A New World Full of Strangers

Disclaimer: All the characters in the story are the property of Stephanie Meyer. I have borrowed them for my entertainment and (hopefully) your reading pleasure. I make no profit from their use.

Chapter 12: Ambivalence

I race towards the cliffs overlooking the Pacific, turning over Sam's words in my mind. He is being fair. In fact, he is being more than fair. There is only one word to describe Sam, noble. That's probably the most compelling reason why he should be chief or council leader instead of me. I may have all the genetic components to be the tribe's chief, but no one will ever call me noble. Sam lives the values that make for a great chief.

I suppose that this is really the answer that I want. I want to believe that Sam is the better man, or wolf, for the job and that will leave me to go and live my own life away from the Rez. I wanted him to say that to me. I wanted him to tell me that he was the better guy for the job. But he didn't, and in its own way, that kind of sucks.

I am still dissatisfied with what he is saying, because he is refusing to tell me what to do, just like Paul, Quil, and Jared. Only in some ways, he has made the choice harder by being just so damn . . . decent about it. I wonder how pissed off that Billy is going to be when Sam and Quil suggest that I take a year to figure it out. I don't even have to phase to know that Quil is going to agree with Sam.

And then there's Sue. She's really the swing vote. Dad is determined to force me to make a choice, kind of, you know, crap or get off the pot. But Sue probably won't feel that anxious to get a decision out of me. As long as allowing Renesmee to live here is not on the table as an option, she probably won't care. I have to wonder how much of a difference to her it will make whether Sam or I is the leader.

Once upon a time, when it looked like she and my Dad might get together, I know that she would have been on his side. But when she chose Charlie, the pale face, over him that really pissed him off. Charlie was okay to have as a best friend, but not as a husband for a Council Elder. Of course that was when Old Quil was still alive. Old Quil was old school and was ready to kick her off the council for sure.

They wanted Seth to take her place, but good old Seth wouldn't do it. Edward told me once that Seth had one of the kindest, purest minds that he had ever read. He would not take the position from his mother as long as she wanted it. At least he said it nicely. When they asked Leah, she told them to go screw themselves. It was one of the few times that I enjoyed Leah's nastiness.

But even now, when I have already more than halfway talked myself into it, I wonder if I can stay away for a whole year. Of course, it doesn't have to be a year. I can just tell the Cullens that I'm coming up for a visit, you know, just to make sure that Renesmee is safe and happy. It wouldn't bother them if I left after a few days or weeks or months. They probably wouldn't care if I stayed for the whole year, especially if it kept Renesmee happy.

So what would I do when I was up there? I know that she will be going to school. She may even be making a few little friends of her own, provided that the full vamps don't scare the crap out of the kids first. From what I heard, when they were at Forks High School, no one would go near them. Of course, Renesmee would be going to a different school.

I reach the cliff and look out over the endless ocean. The clouds are hanging low, but I can still see all the out to the horizon. It is late summer but the wind is blowing cool. It feels good as it ruffles through my fur. I lift up my nose and enjoy the clean, salty scent of the sea.

One thing that I haven't missed since the Cullens left is the vampire stink. I had been breathing it in for seven years, and I had almost forgotten what it was like to have it completely cleared from my nasal passages and live without the constant cloyingly sweet, cold odor burning my sinuses. I lived with the discomfort for Renesmee's sake.

After talking with Sam, I almost could doubt that I had even imprinted on her. How could I not feel as intensely for her as my brother wolves do for their imprints? But if I had not truly imprinted, since Edward can read all of our minds, he would have been the first person to point it out to me. Yet even as he was challenging my right to keep his daughter close to me, he never tried to deny my bond with her.

Not that it has ever pleased him. I suppose that I was lucky that he was worried about Bella for the first couple of days after she was born. I was lucky that he told Carlisle to handle it while he took care of his wife. Considering that he just could have let Rosalie, or Emmett who would do anything for her, kill me, I'm lucky that he decided to be decent about it.

Unlike the others, he was actually grateful that while he was away, I had helped Edward save his wife and child. Okay, I ditched him pretty quickly when I followed Renesmee downstairs, but I was there for the important part. I kept her heart going until he got the venom in.

