Chapter 12!
Over 150 reviews! Hoorah! You guys all rock, seriously. If it weren't for you, this fic would have only been 4 chapters long. Thanks all.
This chapter was going to be slightly different, but after reading Darksaber Naco's comment on how Sakura was getting off lite, I just couldn't let that slide. So yes, Sakura gets bitten by the insanity bug in this chappie.
On to battle!
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The group of four walked down the street. Everyone had eventually convinced Sasuke to call himself Sasuke and re-straighten his hair, but he absolutely refused to take off the skirt or skins. Kakashi sighed.
"I can't believe I lost my cool. It took me years to build up a rep, and then you go and ruin it. I hate you Sasuke."
"Now now eternal rival, perhaps we can be of assistance! We'll help you get your cool back!" Gai said, striking the nice guy pose.
"Really? You guys would do that for me?"
Sakura nodded, and Sasuke shrugged. Nothing better to do.
"Okay! Step one." Sakura said.
Later...
Izumo and Kotetsu were enjoying some sodas, when they heard some jingling. Curious, they turned around to see Kakashi.
"Yo yo my homies, what is up in da house?"
Kakashi was wearing a loose tank top, and his pants were down around his knees. He was wearing about 50 pounds of gold necklaces.
"Kakashi, what in gods name are you doing?" Kotetsu asked.
"I'm just chillin wit da playas in Konoha."
"Kakashi, stop it. I thought you were cool." Izumo huffed.
"But isn't this cool? I thought this was all the rage with kids these days."
"No, only cracked up idiots act that way. Believe me, it's not cool."
"But I've got a giant watch necklace..."
"Just go."
Kakashi left in shame. Well, not too much shame. Cool people don't show shame.
"How did it go?" Sakura asked.
"You're a stupid idiot." Kakashi muttered, and threw all the necklaces at Sakura, almost crushing her.
"IT'S TIME FOR GAI'S SPECIAL COOLNESS TECHNIQUE!" Gai shouted.
Later...
Kakashi stood on the platform, looking at the thin rope swaying in front of him. Below this rope was a vat of bubbling green acid.
"Gai, this isn't cool, it's just dangerous."
"Of course it's cool!" Gai whined, shoving the unicycle into Kakashi's hands. "I respect any man who can cross a vat of acid on a unicycle."
Kakashi sighed again and hopped on the unicycle. He slowly started his way across.
"Just put your hands in your pockets! That will look cool!' Sakura shouted, leaning over the railing. Sasuke was standing just behind her. He began to think...
"You know, I really don't like Sakura. She has pink hair. I wish I had pink hair. Stupid pink hair hogging witch. And her forehead, it's just so...big...if I wrote something on it, people would be like 'hey, there's something on that girls forehead. Better go read it.' yeah, that's what they'd say. And she's so annoying! She's always like 'Sasuke! Sasuke!' She's almost as bad as that ino chick. Although she hasn't bothered me lately. I wonder what happened to her? Boy, this skirt gives a good breeze 'round the junk. Oh yeah, back to Sakura. She's so weak! She couldn't even handle herself in the Forest of Death! Pansy. I'm so much better than she is. Sakura is a blemish on this good earth. In fact...
"I'm just gonna put an end to this." Sasuke said.
"Did you say something Sasuke?" Sakura began.
Sasuke then pushed her into the vat of acid. (Ploosh!)
"DO NOT WORRY SAKURA! I SHALL RESCUE YOU WITH THE POWER OF THE MAITO BLOODLINE LIMIT!" Gai shouted.
"You have a bloodline trait?" Sasuke wondered.
"Why yes, I do! It all goes back to my great great grandfather, Ponce de le Maito ..."
FLASHBACK! With narration by Gai.
A proud figure emerges from the jungle growth. He looks just like Gai, except with a small moustache and a pith helmet.
"Ponce was an explorer. He was alive back in the days when men were men..."
Ponce punches a snake in the face, shouting WAAACHOOOO!
"Women were women..."
An attractive woman emerges from the trees, only to be snatched away from someone who looks suspiciously like Kakashi.
"And deadly funnel web spiders were still deadly."
Bruce pulls a nasty looking spider out of his boot, and starts turning a pale shade of olive.
"In his haste to find a nearby pharmaceutical facility, Ponce fell into a pond."
Ponce stumbles into a pond, getting water everywhere.
"It turned out that the pond was the legendary fountain of youth! He drank some, and it gave his blood the power of youth!"
"So that cured him of the spider's poison?" Sasuke asked
"No, that still got him. He just had sex with a nurse at the hospital before he died."
"Oh."
"She wasn't too happy when she found out she was pregnant."
"I see."
Meanwhile, Sakura is still floundering in the acid.
"So what exactly does your limit do?"
"It gives me the power of youth! I cannot perish of old age."
"So why aren't there more Maito's running around?"
'Well, my family isn't exactly popular. Most of us have been beaten to death by angry mobs."
"Ouch. I know how it feels Gai."
"WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME?" Sakura gasped.
"Oops, sorry." Gai said, realizing he'd forgotten all about her in his very youthful flashback.
Gai pulled Sakura out of the acid. Her hair had turned a bright green color, and her skin was now chalk white. But the worst part was her face. Some chemical in the acid had turned her mouth into a constant, hideous smile.
