12
"So let me get this straight. Elliot has been back in your life for well over a week now, he's single, and you two aren't-"
"Casey!" Olivia interrupted her before she could finish the sentence.
She got up from the couch, her cellphone still clutched tightly in her hand before making her way to the kitchen area. Olivia had just spent the last thirty minutes giving Casey a play by play of the events leading up to last night. Casey was one of the only coworkers she's had that has come to be more of a close friend. While they didn't see each other often, they made sure to keep in touch. And she was one of Olivia's greatest supports when Elliot left the squad two years ago.
"I just can't believe that he's finally single and you aren't acting on it."
"It's not that easy, Casey."
She could picture Casey leaning her had back and dramatically rolling her eyes.
"I think it's pretty damn easy, Benson. Next time you see him, jump his fucking bones."
Olivia closed the fridge with a little more force than necessary. She leaned cautiously against the counter and shut her eyes tightly, trying to forget the images that just swarmed her head. She pushed her fingers into the space below her collar bone while silently encouraging herself to breathe.
"Did you forget the part where he's a recovering alcoholic and last night I drank an entire bottle of wine because I felt sorry for myself?"
She was met with silence on the other end of the line and she paced nervously around her kitchen.
She knew that Elliot would be calling her soon, and she was very much aware that the phone call may not be a positive one. From what Olivia could remember of last night, Elliot didn't seem bothered or even phased by Olivia in that state. But she wasn't exactly in her right mind and she could have very well read him wrong. It would make sense for Elliot to be upset with Olivia's drinking.
You're not a problem drinker, Olivia.
She knows that she doesn't need to drink, and she doesn't miss it when she doesn't. She just hopes that Elliot knows that. Even so, it couldn't have been easy for him. She isn't sure where he is in his recovery when it comes to drinking. Can he walk into a bar, or go out with friends while they have drinks and he stays sober? Or does he avoid anything that could potentially put him in a bad situation. They haven't talked about that. She doesn't know this new side of Elliot yet.
"Are you willing to give that up for him?"
"What?" Olivia questioned.
She would give up anything to keep him this time.
"Oh, you mean alcohol," Olivia exhaled.
Almost as if Casey had read her mind, she thought to herself.
"I could give it up, no second thoughts," she told her friend through the phone.
And that was the truth. For the life of her she can't figure out why she ever thinks it's a good idea to fall to the bottle. She has better, healthier ways of dealing with her stresses. She can call Casey, go for a run, she can even schedule an appointment to see a therapist like she has sometimes done.
She has never had any problems confiding in anybody -except for Elliot.
She couldn't deny that. As partners they kept their feelings to themselves. There were times when emotions would scratch the surface during a tough case, but at the end of the week they went back to not talking about their feelings. Somehow they managed to form one of the closest friendships Olivia had ever had without really indulging in intimacy, whether physical or emotional.
"So what exactly is holding you guys back, then?"
Everything.
Elliot has only been back in her life for a moment, and while the may have known each other for over a decade, they were nothing short of strangers now.
And he hurt you.
She can't forget that. While everything within her is saying he won't leave again, she reminds herself that she didn't ever think he would leave two years ago. He may have had a dependency on alcohol before the Jenna incident, she can't blame his sudden departure on that. Maybe it was a mix of a lot of things.
None of that matters now.
"I think..." she said slowly. "That I need to forgive him first," she said the words with a surprised tone, as if just coming to the realization herself.
Maybe that was what was holding the back. In one way, she trusted Elliot with her life. She knows that he would always be willing to sacrifice himself for her. It was something that came with job, and with being such close partners. There was one part of her that she didn't trust him, or anybody with, though.
Her heart.
It was after eight and Olivia was starting to think that he wouldn't call. She had just finished putting dinner away and was starting the shower when she heard her phone ring from the other room. She had never dashed so quickly and completely naked from one room to the other in order to catch a call before it ended.
"Benson," she said breathlessly without getting a chance to look at the caller ID.
"Liv...you okay?"
She placed a trembling finger over the mic and took a moment to catch her breath.
