Author's notes: This must have been the longest hiatus I ever dared torture you with - I'm sorry! Luckily, I've a bit of time on my hands now and I intend to divide it between this foc and my newest sorry effort "The Prize".

Kasahara having been fed so many half-truths at this point in time makes it a challenge for me as the author to keep in mind how much he knows by now. That's one of the reasons why it took forever and ever to finish the next chapter – I had to double-check all the time!

Enjoy :-)

CHAPTER TWELVE

/\/

"What's that you've got there?" Kagetora asked and nodded towards the sheet of paper Kiheiji was shoving around on the surface of the kitchen table with a delicate finger. For the first time since his return to work after his sick leave, they were able to have breakfast together: fruit loops for Kiheiji, miso soup and umeboshi for Kagetora. It was a source of never-ending astonishment for Kagetora how his son managed to digest dairy products without any problems. A bowl of cereals with milk would have had him convulsing in pain, he knew.

Kiheiji let the piece of paper float across the table to where his mother was taking a sip of her soup. Kagetora took it and immediately noticed the school crest in the upper right corner. His first thought was of having to appear for a chat with the principal again and how he was going to work that in between shifts. When he scanned the text he felt a bit ashamed for immediately suspecting his son of misbehaving.

Dear parents, blah blah upcoming field trip to Kyushu blah blah blah 60,000 Yen, we kindly ask you for advance payment BLAH Please sign to confirm your son's/daughter's participation.

Ouch. Kagetora couldn't suppress a grimace at the prospect of having to scrape up such a sum on short notice, but that couldn't be helped. He fished a ball-pen out of a drawer and set to sign the paper when he caught sight of the expression on his son's face. "What is it?"

Kiheiji hesitated. His face was carefully blank when he said, "It's a camping trip."

Oh.

"They said we're going to look at active volcanoes."

"I see."

Everybody else in his class was probably thinking this awesome. Kagetora chose his next words very carefully. "Kiheiji, if you don't want to go, you don't have to. That's perfectly all right. In that case, I'll talk to your teachers, so don't worry."

In all honesty, he wasn't too keen on letting Kiheiji out of sight at this point in time. Logically, the boy was even safer away from him where he wasn't going to get mixed up in Kagetora's battles. Emotionally, though, he couldn't picture a safer place for his son than right under his wing, even with Ranmaru on the move.

"Okay." Kiheiji fixated his breakfast bowl as if there were something truly fascinating inside. It wasn't lost on Kagetora, though, how his shoulders relaxed a bit.

My brave little adult, Kagetora thought. He would have soldiered on. If I hadn't asked, he never would have mentioned that he's uncomfortable with any of this.

Kagetora was aware that Kiheiji was keeping things from him, particularly things that the young boy felt might upset him. He'd never been able to hide from his son that having to provide for the two of them put a strain on him. The older Kiheiji got the more he understood the precarious situation his mother was in – and in turn, the young boy tried not to give her any more reason to worry and more often than not kept his grievances to himself not to add to Kagetora's adult – and therefor presumably more important – sorrows.

Kagetora who had done his fair share of reading on child psychology during the last ten years knew the mechanisms of such behaviors very well – both from his studies and from his own childhood several lifetimes ago. The circumstances had been very different, of course, but he had done exactly the same thing as a young boy and a teenager.

From a four-hundred years distance, it was easy to see that he had taken it on himself to protect his family from the knowledge of his violation. It was the natural thing to do after fifteen years of trying his utmost to make them proud, to please them, to spare them sorrow. Unconsciously, his whole thinking had revolved around to give them as little reason to worry about him as possible.

Later, he had done the same with Kenshin who had been much more perceptive of the sometimes turbulent currents underneath the surface of Kagetora's calm and controlled demeanor. But by then, Kagetora had become a master at hiding his feelings, so Kenshin, too, had never been able to reach through the various layers of sadness within his adopted son.

And by the time he had become the general of the Meikai Uesugi Army, those patterns were so firmly in place, they had practically taken on a life of their own – he didn't even realize them anymore. He dealt with everything in the same dutiful, professional manner, gave every matter his full attention… as long as it didn't concern himself. If it did – well, then it couldn't be that important, could it? Naoe who was inching closer and closer over the centuries, being provided with a lot of insights Kagetora would have much rather kept from him, had caught on that anomaly before he ever had the chance to. It was part of what made him shy from his vassal's attentions.

