The Human Guidebook

"Brilliant! I've done it!" Alex looked up from her breakfast.

"What was that?"

"Sounds like Wheeljack, he must've invented something, he has been in his lab for the past few days."

"Wanna check it out?"

"Eh? Why not?" Charlie and Alex left their room and went to locate Wheeljack. It had been a few days since they had returned from Blackfire's base, Sam and Bumblebee had returned to Tranquility and now the girls were by themselves again. When they went into Wheeljack's lab they were greeted by a sight they would never have expected.

"Holy shit!" Both girls covered their eyes, in front of them was a tall mid thirties male with blue eyes and brown hair, this wouldn't have surprised Charlie and Alex that much it was the fact that the man was completely naked that got them. The man walked over to Charlie and grabbed her hands.

"Charlie I've done it!" Charlie opened her eyes and looked at the man, being careful to keep her eyes on his face.

"Who are you, and why are you naked in a secret autobot base, and how do you know my name?"

"Charlie it's me, Wheeljack."

"Really?" Charlie asked skeptically. She may be gullible but there was no way in hell she was falling for this one. Wheeljack was a twenty something foot robot, this was a naked guy holding her hand.

"Yes, I used Hound's hologram technology and tweaked it and now I can make solid holoforms!" Charlie started inching towards the door taking her hands back.

"You can't make light solid, you're naked and I'm gonna go find Ironhide now." She looked at Alex. "Run!" Both girls took off running, the man claiming to be Wheeljack started running after them.

"Wait stop! Its okay it's me!" The girls kept running before they crashed into something, they looked up and saw Ironhide. They ducked and hid behind his legs.

"Quick stop him!"

"What are you two doing? Stop who?"

"Him!" Charlie pointed to the naked man turning the corner.

"Intruder!" Ironhide started firing his canons at the man, blasting holes in the wall, and everywhere else.

"Ironhide stop! It's me!" Ironhide kept on firing at the intruder, despite his pleas.

"Girls get to safety, I'll stop him!" By this time the other autobots heard all the noise and came to investigate.

"Ironhide what's going on here?"

"Optimus sir, I've found an intruder, he was attempting to kill the girls."

"No, I wasn't Optimus sir, it's me Wheeljack, here I can prove it." With that the man disappeared.

"Okay everyone else saw him disappear right?" Just then Wheeljack rounded the corner and stopped in front of everyone.

"See I told you."

"Wheeljack that doesn't prove anything you're just standing in front of us."

"No look." Wheeljack punched a button on a device he was holding and suddenly the man appeared again.

"Huh? What do you know?" The man disappeared again and Wheeljack started talking to Optimus.

"The other day I overheard Ratchet talking to Charlie, he wasn't able to help her leg because he was too bulky and I got the idea to make it easier for us to interact with them, see Ratchet now you can help Charlie with her cast. I used Hound's hologram technology and after several attempts I was able to make it solid." Alex spoke up then.

"No, no, no even if you could do that, and you really shouldn't be able to, then how the hell were you able to follow us, through the doors and walls, once again if you got these holograms working, they couldn't go through walls."

"No, no Alex its okay, science doesn't apply to these guys." The autobots looked down at Charlie.

"What do you mean science doesn't apply to us?"

"Well, for starters where does Prime's trailer go when he transforms, how can Astrotrain fit entire troops of decepticons in him when he is only ten feet taller then Optimus, if Nelly is Optimus' height then how did he transform into my Honda civic, and compact car mind you? Not to mention your all-spark was basically raw energy, but when it was destroyed you couldn't rebuild Cybertron, but energy can not be created or destroyed." They kept staring at Charlie. "You know, thermodynamics? First and second laws of thermodynamics? But you guys say it's gone forever and it shouldn't be, it should just be somewhere else." Everyone kept staring at her. "What did you think I was stupid? Well most of the time I'm not, I just have no common sense there is a difference." They kept staring at her, suddenly…

"So Wheeljack tell us how this works." She sighed as they turned back to Wheeljack, and Alex shrugged.

"Maybe they don't know what thermodynamics is." But Wheeljack kept demonstrating his holoform and the girls kept jumping because the naked man kept appearing. Alex finally couldn't take it anymore.

"OKAY! First of all, humans don't walk around naked, you need clothes, and second, you can't have one of a real person, someone will notice." The holoform disappeared and Wheeljack rubbed his chin in thought.