And if it weren't for me ditching my pack that first night, they would have attacked the house and killed Bella and some of the others. And without Seth, Leah, and I on guard, who knows what could have happened? We even ran patrols so that they could hunt and get supplies. And then I invoked my birthright so hat Edward could change her without a war starting.

Why can't they see that if it weren't for me, there wouldn't even be a Renesmee or a Bella today? But I suppose that my beef with the Cullens is over. It's not about them anymore. It's the Quileutes that are tearing me apart. Even if I could convince the Cullens to let Renesmee come with me if she wants when she is old enough, we are not free to come to La Push and live with our family.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. Between Renesmee's birth and the news that the Volturi were coming to get them, the Cullens and my pack were like one big, happy family. Okay, I admit it, it was kind of a one-sided family. We were welcome to go and go as we please from their house, but they still couldn't come on Quileute land.

And then when the Volturi came, we all stood together. Edward said that we (wolves) were a key part of the reason that the Volturi left us alone. They were scared of Bella's shield more than us, but still, thanks to us, they were the ones who left with their tails between their legs.

I guess that I kind of knew that things weren't so great for the Cullens in the years that followed. But I have to admit that when Blondie and the other three started traveling, I was pretty happy. Fewer of them meant more time with Renesmee for me. Of course, Edward and Bella never went anywhere, or Carlisle and Esme.

But then, Esme didn't want us to hang out in the house all of time. I guess that we did take advantage of the free food and the widescreen TV. And none of us were very good about cleaning up after ourselves. And of course, we didn't smell any better to them than they did to us. Esme was polite about it, but Edward once asked me if I would want to live with vampire stink in my house all day. I could see the point.

But Bella and Edward didn't want me in their house either. Okay, it was a small house. There wouldn't have been a room for me to go by myself. And I could see how the newlyweds would want their privacy. I would run around the house at night and sometimes I couldn't stand to be too close. I never realized how much vampires could go at it or for how long.

Then when Carlisle had to quit his job at the hospital because of the rumors about all kinds of crazy plastic surgery, even I could see that it made him unhappy. And I knew from living in such close proximity with them that they had always solved these problems by moving.

If I hadn't been so caught up in myself, then maybe I would have seen the signs earlier and it wouldn't have been such a shock when they decided to leave. And now that I can look at it with a clearer head, I should have known that they would never leave Renesmee behind. I wasn't the only one who was totally in love with her.

There were times when the whole family, all eight of them, were together, when Renesmee would play a new piano piece that she had learned. Every single one of them was just as captivated as I was with her grace, beauty, and talent. There were so many ways that their world revolved around her. But I couldn't see it because I was blinded by the fact that my world was all about her.

Bella told me a few years later how pissed off she was at me after she found out that I had imprinted. She was afraid that I was going to try and steal her child or something. I'm lucky that Edward was able to read my mind (one of the few times that I was) and tell her not to worry about that. But I know that I was still kind of a jerk about letting her near her.

I guess that when I started yelling at them about Renesmee staying with me, that I really didn't have my head screwed on straight. What would have happened if I had showed up on my father's doorstep with her? Would he have kicked us both out? Would he have called a Council meeting and chased us off the land? How bad would that have been for Renesmee?

It would have been bad. I mean, I know that I could have gone to Charlie, but he would have wanted to send her back to Bella right away. He knows what it's like to be separated from your kid. Bella's mother kept her away from him for sixteen years with only short visits once a year.

In fact, if there was all kinds of fighting and tension out on the Rez, Renesmee would have begging crying for her Momma and Daddy anyway. Charlie would have taken her up himself. No, I can see it now. He would have been on their side for sure.

But now if I go up to Whitehorse, what can I even offer her? I would have to figure out a way of making a living. She's used to living in really nice houses, filled with music and artwork and all kinds of books that she has read that I never have. She's used to people teaching her things all the time. Crap, she knows more than I do.

The only thing that I can give her, only thing that I have to offer her is my undying love, devotion, and protection. I've been her best friend all of her life. But I can see how different things were with the three older girls who the guys imprinted. They were all done with school and ready to marry. It was all their choice. There was no need for any involvement of parents. I guess that Quil got lucky with Claire.

How many parents would just let their toddler go off and live on another reservation because some teenage werewolf had developed an attachment to their kid? And Quil didn't have to compete with a family of eight people who felt that they had an equal claim on the child, because they love her the way that she deserves them to, like she's the most important thing in the world.

