1995, June 2nd.
Sister,
How are you and Mingxia? I have a friend who tells me that the summer in Tokyo is unbearably hot. I hope this letter finds you both in good health. I wish it didn't cost so much to send mail this way, but we must be discreet. We all miss you. It's lonely without any children in the house. Please take care of yourself, and take care of Mingxia. I pray to every Buddha and Bodhisattva that you will be freed of your suffering. I think of praying for your safe return home, but perhaps that is asking too much.
Love,
Hong
1995, July 30th.
Sister,
I bought a jade statute for our home altar, and it made me think of you. It's sad that you cannot be here with us. Why is it that being kind gets one punished? The way of things in this world is backwards. My thoughts are with you.
Love,
Hong
1996, April 6th.
Sister,
Another year goes by without you. Someday, I hope we will see each other again.
Love,
Hong
1997, September 18th.
Sister,
I don't know if any of my letters have reached you, but I feel as though I must keep writing. I worry about your safety often, and Mingxia's safety, as well. Xuan tells me that Tokyo is very safe, and I believe him, but I would feel better if I heard back from you. I don't want you to be upset with yourself. When you left, I think you were angrier at yourself than anyone else was angry with you. What you did was the right thing; don't let anyone make you second-guess your actions that day. Mingxia will grow up, and she will understand if you tell her.
Love,
Hong
1998, February 3rd.
Sister,
The Chi She Lian came last night with gifts. They have no shortage of good things to say about you, and though I think you would be embarrassed, your name is one they all know, even though very few of them have met you. Xuan says they have to go away for some time, but he hopes to be back soon. I pray for his safe return.
Love,
Hong
1999, August 11th.
Sister,
I held onto the hope that Xuan would come home, but now, I must accept the truth. There is violence in the streets some nights. I have heard that the government is going to deploy someone to our town. How odd; that should make me happy, but it doesn't. I think you understand. Keep Mingxia close to you, and stay safe.
Love,
Hong
1999, August 23rd.
I sincerely believe in Amitabha Buddha and chant his name. In my next life, I want to be reborn upon a lotus. May the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas smile with compassion and continue to turn the wheel of Dharma.
May we meet again, someday, in one form or another,
Hong
"We all heard this story as children," Tatara says, an arm over Meika's shoulder, his weight and warmth reassuring, "Once, the countryside in Sichuan was where ghouls went. It was a pilgrimage they wanted to make, because they knew it would be safe. The farmers out there all wanted day laborers and wouldn't ask any questions as long as the work was done. I heard it was surreal but somehow comforting, standing so close to the humans and working the land alongside them. It must have been nice."
"But the world was changing. Harsher legislation meant that it wasn't only ghouls who would be hunted, but also those who helped them. Slowly, their place in Sichuan disappeared as blind trust gave way to suspicion. When they had nowhere left to go, they returned to the city with a vengeance. They say that's where Chi She Lian came from."
"Chi She Lian?" Meika repeats, stumbling over the sounds, "What does that mean?"
"It was a ghoul organization," Tatara says, "We were small, but we were close, like family. I was raised by that group's second generation, and they told us all about your mother."
"They really liked her?"
"It went deeper than that. One of the elders, a founding member named Meng, was convinced she was a bodhisattva who'd stayed on earth to help spread enlightenment." Tatara chuckles. "I thought he was senile, but some of the others believed him."
"What, exactly, did she do?"
Tatara shifts uncomfortably and Meika gives him space to stretch, settling adjacent to him at the table and looking down at the pile of letters. "She sheltered them," he says, "Chi She Lian had always been a small group and struggled to keep itself afloat. With so few members, a single bad encounter with a government agent could wipe out half of the organization, and, in fact, did. Your mother happened upon the survivors—Meng and the others—as she was coming home one evening. They both believed the meeting was fated."
"So she hid them," Meika reasons, "And they were grateful afterwards."
"Yes. In fact, when she decided to leave the country, they helped her with that, too."
"I'd love to know how that all went over with my grandparents," Meika laughs.
"It went well, apparently. You come from a family of devout Buddhists; none of them saw anything wrong with helping ghouls." He pauses, glancing pointedly at the suitcase on the other side of the table. "You were planning on leaving?"
Meika can't meet his gaze. "I still am," she says, feeling guilty for some reason. She can feel Tatara's eyes on her.