"Clothes, yes……and an original human form, ah yes, I know….brilliant!" With that he raced back to his lab and everyone blinked. The girls moved carefully in between the autobots feet and started back to their rooms when they were both grabbed from behind.

"What the hell!" Sideswipe grinned at the two of them and began carrying them to the door, Sunstreaker following.

"Hey, let's go do something fun, ummm, something, uhhh, let's go for a drive!" The girls glared at him.

"Don't sneak up on us like that!"

"Yeah."

"Okay, fine, sorry." He handed the girls over to Sunstreaker and then transformed, Sunstreaker set them down and then did the same, the girls climbed into Sideswipe. Sunstreaker called out to Alex.

"Hey! What's the deal? I'm your guardian, ride with me."

"Um, no." Alex closed Sideswipe's door and told him to go. Sunstreaker's voice came over the radio.

"That's not how it works, I'm your guardian, so you ride with me." Alex crossed her arms over her red paisley shirt and shook her head.

"No, I want to ride with Charlie in Sideswipe." Sunstreaker growled and pulled ahead of Sideswipe, blocking him.

"Get in now."

"No!" Charlie huffed and got out and walked over to Sunstreaker and opened his door.

"See Alex, he's not going to do anything, watch." She got in him and closed the door, then opened it again. Sunstreaker humored her. But Alex was not convinced. Charlie sighed, seeing the stubborn look on her face, and got back into Sunstreaker.

"That's it, we'll switch. I'll ride with Sunstreaker, you ride with Sideswipe, we can switch on the way back." Both Alex and Sunstreaker grumbled and they took off.

"Thundercracker behind you!" Thundercracker barrel rolled out of the way of a blast, he transformed and turned around firing on Mixmaster. Starscream growled and charged Soundwave, who had just shot Thrust from the sky.

"You slagger, you'll pay for this! How the hell did you find us?!" Soundwave flipped as he dodged Starscream and shot a rocket at him, it clipped it him.

"Starscream failure: base easily detected."

"Yeah Screamer you might as well had neon lights on your base, it was so easy to find."

"Shut up Rumble!" Starscream fired his null rays at the two of them. They dodged and Scavenger came up from behind them, Starscream shot him off a cliff and turned back to Soundwave, whose shot hit in right in the chest. He staggered backward to try to get his bearing, but Soundwave kicked him down and put a foot on his chest.

"You------" But at that moment a large explosion sounded above them and both of them looked up to see a large human passenger jet with a smoking engine coming straight for them. Soundwave leapt up and flew off, followed by the rest of his team, and Thundercracker pulled him out of the way just in time.

\"I didn't see it, I was trying to get Laserbeak, that slagger----" Starscream shoved him and they flew off.

"It doesn't matter, the place will be crawling with fleshlings now, we must go back underground it seems.

"Awww, I hate those damn caves." Starscream jostled Skywarp and flew higher; Soundwave was nowhere to be seen.

"Shut up! It looks like Soundwave has fled, the coward. But rest assured, I will see him scrapped, sooner rather than later….."

"You know we've left them outside for like two hours, we never left Jazz alone for that long."

"Don't care. Oh look at these boots." After realizing they couldn't think of anything to do with the twins, Alex and Charlie had them take them to the mall and left them in the parking lot and went shopping.

"You really don't like them do you. Those are hot."

"I don't mind Sideswipe, I mind Sunstreaker."

"He's not that bad, he is like the most arrogant person I've ever met, but I think he feels really bad that he ran us off, I think they both do." But Alex didn't answer and Charlie knew it would take more than that for her to forgive him.

"You know, you're a bit alike….." But at Alex's horrified and indignant look she shut up. "Yeah okay, nevermind." They gathered their purchases, grabbed lattes from Starbucks, and headed back out into the parking lot. It was a warm sunny day, just after five, and just as well, as the twins were nowhere to be seen. They blinked and looked at each other.

"I think they ditched us." Alex sat down on a bench and fixed her sandals and her shorts, and put on her sunglasses. Charlie was still standing staring at the parking lot in disbelief.

"But, damn, I guess we did leave them here too long. They're probably just going around the block." Charlie sat down next to her and pulled her purple t-shirt down to cover her back. Her jeans and black flip flops looking beat up compared to Alex's sandals and bare legs.

