Chapter 12: Rules of the Dwelling in Which We Reside
Where we last left off, Greendale's library staff finally caught on that they had an unwelcome overnight guest and chased him out with threats of calling the authorities.
Pierce has sought comfort in Jeff and Annie's home. His company is on the verge of bankruptcy and his inheritance is quickly dwindling.
He came to Jeff and Annie's a desperate man, hoping that all his past indiscretions would not be held against him. And although Jeff wanted to put him back on the streets, Annie's quiet plea to help out a friend in need did not fall on deaf ears.
Instead, Chang and Annie convince Jeff that's it's the most humane thing to do and Jeff begrudgingly obliges. He and Oscar share mirrored looks of concern, but in the end, Annie rules the nest and Pierce is invited to stay, the night, the week, however much time he needs to get back on his feet. She makes it clear to Pierce that this is a temporary situation and all involved will cooperate and make the necessary adjustments needed for this bizarre arrangement to work. One of the criteria agreed upon by all, is that Pierce will take the couch, seeing as Annie and Jeff already occupy the main bedroom and Chang lives in the tiny closet turned bedroom. Annie compiles a neat and tidy schedule for bathroom use, mainly for showers and personal grooming time. The stipulations and rations were agreed upon; Jeff lugs all of Pierce's belongings into the apartment. He then helps set up the temporary living quarters. Annie puts out fresh linens, a blanket and some extra pillows. They all settle in for their first night crammed into a tiny one and a half bedroom apartment.
The first night goes without a hitch. Chang takes a long bath and drinks some ginger ale to calm his unsettled stomach. All is quite quiet in the humble abode. Perhaps, Jeff thought, perhaps this wouldn't be so bad after all. That is the last shred of optimism for Jeff.
As stated earlier, Pierce has fallen into a quick and sudden depression. He's stuck in a rut as drastic changes in his life have caused an emotional upheaval.
He hasn't eaten much. He barely sleeps; crying out in the middle of the night for something or someone to 'stop!' Annie usually warms up some milk to help him settle down. Too bad the effects do not last very long.
On one particular day, some weeks after Pierce has 'moved' in, Annie and Jeff arrive home early from class. Both are discussing the group project assigned to them in Chem-lab. Well, that's not entirely true. Annie's scolding Jeff for expressing his interest in finding some way to make Dean Pelton disappear from the universe. "Come on Annie. There HAS to be a way. We could be pioneers in the human disappearance act of the 21st century. I can picture it now; Doctors Annie Edison and Jeff Winger have discovered the cure for annoying persons- just make them disappear, with Vanishing Serum. Kind of like vanishing deductible from Nation Wide. Same principal."
"Jeff, even if that were possible, annoyance and weirdness help make the world go round." She fits her key into the lock and they make their way inside.
"Round, smound. No one wants Dean Pelton around. No one." Annie stops short at the sudden odor assaulting her from inside the apartment.
"Oh, my! What is that smell?" Jeff takes a manly inhale of air.
"Ah! That my dear, is Ode D'Pierce."
"Oh, goodness that smells like-"
"A combo of B.O and backed up sewer. Yeah, I've been smellin' it all day while the two of you were off dilly-dallying on campus. Thank you very much!" Chang's snippiness causes Jeff to punch him in the shoulder.
"Watch the 'tude little man."
"Bite me Jeffery." The two men wrestle until Jeff puts him in a head lock and forces him to say 'uncle.'
"Jeff, let go of his head."
"But he's being a little b-"
"I'm going to count to three. One…"
"Oh, fine." Jeff quickly lets go of Chang which leaves him no time to catch himself as he falls onto the wooden floors.
"Thanks alot Jeffery."
"Do you ever stop whining?"
"No." And before another word can be said, Pierce emerges from the bathroom, his stale, unwashed robe wide open revealing a stained t-shirt and frayed pajama bottoms. His hair is matted, but he smiles at his three roommates. He closes in on the group and unfortunately, he has Annie in his sights.
"Annie, no!" Jeff reaches out to save her, but he fails to pull her away in time. Pierce envelops her in a hug. She can't get away. Pierce's stench shrouds her, choking her and leaves her gagging.
"How's it going roomies?" He releases Annie, who tries not to pass out.
"Fine Pierce, just fine."
"Good." After an awkward pause, Jeff can't hold it in any longer.
"Jesus Pierce. When was the last time you bathed?" When Pierce needs a few minutes to think back to the last time he actually took a shower, Annie crumbles under the immense frustration.
"That's it. March right back into that bathroom, turn the hot water on, without scalding yourself of course, and scrub yourself with my purple loofah. You are then going to throw the said loofah out, put those garments you have on in a plastic bag so I can burn them and then, we are all going to have a family meeting!" Chang starts to clap, but then Jeff politely puts a hand over his and shakes his head.
"Not now Chang, not now."
"Ok."
After an hours wait, Pierce emerges a second time from the bathroom smelling like fresh Ivory soap. 'Ha Ha,' Jeff thinks to himself, he used Chang's soap!
"Before we begin this little powwow, I'd like to thank you all for helping me realize the errors of my ways. I left myself go…stale and uncleanly and I apologize. I appreciate what you three have done for me."
"Aw, Pierce. That's so sweet of you."
"Don't buy into it Annie. He's just saying all this stuff so that you forget all about the family meeting."
"Oh, that's ok. I'm not quite prepared for one at the moment anyway. Maybe we should put it on hold for a while." Inwardly, Jeff heaves a sigh of relief.
