Hey, this is Rvn. Soooo if you notice the alphabet in parenthesis, bold, and italics, that's my version of a transitional break. See, AO3 has a neat line you can put in to show where a scene changes to a different time or sifts to another character's view…IT DOESN'T SHOW UP FOR AND MAKES MY STORIES LOOK JUMBLED AND SHITTY AF! Therefore, I hope this works as a transition break.
Anyways, we're coming to the end here folks! Just one chapter left and possibly an Epilogue! THEN IM FREE!
Just a reminder, as soon as this ends, I'll be taking requests for prompts! This is your chance to see your favorite kinks/fetishes/scenarios fleshed out and posted for your pleasure! If you have an idea, please leave it in a comment on either here or AO3 (btw, I prefer AO3)
ALSO! The net major chapter fic I'll be doing is an ABO au starring out two favorite elf bois! Lots of comedy! Lots of smex! Lots of sexism (what wha?) But not so much that It'll turn the entire thing into an angsty train wreck LIKE THIS FIC MY GAWD I WANT IT TO BE OVER KILL ME!
Anyways, I'm done, Trigger warning for a SEVERE panic attack. ENJOY!
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Jak staggered into his apartment, scurrying directly to the bathroom to clean his hands. He'd wiped his hand on the concrete before leaving the Naughty Ottsel's rooftop, but there were still dried remnants of his shame. He turned on the faucet and scrubbed hard, trying to erase the evidence of how badly this was affecting him.
He still felt dirty.
Growling in frustration, he started removing his clothes to take a scorching shower, hoping it would help clear his mind of the anger and confusion.
You'll never get clean…
He glared at the face in the mirror…his face…though it wore a twisted smirk; condescending and disgusted.
He made sure of that.
He flinched briefly and stepped into the shower, blasting the water at full heat. As he stood under the spray, he couldn't stop his mind from wandering to…him. All this time…Torn had been toying with his emotions…playing with his body…all the while knowing that Jak was falling in love with his fake persona.
But why go that far? Why create a fake person just to mess with me?
Maybe he was curious. He wanted to see what it was like fucking a freak.
But why did he continue coming back? Why did he stick around and hang out like we were dating?
He admitted that he was "sick"…perhaps he planned this all along. He toyed with your feelings and made you love him…just so it would hurt even more when he broke your heart.
But if that were true…why did he say "I love you" then reveal himself? Why did he look so…broken?
Perhaps he was just trying to save himself…hoping that you would have mercy on him if he looked pathetic enough. Seems like it worked.
He closed his eyes, planting both hands on the tile wall as burning water sprayed his back. He remembered the feeling of Torn in his arms. He was trembling…sobbing. He felt the wetness of his tears against his neck, the hiccupping rise and fall of his shoulders.
This man who held his head high, who commanded the attention of the room with his confident stance, whose stern voice inspired and terrified whoever it was aimed to…
This man made himself so small and so vulnerable in his arms, clung to him desperately during the night, gazed at him in the afterglow of sex with so much love and admiration…
When he removed that blue wig, he looked like he was ready to face whatever punishment Jak would give him.
If this really was just a cruel joke to him…none of that would have happened.
He was still upset…he still wanted to wring Torn's neck, beat him into a bloody pulp, scream at him until his throat gave out, slam him against the wall and fuck him until he couldn't walk-
Jak shook his head and sighed in defeat as his cock began to harden again. He was so confused. He couldn't seem to think about Torn without leading back to sex. He lifted his head up under the spray and let it wet his hair before he once again took his cock in his hand.
How fucked up was he that he was now getting off to someone who hurt him…betrayed him…lied to him.
Maybe it was the idea that Torn didn't intend to hurt him? The possibility that he hadn't intended for any of this to go as far as it did? The lingering hope that Torn really did love-
-YOU?! Ha, maybe he loved your dick, but let's be realistic here.
He said he loved me…
You're nothing but a ticking time bomb of rage and hatred!
He said he loved me so much it hurt to be near me.
He could never love someone like you…someTHING like you.
He said he was sick and wrong for it…
You're going to get hurt again.
I need to know what he meant.
You deserve everything you're gonna get.
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"I'm gonna tell him."
Tess rolled her eyes and continued wiping down the bar counter. For the past week, Keira and Tess haven't spoken to another person regarding what Ashelin told them about the situation between Jak and Torn.
(one week ago – The morning after "the incident")
As Ashelin finished unloading what seemed like an avalanche of bullshit and bad times, she sat back on the couch and stared the other two women down, "Listen…I'm not condoning what Torn did. I told him to break it off with Jak the first time. He was going to, but he's fucked up in the head right now…and believe it or not, I think being with Jak did help him…at least it would have helped him if Torn did things the right way."
