A/N: Not my usual thing; a long conversation between Tim and Gibbs. I apologise upfront if I got it wrong. But, when stressful things happen, people do tend to act differently than usual. If I went too far outside the box on this, I apologise.
Tim McGee had trusted him to keep his word.
"McGee? You okay?" Gibbs uncustomary greeting filled with concern threw Tim off. Obviously the man had looked at his caller id this time. Well, who could blame him, it was almost 4 in the morning.
"I dunno, Boss. My parents are gone. Overseas on a trip for the next two months." Tim couldn't keep the lonliness out of his voice any more than he could keep the honesty out of his answer.
"You went home to talk with them and they're not there." Gibbs commiserated with him. He didn't care that it was 4 in the morning. His youngest surrogate son had reached out to him, and thankfully, he hadn't been asleep at the time. Things would have gone downhill real quick if h'e answered the phone grumpy with sleep. He was more than happy to be available for the young man right now. The very fact that it was an ungodly hour, spoke volumes of the need Tim had to have someone to talk to right now. The fact that the young man had chosen to extend his trust to Gibbs, one more time, gave his former boss hope for the future and determination not to let this young man down again. Gibbs needed to prove to Tim, that he could count on his former boss.
"Yeah." Tim's sorrow was unmistakable.
"What are you gonna do, now?" Gibbs asked sympathetically.
"Dunno. Sara's coming back from her vacation on Sunday. Guess I'll stay here til then." Tim admitted with resignation. Clearly, he didn't want to even do that.
"Tim. You don't have to stay up there alone." Gibbs reminded him.
"I think maybe it'll help me think some things through, Boss." Tim grudingly admitted.
"You know, with the way that computer brain of yours thinks, you could be setting yourself up for some serious trouble, trying to think things through alone. I've seen how your mind sends your thoughts spiralling out of control pretty damn quick, sometimes, Tim." Gibbs reminded him, not at all happy with the idea of Tim being alone with all of his troubles brewing around in his head.
"Boss, you really aren't pissed at me?" Tim carefully changed the subject, suddenly needing to hear verbal confirmation of Gibbs written words.
"McGee! I told you already. I am not pissed at you, but if you keep hounding this into the ground, that'll change quick." Gibbs warned.
"Sorry, Boss. I guess I just needed to hear you say it." Tim apologised with shame in his voice. The last thing he wanted to do was piss Gibbs off, especially if the guy was willing to talk to him at this hour of the morning.
"It's okay, Tim. I understand. Why don't you tell me what's on your mind?" Gibbs patiently redirected the conversation.
"Kate." Tim whispered with brutal honesty, knowing Gibbs would probably end the conversation right then and there. He'd just blown his chance to talk to Gibbs, man to man.
"It's all right, Tim. We can talk about it." his former boss promised. He hated talking about the people he'd loved and lost. But, he knew that this time, it was something he needed to do so his team members could heal hurts they hadn't known were still festering.
"You really meant it; you never blamed me, Boss?" Tim asked with sorrow and disbelief in his voice.
"Yeah, Tim I meant it. I never blamed you. Ever. I wish you had come to me about this a hell ofa lot sooner. We could have worked through this." Gibbs told him.
"How? You and I never talked about anything like that, Boss." Tim sadly reminded him. "We've never been able to talk like this about anything before."
"I know, Tim and for that I'm sorry, too. A lot of things should have been handled differently but I was too blind to sse the damage being done." Gibbs' voice was full of regret.
"What was it, Boss? What is it? Why is it, you and I can't even talk like this in person?" Tim asked with regret so deep, Gibbs could feel it through the phone.
"I dunno, Tim. maybe it's because I see so much of myself in Tony, it's easier for me to relate to him. He's been here longer, and he seems to need more watching." Gibbs tried to reason.
"I guess I can understand that. But, I still don't get why you let me be the constant butt of everyone's jokes and pranks, Boss. You never put a stop to any of it." Tim's hurt began to become audible in his voice.
"Waiting for you to stand up for yourself, I guess. Tim." Gibbs tried to explain the inexcusable. "I was so used to dealing with Tony and Kate that way, it never dawned on me that my Marine training didn't work for you; only worked against you. I'll never be able to make it up to you. I'm sorry."
"I'm keeping you from getting sleep. I'm sorry, I'll hang up now." Tim apologised in return, chosing to leave Gibbs apology standing alone.
"No! Tim, don't hang up; unless you don't want to continue talking." Gibbs encouraged.
"Boss, I don't know what else to say. I know this isn't something you even like to have to do."
"Stop worrying bout that." Gibbs quietly instructed. "You and I need to talk this out; about whatever's bothering you." Gibbs directed.
"Now, I know you're short on sleep, Boss." Tim quipped, hoping he wasn't gonna lose this treasured opportunity.
"Yeah, it sounds like it, doesn't it?" Gibbs chuckled. "But, I'm serious. You've held too much in for way too long. It's why we're in this situation. Why you walked away from the team." Gibbs reminded him.
"No, Boss. Not entirely." Tim softly corrected him.
"Talk me through it, Tim. What brought you to the choice you made to leave us?" Gibbs asked in concern. He was fairly sure he wasn't gonna like the answer, but he knew he needed to hear it.
"Amanda." Tim painfully admitted.
"You left because she almost killed you."