Now, however, he was on the other side of the fence. He was the parent watching his child employ the very same tactics he was so familiar with. Slightly preoccupied with Kasahara and his training during the last weeks, he felt that it was high time to spend some time with his son

"I wouldn't want to go camping either," he said softly trying to convey the fact that backing out of this was nothing to feel guilty for. "Since you'll be here the first week of May when your whole class is on Kyushu, we could do something together – if you'd like that."

"Sure thing." A tiny smile appeared on Kiheiji's face.

"Now get ready for school, you don't want to be late." Filling Kiheiji's lunch box with tamagoyaki and apple rabbits, Kagetora promised himself to force through a day off to spend with his son and if it was the last thing he ever did.

/\/

Kasahara Yuuto was studying his own features in the bathroom mirror.

Feathery hair fell into his forehead, brushing the brows with narrow, dark eyes underneath. High cheekbones and a straight, slender nose. The paleness was owed to both his indoor office job and the cold light of the bare bulb in his bathroom. He recognized the face as his now – unlike during those first days in the hospital at Aso all these years ago when he had started into the mirror at length, never able to make sense of what the reflection presented him with. Living with this appearance for the last ten years had meant somewhat getting used to it.

So many years had he spent trying to find out who Kasahara Yuuto was, to remember what it had been like to walk in his shoes. As it turned out, he'd been looking for a person who never existed.

Instead, he had found something much greater, someone very different from anything he had ever assumed about himself.

Kasahara turned off the light and walked over into his bedroom. The city lights outside the window illuminated the room just about enough for him to find his way. Leaning against the window frame, he watched the people down on the street, on their way home, towards the metro station, into the restaurants, the supermarkets – imagining to be one of them, to have a life, a purpose, a family. He wondered if his constant feeling out of place during the last years was solely based on his memory loss.

For certain, this new world where spirits possessed and repossessed bodies was not what he'd been imagining for himself then. But he had to admit that the predefined structures of that existence held great appeal.

He knew now that the small deity in Minako's living room was the war-god Bishamonten. He knew what the letter Bai on Sasaki-sensei's script roll meant. He had heard of Uesugi Kenshin, the wars he had fought during his lifetimes and the mission he had trusted them all with after their deaths.

None of these things were memories of his, however. And unfortunately, he couldn't remember being Naoe Nobutsuna either. In conversation with Minako, he occasionally used the pronoun "I" when speaking of Nobutsuna. Inwardly, he wasn't even on first name basis with the guy.

He laughed softly. Whom was he kidding? He most likely would have accepted anything, any calling, any explanation, any mission – as long as it meant staying close to Minako. Or Kagetora as he probably should call her now. After she'd remained just out of his grasp for so long, he felt that he finally had some kind of claim over her.

/\/

The body felt different.

How so, Kagetora couldn't really put his finger on, but he'd definitely become more mindful of it recently and that was saying something. It had always taken him a long time to adjust to new vessels, in all his lifetimes. He had gone whole lifetimes without the obliviousness that comes with being familiar with your own body without ever giving it a second thought.

Possessing Minako's shell had been even more difficult. He'd never quite lost the feeling of not only being in the wrong body, but of being in the wrong kind of body.

There were certain experiences that were all his own, though: Giving birth to Kiheiji, as she would have liked to do herself for all he knew if he hadn't stolen that chance from her. Smoking which was certainly a habit she never would have picked up on her own.

And now – being touched by Kasahara in kind. It was this touch that made Kagetora more aware of his own skin and how he felt in it. Not that they were touching on a regular basis. But with the two times they had kissed, somehow the man's hands and lips had left their imprint on him in so short a time. And he couldn't say whether the touch was pleasant or revolting. It felt just… outlandish.

He also felt guilty because he was convinced he was violating Minako's involuntary gift to him by exposing the body willingly to the touch of anybody she hadn't chosen she wanted to be touched by. But especially, he should avoid the touch of Naoe Nobutsuna – even if the man couldn't remember the reason why he was untouchable to Kagetora, even more so than ever before.

