Disclaimer! All fictional entities featured belong to Kazuki Takahashi and were rented by me. Except Sara Scinner and Silpheed the cockatoo; they're mine. This story has been beta-read by Pidge-san, AlukaKaiserin, and ChazzyLuverGurl.

"CHEAP LAUGH"

ACT TWELVE

Chancellor Sheppard peered out the window in his office, staring at the dingy Red dorm on the far side of the island. Jaden Yuki and the gang appeared to be acquainting themselves with the new student, Blair Flannigan; judging by the way she and Chazz were leaning so close to each other, he assumed that they were already getting along well. But that was not what he was concerned about. He turned his attention to Jaden, who leaned against the wall and looked as carefree as he'd ever been. Having been a Slifer for two years already, one who wasn't from Duel Academy probably wouldn't guess that he was the most gifted student in the school.

Sheppard pulled out his PDA and stared at a picture of the biggest, most muscular man he'd ever seen, with hair as slick and sharp as a fang and narrow, snake-like eyes. To no one in particular, he murmured, "Jaden, you need discipline from someone new. Someone who wouldn't be impressed with your victory over the Shadow Riders, and wouldn't know about your defeat of the Society of Light. Someone who could hone your skills and push you to the very limits of your ability. You need a hard-hitting man like Professor Thelonius Viper. I'm afraid your third year will be far from--"

"G'mornin', Shep!"

"Whoa!" Surprised by this sudden intrusion on his thoughtful summary of the third year, Sheppard found himself juggling his PDA between his thick fingers. When he regained a solid grip on the device, he whirled around and hid it behind his back. It was only Scinner and her pet bird.

"Sara, I--don't do that!"

"Do what?"

"Sneak up on people. You should know better. Er, shouldn't you be outside with the others, painting the Blue dorm? Or did you get in trouble just before the year began?" He shook himself off and made a half-smile, noticing the kazoo she clutched in one hand.

"Well, the guys told me that we'd be much more helpful if we stayed out of the way and made up a song for the rally tomorrow. We want to make the new kids feel welcome, don't we, Silpheed?" Silpheed bobbed up and down on her shoulder, like he was trying to nod.

"RAWK! Make the chicks feel real welcome!"

"Oh my, is that so? How'd you know that we were receiving new students?" He had hoped to keep that a surprise until the following morning.

"Heard through a bunch of grapes at lunchtime," said Sara.

"You mean, through the grapevine?"

"No, I mean through a bunch of grapes; this bunch, to be exact." She pulled out a half-eaten bunch of purple grapes. "They said that the new guys are transfer students from other schools or something. And that one of them is a hot Steve Irwin wannabe with a big crocodile. Oh, and another one is an even hotter Euro-Texan with fancy jewels." She held out the grapes at arm's length, adding in a whisper, "These grapes sounded pretty horny. Must be the hornones…"

Silpheed snickered, "Yeah, horny, horny, RAWK!" His crest feathers curled upright, until they were as straight as horns.

"Uh, hormones, you mean?" Assuming that Sara was only experimenting with prop comedy and hadn't actually heard voices from fruit, Sheppard took all of the folders on his desk and headed for the cabinet. "Well, Sara, that's very thoughtful of you to want to welcome the new students. But I'm not sure if we'll enough time for a song."

Being the persistent pest that she was, Sara totted after the principal. She stopped right behind him, as he slid the folders back into their places. "Come on, Sheppy, it won't be a really long song! I'll even bother to memorize all the lyrics. And it'll be one hundred and eleven percent original! Pleeeeaaase? Pretty please with grapes on top?"

"And bananas? RAWK!"

Sheppard bit his lower lip. Despite being the principal, he was a kind old man at heart. Unless it was absolutely necessary to, he often found difficulty in saying no to people, especially if these people were students. It didn't help when Sara folded her hands and flashed a hopeful smile. Even Silpheed eagerly ruffled his feathers.

Finally, he heaved a sigh of surrender. "All right, Sara, you can sing at the rally. But only for a minute, no longer. If it could be thirty seconds, though, that would be lovely."

