down to the airport, making small talk on the way, with most of the conversation being Mathias fidgeting in his seat as he ran out of breath telling everyone what he was going to do and see in Copenhagen. It was exhilarating watching him never run out of energy or things to say, his voice almost thrilling in a way, personality too charismatic to stop listening. He barely noticed when the bus stopped and they got off, the Dane still yapping as he walked with Tino at his side, laughing at something he said.
The atmosphere inside the airport was astounding. The bustle of the people scurrying to reach their check-ins, the clamour of their voices loud, reverberating off the walls and various items inside.
Mathias inhaled, reading the departure timetable. "Check-in at 34-36 for Copenhagen, and 45-47 for Stockholm." Berwald nodded and they decided to split up for the check-ins, Mathias going with Lukas, Érik and Emil while Berwald went with Tino. Although they went with him, Mathias stood in the queue alone, grinning back at Lukas every few seconds, his body shaken with excitement. Lukas rolled his eyes every time, a small smile playing on the corners of his lips as he watched the man place his suitcase on the tape to be taken to the rest of the luggage.
Practically skipping back, Mathias clapped his hands, beaming, his rucksack which he was using as his hand luggage not so securely hanging from one arm. They went to meet up with the other two again, Mathias chattering once more, the amplitude of his voice causing some to turn and glare at him, and Lukas, to his own surprise, found himself glaring back.
Once the six of them were once again together was the moment that he began to feel an ache in his chest. It started off small as he watched Mathias and Berwald hugging each of them in turn, growing with each embrace. By the time he had just hugged Berwald with a firm clasp on the back, he was unable to ignore it. He looked at Mathias, finding he was looking back, arms open, an eyebrow raised. He sighed, punching him lightheartedly on the arm instead, the feeling not leaving him be. Mathias' face fell slightly for a split moment before returning to a grin. He laughed, before saying goodbye a final time.
He couldn't watch him go. Some part of him couldn't bear it. Instead he focused on something else; Tino and Berwald had walked a little away from them, talking quietly to each other. The small Finn's cheeks were stained, the taller's fingers gently caressing his face, lifting it slightly to kiss him. The tiny gesture made the pain in his chest flutter, his head snapping in the direction of the leaving Dane. Before he knew what he was doing, he ran.
Just as Mathias turned, confusion on his face, he fell against him, arms tight around his torso, fingers gripping to the fabric of his shirt, face buried in his shoulder. For a second he swore he felt Mathias' heart skip a beat. Before Mathias could react, he spoke, whispering softly.
"Call the moment you land," his voice was muffled in the fabric but still audible as he felt a laugh pass through the Dane. He felt long fingers running through his fair hair, gentle, careful, as though he was a fragile china doll or an old painting.
"Didn't know you loved me this much, Nor," Mathias laughed, at which Lukas felt his neck redden, the warmth rushing to it without his control. Mathias' grin widened seeing the flush on his face, eyes never once leaving Lukas' face. "Just joshing with you, Luke. I'll try to remember to call," he winked, patting the other's shoulder a final time before leaving to catch his plane, becoming lost to Lukas in the sea of bodies bustling in the pre-autumn hustle.
They had long been home when it happened. The four of them who remained had decided to spend the remainder of the afternoon with each other, playing a few old board games at the kitchen table. From the depths of the misused closet under the stairs the Finn had managed to salvage a few ancient looking boxes, coated in a thick layer of dust that flew off around the whole room if you moved too fast, causing Emil to sneeze multiple times, his wheelchair rolling slowly back every time.
They were in the middle of an intense game of battle ships, Emil and Lukas vs Érik and Tino. Lukas' opposition had had incredible luck; the two had sunk all but two of the brothers' ships, both of which were single ones, while keeping most of their own ships, including their five ship afloat. The dire situation frustrated him, and the need to bang his head against the desk was overpowering.
"J6?" Emil asked, his voice faltering as Tino's smirk grew even further.
"Miss. B10."
Lukas threw his head back with a groan, his voice strained as he said "Hit". The game ended the next round with the Finn once again finding their ship. With their final ship sunk, Lukas sighed, sliding his chair out and getting himself a mug of milk to drink. He slumped with his back against the counter, drinking the cold beverage. Letting out a sigh, he turned on the screen of his phone, checking the time. Tino walked over to him, placing a hand on top of his. He noted that the others had left the room, leaving the two to themselves.
"He'll call soon," he smiled, giving him a reassuring squeeze, "Why wouldn't he after all?" Lukas nodded, not a single reply leaving his thin, pursed lips.
Just as he let out a short breath, the phone vibrated on the counter, making the both of them jump. Mathias' contact flashed on the screen, the photo Lukas had taken of him a few summers back of him grinning so wide that his eyes were shut, a peace sign held up to his face.
He answered the call almost too fast, some of his bangs falling over his eye. He tucked them behind his ear again.
"Hello?" He froze. Sniffling sounded from the other side, causing his muscles to tense up. "M-Mathias?" There was a short silence other than crying and distressed sounds of the other passengers before Mathias spoke words Lukas didn't want to hear.
"I'm calling to say goodbye."
His heart stopped, a cold feeling spreading to his limbs from his chest which felt like an empty, frozen abyss. He wanted to put down the phone, to run, to not listen. He couldn't breathe.
"W-what?" he stammered, gripping tight to the counter surface, "Mathias, what's happening?"
"The plane it's..." he heard the man chuckle sadly on the other side; not loud and full of life like the laughter Lukas knew which made his heart flutter, but a melancholic sound. He put the phone on loudspeaker, placing it on the ground beside him as he sat down, hands covering his ears, the fear of what came next consuming him and all his senses. Wet warmth trailed sadly down his cheek.
"It's crashing Lukas. I... I don't know if I'll make it."
It was like drowning. He might as well have been. His lungs were giving in, pins and needles spreading through his body, painfully stabbing him, his breath refusing to come. He felt trapped, wishing time would stop around him. But life isn't that simple.
"I... I need you to know something," Mathias continued, his own voice sounding like he was silently crying, hitching every few syllables, muffled with tears. "You listening?"
"Yeah..." Lukas whispered. Tino sat down beside him, tears streaming down his face like waterfalls. "I'm listening."
"You know the myth that when you're about to die you see your whole life flash before your eyes?" He took a breath before continuing, a young child screaming somewhere in the distance. "It's true. It's painfully, heartbreakingly true. And do you know what I saw?"
Lukas remained silent, his hands clamping tighter against his ears in vain, the sounds from his phone's speakers as loud as a scream in the middle of a December night. His shoulders shook against his will, a terrible scream stifled in his throat.
"I saw you, Lukas. It was always you. I'm so grateful I got to meet you, to become friends with you and..."
He didn't want to hear anymore but he felt like every last nerve in his body had been disabled, unable to move, feeling so hopeless, so empty.
"I love you Lukas." Mathias' breathing faltered as he said it, his voice weak. "I have to go. I'm sorry."
"Mathias I-" The call died, the connection failing. Lukas stared at the phone, wide-eyed, too many feelings filling his chest, threatening to overflow. And they did. One by one the tears began to fall down his face as he buried it in his hands, the sobs loud.
You don't know what you have until you've lost it.
So I'm sorry. So so sorry.
