LIFE UNDER THE SUN

Chapter 12

"I know that I was a difficult kid..."

Lovino swallowed and stopped. He could sense Gilbert seething by his side and holding back a comment. In any other situation, he would have gone ahead with it, but it would have been inappropriate now. But Lovino still couldn't finish the sentence - he had grown too used to Gilbert interrupting him whenever he even thought about it.

They were standing in a graveyard that was unlike any other Gilbert had ever seen, so fantastical and mysterious. At some point, part of the castle at the top of the village hill had been turned into a church and the graveyard was sprawled around it. A thin road slithered down towards the sea, accompanied by pompous, white graves and a stone wall half covered in moss. The coffins had been buried inside the hill because there wasn't enough space by the thin path. The graves left only a little stripe for the flowers and candles. Many of the headstones were covered in ivy and climbing roses, which gave the graveyard its mysterious appearance. It was one of the most beautiful places Gilbert had ever seen - if only the atmosphere hadn't been so suffocating. Rema Silvia Vargas's grave stood by a step of the paved path, unimpressive. Small climbing roses surrounded her name, but a half-burned candle in the middle of the base proved that Lovino wasn't here for the first time.

"I'm sorry."

Gilbert said nothing even though he would have liked to remind Lovino that it wasn't his fault. He had been doing that over and over during the past weeks - ever since they had started this damn hunt for his forgotten memories. They'd got into contact with Sadiq through Antonio, and he had pointed them to previous neighbours, who had sent them to their old priest. With every person, a further piece of the puzzle had been found until the ugly truth was visible. Rema Silvia Vargas, unable to bear the death of her husband and her mother, left alone with two small children and a wicked father, had thrown herself into the sea in front of the eyes of her remaining family and had never come back. The worst was that Lovino blamed himself - he was sure that he'd been a terrible child and had driven his mother insane. Gilbert couldn't convince him otherwise. Lovino had to find his own peace.

"You need to think about something else," Gilbert said to him later as they were sitting in front of an ice cream shop by the side of a stony street and poking at their gelato. Lovino fished an entire ball out of his bowl and dropped it into Gilbert's.

"And by that I don't mean that you should disfigure my ice cream! Pistachio doesn't go with the rest."

"Who still eats blue ice cream as an adult?"

"People with taste," Gilbert said and put a big spoonful into his mouth so that he had to hiss from the cold. At least it raised Lovino's spirits enough to make him talk.

"Okay - what did you mean? What would you do in a situation like this?"

Gilbert thought about it for a moment, but all he could come up with was: "Party."

"Sure, why not celebrate the discovery that my mother threw herself off a cliff because of me." Lovino threw a hand up in the air and almost knocked over his bowl of ice cream, but he didn't seem to care. His appetite had reached rock bottom during the past few days. Gilbert didn't know if he should be glad about his extra ice cream, or force Lovino to eat it.

"It wasn't because of -" he started, but Lovino only said, "Drop it." Tired, no longer angry, like in the beginning. They couldn't count how many times they had exchanged these words during the past weeks.

Gilbert put another spoonful of ice cream into his mouth, more carefully this time. "That wasn't supposed to be advice," he said, slurping. "You wanted to know what I would do. I'm not known for being a model example of how to fight your demons."

Lovino waggled his hands in agreement.

"Besides, there's no way to party here anyway," Gilbert said, looking at the idyllic village that spread over the hill. He couldn't see any neon advertising - at night, it was so dark that one could see every single star and the only source of sound was the horrible howling of fighting cats. He had discovered that during the hours-long experience of him and Lovino being stranded on the rocks. Nevertheless, Lovino snorted in disgust.

"That's what you say!"

Gilbert gave him a spoonful of pistachio ice cream, which Lovino surprisingly didn't spit back out. "I do. So. How to get you to think about something else..." he said, pulling his spoon slowly out of Lovino's mouth. There was a pause as they looked each other in the eyes. Then Lovino suddenly pulled back.

"What? I should focus on you? Make out with you? Finally jump to bed with you, is that what you're trying to say?" he said with a huff.

Gilbert stuck the spoon into his ice cream, irritated. Sometimes Lovino really was impossible. "That's not what I mean!" he said. Suddenly, he had no appetite left. He took a few bills from his pocket, placed them on the table and stood up. Lovino shuffled sullenly after him as he dashed away without a word.