Sara made a peculiar squealing noise that sounded like a cross between a piglet and a dolphin before locking her arms around Sheppard and proceeding to squeeze the air out of him. "Awesome-nity! Thank you, Sheppy, thankyouthankyouthankyou, thaaaaank yoooooou!"

"You're…welcome," he wheezed, his face turning blue from the lack of oxygen. "Ah, perhaps you should start working on that--yowch!" Silpheed had thanked him by nipping his ear lobe.

Sara pulled away and made an L-shape over her head with her hand, grinning like a dopey sailor who was last to get up. "Yes, sir!" Before Sheppard could say anything more, she and Silpheed were out the door, puffing on the kazoo in no tune in particular. He sank into his chair to catch his breath, while one hand rubbed the oh-so-tender spot on his ear lobe. Was it bleeding?

"It's just a little welcome song. I'm sure it won't cause any harm…now, back to the matter at hand." He swiveled his chair around so he could face the window overlooking the campus.


Normally, Sara didn't show up early for school--on the contrary, she had the tendency to be tardy due to her fondness for ducking around--but the next day, she made sure to get up before anyone, even the sun, to get ready for the rally. By the time Sheppard and the others had collected their bearings and assembled in the auditorium, Sara had already claimed a seat in the front row of the Obelisk column with her feet propped up on the table. Silpheed hopped back and forth across the floor, jittering like a wind-up toy from the ginger ale they'd drank in order to stay awake. She was occupying her time by blowing into the empty ale bottle like a hillbilly in the marsh.

She looked up, speaking in the most authentic hillbilly accent she could achieve, "Wet took y'all so long? We been up since th' wee ours 'fore the cock crowed, mm-hm."

"RAWK! Cock, cock, cock!" chanted Silpheed. Miss Fontaine had just entered the room and was now blushing like mad.

All that Sheppard had to say was, "Sara, please put your feet down. Is something wrong with your bird?"

"Nope, he jus' had hisself a swig o' ale. He been goin' all mornin' like a bobtail nag, mm-hm."

"RAWK! Tail, tail, who wants tail?" Silpheed squawked, hopping towards Blair, the first-ever and only girl in Slifer Red. "Hey, baby! See my tail? RAWK!" She looked about ready to kick him, but instead stepped around him in a huff.

Dr. Crowler loomed in behind Sheppard, already sensing trouble brewing. "Sir, maybe we should take that bird outside? We don't need it fouling up the place with its big mouth, do we?"

"Oui, oui," agreed Bonaparte.

"Oh, he's only…hyperactive. I'm sure he'll calm down by the time the ceremony begins."

Sara popped in between the three proctors, still puffing into the bottle through half-lidded eyes. "Yup, dem new boys is gonna like dis 'ere school. We's as colorful as m' pappy's vocab when he's out on the golf course, mm-hm," she snickered.

Through narrowed eyes, Crowler pointed to her seat. "Scinner, go sit down and control your bird. And stop talking like that! Honestly, you sound like we haven't taught you anything."

She shrugged, dropping the accent as abruptly as she'd picked it up. "Okie-dokie, Mr. Artichokey! P.S.: you're gonna love the song Silph and I made up!" She headed off to fetch Silpheed, who was now lying on the floor with a nasty sugar hangover.

Soon everyone on the school attendance sheet, student and teacher alike, was clustered in the auditorium, the atmosphere alive with intrigued chatter on what this assembly was all about. Sheppard took his place on the stage, while the other teachers stood behind him. Clearing his throat, he addressed the students with his most serious face. He wore it whenever he had something important to say.

"All right, settle down! As you may know, it's the start of a new school year. Does anyone remember their summer break? Because I don't, heh-heh-heh." His belly jiggled like gelatin whenever he chuckled: only one of the reasons Sara liked him. He wasn't afraid to chuckle a little, even when he was trying to be serious. As far as she was concerned, he was her pal, though this was mostly based on the fact that he was the principal, that she wasn't picky about friends, and that she kept getting sent to his office for disrupting class.

"Ahem! But I digress."