Keira shifted in her seat. She really did NOT like feeling bad for someone who hurt her dearest friend, but knowing everything that led up to it was making it somewhat tolerable. "Ok, I get it…he's been through some shit. But he still lied and used Jak. Do you know what happened last night? Jak came storming in the bar bloody and stinking of dark eco. Daxter asked him where Reise was and he flipped out on him."
Putting a paw on Keira's large hand, Tess took over, "He scared away every customer we had, looked like he was ready to wreck the place. He just kept screaming about how Torn betrayed him without giving us any details. Then when he finished he just grabbed an entire bottle of booze, the heavy stuff mind you, and left."
"That's when I figured out something must have happened between them…but," Tess looked away, her ears dropping, "Torn…I knew he had a lot of issues, but I didn't think he would go that far for some affection."
Ashelin nodded and sighed, "Loneliness and heartbreak does weird things to people. Especially when you're in love-"
"Don't you dare say that!" Keira narrowed her eyes and snarled, "That. Wasn't. love. You don't do what Torn did to the person you love! If he really 'loved' Jak, he would've told him the truth and THEN told him how he felt."
"Oh, and that's just so easy, is it?" Ashelin sneered, "It's just so easy to go up to someone who you feel is way out of your league and just tell them how you feel. Especially after your mind has been fucked up by your last boyfriend, and your self-esteem has been beaten into the ground. He was ABUSED by someone who he thought loved him; told that he was worthless and unlovable. So excuse him for thinking that Jak would be able to love a version of himself that wasn't damaged."
"So him being a victim of abuse gives him the right to trick someone he 'loved' into sleeping with him?! I don't care what he went through, it was still WRONG!"
"I KNOW it was wrong, I'm not saying it wasn't, I'm just trying to explain why he did it!"
"No," Keira stood up, glaring down at Ashelin, "You're trying to make excuses for him!"
Ashelin's face twisted with rage as she stood and got in Keira's face, "And you're trying to paint Jak as some innocent victim! Need I remind you that HE was the one who propositioned TORN in the first place!"
"He didn't know it was Torn!"
"It was still CONSENSUAL!"
"NO IT WASN'T!"
Tess finally had enough, "JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP, BOTH OF YOU!" She was getting a little tired of being the voice of reason in all these arguments. The other two women both turned to look at the small blonde ottsel.
Tess took a breath before continuing, "Listen…I've known Torn for a long time, not as much or as intimately as you Ashelin but still a long time, and I've known Jak for a long time too, again not as much or intimately as you Keira. However, unlike the two of you, I've actually seen them together. And let me tell you something…in that brief moment where I saw them with each other, it was the happiest I've seen either of them in a long time."
Both Ashelin and Keira sagged a bit. Ashelin sighed, "Yeah, I noticed how happy Torn was. He actually smiled a lot more." She crossed her arms and frowned sadly, "That night when I found him outside my door…he looked so lost…so broken…it was like looking at leftovers."
Keira nodded, "Jak would talk to me about Rei-…about Torn…even though it was a lie…for the first time, he looked like that cheerful boy I knew back in Sandover."
Tess smiled softly, "No one can change what happened…but we also can't ignore the possibility of what can. I think they deserve some happiness. They found it in each other once…if it's meant to be, they can find it again."
(Present time)
"We agreed that we would let them calm down. It's only been a week, they need time-"
Keira shook her head, "Jak's getting worse. I still think he can do better than that filthy liar, but I honestly can't find anyone better." She sighed and took another gulp of her cocktail. "We need to get the ball rolling. He's not going to ask about Torn."
"He will." Tess stepped off the towel she was scooting around the counter on and kicked it back behind the bar, "They need to sort this out at their pace. You know the plan. When Jak starts asking about Torn, we tell him about the letter-"
The bar door swished open and Jak stomped in, "Where's Torn!?"
Both girls blinked in disbelief and Tess murmured, "Well that was anticlimactic."
Jak swiftly moved to the bar and stared Tess down, "He wasn't in his office, neither was Ashelin. The stuck-up soldier in his place said he's 'on vacation'-" he slammed a hand down, dark eco crackling around his hand, "-you're the closest person to him next to Ashe, Tess. Where the FUCK did that coward go?!"
Tess went stiff and her eyes widened with fear. Keira quickly grabbed her and pulled away from Jak before blurting out, "He left you a letter! You should read it!" Jak seemed taken aback by Keira's statement. He narrowed his eyes in confusion, "A…letter?" Keira and Tess both nodded warily.
Jak looked down at his hand and realized that he may have gotten a bit worked up. He closed his eyes, took a breath, then calmly asked, "Where is it?"
"Ashelin has it, she's at her apartment…she's got a cold." Keira relaxed a bit and just before Jak turned and walked away, she grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back, "Wait!"
Jak turned back to his longtime friend and she stared at him for a short while, as if trying to find the right words to say, before saying, "I know he hurt you…and you have every right to be angry with him…but you should let him explain himself." She looked away sadly before whispering so only Jak could hear, "It doesn't excuse him…but it'll give you both the strength to work through this. No matter what…I support you."