"Gil -"

"That's not what I meant," he repeated, and Lovino sighed deeply.

"I know."

Gilbert added nothing but stubbornly kept going along the street towards the parking lot. Lovino almost had to run to catch up with him. "I'm sorry. You've been there for me during these weeks - I know that. I didn't want to be difficult."

This finally made Gilbert stop, but his anger wasn't gone. "Don't apologize to me because you're scared. Do you think I'd just leave you like that? Apologize when you mean it!" he spat out.

Lovino gasped for breath, and Gilbert used the chance to hurry away.

"I do mean it!" Lovino called out after him. "Hey, you idiot!"

Gilbert had reached the car and had climbed up on the back where they normally loaded the fruit. He found himself a corner to crawl into and pulled his arms and legs together.

"I said I'm sorry," Lovino said and knocked on the rusty car.

"That's the problem," Gilbert said. "Why do you try so hard that we don't fight? This here is a shitty situation. You have to fight with your past, blame yourself for everything and don't know what to do. I've been waiting for months for the right moment to kiss you and it's just not coming, and I know it won't come for a long time. I want to be there for you, but I'm only human, too, so don't act like I'm perfect when I know it's bugging you."

"So, we're fighting?" Lovino asked in disbelief.

"Exactly."

Lovino only shook his head and fished for the car keys in his pocket. For a while, he let them rattle in warning, but when Gilbert wouldn't move from his spot, he climbed to the driver's seat.

"Then hold on tight. Being angry doesn't make my driving any better."

Gilbert regretted his actions a little.


It took another week before Lovino finally made a phone call to the city. It had become October, so the days were abruptly shorter and the oppressive heat had turned into a comfortable, mild weather. The little house radiated in fresh white - all the damage had been repaired, and there was a beautiful layer of green and a few late roses growing half-way to the roof.

Feliciano was stunned when he saw the cleaned up house. He had jumped out of the car before Ludwig had had the time to stop and stormed to the porch where Gilbert and Lovino were waiting. Somehow, he managed to squeeze them both into a hug despite his small size.

"Air!" Lovino coughed, and Gilbert agreed with a groan. He was happy to see Feliciano again - he had just forgotten all the enthusiasm that he was capable of. After the time he had spent with Lovino, so much happiness all at once felt suffocating.

Gilbert somehow slipped out of the hug to greet his little brother. Ludwig was massive like always, but today he seemed even bigger. Gilbert realised that it was ages since he had last seen people with real muscles, and he patted Ludwig's biceps in excitement.

"You look good, brother boy!"

At the same time, Lovino exploded somewhere behind them because he thought that Feliciano had got bulkier. Ludwig watched the scene doubtfully.

"I should say hello," he said to Gilbert and marched bravely in Lovino's direction. That had to be his protective instinct talking because the victim of Lovino's nagging changed immediately. Gilbert took a deep breath, closed his eyes and spent a moment listening to the hum of the voices in the background. It didn't sound perfect, but it sounded like family. It made him happy.

Too bad that they had to spend the rest of the day making part of their family sad.

In the end, Feliciano took the news of their mother's dead much better than Lovino. He cried because he was Feliciano and didn't shy away from showing his feelings, but he cried for a lost memory, not a reawakened one. Lovino sat with a stony face on the couch and tried not to break into tears, too. Gilbert thought it would have done him good.

"Can we go to the bay?" Feliciano asked in the evening. "I'd like to see it."

Lovino looked up from his plate in shock.

"He's not ready yet," Gilbert answered. "But if you want, I'll take you there."

Lovino shot him a thankful look that made Gilbert feel strangely touched. The past few weeks had been hard, and sometimes he couldn't feel the connection he had built with Lovino - but at moments like this he remembered. He smiled at his plate of spaghetti in secret.

When Gilbert and Feliciano drove away later, Lovino sat down on the porch, closed his eyes and listened to the crickets whose song had accompanied him for years. He had spent so many evenings there, long before Gilbert's arrival, that he believed he was travelling back to another time and could indulge himself with nostalgia. But now the feeling refused to arise. He couldn't even say if he was remembering things right. Somehow, time had been passing without him being able to measure it, and he suddenly felt old.