Jeff decides to order a pizza for lunch as Annie organizes a flow chart of possible experiments for their upcoming Chem project. Jeff isn't completely convinced they've fully dodged a bullet from Pierce. However, for the sake of everyone's sanity, he'll let sleeping dogs lie and brings paper plates and napkins into the living room. The four of them settle in for a quiet night at home. Oscar even pokes his head out from his and Annie's bedroom. The curious cat assesses the situation before him and decides it's safe to enter the premises. With careful steps he climbs onto the couch and puts his face between Annie and Jeff's. He purrs lovingly and rubs his whiskers against Annie's cheek. Now if some one would just share a piece of crust with him, he'd be in heaven on Earth.
Some time has gone by since the partial intervention. And in this time, it must be noted that Jeff has accumulated quite a well of patience. But on this particular day, the well will suddenly become bone dry.
A week full of exams and lengthy papers has not put a smile, or hint of one anywhere close to Jeff's face. It must also be said that it has the same effect on Annie as well. Contrary to their studious lifestyle, their home life is quite tolerable. Chang, for some inexplicable reason is well behaved and almost a pleasure to have around; this could have something to do with Pierce undertaking the role as 'Royal Pain in the Ass.'
That partial intervention I spoke of earlier, the quiet night of pizza… none if it lasted very long. Pierce slowly slipped back into vagabond territory and has been forcing everyone to live in squalor. He's lax in his chores, often caught bribing Chang into doing them for him. He leaves his foul smelling clothes wherever he feels like it and his grimy odor is steeped deep into the couch. Yes, a week full of school and hard work is soaking up Jeff's well of patience. Not aware that Annie is too far ahead of him in this marathon of wills.
Annie is so ready to sink into a bubble bath of epic proportions; vanilla and warm sugar bath salts, Jeff, an illegal glass of wine, and lavender body oil tempt her. With a lukewarm cup of coffee in one hand, she struggles to unlock the door. Chang's solemn face greets her and so does the Ode D'Pierce.
"Oh for the love of God! For once, it would be nice to come home to a pleasant smelling house."
"Well, technically this is an apartment so…"
"Chang…"
"Got it. Not the time for technicalities or for pointing out that you're wrong to call an apartment a house because-" The swift slap to the head has him stopping mid-sentence and closing the door.
"Where is he?"
"Bathroom." When Annie walks further into the living room, she lets out a high-pitched squeal of surprise, drops her coffee and it puddles on the wooden floor. The door to the bathroom is wide open and Pierce is there… well you can imagine what she can see; how much of Pierce she can see. Ew!
"That's it!" Annie's feet stomp with vigor. She's half way to the bathroom when a gruff hand wraps around her waist, pulling her body towards him. Her previous momentum causes the person to stumble, but only a few steps. "What in the hell? Let me go! I'm gonna kill him!"
"Annie, no." Jeff's voice is insistent; laced with a pinch of humor.
"Jeff, .go!"
"No. I don't feel like trying to explain a homicide tonight."
"Please! Maybe I could just torture him with a Spork. I promise I'll make it a plastic one."
"Well…"
"Jeffrey, I don't want Annie to go to jail."
"Surprisingly, I agree with Chang."
"Ugh. Fine!" Jeff releases her. Annie takes a few minutes to straighten her skirt and push her hair off her face.
While Jeff would have loved to see Annie pitted against the old geezer, there is a more practical, less violent way of resolving this chaos. "Now, we're really having a family meeting. Assembly in 15 minutes, no excuses. This includes you too Oscar."
Jeff walks into the living room and hovers over the couch. An accidental whiff has him turning green. "Seriously? This couch smells like, well, we all know what it smells like. Did a freakin' corpse roll around on it while we were gone?"
"Yeah, a living corpse named Pierce. Really Jeffrey, Annie can we get a new one?"
"We're gonna have to. I'm not sitting on this thing ever again. Even it's fumigated."
The family meeting is delayed another week until the new couch is purchased, shipped and the old one is obliterated.
"Alright everyone. Tonight is the long awaited family meeting. First order of business is role call. Annie (present). Jeffrey?"
"Yeah."
"Ben?"
"Word up home-girl."
"Okay… Pierce…Pierce…PIERCE?"
"Huh, oh yeah. I'll have a whiskey, neat."
"Never mind. The next order of business I will pass on to Jeff." She gives him a polite golf clap and takes a seat on the couch.
"Okay people. I'm making this short and sweet; just how I like my woman." He winks at Annie. She blushes then gives him a stern look of disapproval.
"Right, not the appropriate time. Anyway we've all just purchased this brand new, modestly priced, clean and odor free sofa. I- WE, want to keep it that way. Here's the deal; everyone must shower at least ever other day- if not daily. You must put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher or wash them by hand. Annie and I are not maids, a cleaning service, or hired help. Please close the bathroom door when in use. Neither I, nor Annie want to see your unmentionables- ever! Let me reiterate, Annie and I are not maids, a cleaning service, or hired help. Clean up after yourselves. If you dirty it- clean it. If you drop it- pick it up. If it's full- empty it. And if you spill it- wipe it up. Any questions, comments or concerns?" Pierce holds up his hand.
"Yes Pierce?"
"I'm moving in with Troy and Abed." Jeff's face turns an odd shade of purple and tomato red. And with teeth clenched painfully,
"GET OUT!"