"Attention!" called Bonaparte. "Reciting the Academy Pledge is our freshman representative, Blair Flannigan." Out of assembly protocol, everyone clapped as Blair strolled up to the front. Facing the teachers, she raised her right arm and recited:

"We the students of Duel Academy solemnly promise to abide by the academy regulations, to resolve all conflicts by dueling, and to show respect for our professors and our fellow peers…unless they plan to take over the world." She ended the pledge with a courteous bow, then turned to walk back to her seat. On the way, she spared a flirtatious wink to Jaden's direction. The poor boy's face became as red as his old jacket.

Silpheed, on the other hand, must have gotten some sort of charge from seeing the young girl wink, because in spite of himself, he raised his head to squawk, "RAWK! Take it off, take it off!" Stifled snickers erupted here and there, mostly among the male students.

Sara poked her bird on the top of his head. "I hope you know that she's only ten years old, you dirty bird. At least, that's what the grapes told me."

"Ooh…jailbait, RAWK!"

Trying to turn a deaf ear to the cockatoo's remark, Sheppard resumed making announcements. "Now then, with each new year comes modification and improvement. Here at Duel Academy, we strive for perfection. So to keep each one of you at the top of your game, we've invited a few new students to join you. In fact, they represent the top students from each of our four world-wide Duel Academy branches."

The auditorium once again buzzed with chatter. "Duel Academy has world-wide branches? Golly, you learn something new every day!" exclaimed Tyranno Hassleberry.

"Sweet, I've so got to get my game on!" said Jaden with a grin.

Sara started to shiver with excitement. She could hardly wait to meet the new kids so she could sing to them the welcome song. Her kazoo and a tiny silver bell were spread out in front of her, ready whenever the new students came in.

Sheppard stepped aside to give the new students space in the spotlight. "Time for introductions! Visiting us from East Academy…Adrian Gecko!" The chatter escalated into applause as a young man in glasses and a rich brown uniform entered the room with a wave and a casual smile, his wild flame-shaped hair a vivid mahogany. No sooner had his name been mentioned, a bolt of recognition struck Sara.

She stood up and waved her arm around. "Hey! I've heard of you!"

Adrian stopped at Sheppard's right flank. "Oh, you have?"

"Yeah! Your family sells car insurance, doesn't it? You know, Geico? Fifteen minutes saves you fifteen percent?" Her stupidity managed to spark a few derisive chuckles from the audience.

Adrian made an amused half-smile. "Sorry, I think you have my name confused with someone else's. The Gecko Group sells card insurance." That wasn't true, but everyone who knew about the Gecko Financial Group--which was pretty much everyone but Sara and Silpheed--knew that this was just a witty crack, and laughed accordingly. A befuddled Sara was left with her tongue in her cheek.

"…And hailing from West Academy, please welcome Axel Brodie!" More applause rippled along the columns as a burly brown-skinned boy marched onto the stage. His face was as hardened as a stone, and he looked like he just came out of the military. He even held a large, yellow gun-like device in a holster on his belt.

Sara stood back up again. "Do you know Freddie Durphy? 'Cause you look a lot like him, but with a lot of hair! I love Durphy." Axel made no response, for he was a man of action and little words. He fixed his gaze straight ahead, ignoring her question.

"Next, joining us from our branch in the South, it's Jim Crocodile Cook!" A smiling third boy joined the group, with a bandage over his right eye. He appeared to be dressed up to go on a safari…or perhaps had just come back from one, judging by the huge, green crocodile he held high over his head. Although he was one of lean stature, he made it look as though the beast were as light as a gecko! A chorus of gasps pierced the air. Was that creature for real?

"Hi, mates!" he cheered, seeing nothing unusual about bringing a crocodile to a school rally.

"Whoa! Hey, hey, do you voice the gecko for old Geico, over here? Is that the real gecko you've got over your head? Wow, he sure looks a lot bigger and fatter in person…and toothier," she muttered with a finger to her chin.

By now, most of the students were getting sick of her stupid comments. "That's a crocodile, you moron!" someone called out. "Sit down and shut up, already."

Jim, on the other hand, looked almost as amused as Adrian had. "Why, thank you. But no, I don't voice the ol' Geico gecko. And Shirley's a croc, awright." It was strange enough to bring a stuffed crocodile to school, but to give it a name, too?