"Yeah okay. They totally ditched us. Try calling them." Charlie brightened and dug around in her big silver purse trying to find her cell phone. She pulled it out and dialed the twin's private channel, luckily Wheeljack made hem both new cell phones after she told him that she lost theirs.

"Sideswipe, is that you? You're gone!"

"You guys didn't come back out, we got bored."

"Sorry, well, we're ready to go now."

"Right, we'll be there soon." Charlie snapped her cell phone shut and turned to Alex, who was lounging next to her looking for all the world like she owned the place. She sighed. She really was more like Sunstreaker than she was willing to admit.

"They're on their way." But Alex didn't answer. She was too busy glaring at a group of people milling not too far from them, closer to the mall doors, and they were shooting them scathing glances and giggling. There were mostly girls, with a few preppy boys mixed in. Charlie glared too. She wouldn't forget the shit they had to deal with in high school from all the jocks and preps for not being just like them. They didn't have a clique, there was just a rag tag little group of friends that didn't fit anywhere else. Well, Charlie thought, they don't have robot best friends now do they? Show's them that nothing good comes from being bitchy preps.

"Hey, what are you two doing here? Don't you have a freak convention to go to?"

"No we went to that last week, this week its blow jobs for dummies, so you already have your tickets right or are you the one teaching it?"

"Why you?!" The girl who had spoken to Charlie was now sputtering indignantly.

"Get lost you stupid slutty bitches." Alex took a threatening step toward them, confident the tiny prep would freak, but before she could say another word, a loud screech was heard, and two Lamborghinis skidded into view. They weaved in and out of other cars and drifted around the corner, skidding to a stop in front of Alex and Charlie. The group of preps gaped and Charlie smirked.

"Well, looks like our rides are here. And just in time too, I was getting sick of staring at your ugly ass faces." She saluted them and got into Sideswipe. Sunstreaker's door opened, and Alex paused for a second, still glaring at the preps, before huffing and turning up her nose. She stepped gracefully into Sunstreaker and the door slammed and the two lambos zoomed out of the parking lot, cars swerving left and right to avoid them.

"What the heck were you guys doing, it looked like you were going to attack that girl." Alex crossed her arms.

"Just some people we used to know." Sunstreaker didn't say anything. She was very tense, he buckled his seatbelt around her and she jumped.

"Hey!"

"Safety first." She snorted.

"Yeah whatever." Charlie's voice was suddenly heard through the radio.

"Race you back to the base! Go!" Sideswipe gunned it and took off, leaving Sunstreaker and Alex in a cloud of dust.

"Oh damn it Charlie! Hit it we can't let her win!"

"Slagging right we aren't." Sunstreaker hit the gas and was quickly catching up with Sideswipe. They swerved onto the interstate and weaved through the lanes. Alex jumped and pointed.

"There, exit there, I think there's a short-cut!" Sunstreaker swerved and almost hit a blue SUV and shot down the exit ramp and barreled down the road. "Quick, use your GPS! I know Charlie won't think to check!"

"You're right! Ha, they're eating dust already!" They passed a blue Cadillac driven by an old couple and skidded onto a dirt road. Charlie's voice was heard over the radio.

"Where the hell are you guys? Take a detour Alex?" She asked tauntingly. Alex laughed.

"No, we're just so far ahead of you, you can't even see our dust trail anymore."

"Ha you wish. See you at the base Sides and I will be waiting." Charlie cut off the radio transmission, leaving Alex and Sunstreaker in silence.

"Oh she is going to eat those words, come on Sunny pedal to the metal, we're only a few miles from the base."

"Right." Sunstreaker flew around a turn and the base came into sight.

"Alright! We are so going to kick her ass." Sunstreaker went even faster then skidded to a halt right in front of the base, moments later Sideswipe came cruising down the road and stopped beside Sunstreaker, Charlie and Alex got out of their perspective rides, who transformed.

"Boo-yeah! Take that! I beat you!" Alex started doing a victory dance. "High five!" She held her hand up for Sunstreaker to hit, he looked up high five on the internet and then held out his finger meeting Alex's hand. "Sweet driving Sunny we kicked their asses!"

"Well I am the fastest, prettiest, and all over greatest thing in existence." Charlie scowled.