/\/

Outside the train window, rocks and trees were blurring into a green and brown tapestry before Kasahara's eyes. For the first time ever since he had learned of his past lives as Naoe Nobutsuna, he had to leave Tokyo for a business trip and take a break from his training.

There were lessons he could practice on his own, of course: simple mantras, levitating pebbles, lessons in Buddhist philosophy and basic Sanskrit vocabulary. But when it came to putting theory to practice, to perform real invocations, he depended on Minako being there for guiding him – or for limiting the damage he caused. For that purpose, they had found themselves a deserted industrial area in the South Tokyo.

She was a good teacher, curious about how he was perceiving this new world opening up to him. She was also patient with his occasional frustrations when something didn't work out in spite of repeated trials. More than once she commented on the high standards he had always demanded of himself. It was the way they had been brought up, all of them, she said. Part of that medieval culture might live on in him, with or without his memories.

In moments like this, when she was speaking with such conviction, it was easy to imagine that she was really a man, that she had led armies into battle, that she still commanded this Meikai Uesugi Army thing the exact size and setup of which he still had to figure out.

No wonder had she been flabbergasted at his tries to woo her at first. It was hard not to laugh at himself in retrospect. Again he wondered how Minako's husband had fared with winning her heart. Had she been more accessible towards him from the start?

With his mind torn between thoughts of Minako and catching up with his own centuries-old existence as a possessor, he was hardly able to concentrate on his work anymore. There were some holes in the tapestry, some logical faults that he couldn't explain to himself yet. So many things did he want to ask her, so much he had to find out.

He smiled. There were centuries together ahead of them. He had all the time in the world.

/\/

"It can't go on. I'm telling him tonight when he comes back from his business trip."

Kagetora wasn't looking at Haruie when he spoke those words, busying himself with his tea cup instead. Only when his announcement wasn't met with a reply other than silence, did he look up to meet her eyes which were curious but not surprised.

He shook his head. "A man dating a woman would expect her to sooner or later sleep with him. If he's the old-fashioned sort, he'd want to get married first, but anyway – that's what relationships between men and women boil down to. Correct me if I'm wrong."

In spite of their shared centuries, it felt beyond strange speaking about these matters. During the first years he had spent as a woman, Haruie had been a source of help regarding how to behave, dress, move, and how not to... And she had always been completely unobtrusive about it, never making a big deal of his possessing a female body.

All this had given a whole new dimension to his relationship with Haruie, he thought – even more so than two centuries ago when she had become a female and he had started to feel more comfortable with her than ever before. Now for a moment, he felt nothing but grateful that she had never in the slightest way tried to talk him into trying 'it' out as a woman at least once. It would have been possible for her – Haruie had been a male once and she'd undoubtedly had a good experience with the young doctor she had wanted to spend her life as a woman with. But she had never as much as hinted at the topic.

And now when he was finally addressing this aspect of his femininity, she seemed neither surprised nor taken aback by his unusual forthcoming.

"No," she conceded calmly. "You're not wrong. It will become important sooner or later."

Kagetora nodded briefly, satisfied that Haruie subscribed to his opinion. Surely, she would also support his decision to talk to –

"Are you still taking those contraception pills?"

Kagetora's mouth fell open at the unexpected question. "You… know why I'm taking those," he answered Haruie's question in a slightly uncertain tone.

For all the unpleasantness of an unwanted pregnancy, there was a time limit to this kind of condition. There were, however, challenges about permanently possessing a woman's body that he hadn't considered. He didn't recall Minako ever complaining about this monthly affliction. So he either owed his increased sensitivity to the recent pregnancy or the circumstances under which he had come to possess this body. Or maybe she just had been less of a wimp than he was, Kagetora figured.

He went through the cramps and migraines for a few months before he mentioned them to Irobe. As a matter of fact, he only did so because he was starting to get so sick that it interfered with looking after Kiheiji. The contraception pills had been Irobe's suggestion.

To say that Kagetora was stunned by the idea would have been an understatement. "Actually, I don't plan on –"

"I didn't mean to imply anything. A lot of women also take them for medical reasons. Why don't you try them for a couple of months to test if they reduce the symptoms?"

