Disclaimer: I don't own/ didn't create Twilight, Ladies of the White House, The OC, Jennifer's Body, Dynasty Warriors, Nicki Minaj (I wish), fruit roll-ups, Nitrous Monster, Powerpuff Girls, and the bands I mentioned.. I'm just borrowing all of it and will have it all back by curfew. But I do own that fruit-roll up moment, Sarah, Roger, and well, the shit I made up. So there's no stealing that. 8) That was a creepy smiley. Sorry, sorry, read on.
"No, it's freaking ridiculous, I mean for example, The OC, whenever they freaking play Dynasty Warriors against each other there's only one warrior on the screen and it pisses my ass off!" I yell. I'm talking to Angela and Alice in trigonometry.
Yes, Alice, out of the two Cullens here shes the one with the cunt, she's worthy, haha. We're debating video games, and I'm fucking exhausted. Edward is taking his toll on me and I'm only in first period, before class he kept on fucking spewing out nonsense like, "You could've at least chosen a noble man, hell any man, this is just disconcerting." I was incredibly naïve to ever compare him to a Greek god. Homophobic ass, apparently being on Earth for more than a century hasn't made his preference change. I now cringe at the thought that I pretty much dated my deceased great-grandfather, haha. I know I'm not funny, fuck you. Wait…. Who are you?
"Bella please, for once in a month, will you please silence yourself, we only have two minutes of trig left," the teach says.
"No, I'm afraid I'm on my 'once a month' and talking alleviates my agonizing pain," I respond.
"Bella!" he yells.
"Pssh, I don't need no more edge-you-cay-shun anyways," I mumble.
"Gosh, Bell, if you talk like that we really do need to learn ya'," Alice replies in a southern slur. Which in turn, causes Angela and me to chuckle, it's a good thing Jasper isn't the psychic, I have a feeling he'd be offended.
"God, it's fucking hotter than Nicki Minaj in here, I'm freakin' delighted we're switching classes soon," I say with fervor.
"I can't tell, obviously," Alice responds.
"How the hell can you not?" Angela questions. Alice and I smile knowingly. The bell rings and I sing along with it. "Bella, please stop!" the teacher screeches.
I walk out of the class laughing and go to the library, because it's free period for me. I curse myself, seeing Dickward. One of the only classes where Angela and Sarah are absent for and he just happens to be here. That's a major coincidence. I grab Ladies of the White House off the bookshelf, pop in my headphones and begin listening to A Smile From The Trenches. I then sit down at the farthest table possible, just to put him through some well-deserved derision. Thirty minutes pass and he's still staring at me longingly, so I steal a book from the kid next to me and throw it directly at Edward's face. I start to laugh hysterically while Edward's fuming, and he's putting his head back from his shock, unintentionally making a double chin. Gosh, and he's too much of a coward to stand up for himself. Oh, the reason I threw it so well, Sarah. She really loves football, so she's been relentless with teaching me and Angela stuff about football, despite Angela hating most sports, and me tripping all the fucking time, she's better than any PE teacher I've had. I start to get bored of reading about Mrs. James Monroe and decide to listen to some older music. Don't think Beethoven; think Captain and Tennille, Rod Stewart, Fleetwood Mac, Tupac, haha, name dropper there, huh? I drift off wishing that I was in the same class as Mackey and Ang right now and before I know it, the bell is ringing. Although, unfortunately, it's not a class with either of them, so I still don't get any lesbigay time. That line is courtesy of Jennifer's Body.
I shockingly pay attention all through Spanish class, except to tell Alice to flip off Edward every once in a while because he was being way too bothersome and intrusive with his stalkerfied-staring.
When the bell rings I run out, flailing my arms intentionally looking stupid as hell, I hear laughter and can just sense a whole bunch of cringes behind me. I know I'm a senior, but I have to act like an 8th grader. The reason: I'm hopeful, even though the probability is weak, that Edward will stop being a stalker and forget the fact I am/was his mate because I'm acting ridiculous.
I head off to my new favorite table in the lunchroom and pull out a few Fruit Roll-Ups and a Nitrous Monster. Angela comes over and starts making out with me, she pulls away for a second and says, "Damn, I love you Bells." Sarah sneaks up behind her and slaps her in the ass, commanding, "Okay Angela, back to work, I was enjoying the show." I laugh and go back to kissing her. Eventually we sit down and I open up my fruit roll up. I look at it disgusted and completely outraged say, "This fruit-roll up is all wrinkly!" Sarah then spits out her chocolate milk, with some excess snot (she has a cold). We all laugh hysterically, then Angela ends up pissing her pants. "Oh fuck, what the hell am I supposed to do now?" Angela questions, desperately. "Haha, don't you have any extra clothes in your locker?" Sarah asks. "No, I'm not fucking gay," she responds. Well, needless to say Angela decided to go home, Sarah is walking her to the office right now. Yes, we abide by the rules, sometimes.