"Yeah, well, just wait till next time!" She shook her fist at them, Sideswipe copying her, and they went inside the base. Sunstreaker and Alex were both still engaging in victory cheers, Alex raised her hand for another high five when she realized she was getting along with Sunstreaker, not only that they high fived and she used his nick name. She suspiciously glared at Sunstreaker.

"Oh you're good." Alex walked into the base, glaring at Sunstreaker over her shoulder. Sunstreaker was confused.

"What just happened?" Sunstreaker stalked into the base trying to figure out what was up with his charge. "Hey come back!"

After Charlie put her things away she walked back out to Sideswipe, and he put her on his shoulder.

"So Red what do you want to do?"

"Well we could—be right there—sorry kid I just got called on patrol."

"No problem. Have fun." Sideswipe set her down and walked away, Charlie sighed, she didn't want to go back to her room just yet, she didn't have anything to do and decided to go find one of the 'bots, maybe Jazz or Hound were free. Charlie walked around trying to find someone.

"Charlie?" She looked around and spotted a man with light brown hair falling around his face, he had a five o'clock shadow and was wearing a white jacket with a red and green design on it with slightly baggy blue carpenter jeans. He had bright blue eyes, he was six foot with a lithe build and was in his mid twenties.

"Hi?"

"Do you like it?" The man walked to Charlie and stood proudly.

"Wheeljack?"

"Yes, it's my new holoform model do you like it?" Charlie examined him more closely and started giggling. "What's the matter did I get something wrong?"

"No it's not that Jack, it's that you have a five o'clock shadow. I'm laughing cause I think it's funny that even in your holoform you would forget to shave, it seems like something you would forget to do." Wheeljack seemed disheartened.

"But I thought you liked men with facial hair? I heard you tell Alex that once." Charlie was stunned.

"You made your holoform have facial hair cause you thought I'd like it?" Wheeljack nodded, his holoform blushed, and Charlie was impressed with how much effort Wheeljack must have put in to it to make it so human like.

"Kind of."

"I love it." Charlie grabbed his hand and noticed how warm it was, she started walking with him to his lab. "Will you tell me more about your holoforms?" This seemed to make Wheeljack happy and he started leading her to his lab.

"Sure! See, after I copied Hound's holograms, I just had to make them solid using a molecular conversion beam I invented. Basically it's a matter transfer that consumes as much energy as shooting a plasma cannon, since you humans are so small. Next I just had to copy human body reactions, which I'm still working on. I mean, I haven't been able to copy your blood quite yet, but I made due with a data transfer that transports all the information, similar to human DNA." Charlie blinked, trying to keep up. Boy he sure was proud, and it was weird to be walking next to him. He was gesturing enthusiastically and she looked down to see he was leaving footprints. He really was smart.

"Then of course I had to make an original human form for myself. I found a fabulous web site that had information pertaining to human features relating to ones personality."

"Uhhh…" Wheeljack stopped at her confused expression.

"It compared build, skin color, texture, eye color, hair color, and other features to corresponding personality traits." Charlie ohed.

"Gotcha, I've been to a few of those myself." He beamed at her and they walked into his lab, where his mech form was. He was standing with blank optics, and it creeped Charlie out. Suddenly, his holoform vanished and his optics glowed blue once again. He leaned over and picked her up, placing her up on his work table.

"Still working out glitches. I'm still having trouble projecting through solid matter…." He looked at the door contemplatively. Just then Ratchet came through it.

"Ah here you are Charlie I need to check your cast."

"Just the person I was looking for!" Wheeljack exclaimed.

"Uh never mind I'll just come back." Ratchet started inching his way towards the door.

"No, no wait I have to make you a holoform, I've got it half done, but you have to decide on some of the details."

"That's alright Wheeljack, I'll be fine." Ratchet turned and went out the door, Wheeljack started chasing after him.

"No it's okay it hasn't exploded or anything. It's perfectly safe! Ratchet wait!" Charlie started laughing and jostled some of the tools, almost falling off the table. Ratchet came racing back in to check on her. Wheeljack appeared behind him.

"How'd you get back in here so fast?" But Ratchet was frowning at her cast, then looked at Wheeljack. He frowned and shook his head, looking from Charlie to Wheeljack. He sighed and lifted his head.

"Fine, I'll do it."