Sheppard continued with the introductions: "And leading the pack at North Academy, it's Jesse Andersen!"

Everyone roared with applause…but Jesse Andersen did not appear. All fell into a bemused silence. Sheppard glanced to the back door, expecting for the student to burst in at any moment.

"Well, this is awkward," mumbled Dr. Crowler.

"No, it's just plain rude," chided Bonaparte.

"That's weird. A no-show?" said Adrian.

Sara drummed her fingers against the table. This wouldn't do; she and Silpheed couldn't sing the welcome song unless all of the newcomers were present. Otherwise, the missing one wouldn't feel welcome. She raised her hand. "Hey, Sheppy! Maybe Silpheed and I could go look for this Jesse Andersen guy?"

"Oh, I don't think that'll be necessary," said Sheppard. "He probably needed to use the bathroom."

Swish!

Suddenly, a flash of white light spilled into the top rows of the auditorium. Everyone turned their attention to the front door to find the panting silhouette of a boy standing in the threshold. When the light re-adjusted itself, his face became distinguishable. He trailed his fingers through his messy turquoise hair and made a sheepish smile. "Sorry, folks! Guiss I got lost. This school's a lot beeger thin ours," he apologized. His voice had a bit of a Southern drawl to it, but unlike Sara's, it was genuine. His blue and light attire looked very much like a cowboy's, in fact, minus the ten-gallon hat.

Jaden stood up and waved an arm. "Hold on, I recognize you!"

The boy trotted down the steps to Jaden's row. "Well, now, I guiss this is that pep rally thang."

Jaden nodded. "Yep. By the way, just wondering, have you seen a guy named Jesse Andersen?"

"Shore have."

"What? You've seen him? Where is he?" asked Sheppard.

The boy's hand found its way back to the back of his head. "Ya'll are lookin' at 'im. I'm Jesse," he chuckled. "Sorry, guiss I di'nt properly innerduce myself. I was so excited to meet you, I plum fergot." Not knowing what to say, no one said a word, except Jaden.

"Yeah, I get that a lot," he confessed.

Sheppard cleared his throat a second time. "Let's start over then, shall we? Joining our school from North Academy…here's Jesse Andersen!" Jesse climbed onto the stage and took his place among the other three boys, waving to the crowd as they welcomed him with applause.

"Hooray! Now we can sing our song, Silpheed," Sara whispered. "I got your bell out and everything."

"Thanks for wasting everyone's time, pal." said Adrian through half-lidded eyes. Jesse looked taken by surprise by the sarcasm in that statement. Axel said not a word, but simply glared at the late student.

"Just kidding," said Adrian. Jesse could only laugh.

Jim stepped forward and tipped his hat. "G'day! The name's Jim Cook." As he offered a handshake, he added, "And this is Shirley." To Jesse's wide-eyed bewilderment--and everyone else's--the crocodile blinked at him, a growl emitting from the back of her throat. So much for her being only a stuffed animal, no?

Crowler and Bonaparte huddled closer together. "Please tell me that was your stomach," whimpered Crowler.

"I-I can't!" The two men got another scare when a burly, hard-faced man loomed behind him. His dark hair was slick and pointy, like a snake's fang; his stony eyes narrow and foreboding, like a cobra's.

"Oh yes, and last but not least," said Sheppard, "I'd like you to meet our visiting professor from West Academy. Say hello to Professor Thelonius Viper!" Professor Viper marched to the front of the stage, his lips pursed into a thin line. His stride was as stiff and orderly as his attire, like a general's. He met Sheppard and bowed his head.

"It's an honor," he said gruffly. He then turned to face the students, just as Sara was in the process of hopping out of her seat. He opened his mouth again to address the students when she cut in:

"Hey, Sheppy, can we start singing now?"

Viper passed them a venomous look. He hated it when students tried to interrupt him, especially if it was with a trite song and dance. "Sorry, but I don't want to be sung to, thank you very much."

The grin on her face faded. "But Sheppard here promised that we could welcome the new guys with a song. Didn't you, Shep?" She looked at the chancellor with the same hopeful face she'd displayed back in his office.