I finish up my lunch and travel to biology, I tripped about five times. When I walk through the doorway, I hear Sarah yell, "Dibs!" I chuckle, flattered and walk over to our table. I kiss her amazing, full lips (not those ones, perv) until Mr. Fuckface walks in, and we wait for the rest of the class. Oh so fortunately, Edward is one of our peers.
"Class, I would like you to welcome back Mr. Cullen, Edward, take a seat with Sarah and Bella," Mr. Fuckface says.
"What! Mr. Banner, that's freaking outrageous, Jessica has an empty seat next to her!"
"That's only because Michael is ill today, and besides what I find outrageous is how ever since Mr. Cullen left, your grade went from an A- to C+, so as far as I'm concerned maybe you could use him," he retaliates.
"Are you implying that I used him before?" I ask, fucking furious.
"That doesn't matter, Miss Swan, now please, let's stop with this nonsense and proceed with my lesson," he says, in a calm manner.
Edward walks over, smug. "Hey partner," he says, not acknowledging Sarah's presence, "Looks like you could use a loyal man to help you out." Fucking obnoxious, insolent, unjust ass.
"Looks like you could use a nice beat down," Sarah retaliates. I smile, proud.
Edward sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Bella, please, I apologize, I love you, and frankly, I don't think this one is good for your future."
"And frankly, dear, I don't give a damn," I respond. Ahahaha, you gotta love Gone with the Wind.
"You shouldn't have to withstand mediocrity in your mate… or mates, in this case" he says.
Fuck he's persistent. "That's why I'm not with you." I respond.
Fighting crime, trying to save the world here we come just in time, the Powerpuff Girls. Powerpuff!
"Haha, who the hell has that as their ringtone?" I question, loudly.
"Ugh, Bella, that's you," Edward says.
"Pssh, I don't have that as my ringtone," I respond. Dumbass.
"No, Bells that is you," Sarah says, as it starts to ring again.
"Oh fuck, that is, god I need to stop getting stoned, excuse me, Mr. Bans, its imperative that I take this," I yell, as I run out of the classroom before he protest and blather the fuck on.
"Yo, Jelly Belly, what's crackin'?" Roger asks enthusiastically from the other line.
"Hey, Roger Rabbit, my ass!" I respond.
"Ahaha, marvelous, so Bells how is the first day back with those two crackers?" he asks.
"Roger, you're white," I say. "And it's fine."
"No, isn't that their last name?" he asks, puzzled.
"Oh yeah, Edward Cracker shattered my heart, no you dim-wit, their last name is Cullen!" I counter.
"Gosh, no need to be a stingy bitch," he says.
"Haha, I'm sorry Rogey, you can slap me next time you see me, but why did you call, man, wait aren't you supposed to be in school?"
"You're damn right I'll slap you, and you know I have home schooling, okay but you have to listen to my story, it has an important lesson,"
"Okay, shoot," I say.
"Okay well, I had a dream that a hobo, with a mellifluous voice, who had a striking resemblance to Jesus, gave me a water bottle, so I took a swig, and I was all like 'This isn't water, its vodka!' Then the Jesus hobo slapped me for implying he was impure and gave me a cupcake instead, can't go wrong there. But then immediately after that a fucking dwarf, not a midget, a dwarf, took it from me!"
I burst out laughing at how asinine it sounds. "Okay, so I assume the lesson is either 'Don't take what you sell' or 'don't mix ambien with absinthe'." I say
"Yes, yes, Bella, the latter, that's precisely the freaking point! Gosh, was it that predictable?" he asks, distressed.
"No, man, I just know you too well," I console. "Way to well, man, you need to stop leaving your grody ass boxers in my house; Angela is starting to get suspicious!"
"I apologize, gosh, but your shower is like a fucking safe haven, it's wonderful," he says, obviously drifting off.
"You're a dumbass, but I need to go, I'm going to wait for PE to start, and maybe use up some of my blow,"
"You should quit that shit," he recommends.
"And this is coming from a drug dealer?" I say, ready to bring on Bitter Bitchy Bella.
"I've known way too many people that have died in this line of work, Bells," he says ardently.
"Okay, okay, I'll just text some people and listen to music, DAD," I say. I don't need anyone to berate me today.
"Haha, yeah, what friends do you have to text?" he asks jokingly.
"You're such an ass, well I'm going to go, don't kill yourself," I say.
"Love you too, Jelly Belly!" he responds. I then hang up and walk out to The Sex Addict, stunned to find a visitor leaning against the car door.
A/N: #1 I wanted to publish this two weeks ago, but my dysfunctional computer wouldn't let me. Sorry. #2 I'm even sorrier that I was gone for what, four months? I'm fucking horrible, I know, but my life has gone through quite a few changes as of late, no not puberty, haha. Please understand, and give me some feedback. #3 I'm sorry for all the past and present mistakes I've made with grammer, but I'm too lazy to change them, soooo, yeah.