"I wouldn't go anywhere if I were you. It's not safe."
"It's not safe here, either," she insists, "I'm sure somebody has looked into what Kurita was investigating before you killed him. It's only a matter of time before the CCG—!"
"Don't worry about the doves."
"Why? Because you'll kill whoever comes after me next?"
Tatara doesn't answer; Meika realizes this, too, is a stupid question.
"If anyone who comes after me gets killed by ghouls, I'm going to start looking really suspicious, if I don't already," she says.
"If you can wait a few more weeks," Tatara says, "Things will change. You won't have to worry about that anymore."
Meika furrows her brows, asking, "why?" very hesitantly, not sure if she wants to know the answer.
"I can help you disappear."
His earnest words bring a smile to her lips; she doesn't doubt he'd help her dodge the CCG for the rest of her life. "It's not just that," she admits, "I don't want to just leave the ward; I want to go to China."
The surprise immediately shows on Tatara's face, eyes widening and lips parted. "Why?" he asks.
"I hear my mother is still alive," Meika says, "I remember the CCG arresting her, but it doesn't seem the Chinese government ever got her. I wonder if she's somewhere in the countryside, hiding out with the farmers."
Tatara's shock hardens into something much more solemn, and the mood seems to darken a bit.
Meika frowns. "You don't think so?"
"Hm."
"Why not?" she demands.
He doesn't answer. Suddenly, he stands up, going to retrieve his mask from the counter.
"Tatara, wait," Meika calls, scrambling to get up.
His lower face vanishes beneath the angular red mask, and his eyes seem unreadable. Meika feels like the man standing in her kitchen is a stranger all over again, a ghoul that she doesn't really know, and she takes a reflexive step back away from him. "I'd rather you don't leave the ward," he says coolly.
"Why?" Meika asks.
Tatara steps around her and heads for the door.
Nothing good ever lasts. Her mother had told her that. The world, and everything in it, is impermanent.
"You know something," she mutters. Tatara freezes at her door, back turned to her. "There's more to that story." The words are meant to come out calmly, but they're sharp and hysterical, an accusation.
"I have nothing more to say about your mother," he says, unmoving, "But I would like you to stay here."
"I'm not staying here. If you won't tell me what happened to her, then I'll go find out for myself."
"There's nothing for you in China. You might as well stay here."
"Why?" she demands again, "Because my mother is dead? Because Chi She Lian had something to do with it? Because—!"
He rounds on her suddenly, regarding her with hardened eyes that she can't believe were so warm just moments ago, towering over her, and Meika remembers that she's looking at a ghoul that could kill her now if he was so inclined. One of his pale hands grips her shoulder, hard enough to bruise. "Don't blame Chi She Lian," he says, sounding truly angry for the first time since she met him, "If you're going to blame anyone for your misfortune, you should blame your mother."
Meika stares up at him, frozen. "What does that mean?"
Tatara's grip loosens slowly, and then he steps back from her, the distance leaving her feeling cold even with the blanket on her shoulders. He doesn't say anything else as he turns and opens the door to a dark and dying ward. A sick feeling of betrayal settles in, and Meika swallows the lump forming in her throat.
"I trust you," she says desperately.
He doesn't stop to look back. "You probably shouldn't," he says, and the door slams shut in his wake.
Everything comes together nicely in the following days.
A week passes without Tatara darkening her doorway again, and Meika's resolve hardens. The forecast predicts a few surprisingly warm days for early December, and Kazuichi even shows up, though his knocking is much shorter and more frantic than usual. She lets him in, glances around to make sure he wasn't followed, and locks the door behind him.
"I need info," she says. He stiffens at the words, and she gives a nonthreatening smile. "What's Aogiri Tree up to these days? You're working for them, right? Tell me what's going on."
"I couldn't tell you all that much if I wanted to," he says, "I hardly know anything. I'm an underling, and I think my usefulness has all but expired." He takes a deep breath. Meika feels a twinge of sympathy for just how ragged he looks, hair greasy and slick with sweat.
"Come here," she says gently, starting the water in the sink, "Let me wash your hair." Kazuichi drags over, his motions sluggish, and Meika sees that his eyes are bloodshot; he looks like he hasn't slept in days. "It's been a little while since you came by. Did something happen?"