Some time later…

"I was strolling through the park one day in the merry, merry month of May. I was taken by surprise by a pair of lovely eyes, while I was strolling through the park one daaaaaaaaay! Ratcheeeeet!" Alex sang and danced her way into the med bay. "Ratchet I'm here you said I was supposed to stop by for a check up. Ratchet? Ratchet where are you?" Alex started looking around the med bay to see Ratchet slumped against the wall, his optics blank. She stared in horror to see Charlie sitting on the cot, and a man in a white doctor's coat bending over her leg. She snapped.

"Charlie Ratchet is offline! The base has been invaded, don't worry, I'll save you!!!" She ran and tackled the mysterious man, who yelped as they rolled onto the floor. She landed on top of him and stared in confusion. He had short light brown hair, blue eyes, and looked to be in his mid-thirties. He also looked utterly bewildered.

"Alex, what are you doing?" She gasped, he had Ratchet's voice!

"Wait, what's going on?" She scrambled to get off of him and ran over to Charlie, who gestured carelessly.

"That's Ratchet, Wheeljack invented holoforms so they can look like humans." Alex cringed and looked over at the man, who was brushing himself off. He walked over to her and she was surprised to see he was a good five inches taller than her.

"If you're finished, I need to finish fitting Charlie's new cast." Alex stood stock still, her eyes glazed over. Charlie sighed, she knew exactly what was going to happen. Ratchet got up to get more plaster when he bumped into Alex, who was grinning at him with her hands clasped.

"Ratchet, you're beautiful. Marry me!" She glomped him and he yelped.

"What are you talking about?"

"Ratchet darling we should have a June wedding, a June bride finds true happiness, but I know I'll be happy with you no matter when our wedding is!" Ratchet pulled Alex off him.

"What are you talking about? We are not getting married!"

"Oh Ratchet why must you deny our love? Think of the baby!" Alex started crying and Charlie patted her on the shoulder, she looked over at Ratchet.

"How could you just break her heart like that? What kind of father are you?"

"I'm—she's not—we're not---" Ratchet was having a hard time forming words. "We are not getting married and she is not pregnant!" It was at that moment Optimus Prime entered the med bay followed by Jazz and Bluestreak. They all stopped in shock at his words. They looked to the holoform Ratchet, to Alex, who was crying.

"Ratchet! What do you think you're doing? Why didn't you say anything?" Alex blubbered louder and Charlie patted her on the back. Jazz was looking back and forth from Alex to Ratchet.

"Damn Ratchet, I hope you're gonna pay childcare." He looked gray, if that was even possible, and was mouthing wordlessly as he backed up against the wall.

"Ratchet I'm surprised by you, you were always one of my most responsible warriors, and now I've learned you're running out on a young lady carrying your child." Optimus looked done at Alex. "Don't worry Alex I'll make sure you and the baby have the best possible care. You can live here at the base, I'll have Wheeljack baby proof everything, I'm sure he'll even build you a cradle."

"Oh thank you Optimus, but I'm not sure I can live here and spend every day with the man who broke my heart." Alex sobbed, pulling a tissue out of nowhere. Bluestreak raced out of the room and Jazz tutted. Ratchet finally turned red and walked over to his mech form. Charlie and Alex ran out the door, leaving Ratchet alone with the other autobots. Jazz followed them and picked both of them up. Charlie immediately started laughing.

"I see why the twins mess with Ratch its fun!"

"Be serious Charlie who will help me take care of little Tina or Timmy now?" Alex mock sobbed.

"Oh don't worry Alex, Hound seems like he would be good with kids, maybe he'll help you raise the baby."

"Yeah don't worry lil lady I'll help too."

"Oh thank you Jazz, I always have depended on the kindness of strangers." Alex clasped her hands and put them next to her head, and then batted her eyelashes at Jazz. He laughed and they headed to the human quarters. Bluestreak peaked around the corner with wide eyes. Ratchet managed to impregnate an organic femme? Dear god! He had to tell everyone, no matter that he just heard Alex loudly proclaiming she had to do that more often because she liked teasing Ratchet. He raced down the hallway to the rec room, almost tripping over an invisible Mirage, who became visible, looking incredibly disturbed.

"Mirage! Have you heard? Ratchet impregnated Alex and now he refuses to marry her! She's been crying and saying she'll have to leave the base, because she can't bear to be around Ratchet after he broke her heart. I have to go tell Hound!" Bluestreak raced off to find Hound and tell him what happened, and anyone else he met. Mirage stood exactly where he was, not moving staring at the wall.

"He what?!"