A/N: I apologize for the heavy use of italics in this chapter. Couldn't think of how else to distinguish between dream-time and not. Also, I realize I've made Rinoa into a bitch. I tried honestly not to let my utter disdain and loathing of her show through, but my sister tells me I failed miserably.

Chapter 11- Memories

Zell jumped at the soft knock at the door to his room. "Come in," he called. He stood up from the only chair in the room to sit down on the bed only to stand up again when Ellone entered the small bedroom.

For once, the room was neatly cleaned with his t-board up against the wall and his bed made. All of Zell's efforts were wasted however when Ellone ignored the room and just smiled at Zell. "I'm glad you agreed, Zell," she said. "I think...I think you will be happy to remember things."

"Yeah, well, there are some things I need to figure out," Zell said. "And I think I'd rather get them sorted before we head into battle." Zell stepped back from the door as Ellone entered and took the seat at the desk. Zell wondered where he should be putting himself.

"Relax, Zell," Ellone said. "Why don't you have a seat on the bed."

Zell sat down. "I'm not nervous." That was a lie. His stomach felt like it had tied itself into knots.

Ellone laughed. "Of course not. We've done this dozens of times before."

"We have?"

Ellone nodded. "Yes, we have. You just don't remember." Ellone stood up rather abruptly. "Lie down, Zell." She walked over to sit next to the bed as Zell did as he was told. "And just...relax..."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

At first, Zell wasn't sure where he was. There was the sound of waves in the background, which made Zell think of Balamb. But then he realized he was starting out over a beach and he was much, much smaller than he was now.

Don't wanna go back inside...Matron can come find me...

Zell was momentarily startled at the foreign thoughts, but then he realized they were coming from himself.

Zell turned his head to the sound of footsteps coming across the sand. He recognized a much younger Ellone coming towards him.

"Zell? What are you doing out here all by yourself?" Ellone asked him.

Zell shook his head violently. "I'm not going back in and you can't make me." He stamped his foot against the wet sand.

"Okay then." Ellone sat down in the sand. "I'll wait out here with you."

Zell looked over at Ellone and then craned his head back towards the orphanage. "You should go back there. Everyone likes you," he said.

"That's alright, I like it out here. See, you can see the sunset." The younger Ellone pointed out over the water.

Zell sat down to watch the sink into the ocean in front of him. I like the ocean. Its pretty and big and always moving. "Hey sis, what's on the other side of the ocean?"

"Lots of things. New cities, new places. Lots of people."

Lots of people that I don't know? What would that be like? I bet they'd all hate me just like everyone here...

Zell remembered now, why this child-version of himself had left the orphanage. It was a party. A, 'birthday' celebration for all the kids in the orphanage at once. And Seifer had knocked into Zell making him spill his piece of cake on the ground. The other kids had laughed at him. Zell was amused at the memory now; Matron had probably had another piece of cake cut for him but he had run out of the orphanage before she could give it to him, crying like a little baby.

Another set of footsteps came across the sand, drawing Zell's attention away from the water. A much younger Leonhart was walking across the sand, carefully balancing three paper plates with cake on them.

"Matron sent me..."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

"How are you doing?" Ellone asked as Zell sat up. It felt really good to be back in his own body. She handed a glass of water.

"Fine," Zell said as he took a sip. He noticed the Ellone had one as well. "I..." if Zell thought about it, he could recall his time at the orphanage. It was just a vague outline but if Zell concentrated on a specific incident or person...

The image of Selphie as a little girl flooded his mind. Even then she had been adorable and had been on of his closest friends. No wonder she was always acting as though Zell would forget her. In a way, he had. They had gotten Seifer back for spilling Zell's cake on the floor the next night when they had poured water all over Seifer's bed. Matron had not been happy with either of them and had made them help her re-make the bed and stay up with her until the sheets were finished drying. They had both fallen asleep early but...

"Zell?" Ellone asked.

Zell shook his head. "Sorry, I think I got lost..."

Ellone smiled. "Its fine. So...its working?"

"Yeah, I think it is." Zell met Ellone's eyes. "What else can you help me remember?"

Ellone reached out to take Zell's glass of water from him...

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

It took less time for Zell to orient himself this time around. Zell was standing in the doorway to his room, a small bag over his shoulder.

"And this will be your room!" Ma was saying. His new father walked past him to place the large suitcase on the bed.