He doesn't answer for a while, but she feels him relax under the warm water, leaning into her fingers as she rubs his scalp. "I'm going to run away," he says suddenly.
Meika's movements still completely, and the only sound is that of the water running, muffled by Kazuichi's head before it runs down the rain, nearly black with dirt and grime. "Yeah?"
"Yeah. We've just gotta go. That's the only way we're gonna make it."
"We?"
"I'm bringing some ghouls with me," he says, "Some friends. They all stuck with me through this whole mess, from the very beginning. I owe it to them, since I couldn't be a leader. I've just gotta lead them out of here." His voice cracks, and his shoulders start to shake. "I can do that much, can't I?"
"Of course you can," Meika insists. She hurriedly rinses out his hair and turns off the faucet, handing him a towel. Kazuichi holds onto it but doesn't dry off, just staring down at it in his hands.
"That's why I came here today," he says hoarsely, meeting her eyes, "You should come with us, Meika."
She tries to smile, but it's heavy, and it doesn't stay for very long. "It's funny you should mention leaving," she says, "I'm getting out of here, too, but I can't go with you. I'm leaving the country; I have something personal to take care of."
Kazuichi looks disappointed, but he nods. "As long as you get out of here."
"That's the plan."
They sit at the table just as they have a hundred times, Meika behind Kazuichi, perched uncomfortably on wooden crates. Meika works slowly, wanting to remember this; the bend of Kazuichi's back, the feel of his hair between her fingers. Someone she could always count on, a real friend, one she doubts she'll ever see again after today.
"My name is actually Mingxia," she tells him.
"What?"
"I'm not a legal citizen of Japan. Mom's a wanted fugitive in China, so she came here to hide."
"But you're going back?"
Meika laughs. "Sounds backwards, doesn't it?"
"Sounds dangerous. You sure that's a good idea?"
"I ran out of good ideas a long time ago."
Kazuichi nods. "Yeah," he says quietly, "I know what you mean."
Reluctantly, she cuts his hair, watching damp clumps fall around his shoulders. "Done," she says.
"Thanks."
"Can I ask you something?"
Kazuichi repositions himself, turning around on the crate to look at her. "Sure."
She hesitates. "Do you know a guy named Tatara?"
She doesn't miss the way he flinches and glances at the door nervously. "I know of one."
"What do you know about him?"
"Not a lot," Kazuichi says, "He's part of Aogiri Tree, a high-ranking member. Why? Does he come here?" Meika shrugs, trying to think of a way to dodge the question, but Kazuichi just gets even more upset. "How often?" he asks, "When did he last show up?"
"About a week ago," she says, "And he comes by now and then."
Kazuichi's complexion is already looking bad, but he turns a shade paler. "Shit," he mutters.
"What's wrong?"
"Our whole escape plan is based off of when all of the local Aogiri higher ups are out of town. I didn't even put Tatara into the equation because I've hardly ever seen him around, and the rumor was he'd left someone else in charge around here. But, come to think of it, I still haven't seen him much." Kazuichi glances at Meika, frown deepening. "How do you even know that name?"
Meika feels like a trapped rat, pinned down by Kazuichi's gaze. She doesn't want to lie, but she doesn't want to tell the truth. Tatara, of this band of murderers and monsters called Aogiri Tree? I might have slept with him, she imagines herself saying. She tries to come up with a better way to phrase it.
"He's dangerous," Kazuichi warns, "They're all dangerous. Don't get mixed up with them."
Meika meets Kazuichi's eyes and looks into them for a long time, memorizing the color. She remembers them being something close to amber or even gold, like the sun at midday, a beacon that shone overhead, a guidepost. She thinks she must be imagining the rust and decay she sees now, the way they've dulled into something hopeless, wilted flowers and dying stars. There aren't a lot of things about the 11th ward that she's going to miss, but she knows she'll miss him.
"Sorry, Banjou," she says quietly, "It's too late for you to warn me about that."
Kazuichi jams his hands into his pockets and drops the entire contents—a few measly yen—onto the table. "Take care of yourself," he says.
"You, too." She takes a deep breath, blinking back tears. "Goodbye."
Kazuichi inhales sharply, nods, and then turns away quickly and leaves, back into the heartless land that used to be his home. Meika runs her hands over her face, feeling more tears coming.
Tomorrow, she tells herself, and this time, she means it.