The free seat by his side let out a crack under the weight of a person, and Lovino screamed.

"I didn't want to scare you," Ludwig said. Lovino was having too much trouble breathing to throw an insult at him. He hadn't realised that Ludwig had stayed at the house.

"What do you want?" he spat out when he could get air again. It was an unnecessary question because Ludwig was already offering something to him. Something that looked like an old, leather-bound book.

"I'd... like to show you something. It's very personal, but..." He shrugged and waited for Lovino to take the book.

Lovino would never understand how such a colossal macho could be so awkward. He decided to have mercy and took the book. On closer inspection, it turned out to be a diary. A small lock kept the covers together, and Lovino had to turn the key to open the pages. Ludwig had marked one with a bookmark.

"It belonged to my father," Ludwig said. "He was... not very specific. I would have never connected it to you. But when Gilbert told me..." He broke off when he noticed that Lovino had already got to the correct page and was reading the handwritten text.

The handwriting was dry and simple. Exactly what Lovino would have expected from Germann Beilschmidt. The content, however, was strangely poetic.

I don't understand how a grown man can cry so much. I don't understand how a man with so much joy in his soul can feel so much sadness. He's afraid for her, and I can't go back because I would make everything even worse. If he's right and it's love - why does it then break everything?

Depression is an insatiable monster. Worry is eating her, and her hate eats other people's happiness. She's no longer a daughter or a mother. She's only a widow and he should only be one as well. I believe he feels guilty. I do, too. I hate myself for despising her. But then I look at my sons and ask myself - how can someone with this kind of joy feel alone?

I'm sorry, Romulus. That my love is destructive.

Lovino closed the book and stared before himself for a moment. He believed he could more or less understand the words, even if Ludwig was right. It wasn't very specific.

"You aren't the only one who felt guilty," Ludwig started carefully, and when Lovino showed no negative reaction to his words, he got some more courage. "Sometimes it's nobody's fault. Sometimes there are only terrible situations and no way out."

"I'm sure there would have been a way out," Lovino said. He was surprised how emotionless his voice sounded.

"She seems to have seen the worst in everything. That's what depression does. The bad flourishes and the good is rejected. There's nothing anyone could have done, except maybe a trained therapist."

Ludwig sounded so unbelievably sensible that Lovino couldn't help but hate him a little. "I could have shown her support. Maybe. If I hadn't been such an awful demon child that only made everything worse."

"You were three years old and had just lost half your family. Do you really think you could have shown some kind of strength?"

Lovino said nothing. Slowly, he put the key back into the lock.

"I know what it feels like," Ludwig said quietly. "When someone gives up everything and you're sure you could have changed something. If I hadn't been such a weak child, Gilbert could have lived a different life. But in the end we can no longer change that, we can only live with the knowledge and be thankful."

Lovino was still clutching the diary in his hands. He wondered if he could ever be thankful and if yes, for what. A few days ago, he had finally fully recalled that scene that he had thought was only a broken dream. It was unfamiliar and unreal, at the edges of his memories. Maybe the oldest memory he had. It probably had no resemblance to reality, but when Lovino had seen her there, at the edge of the cliff, below her the roaring waves and his roaring grandfather by him - that was when she had looked in their direction, lifted a hand to her lips and blown them a kiss before throwing herself into the sea.

Maybe she hadn't left because she wanted to free herself of her horrors. Maybe she saw herself as the horror that she wanted her family to be free of. What had Germann written? She was no longer a daughter nor a mother. Maybe she had sensed the hate within her and had wanted to remove it from this world.

He kept staring at a dark stain that was growing on the leather cover. Ludwig shifted restlessly in his chair. Lovino had the feeling he had to say something.

"Goddamn aliens," he blurted out. He couldn't believe Gilbert had been right. Romulus and Germann. Feliciano and Ludwig. Lovino and Gilbert. He laughed and then sobbed, and Ludwig took the diary from his hands carefully so that he wouldn't ruin the leather with more of his tears.

"Thanks," Lovino said after wiping his face with his sleeve. "For that. I'm almost sorry for defacing your photo with a moustache."

Ludwig seemed puzzled. "Uh... okay." He paused, then: "Why exactly did you deface my photo with a moustache?"