"No. I left because my stupidity could have cost the team dearly. She came to the squad room, Boss!"
"McGee, it wasn't your fault she was there." Gibbs reminded him patiently. The last thing Tim needed was something else to feel responsible for. Especially when it came to this. This thing with this girl had hurt Tim deeply, they all knew that, now. That was devastating enough for the young man. He certainly did not need this on top of it.
"Doesn't matter, Boss. I allowed myself to fall for her so fast, it defied logical reasoning. That's not supposed to happen with our jobs." Tim firmly shouldered the blame. "We're not supposed to allow that to happen in our personal lives, Boss."
"No, Tim. No, we're not. But, we are human and it does happen. The important thing here was that you came to your senses and you recognised that something wasn't right about her, before it was too late." Gibbs reminded him.
"She almost killed me, Boss." Tim's pain was even more audible now. "I can't go through this again."
"Again?"
"I suck at burying stuff, Boss. I'm not capable of living with it like you do or Tony does. It took me a long time to learn to live with getting my heart broken the first time." Tim admitted guiltily. "I kept expecting you to write me up every day, I was so unfocused."
"I remember, Tim. But, you were still trying to find your feet on the team, so I was trying to be patient." Gibbs flashed back.
"And that was just when Abby broke up with me, Boss! If I hadn't left yesterday, when I did, you'd of had my badge by the end of the day." Tim worried.
"You know better than that, McGee. I may have come down on you hard, but it would have been to get your head back on straight. If you needed time for that, all you had to do was ask." Gibbs told him. "There's no shame in feeling the pain when you're heart's been stepped on, Tim."
"Guess, I thought you should've known I would need it. Stupid, huh?" Tim asked reluctantly, forgetting for a minute, who he was talking to. "When everyone just seemed to act like it was all just a walk in the park and life was gonna go on all normal; it just got to be just as much about the anger that was building, as it was what she had done." Tim confessed; so thankful to have someone to listen that he didn't even try to filter what he said or how he said it.
Gibbs was shocked at Tim's honesty and the depth of what he was feeling, that he was willingly sharing with him.
"Tim, didn't you learn how to channel your anger better without letting it eat at you?" the older man asked quietly. "But, you're right, as well as I read most people, there's no reason I can think of for not seeing what you were going through. I misread your silence, mistook it to mean you were able to put it all away and keep going.
"Not so easy to put in anger management into practice when you're hanging out there on that limb, Boss." Tim reminded him quietly.
"Are you still there?" Gibbs asked with concern. "Do you still feel like you're hanging on that limb?"
"Yeah, Boss, I guess I do." Tim admitted.
"I don't want you to stay up there alone. You need to be near people you know and trust." Gibbs instructed, concern giving his voice a harder edge than he wanted to be speaking to McGee with.
"Boss, relax, I'm okay. I just need some time." Tim promised.
Tim, feeling like you're still on that limb is not 'okay'. " Gibbs reminded him.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything." Tim responded.
"Don't apologise for being straight with me." Gibbs directed with enough authority in his voice, he knew Tim would accept what he said.
"Boss, I promise, I'll be fine. As long as..." Tim dropped his sentence, obviously wanting something but unable to ask for it.
"I'm listening." Gibbs reminded him
"Never mind. I'll be fine." Tim tried to throw his backbone into his words. Gibbs didn't miss the sadness or the forced show of strength.
"McGee, just tell me what you need." Gibbs demanded while keeping his voice as quiet as he could, not wanting anything he said to come out with any hint of anger.
"Your offer still open?" Tim asked hopefully.
"My door's always open and my phone's always available; even for you." Gibbs promised, finally understanding what Tim needed to hear.
"Thanks, Boss." Tim's immense gratitude made Gibbs feel bad. All these years and this was all this kid had needed and hadn't gotten.
You gonna be okay up there by yourself?"
"Yes and no." Tim answered with consistent honesty. "I'll be okay so long as I can call you if I need to."
"Like I said, Tim. Anytime." Gibbs vowed. "If you need help getting back here, you call me. You hear?" Gibbs pushed.
"Thanks, Boss. I only bought a one way ticket." Tim admitted. "Start the new job in 3 weeks up here." Tim painfully reminded him.
"You call me when you're ready to come back and I'll come get you." Gibbs promised. "Even if it's just to get your stuff."
"Thanks, Boss." Tim gave back.
"You okay now?" his former boss pushed in concern.
"I'm okay, I promise." Tim vowed. "Thanks for the time, Boss."
"Anytime, Tim. Anytime. Try to get some sleep, all right?" Gibbs suggested.
"Been sleeping since I got here, Boss."
What are you gonna do?" Gibbs asked, fearing the empty time would lead into too much thinking and analyzing for the young man.
"Write, probably."
McGee. think maybe you could talk to Abby? Or Tony? They both could probably do with hearing from you." Gibbs uncharactoristically requested.
"Sure, Boss. I'll give it a try. Can't guarantee results, but I'll email them. Not really up for talking to anyone else right now." Tim conceded without giving in.
Gibbs was proud of him. "I'm proud of you. Don't ever think I'm not, Tim." with even more uncharactoristic openness, Gibbs made sure Tim knew where things stood.
"Thanks, Boss." Gibbs could hear the smile in the young man's voice as they disconnected the call.