The pink little pills had indeed done the trick so thoroughly that Kagetora depended on them to this day.

"I just think now wouldn't be the time to discontinue them all of a sudden..." Haruie was completely casual about this, no doubt referring to the pill's original intended purpose.

Kagetora spluttered. "What do you mean – aren't you listening, I just said I want to talk to him today and tell him we can't continue with this –"

"I know it's what you've planned, but in such matters… Things often don't work out as planned. Your mind may want one thing and your heart pulls you into a different direction. So don't be surprised if that happens tonight."

This sounded disquieting to say the least, all the more so because as a matter of fact Haruie possessed worlds more experience in these things than he could hope or dread to acquire.

Haruie was watching him. "Look, you're making much too big of a deal out of this", she said not unfriendly. "Just take things as they come and decide based on your mood in that very moment what you want to do and how much of it."

She made it sound as if he were the only person involved, Kagetora thought incredulously, as if anything that happened would necessarily depend on his wishes alone.

At times it was hard to believe that Haruie had ever been exposed to an enemy's court as a youth. As much as Kagetora would have liked to believe that Odawara under his family's rule had been a place where a youth wouldn't have to guard his virtue against unsought-after advances, it simply wasn't the case. Nobody knew better than himself, after all. But here Haruie who had been a hostage in Odawara once upon a time was speaking so casually about the other side of things, about wanting to touch someone, implying that one should know what one wanted in the first place.

I don't know what I want. When he touches me, I just can't say whether I like it or not. On some level, it's not unpleasant and he's certainly never hurt me so far, but nonetheless I was always relived when it was over. Still, I want him to keep – wanting. I don't think I can do without being wanted by him. I just wish there wasn't any touching involved. It was a mistake to ever let that happen in the first place. I was just too naive – again –

He shook his head to stop his thoughts from babbling.

Haruie had been watching him. "Don't overanalyze this, okay? Do something fun today that will take your mind of what you'll say when you meet him."

Kagetora remembered all of a sudden what he had planned for the afternoon. "Well, I'm not sure if it'll be fun but I've something planned for today that will definitely distract me." He allowed himself a tiny smile.

"And what's that?"

"I'll pay a visit to Nagahide."

/\/

After a typical Wednesday morning with three lectures in a row, Yasuda Nagahide was looking forward to the quiet of his office. He even managed to dodge the faculty secretary who as usual tried to engage him in meaningless conversation. His joy was short-lived, though. Someone was standing at the window of his refuge, looking over the university grounds outside.

Nagahide was slightly put off by how well he recognized Kitazato Minako's light frame with the long hair even with her facing away from him. She was clad in a pair of pale yellow trousers and a black blouse. The woman turned around and Nagahide met his lord's amber gaze for the first time in ten years. "Good morning, Nagahide."

As if they had parted the evening before, he thought. And on reasonably good terms, too.

"Kagetora." He paused. "You seem to be doing well."

Kagetora lightly stepped closer, his eyes – unchanged, unchangeable for four-hundred years – never leaving Nagahide's. "Those last years have been quiet, haven't they?"

He wasn't going on a guilt-trip here, just because he had found an occupation more to his taste than suffering round eleven-hundred and fifty-two between the temperamental lord and his lovesick protector, both of which happened be his closest comrades in arms. So if Kagetora believed he could be insinuated into a bad conscience, he had another think coming. Attack was the best defense he had, Nagahide decided. "Your father is… worried about you. I assume Kōsaka already told you that?"

Kagetora had his dead lover's once so expressive features under perfect control. "You have communicated with him?"

Nagahide suppressed a painful grimace at the memory. "In a dream once." Kagetora was watching him sharply. If Nagahide was correct, this was a difficult topic for both of them. They had both shirked their responsibility to Kenshin, if for very different reasons. As a result, he was phrasing his next words much more carefully than he would have liked. "From what I understood he's been trying to contact you but found himself unable to. A concealment, is that it?"

Kagetora was silent for a long moment. "Did Kōsaka tell you that he got into a fight with Mori Ranmaru?"