"Liv?"
"Hey, Elliot. Sorry I was..."
Naked and afraid I'd miss your call.
"Away from the phone," she told him.
She heard his small fit of laughter through the phone and Olivia silently made her way back into the bathroom. She shut the water off and threw on a bath robe before climbing into her bed, looking up at her apartment ceiling. She was overcome with the relief that he had called as promised, but with that relief came the fears of how this conversation might go.
"How've you been?" He asked.
"Fine," she said matter of factly. "I've just been catching up on house work."
And catching up with Casey, she thought to herself.
"I'm sorry I left out of there so early."
"Honestly El, I'm surprised you even stayed. But that reminds me." She paused for just a moment. "Where are you working now?"
There was a comfortable silence and Olivia put a hand over her eyes.
"Probation and parole," he answered after a moment. "I'm an exit counselor. It's not my dream job, but it keeps me busy."
Wow, she thought. Probation and parole. She never would have guessed Elliot would move on the sheriffs department. Then again, she never would have expected him to leave SVU or to become addicted to alcohol. Maybe, she realized, she didn't know him as well as she thought she did.
"I would have kissed you."
Olivia sat upright so quickly her head started spinning. For the life of her she couldn't figure out what he was talking about and she now wonders if she tried to do anything embarrassing with her partner yesterday.
"El, I-"
"Last night," he interrupted. "I would have." His tone was dark and she could picture him so clearly in this moment. His eyes would be narrow, with one eyebrow raised as if daring her to question his intentions.
Oh.
She remembers it then, just like she had this morning. And the familiar feeling creeps in to her core.
You can't kiss me, I'm drunk.
Jesus, what was she thinking?
You weren't.
"It's uhm...probably best that you didn't though."
If Elliot could still read her, she knows he would see right through that last comment. The words sounded so fake coming out of her own mouth, she wouldn't be surprised if he called her on it right now.
She almost wishes he would.
"I don't think it would have been that bad," he joked and suddenly they were both laughing through the phone.
"Me drunk and you a recovering alcoholic? It certainly would have been."
And then he wasn't laughing anymore and Olivia would do anything to take those last words back. She could hear his uneven breaths and she was reminded of the first night she called him in the phone booth.
Say something, she pleaded. Anything.
Olivia was up and pacing the room again. She wishes it could be as easy as Casey seems to think it would be. She wishes they could just forget everything, and start new. Because she wanted it, she realized. This side of Elliot that she has only known for a short while. Elliot may have broken her into a thousand pieces two years ago, but she still wanted every part of him she could have.
Even if meant he could hurt her again.
"I don't think you're an alcoholic, Liv."
She breathed a sigh of relief and leaned against her bedroom wall.
There was an awkward pause and Olivia felt that he wasn't finished with his train of thought.
"But..."
And there it was, as she expected. She waited patiently, her hand clutching the phone tightly and her lower lip pulled painfully between her teeth.
"I'm only six months in, Liv. So you know I can't drink or be around-"
"People who drink," she finished his sentence.
She shouldn't be surprised. But the realization hits her and she feels an emptiness in her stomach. She knows he doesn't mean it, but his words hurt her to her very core. And she wants to take back last night because she doesn't want Elliot to doubt her. Olivia doesn't depend on alcohol, and Elliot needs to believe that.
"I don't need it," she finally tells him. "And if that's what I need to give up to keep you in my life...consider it done."
It would be so easy, she tells herself. And it's the truth.
"You can always talk to me," he added.
That's what she wants. To be able to talk to Elliot about her worst days and her best. If there was one thing that Elliot has proven to her in the past weeks, it's that he is more than willing to share all of his demons with her. He has been nothing but honest from day one outside of the precinct, even if his honesty stings at her heart sometimes.
After a few minutes, they changed the topic of their conversation to a lighter subject. They stayed on the phone for another hour before Elliot reluctantly had to go.
That night, Olivia went to bed with a clear mind and an ache in her chest. The next time she saw Elliot, she told herself, she would make sure he knew how much he meant to her.
He was worth the second chance.