Everything that I feel for Renesmee is good and pure. She's my little sister and then some. I'm the best friend that she is ever going to have. I'm always going to be there for her.

Yeah, right, Jacob. You sure blew that one! It wasn't like the Cullens were trying to escape fromyou or anything. They even told you where they were going and invited you to come along. And the invitation probably would have been much nicer if you hadn't been such an ass that you even scared Renesmee.

Suddenly, I can hear Quil in my head.

"Hey, Jake! We need to talk."

"No, we don't. Just get lost. I've got some thinking to do."

"Maybe it would be better if we both phased back. Then I wouldn't have to listen to all the crap that you're thinking right now unless you wanted me to hear."

His mind disappears and I know that he has phased back to human. Oh, what the hell! I might as well do this human.

"Hey, bro," he calls out from the woods. "I know that you don't want to talk about this, but I think that you will feel better if you do."

"Why is that?" I ask. "Are you going to tell me that I can bring Renesmee back to the Rez when she's old enough to decide for herself? Or do we have some wolfie pop psychology stuff to discuss?"

"I liked you a lot better before you had to face reality," he says. "You might have been living in a dream world, but at least you weren't so bitter."

"What do you mean living in a dream world?" I ask.

"Jake, you have never really taken a good hard look at the differences between the two of you," he says. "I mean, anyone with two eyes open could see that sooner or later there was going to be some kind of collision."

"Yeah," I say. "But I always figured that the collision would be with the bloodsuckers, not my own tribe."

"Man, listen to yourself," says Quil. "You still call them bloodsuckers and leeches when you get pissed at them. Have you ever thought about the fact that this is Renesmee's family. I mean they're supposed to be your family too."

"It's not like Blondie never calls me mongrel or dog," I reply.

"Yeah, well that's not right either," he says. "But every once in a while when you two get really steamed at each other, you call each other those names in front of her. I've watched her face when it happens and it makes her really upset. She loves you both and doesn't see the difference."

"But there is a difference," I say. "A big difference. But my problem right now isn't them. It's my own people."

"It's not really a problem unless you make it one," he says. "The Council gave you their position. Nobody is going to force you to stay. You can leave. But you can't bring Renesmee back."

"Well, I heard from Sam about how you two wimped out on me and wouldn't even let her live here," I reply. "Okay, you abstained. But in this case that was the same as a no."

"I know," he answers. "But I still couldn't vote against you. I just couldn't vote for you. I can see Billy and Sue's side too."

"And what is their side?" I say. "Other than the fact that they hate vampires."

"With good reason," he says. "But we won't go there. No, it's the part about how the tribe is literally fighting to save its life in the white man's country. They want to preserve our heritage for our children and keep what little we have left of our land. And we didn't have much to begin with.

"But it's not just our fight for survival. It's a fight that is going on all over North and South America by the native peoples who were here before ten Europeans came and stole everything from us. If you look at your situation as one isolated thing, then yeah Billy and Sue are prejudiced against Renesmee because of who she is. But in the larger scheme of things it's more about saving the Quileutes from extinction."

"How did you get to be so smart?" I ask.

"Well, I always kind of liked history in school," he answers. "When my grandpa died and I took his place on the Council, I started reading up about all this stuff. I mean, it's one thing to know the Quileute history and it's another to know the history of the Quileutes and other Native Americans in relation to White American history. It's not a pretty picture."

"Yeah, I remember hearing about that in school," I say. "And from Billy whenever he goes on one of his rants against how the white man is destroying the land."

"Bro, wake up and smell the coffee," he says. "The white man is destroying the land. Look at the way he pollutes the air, land, and seas with his garbage. He takes the timber out of the land and doesn't replace it. He hunts the animals until they are gone. He rips the minerals out of the soil and leaves a mess behind.

"At least our people have always tried to live on the land with some respect. We never hunted more than we could eat or cut down more trees than we needed. The whites just come and plunder everything until there's nothing left and then they move on."

"What does this have to do with me and Renesmee?" I ask.

"Have you ever heard of assimilation?" he asks.

"No, was that one of those things I that I never learned in high school?" I ask.

"Probably," he says. "What it means is that the white man is always trying to encourage us to give up our own culture and become a part of theirs. When our boys and girls go off the Rez to work and go to school, they see the better lives that the white people have.