"Well, er, yes, I did, but if Professor Viper doesn't want--"

It was too late. Sara had already placed the bell on the floor for Silpheed to tap with his beak, while she puffed her cheeks and heaved on her kazoo:

VOOOOOO!

At once, she started to jitter in place in a kind of movement that was supposed to be tap-dancing, but to the audience, looked like she had just come down with a nasty case of St. Vitus's Dance. At the top of her voice, she belted out a string of lyrics while Silpheed maintained the rhythm on the bell:

"Welcome to Duel Academy,

The more, the merrier!"

DING!

"We always stick together when

It's swell or hairier!"

DING!

"Welcome, Mr. Viper,

That's some pointy cow-lick!"

DING!

"Just how many people in this series

Have that kind of hair, do you think?"

DING!

"Welcome, Jesse Andersen,

With the petting zoo for a deck!"

DING!

"Any guy that can handle cats

Is a pretty brave guy, I bet!"

DING!

"Welcome, Jimmy Cook, with the

Croc strapped to your back!"

DING!

"Do you come from a land down under,

Do you know Kangaroo Jack?"

DING!

"Welcome, Adrian Geico,

You don't have to pay rent!"

DING!

"Fifteen minutes on the telephone

Can save you fifteen percent!"

DING!

"Welcome, Axel Brodie,

Don't take this as an attack…"

DING!

"But did you notice that you are

The only kid here who's bla—"

"Ah, o-okay, Sara, that's enough!" Sheppard interrupted in the nick of time, his entire face burning pink. The scowl on Viper's lips broadened; he looked even crankier than he had when he had arrived, if that was possible. Several members of the audience snickered, while others rolled their eyes. Other still rubbed their temples to dull the headaches Sara had given them.

Sara stopped tap-dancing and frowned. "But we're not done with our song!"

"And it's a very, er, lovely song, thank you for sharing it with us. But we need to keep things moving along. You may sit down now."

"But--"

Sheppard pointed to her seat. Sara gave a pout, which quickly melted into a smile. She couldn't make the new guys feel welcome by looking all pouty, could she? Besides, Sheppard had been gracious enough to let her sing at all. She could accept that. With a silly bow, she picked up the bell, let Silpheed climb onto her shoulder, and ambled back to her seat.

Adrian nudged Axel with his elbow. "Lovely, my foot. Wonder if everybody at this school's a jerk?"

"I dunno, I thank that was awful kind o' 'em to sing to us, an' funny, too," said Jesse with a content smile. "Not every day that ya get that kind o' treatmint as a new kid." Jim couldn't ring in his opinion about it, for he was scratching a squirming Shirley under her chin in order to try calming her down.

Once the jokers were back in their seat, Viper shook his head. What lack of discipline! That kind of monkey business was exactly the reason he had been summoned here. Well, it wasn't the whole reason, though it was a small part of it.

"For those of you who have heard that my own methods are strict, you're right."

"We haven't heard! Heck, I don't think we've even heard of you from Adam! Or anyone, for that matter, not even from the grapes."

Everyone turned their heads to stare Sara down. She and Silpheed looked all around with a shrug. "What? We really haven't."

Viper ignored this and continued: "However, that being said, I believe that there's a method to my madness."

"What'cha mad about? It's okay to talk about it if you're mad." Sheppard threw an anxious look at Sara's direction. She was already pushing it, and this was only the first day of school.

"…I believe actions speak louder than words, so why not we skip the pleasantries and get down to business? How's about we kick off the year by holding an exhibition match right now?" Apprehensive murmurs echoed all along the room; even Sheppard was surprised. He certainly hadn't had a match on his agenda.

"Simmer down, so that I can choose the competitors. Jesse Andersen! And his opponent will be…"

Sara shot her hand high into the air, waving it in circles like a flag. She had no idea what an exhibition match was, but that didn't stop her from volunteering. It never stopped her.

"Ooh-ooh-ooh, me, me, me! ME!"

"…Duel Academy's top student…"

As though Viper were speaking to him, Chazz Princeton gripped the folds of his coat and stood up. "I accept!"

"…Jaden Yuki."