"I thought it'd amuse me," Lovino said.

"Did it work?"

"A little."

Ludwig nodded. "Then it's alright. I'm not good at amusing people. I'm happy you decided to take the initiative."

Lovino stared and stared and then he laughed, without tears this time, which puzzled Ludwig even more.

"No worries. You're a funny guy," Lovino said and meant it.


"What the hell is going on here?" Gilbert asked when he stepped into the house and caught Lovino and Ludwig red-handed as they were painting two fluffy moustaches on his painting of himself and Lovino. He was carrying Feliciano on his back - apparently, they had somehow fallen to the sea during their trip because they were leaving a long, wet trail on the carpet. Ludwig and Lovino shot them equally disapproving looks.

"Did you get into the car like that?" Lovino asked in outrage.

Gilbert faced his anger with practised ease. "Don't worry. We took Ludwig's car," he said, which earned him a disbelieving "The Mercedes?" from his brother.

"Yeah. Is it bad if there's a starfish stuck on the muffler?"

Gilbert and Feliciano burst out laughing as Ludwig stormed out to inspect the damage on his car. Of course there was none - Gilbert had taken Lovino's car and spread the cover from the back over the seats. Nevertheless, Ludwig spent at least fifteen minutes poking his car for starfish. The others settled on the porch and watched him. It was already dark, and for the past two days everyone had been too lazy to change the broken bulb in the lamp, so they didn't see much more than Ludwig's flashlight. But they had fun anyway. At some point, Feliciano got up to accompany his boyfriend, which left Lovino and Gilbert alone.

"So, my kid brother isn't so bad after all, huh?" Gilbert asked with a grin.

Lovino could only mutter his response. "You didn't do such a bad job with him."

"Told you," Gilbert said with pride in his voice. Lovino was struck by a sense of longing, and he slid over to the spot where Feliciano had been so that he could lean against Gilbert. An arm moved carefully around his hips.

"It's almost painful to admit it, but you were right."

"There are many things I'm right about. You have to be more specific."

Lovino stabbed him with his elbow.

"Romulus and Germann. Your brother showed me your father's diary, and if I got everything right... The two of them probably had some kind of a relationship."

Had it been light - Lovino was sure of that - the bright grin on Gilbert's face would have blinded him. For added measure, he struck Gilbert a few more times with his elbow.

"My mother wasn't happy about it. She wanted Romulus to mourn grandma for longer, even though they had long since broken up. It must have been a very upsetting time - for everyone involved."

Gilbert wasn't laughing anymore, but he was staring at him with unconcealed curiosity in order to see Lovino's face in the dark. Then, he asked carefully, "Does that mean that you finally get it?"

"I'm not completely over the situation, if that's what you mean," Lovino said, "but I think I'm ready... to think about other things."

The arm around his hips stiffened suddenly. He heard Gilbert swallow.

"You mean..." Gilbert started hopefully, and Lovino almost felt sorry for him, but it was too tempting.

"Exactly. I'm finally ready..." A traitorous grin broke onto his features, but Gilbert couldn't see it. "To party!"

Gilbert screamed.

"Get dressed, we're going in half an hour," Lovino said with a laugh and tried to get out of Gilbert's clutches, but the arm was frozen around his body and kept him trapped. The other arm was duelling with Lovino's elbow.

"I hate you!" Gilbert said with a serious expression and got his finger through Lovino's defences to poke him in the thigh. Somehow, Lovino managed to get a hold of his wrist.

"Oh, looks like I have shit luck," he said. He had stopped wriggling and realised he was already halfway into Gilbert's lap. But that was okay. He was no longer afraid of leading Gilbert into believing things he wasn't ready for. A fresh breath of October wind nestled them closer together. Gilbert smelled of salt and sea and a bit of sea weed. And because it was high time for that, Lovino said, "Because I love you."

He more heard than saw how Gilbert opened his mouth. He needed a moment to find the words. After all the months, he hadn't thought it would come so suddenly, on such a simple moment on the porch, accompanied by the crickets. He had to reassure himself that he hadn't heard wrong.

"I love you, too," he finally managed to say. Lovino used the moment to free himself his hold. "But I hate you!" said Gilbert to that. "I really, really do!"

"Half an hour," Lovino said and made his way to his room.