"They have more money and more stuff. Then they meet other people, you know, whites, blacks, Asians, and they fall in love get married. And then their kids become a part of that other world.

"After a while, there aren't enough of us to keep the tribe going. I really hated it that Sue got all personal about Renesmee's . . . uh, biology, but I guess we have to think of these things. We talk about protecting future generations, but we also have to worry about there being future generations."

"Okay, Quil," I say. "You've given me your history lesson or whatever it was. Why don't you just get to the point?"

"I agree with Sam," he says. "You should take a trip up to Whitehorse. You can stay for as long as a year, but when you come back, you will have to say yes or no to the alpha/chief gig or whatever you want to call it. But unless you go, you'll always hate yourself."

"I'm going to hate myself anyway," I say. "There's no way that everyone's going to happy with my decision."

"Then worry about making yourself happy," he says. "If you decide to stay with Renesmee and it's not the right choice, sooner or later you're going to make her miserable. Right now, staying here with us, you're making us all miserable. Go and figure it out. Sam and I will support whatever choice you make."

"What about Dad and Sue?" I ask.

"I think that Sue will give you the year," he says. "And, well, your Dad is just going to have to live with your decision. He wouldn't be the first father to get pissed off at his son for the girl he loved."

"I guess that makes sense," I admit.

"You know it does," he says. "You picked a good spot to think about all of your stuff."

"What do you mean?"

"Well," he says. "When you stand up here and look out over the ocean, it makes you realize that La Push is just one small place. There's a big huge world out that keeps moving in to suck it up. But there are also a lot of cool places out there in the world.

"I know La Push is the only place that I'm ever going to want to live. Claire will grow up and we will get married and hopefully our kids will want to stay on the Rez with us. There are probably a lot of things in life that we're never going to have, but we don't need them. I'm just happy to be here with her and to spend my days figuring out how it makes her happy. I don't need anything other than La Push."

"It sounds like La Push has imprinted on you," I say sarcastically.

"Maybe it has," he says thoughtfully. "But if it has on you, it sure as hell isn't making you happy. Please, Jake, for all our sakes, let Sam and I talk Sue and Billy into the year deal."

I think about it. If I don't take the offer, then where will I be in a year? Probably even more miserable than I am now. If that's even possible.

"Yeah, Quil," I say. "You and Sam go to the others. You're right. I got to do this."

"Good," he says and turns to leave.

"Quil," I call after him. "How did you get to be so wise?"

"I think that I inherited it from my grandfather," he says with a smile and runs off.

I sit down, thinking how that was just so Quil. Quil has always been the good guy, the peacemaker. Who knows how much trouble I would have gotten in if he hadn't always been there to talk me out of my temper tantrums. In his way, Quil would make a good chief too.

But then there's me. I want this decision to be easy. But even my snarky remark about La Push imprinting on Quil is just as much about me as it is about him. It hurts to even think about leaving here for a year. And I know exactly how Sam and Quil feel about wanting to hang onto every inch. There is a part of me that wants to stay here and fight that fight. But what good am I to the tribe if I'm mooning over Renesmee all the time?

I guess that I know what I have to do. I have to leave and see if I can really stay away. I recognize now that the choice is mine and I'm going to have to figure it out for myself. But I also know that I am not going to find the answer in La Push. I have to know if I can live without my people and my land. I need to know if I can spend my life in a world full of strangers.

I like how peaceful it is out here. I think that I'm going to sit here for a while before I go home and have the battle of the century with my Dad. But this is something that I have to do, for me.

Author's note: The chapters where Jacob is trying to sort out his identity in the context of his culture are not intended to imply racism or prejudice on the part of the Quileutes. The relationship between Native Americans and other American races are complex.

The character of Jacob that I am trying to develop is one of a man caught in a dilemma. And it is a dilemma that has faced many men and women throughout out the centuries. His culture is at odds with his imprint (as she is in this story, she is too young to be a romantic interest).

And as he is growing and evolving as a person, he is beginning to realize that things are not so simple as he thought they were. The fact that he is beginning to see things from the other perspective (at least that of the Cullens) is a huge step forward for him.

Will he and Renesmee end up together in the end? Even I don't know. I prefer to let the story tell itself.