Typical for him to change topics now. "Yes, he also mentioned the earth quake a few months ago was the result of that." They rolled their eyes at each other, for once in complete agreement about their fellow kanshousha's slip-ups.

"He believes Ranmaru was trying to bring Nobunaga back."

Nagahide deadened his voice as he let loose a string of expletives. He should have expected something drastic when Kagetora showed up himself.

"I doubt that's the case, though", Kagetora added calmly. "Or if so, he wasn't successful yet. Otherwise Nobunaga would have shown up at my doorstep before long to help himself to my head."

Nagahide gave him a sharp look. "You know I kind of expected you to finish that business at Aso once and for all."

"That's fascinating. I kind of expected my soul to be extinguished, but to each their own delusions."

Nagahide's curiosity was picked. He and Haruie had died prior to the climax of the battle so he'd never found out what actually happened. "It got that bad, huh? So how did you get out of there at all?"

Kagetora hesitated. "You probably don't remember this if you ever knew, but Minako was left-handed."

"So?"

"So I inherited certain reflexes from her that made it possible to dodge Nobunaga's hakonha in an unexpected manner."

"You stepped to the wrong side, you mean?" Nagahide asked incredulously.

"Turned out it was the right one."

It did make sense, Nagahide decided. Nobunaga had been that familiar with Kagetora's fighting style by then, he never would have seen it coming. Incredible. Almost like a shield she had employed to protect her beloved… "You won your duel then."

Kagetora inclined his head.

"And Nobunaga?"

"I failed to exorcise him, as you've noticed already, and I was in no condition to go after him right away."

"You didn't want to get rid of the body", Nagahide asserted. "So you decided to go ahead and have the child and the three of you have been a happy family ever since?"

Kagetora remained conspicuously calm at his brash way of speaking. This more than anything gave Nagahide a heads-up that something big was about to come, something Kagetora wasn't comfortable talking about. "No. I've been out of touch with Naoe for almost as long as I've been with you. We reunited only a few months ago."

"Okay. That's it."

Kagetora raised a brow at him.

"Look, I can believe that you shied from telling your father what happened and went into hiding. I also know I got my reasons to stay away from you all. But Naoe? There's no way in hell he'd ever separate from you, especially not… with what you were facing at the time."

"What a delicate way to phrase it", Kagetora replied with a slight smirk.

"We were speaking of Naoe", Nagahide reminded, refusing to dash against another smokescreen put up by his lord. "Are you going to tell me he kept away from you willingly for a decade? What the hell's been going on?" As Kagetora remained silent, an idea arose in his mind. "Did you blackmail him into keeping his distance? You used what happened with Minako –"

"Nothing just happened with Minako", Kagetora spit, his self-control seeming to crack for a moment.

There were lots of things Nagahide would have wanted to reply, his major point being that Kagetora himself had played a decisive role in the staging of the incident, how he had all but driven Naoe down that path, how he was far from innocent of Minako's death. But for some reason it was difficult to come up with anything of that now that Kagetora's angry tiger's eyes were staring at him from Kitazato Minako's delicate face.

A shield, Nagahide thought again. To protect Kagetora from those who wish to harm him.

He took a deep breath. "How long has Ranmaru been on the move?"

If Kagetora was surprised by him deflating all of a sudden, he didn't show it. "Naoe, Kōsaka and I came across Ranmaru on April 18 when we engaged him in a short fight. Unfortunately, he escaped and there hasn't been a sign of him ever since. He could be trying to resurrect Nobunaga as we speak and we'd be none the wiser until it's too late."

"That's why you came here then? To order me back so I can help you track down Ranmaru? You don't need me, Kagetora, especially not for that. You have Haruie –"

"It's Haruie's special gift, I agree. I don't need you for that. I'm here to invite you to my home because I'd like you to meet my son."

For once in his headstrong career, his words deserted him. Torn between the urge to laugh and the desire to wring Kagetora's neck, Nagahide shook his head. Preposterous as it was, he'd been outmaneuvered with this one. Kagetora knew he couldn't resist. He had wanted to meet that child ever since he had come to understand that it had actually been born – the offspring of two people so close to him.

"A child of you two can only be a real brat," he bit out, but Kagetora's half-smile told him that he had been seen through.