Zell looked around the room with wide eyes. "All mine?" he asked. This is awesome! I don't have to share with Irvine or Squall or Seifer any more! Of course, Zell could also remember his first night in the room, unable to get to sleep without the sound of his friends in the room.

"All yours," Pa said.

"Now, you just set your bag down there and I'll head downstairs to fix you something to eat," Ma said. "How about some hotdogs?"

My favorite! "Yes, please," Zell said.

"Pa will stay up here to help you unpack." Ma reached down to give Zell a kiss on the cheek before leaving downstairs. Hyne, how many times since that first one did Zell shy away from his mother's kisses. What an idiot he was...

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

"I'm sorry," Ellone said.

Zell didn't feel like moving. He thought he had finished crying over his mother but apparently everything hurt more when he could remember he more clearly. He could remember his grandfather's and father's funeral, every angry word he and his mother exchanged about his decision to enroll in Garden, how it felt to leave home. But, he could also remember the summer fireworks Balamb put on every year, his first day of school, and his mother's cooking. Fuck.

Ellone waited patiently until Zell sat up and grabbed his glass of water from the desk near the bed. When he finished the glass, Ellone silently took it from him and left the room to refill it.

"I think you forgot to mention that memories suck," Zell said when she had resumed her seat.

"I think you knew that, Zell," Ellone replied. "Why else did you try so hard to get rid of them?"

"Thought it was something Squall did."

"Perhaps," Ellone said. "Ready for another one? Or do you want to stop?"

"Let's go on..." Zell lay back down...

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The teenaged Zell dodged the punch Seifer threw at him and landed one of his on on the taller man's chest. Seifer took the blow but landed a solid one on Zell's head.

Then rough hands were pulling him back away from the red-head. Zell fought against them. I wanna rip that asshole to shreds! The hands held Zell firmly however. Seifer was likewise struggling against Raijin.

"Teachers!" Fuujin called from up the hallway. Zell stopped struggling against the hands holding him.

"We'll finish this later, Chicken," Seifer snarled. Who the fuck does Seifer think he is?Seifer turned and walked away followed by his two friends

Zell turned to snarl at the dark-haired boy who had interfered. "Next time just let me finish him!" he told Squall.

Squall looked at him for a moment. What the hell? Why doesn't he say something? "Staring at something, Squall?" Zell wished he could tell himself that Squall was deciding how best to diffuse the situation. But he couldn't of course.

"Whatever," Squall said before walking away. He's a bloody bastard too. Both of them, acting like they don't remember who I am! We went to the bloody orphanage together! Well, now Zell remembered how it felt to have people not remember you. Squall seemed to handle Zell's memory loss than Zell had handled his.

"Don't just walk away from me, Squall!" Zell called.

Squall stopped and turned to face Zell, a frown creasing his forehead. "Do I...know you?" Zell could hear the confusion in Squall's voice, but his younger self could not.

"What do you mean? Do you know me? You and Seifer!" Zell stormed off away from Squall. Whatever. If they want to pretend they don't know me, then …

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

"God I was an idiot," Zell said. He shook his head at himself.

"I would say you are young," Ellone said. "And you didn't realize the Guardian Forces would have taken their memories."

"Right." That one hadn't been particularly devastating, but along with it came the grueling training he underwent to become a SeeD, the rush of power he got from using the GF for the first time and the beginning of what Zell could only describe as a crush on the future commander.

"Ready?"

Zell nodded. "Sure, let's go for it."

Once again, the world around Zell spun into darkness...

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Zell groaned as he stood up from where he had fallen asleep against the banister in Ultimecia's castle. He wasn't surprised to see that Squall was already wide-awake. In fact, Zell, noted, he was the last one up.

"Good thing we scared most of the monsters away," Irvine said.

Zell yawned and managed to look sheepish. "Yeah well, I guess I was more tired than I thought."

"We're fine, it doesn't matter," Squall said. He looked towards the double doors leading to the next section of the hallway.

"Squall, that's nice of you," Rinoa said, grabbing onto his arm. Squall kept his eyes focused on the door ahead.

See how he doesn't notice you, Rin? That's not going to get better. But it had because Rinoa had been persistent. Zell felt the flood of emotions he had kept locked away in his memories.

"Well, let's get going," Quistis said. She offered Selphie a hand up.

