Muggle,

Do you know the meaning of 'immortal Dark Lord'?

Obviously you do not.

It means that I WIN.

NOT. HARRY. POTTER.

I'M BLOODY IMMORTAL.

IT MEANS I CAN'T DIE.

Do you not remember that one line, oh, how did it go... oh, yes "Only I can live forever"?

Emphasis on the 'live forever' part.

Then, of course, there's the fact that I spent over fifty years creating horcruxes, killing bitches and smashing shit up so that I could live forever.

I stole, burned and murdered so I could live forever.

I EVEN BOUGHT A FUCKING SNAKE, OKAY? I HATE SNAKES. I HATE ANIMALS AND DOGS AND JUST EVERYTHING. I'M VOLDEMORT, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? IT'S NOT REALLY SUPRISING.

DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE SNAKES OF THAT QUALITY ARE? THEY ARE A LOT, OKAY? AND WHAT DO I GET FOR IT? SOME FUCKING KID IN A BLOODY CARDIGAN SLICING IT'S HEAD OFF. A CARDIGAN? REALLY? A CHILD IN A CARDIGAN OF ALL THINGS KILLED MY LAST HORCRUX?

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY RALLYS I HAD TO PULL OFF TO RECRUIT DEATH EATERS? IT WAS A LOT, OKAY? I HATE PEOPLE AND I HAD TO TALK TO THEM ALL AND EVERYTHING. THEY EVEN EXPECTED ME TO SOCIALISE.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW MANY BRIBES I HAD TO MAKE? MOST OF THEM WERE CAKE. DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH CAKE I LOST.

AND THEN I DIED. AFTER ALL OF THAT. I JUST DIED.

Also, do you realise that I am now a Halloween joke to children now?

"If you say 'Tom Riddle' three times into the mirror he'll appear"

Every Halloween I get stupid kids summoning me to these mirrors against my will.

As if that isn't bad enough I get summoned by that stupid little colour changing child every year and he just looks at me like "Hey, you killed my parents. Fuck you"

And I'm all "why can't you just leave me in hell?"

Then there's Potter who does the exactly same just so he can laugh at me.

I WAS THE DARKEST LORD OF ALL TIME.

YOU HAVE MADE ME INTO A JOKE.

If you don't fix the ending so that I win I swear that random stuff will be floating around your house in the night, Paranormal Activity style.

And it will be me and Bellatrix.

(and possibly Snape)

And you will never sleep again.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

The bestest, Darkest Lord.


A/N: Hey look it's an update from that girl who never updated so everybody forgot about her.

The only excuse I could think of included like flying to the moon or something. Mmhm.

In other news 'Dear Mum and Dad' is still getting hella reviews and favourites, which confuses me as it was simply a oneshot but nonetheless, due to this I have been considering writing a oneshot/short multi-chap centred around that... universe? Whatever. Basically, centred around Teddy and his family. I'm still not sure though so, if you happen to have read that oneshot, I would appreciate an opinion on whether I should do that or not. I'm pretty sure that didn't make sense but I'm bloody knackered so ohwell.

Also, I just realised that it's actually been six months and the only things I've posted were like two small chapters. Sorry!

(Yes, Voldemort is out of character. He's meant to be. Sassy!Voldemort)