Just like that, Chazz toppled back down until only his feet were visible. Jaden, on the other hand, couldn't be happier. He stood up with his fists clenched in front of him. "Wow! It's the first day of school, and I get to duel a kid with a legendary deck? Can't get any sweeter than this!"

"And you'll always be number two, if you know what I mean!" roared Chazz. He had a habit of yelling at no one in particular when he was frustrated, so it'd been observed.

Jesse smiled back at his opponent-to-be. "Golly, this duel's gonna be a hoot!"

Viper called both boys up to the stage, where he handed them each a shiny white bracelet. No sooner had they put them on their wrists, the trinkets automatically clicked shut. The boys held out their arms and eyed them.

"What are these?"

A tiny, sinister smirk creased Viper's lips. "Why don't we just say they're a little welcome gift? The match begins in one hour, not a minute later."

"D'aw!" Sara slouched onto the table, her head resting on her arms. Oh, well. There'd be other chances, probably. Probably.


Somewhere deep in the heart of the forest, Viper ventured out into a clearing on his lonesome with a briefcase in one hand and a decrepit pocket watch in the other. Scanning his surroundings as an anaconda eyes his prey just before making his move, his gaze fixed on a great building shrouded by a cluster of trees and shadows. The arms of vines entwined around it in a thorny embrace, the lush vegetation choking it from the inside and out.

He chuckled to himself. This forsaken place would be his base, the place where he'd carry out his insidious plot to drain all of the students of their energy. Before he could approach the building, however, someone tapped on his broad shoulder. Even being a man as collected as he was, he was taken by a brief surge of surprise.

He whirled around and found the girl from the rally with her bird on her shoulder, the ones who had sung that obnoxious welcome song. How on earth did they follow him all the way out there?

"Don't you know better than to stick your nose where it doesn't belong?" he hissed.

"Hey, hey, come on, we're not asking for trouble," piped Sara.

"Somehow, I've difficulty believing that," he murmured, making sure not to glance behind him, lest he draw unwanted attention to his would-be hideout.

"We just wanted to…do this."

Standing on her tip-toe, Sara pulled out an empty, lidded plastic cup. She reached up and used Viper's hair to puncture a tiny hole in the lid. Viper couldn't help but feel a smidge violated.

"What's the meaning of this?"

"After we were all excused from the rally, Silpheed said you stored venom in your 'do. I said you didn't." She leaned in to examine the contents of the cup, or rather, lack of contents. "HA! See, Silph! Told ya he didn't have venom sacs in his hair!"

"RAWK! You said 'sacks!'" cackled the cockatoo.

She turned to her pet and smirked. "You now owe me…your soft little forehead!" She pecked him on the top of his head with the side of her mouth. "But don't worry! I'm a good sport, so I'll give you three Silpheed Snacks, anyhow."

Having had enough at this point, he decided to drive them off. He held out his pocket watch and began to swing it in their faces. "Well, since you wanted something off of me, now I believe you should return the favor. Look at this watch."

"Okay! We're lookin'!"

The object swung back and forth at a slow and steady pace, like the pendulum of a grandfather clock. For a moment, all was quiet except for the random chatter of birds. Sara and Silpheed seemed enchanted by its motion; Viper could tell by their blank expressions.

"Listen to what I say. You will go back to the campus."

"…We will go back to the campus."

"You will attend the exhibition match like everyone else."

"…We will attend the exhibition match like everyone else."

"This meeting never happened."

"…This meeting never happened."

A smirk found its way back on his face. "Excellent. Now, go."

"Excellent. Now, go."

"You can stop repeating everything I say."

"I can stop repeating everything you say." Which of the two was supposed to be the parrot, again? He helped her out by grabbing her by the shoulders and facing her in the opposite direction, then giving her a gentle push. Before long, Sara ambled off with Silpheed, her stride considerably stiffer than usual. Hypnotism was one of Viper's secret talents, something he had picked up back in his army days. It did work, but usually only on undisciplined individuals. On his first day here at Duel Academy, he had already found bunches of the like.

"Well, that went well. Now, where was I? Oh, right." He opened his watch to reveal a small orb of flickering orange light: the foundation of his plot.

TO BE CONTINUED...