"Yeah! We've gotta be almost to Ultimecia now!" Selphie said. She beamed at Squall and Rinoa and leaned in to Irvine. "Don't they look cute together?" she asked the tall, hatless cowboy.

"If you say so, Selph," Irvine said.

"Quistis, Irvine take point," Squall said. "Rinoa, Selphie in the middle. Zell and I will bring up the rear." He shook Rinoa free as Quistis and Irvine moved to the front of the small group and started walking towards the door. Rinoa and Selphie followed a couple paces behind. "Remember, Rinoa," Squall said, "keep your blaster edge ready." The dark-haired girl pulled her weapon free from its holster and made sure it was loaded.

Zell started to follow Rinoa and Selphie but was stopped by Squall's arm on his shoulder. "Thanks, Zell," he said softly, giving the shoulder a squeeze before starting the walk down the hallway.Damn it, Squall, you have no idea what you're doing, do you? Of course Squall hadn't known, mostly because Zell had never spoken up...

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The entire Sorceress War flashed against Zell's memory. Everything, from their exam in Dollett to the Time Compression. Ellone's attempt to change the past by Connecting them to Laguna, Kiros, and Ward.

Zell took a deep breath and sat up. "Right, I think I have almost everything now."

"I'm not surprised. The rest after the was … more simple." Ellone took a sip from her water glass. "I think...there's one more though that might bring back everything the rest."

"Sure thing," Zell said.

"You might want to take the rest of the evening after this to...remember."

Zell shook his head. He glanced at the clock over his door, eyes widening slightly at the time. When Ellone had come in, it was eight in the morning. They had been at this for almost ten hours. Zell supposed he should feel hungry but his insides were tied in knots. At best he felt rather hollow, as if his mind was absorbing too much information at once. Which he supposed it was.

"Do you want a break before this last one?" Ellone asked.

"Not really. Are you hungry at all?"

Ellone smiled. She pointed to a tray of food that was on the desk. "Selphie dropped by to see how it was going," she said. "I asked her to bring me something."

Good. At least Ellone wasn't suffering for his selfishness. Because that's exactly what all of this was. "Then let's finish it." Zell lay back down. "And...thanks, Sis," Zell remember to say before the darkness claimed him for a final time.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

"Sure, come in." Zell stepped aside and opened his door for Squall. Don't stare too long. He'll notice. And why would that have been bad again?

The time on the clock said it was almost midnight. Squall must have just left the office; but what kept him working late tonight?

"Water?" Zell asked, walking over to the sink.

"Thanks." Squall took a seat on Zell's couch. Zell filled the water glass and returned to sit next to Squall. He handed him the cup and waited. "Rinoa wants me to go to Deling City with her."

Well, of course. She never gets to see you here and that is her home."Okay. Is there a problem with that?"

Squall frowned at him. "I have a job here."

"Not one that Xu and Quistis can't handle, baby," Zell said.

"Then no. There is no problem." Squall didn't move from his spot on the couch.

What does he want from me? Advice? I can't give him honest advice. He shouldn't go to Deling. But I can't say that. He's happy with Rinoa and I'm not going to interfere. He deserves to be happy. Even if... "This is what you want, right? To be with Rinoa?" Zell held Squall's eyes. Squall, for his part, didn't look away. Don't say yes. Say that you belong here, with me. Because you trust me like you never trust her which is why you're here with me now instead of in your room with her.

Squall looked like he was going to say something. He didn't though, just swallowed thickly and nodded. "Thanks, Zell." He placed the cup on table in front of the couch, stood up, and left the room without another word.

Zell sat back in the couch. I am such an idiot. There was never a chance and I knew that from the beginning. Maybe I should find someone else and move the fuck on. It'll get easier with him out of sight. But it hadn't. Zell had tried to move on, to date other people. The pig-tailed girl was nice but too silly. There had been others but always, in the back of his mind, Squall. Eventually, it became easier to just forget...

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Squall leaned back in his couch, a headache threatening to pound his temples to pieces. The final meeting with Martine, Laguna, and himself had taken far longer than he had wanted. It was almost ten at night and he still hadn't eaten dinner. That would probably help his headache. So would a decent night's sleep before they moved out tomorrow.

There a knock at his door. "Its open," Squall called. He half-hoped it would be Zell. When he had caught Selphie during the lunch break, she had said Sis was there with him.