"Oh god!" Gai proclaimed. Sasuke chuckled.
"What, what's wrong?" Sakura asked. Sasuke handed her his personal mirror. Sakura gazed at herself for a moment, then smashed the mirror on the ground.
"Hey!" Sasuke said.
Sakura pulled a kunai out of her bag. She laughed maniacally, and ran into the center of town, laughing her head off.
On the other side of the vat, Kakashi was very proud of himself. He'd gotten his cool back! He glanced over to the other side to see Sasuke and Gai watching Sakura instead of him.
"What are you doing!" he yelled, then kicked himself. Yelling was not cool! Now he had to start all over again. Damn Sakura.
'Here we are, Naruto-kun!" Hinata smiled, dragging Naruto into the restaurant. Naruto read the sign.
"L'ane du Porc?" Naruto wondered.
"It's the best French restaurant in town!" Hinata squealed, and ran up to the waiter.
"A romantic dinner for two, please." she ordered. The waiter quickly got the table set up outside. The evening was getting dark, and candles were lit for the effect. Naruto had to admit, it did look nice. Hinata was eyeing at him from across the table. Naruto tried to ignore her and read his menu. But, his train of meaty thoughts kept being interrupted by Shino serenading Ino just behind him.
"Oh Naruto, isn't this romantic?" Hinata asked, batting her eyelashes.
"Err, sure. Do you know what Foie Gras is? Sounds like the fake grass you put in Easter baskets. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's what it is! Damn French, with their freaky grass eating culture."
"Will you sing for me Naruto?" Hinata asked.
"Look, I'm not like Shino. I'm a horrible singer! Hey, wait a minute..."
Naruto turned to Shino, who was down on one knee and singing Angel of Music.
"When did you get so good at singing?"
"My father makes me take lessons."
"Bummer."
Shino adjusted his glasses. "I actually enjoy it, thank you. It helped me win the heart of my lady fair..."
"Oh Shino you charmer you." Ino smiled. "It's going to be so much fun when we tie the knot."
Hinata, who was getting angry about being ignored, perked up.
"You two are getting married?"
"Yep." they both pipped.
Hinata turned to Naruto, clasping her hands and her eyes wide.
"Lets get married Naruto-kun!"
"Hinata, for the millionth time, I don't wanna get married! I don't really want to have sex with you either!"
"Come to me Naruto!" Hinata shouted, and started viciously attacking Naruto with her tongue. Naruto writhed on the ground, trying to get this menace off him.
"Why don't you two get married right after ours? I'm sure the priest wouldn't mind." Ino suggested. Hinata popped up for a moment.
"Okay then! When is it?"
"Tomorrow at ten. See you there!" Shino stated, and saw his fiancee to the door. Hinata resumed her savage assault.
"NOT THE PANTS!"
Kakashi sat in a clearing, and sighed. He could never get his cool back now...
"It's just so hopeless..." he mused.
Just then, the heavens opened up, and three ghosts came down from the sky. Kakashi was mildly shocked. The first apparition approached him.
"Hey Kakashi. We've come to help you get your cool back."
Kakashi put his hand on his chin, and thought.
"I sorta remember you...you were that guy on the bridge...started with a z...Zack? I wanna say Zack. It's Zack isn't it?"
"I'm Zabuza you ninny!" the Zabuza ghost spat.
"Oh yeah. So why are you here?"
"I just wanted to say, you can get your cool back Kakashi! If you weren't cool in the first place, you could have never beaten me! Honestly, I've got a seatbelt strapped around my head! How awesome is that? So don't give up Kakashi. I believe, and so should you."
"That was quite the speech." Kakashi yawned. He turned to the second ghost.
"So what do you want?"
Haku's ghost just shrugged.
"I just felt like giving you a bad conscious. I was just a kid when you killed me. I had my whole life ahead of me. I could have been a doctor, or a lawyer, or presisdent..."
"Okay, I get it. Sorry." Kakashi said, shooing away the pesky spirit. He turned to the last hooded figure. "Let me guess, the ghost of Christmas future?"
The figure glided forward and removed the hood.
"Whoopi Goldberg!" Kakashi said, surprised.
"That's right, and here to help you get your cool back, again!"
"But your not dead!"
"That's what you think."
"But I just saw you on Hollywood Squares!" Kakashi said, bewildered.
"Naw, that's just my animated corpse. Tom Bergeron is actually a voodoo shaman. But enough of that, it's time for a coolness training montage!"
Feel free to hum Eye of the Tiger while reading this part
A montage of Kakashi doing cool things, like putting his hands in his pockets, loitering under No Loitering signs, reading Icha Icha Paradise, using the sharingan to hypnotize chicks and sleep with them, and kicking so much ass in fights.
'Thanks Whoopi! I've got my cool back, and it's all thinks to you."
"Please, call me Whoop. Bye bye!"
"I'll never forget you!" Kakashi sniffled as Whoopi ascended to the sky.
"Now I better go find out what happened to the others..."
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Yes! Done in record time. I don't know if that's the right way to spell Tom Bergeron's name, and I'm too lazy to check. Yes, Sakura has become the Joker. How silly! Thanks for reading, and please review!
P.S. If you wish to know what L'ane du porc means, go to Babelfish. It will be quite enlightening.
P.P.S. I have nothing against the French. They are actually quite cool.