"You're in for a surprise, I daresay." Kagetora came up to his desk and reached for one of the pencils lying around. "This is where I live", he pointed out as he noted down the address on the backside of a writing pad. As he got ready to leave, he turned around one more time.

"Oh, and Nagahide?" He was definitely smiling now. "Try not to lead Ranmaru there when you come to visit."

/\/

Kagetora was shifting from one foot to the other in front of Kasahara's apartment block. Seven p.m. – the streets were getting darker by the minute and it had started to rain a few moments ago. Kasahara's neighbors were leaving and entering the building, throwing more or less inconspicuous glances at him standing there in his light clothing without an umbrella or a coat.

He was beyond the point of caring about how this looked like to people.

He had thought about what he was going to say all day. Work and his little trip to university had managed to distract him from the task ahead which he was grateful for. Part of him regretted that he'd been unable to tell Nagahide about Naoe's sealed memories. But if he'd revealed the truth about Naoe's state of mind, Nagahide would have stormed off immediately to find their amnesiac comrade. Chances were that he still would try to do so, but Kagetora had at least won some time.

As for Naoe, there was no possibility that they could sever all contact, they were still master and retainer, depending on each other's support. But their professional relationship provided all the more reason to cut out the affectionate undertones that had recently slipped in. He felt bad for the little sneak attack he had planned, but he strongly felt that this matter could not be delayed any further.

When Kasahara finally came around the corner, he merely turned his head a little bit into his direction, but the man noticed him at once. A pleasantly surprised smile lit up his tired features. "Minako-san. Did we have an appointment?"

Kagetora shook his head, suddenly unable to form words. He gave Kasahara a quick once-over: he looked impeccable although having just finished a very strenuous business trip. Except that he had loosened his tie somewhat and opened the first two buttons of his white shirt. Kagetora suddenly recalled how this had been a habit of Naoe's also, pretty much ever since western suits had become common in Japan. He had always liked that casual look on Naoe. It looked good on Kasahara, too.

Kasahara's words snapped him back to reality. "It's a very pleasant surprise seeing you, then. Have you been waiting long?"

"No", Kagetora managed in a slightly breathless voice. He wanted to say more, but for some reason this was all that came out. It had been four days since they'd last seen each other. Maybe this was the reason for the strange euphoria that had gripped him the second Kasahara came into his view.

Kasahara studied him in return. "You're soaked", he said with a small laugh. "And I'm getting there as well. May I invite you in?"

Kagetora's heart skipped a beat. This certainly wasn't how he'd been planning things to go. He had wanted to break the news to Kasahara, then leave immediately. The rain had thwarted his plans, it seemed – the rain and the fact that he was so ridiculously happy about seeing Kasahara again.

When he didn't answer to the suggestion, Kasahara gave the heavens an exasperated gaze. "I guess there is no mudra we can use to make it stop?" It was a rhetorical question for sure. He laughed again. "We can exorcise the undead but when it comes to a little shower, we're completely helpless?" he asked, making sure to tone his voice down. "Come." He took Kagetora's hand, ready to pull him inside, into the warmth, but something must have shown in his face that made the man hesitate.

His smile deepened as his other hand came up to touch Kagetora's face, fingers brushing over his cheek, wet skin on wet skin. In a gentle, fluent movement, the man tilted his head up and pulled him closer. Kasahara's lips were cold from the rain the first moments, but very soon warmth seeped through and he quickly became lost in the scent of the man.

The strangest feeling seized him. It was reminiscent of driving downwards in an elevator. His stomach seemed to stay behind and then drop back where it belonged with a vaguely fluttering sensation. How odd.

"Come", Kasahara said again. This time Kagetora let himself be pulled inside.

They had crossed the border, he thought dizzily, to a strange, new land the geography of which he couldn't even remotely guess at. Kasahara was supposed to be the blind person here, but instead the man was leading the way as if he knew exactly which path to follow and all Kagetora could do was hold on tight to his hand.

/\/

Author's note: *sigh*

Next chapter:

He could feel the warmth of Kasahara's fingers on the back of his hand and the equally warm and silky texture of the man's skin under his palm.

"See. Nothing dangerous here."

You've no idea, Kagetora thought.