"Squall, do you have time to talk?" a distinctly feminine voice asked.

"Sure, Rinoa. What do you want?" Squall forced himself to sit up correctly in the couch.

Rinoa came moved into the room away from the door. She started to sit on the couch next to Squall but changed her mind and sat in one of the chair on the other side of the small coffee table. She crossed her legs at the knee as she sat and folded her hands in her lap. She was dressed in a pale blue skirt and a white shirt.

"I wanted to... apologize for...leaving you like I did." Rinoa wasn't meeting his eyes.

That was unexpected. What was he supposed to say? That it was alright? He forgave her and was willing to be friends? Is that what someone did in these sort of situations? He supposed he wasn't angry, not any more. In a way, she had helped.

Squall guessed that his silence was making Rinoa uneasy. She shifted in her seat. "It was a mistake, to break up with you," Rinoa said. "It was stupid and ill-thought out. I- I wanted you to..." Rinoa took a deep breath. "You were supposed to come after me."

"What?"

Rinoa stood up and walked to behind the couch, pacing. Squall stood up as well, his eyes following her every movement. "What I said. I...miscalculated. I wanted you to realize how much you love me and come after me in a sweeping declaration of love."

"When have I ever done that?"

Rinoa stopped her pacing. "I know. And that's why I was stupid. So, I'm sorry. I made a mistake and I should have known you better than that."

"So what do you want now?"

Rinoa stopped pacing and looked at him. "What do I want ...now?"

"That's what I asked."

"I want to...have another chance. To make it up to you. Let's try again, Squall. Please."

For once in his life, Squall didn't have to think about his response. "No. If that's what you came for tonight, you can leave."

Rinoa opened her mouth. Then she closed it. She looked like she was about to cry. "I know. I'm asking a lot but..." she was cut off as a knock sounded on the door.

"Come in," Squall called.

Zell entered the room. He looked from Rinoa to Squall. "Am I interrupting anything?"

"Squall and I were j-just talking..." Rinoa said.

"She was just leaving, actually," Squall said.

Zell touched Rinoa on the shoulder. "How about you let me talk to him, huh Rin?" he asked softly. Squall raised an eyebrow. Rinoa nodded and almost fled the room. Once the door was closed behind her, Zell turned to Squall. "She's a manipulative bitch. What'd she want, Squall?"

Squall's throat suddenly felt very, very dry. "You have your memories back."

Zell shrugged. "Some of them. The important ones." He gave Squall a rather intense look. "Hey, I'm starving. Forgot to get dinner. You wanna head to the cafeteria with me?"

Squall nodded. He wasn't exactly hungry anymore. Even if food were placed in front of him, he didn't think he could actually swallow it.

"You alright?" Zell asked, suddenly standing far too close. Squall nodded again. "You're just being really quiet, Squall."

"I-" Squall didn't get to finish what he was going to say as Zell's mouth closed over his own. He closed his eyes and leaned into the kiss, opening his mouth a little. Zell responded by bringing his hands up to pull Squall close and deepening the kiss. Squall moaned a little when Zell's tongue entered his mouth. After several long moments, Zell pulled away, leaving a hand on Squall's arm..

"You were saying something?" he asked. There was a smile dancing around his eyes.

"I don't remember," Squall said.

"Dinner?" Zell asked. "I really am starving."

"Yeah," Squall said. He pulled away from Zell and walked over to his phone. "But I think we should enjoy the perks of being the Commander." Squall felt Zell's eyes on him as he picked up the phone, called the cafeteria, and ordered two dinners sent to his room.

"You lucky bastard," Zell said. He flopped down in the couch and motioned for Squall to come sit next to him. "So, now that we got the hard part out of the way, what the hell did Rinoa want?"

"That was the hard part?" Squall asked. He went to sit next to Zell.

"Well, yeah." Zell grinned and leaned over to kiss Squall again. He pulled away. "See, much easier the second time."

"Its never just that easy."

"Sure, it can be. You'll see."

It was never that easy with Rinoa but this wasn't Rinoa, it was Zell and that made all the difference in the world. He pulled Zell in for another kiss and another. When the knock came for the dinners Squall had ordered, neither of them moved to answer the door.

A/N: And yes, that is about as smutty as I can handle because I simply cannot write anything more graphic. A third apology for this chapter is in order.