Jak's face softened a bit, he looked to Tess and saw her give him a thumbs up, meaning she felt the same. He managed a small smile for them before nodding his head, "That's what I plan on doing…hopefully after I no longer want to strangle him." And with that, he turned and exited the bar, heading for the sick Governess's apartment.
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Ashelin was barely conscious of the knocking at her door. She groaned as her headache intensified with even the thought of having to get up and act civil towards whoever had the balls to disturb her when she was feeling this shitty. Maybe if she just ignored it, they would leave…
BANG BANG BANG
Well, there goes that theory. Sighing audibly, Ashelin kicked off her covers and trudged out of her bedroom, "I'm coming, hold on!" As soon as she reached her front door and hit the button to open it, she was 100% prepared to bitch out whoever was on the other side.
Then she saw who exactly was on the other side…and she really wanted to just hit the button again and go back to sleep, because there was only ONE reason why Jak Mar was standing outside her apartment with a pissed off expression on his face.
She didn't even have time to open her mouth before Jak pushed past her into her living room. Ashelin sighed, "No please, make yourself at home." and closed her door before turning to face the blonde hero.
For a moment, Jak just stood in the room, not looking at the governess. Ashelin had no idea if she should say something, and frankly she was so sick she couldn't give a proper fuck. So, she moved to the kitchen and grabbed a coffee mug, deciding that if this was indeed her last few minutes of life, she would at least spend them caffeinated.
Just as she was filling up her mug, Jak moved into the kitchen and sat down at her Island counter. The image was so familiar, but usually a different person sat where Jak currently was. She wondered if she should offer a cup to Jak. Did he even drink coffee?
"Did you know?"
"Know what?" Ashelin knew exactly what Jak was asking, but honestly, she was still clinging to the hope that he was just here to chat or ask about the weather or-
"That Torn was pretending to be someone else in order to sleep with me?"
Well shit. Ashelin sighed and sipped her coffee, "I knew he was disguised…I actually helped him create the persona." She could practically feel the sudden spark of rage from Jak and quickly continued, "But I never thought he would end up seducing you. It wasn't the plan."
The rage subsided, but was replaced with confusion. The plan? "What do you mean 'plan'?"
"Look…" Ashelin met Jak's eyes and sighed, "It's really not for me to tell you. Torn should be the one to do that…but you should know that Torn never intended to get…intimate with you. I mean, yeah, we went to that club so he could hook up with someone, but he never in a million years thought you would be there. And for the record, when he told me what happened after, I told him that he needed to tell you the truth."
It was a lot to take in, and Jak found some relief that Torn wasn't messing with him out of cruelty…but for the few questions it answered, it created a dozen more. "Where is he, Ashe?"
"I can't say, he didn't tell me exactly where he was going, but…" She placed her mug on the counter and moved to the living room, "He told me to give you this if you wanted answers." She opened an end table drawer and took out an old-fashioned envelope. She moved back to Jak and held out the letter, "I know that he's staying with family in the Icelands, but I think the exact location is in here."
Jak stared at the envelope for a moment before skeptically taking it. His name was written on the front in a handwriting he recognized as Torn's.
He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up at Ashelin, seeing a mix of sadness and empathy as she said, "Hey, for what it's worth…I won't blame you if you can't forgive him…but please, at least hear him out before you decide anything. I've known Torn for a long time…and Let me tell you, he's been happier dating you for one week than he was all throughout the years he was dating me."
That…hit him. Jak wanted to believe it…oh he wanted to believe that Torn's feelings for him were genuine…that those smiles were genuine…that the man who clung to him and choked out broken "I love you"s…actually meant everything he said.
But for some reason…he couldn't. Maybe because it didn't come from Torn himself.
"You can read that whenever you feel ready, but…please…wait until you no longer want to kill him before confronting him."
Jak clenched his jaw and mumbled a quick "thanks" before clutching the envelope to his chest and quickly exiting Ashelin's apartment. He nearly ran to the elevator, unsure if he was eager or anxious to open the letter. Every second waiting for the elevator to drop to the lobby was agonizingly long and only made his trepidation grow. What was in the letter? Was it good? Bad? Did he even want to know?
The doors opened and his feet carried him swiftly through the front doors and out of the building. However, he didn't head toward his own abode…instead he headed towards dead town…or at least what remained...back to Samos's decrepit hutt.
As he entered the wooden relic of his past, he always wondered how the old ruin still stood. It was made from wood after all…and yet it remained. The plants were all rotted away, and it was severely lacking maintenance…but it was still here.
Nevertheless, it still made Jak feel safer and more calm than any other place in Haven. Maybe it was due to nostalgia? Perhaps it was just his own selfish desire to return to happier times. Whatever the reason…this was the best place he could be when he read the letter.
He sat down on the old wooden floor of the hutt and stared at the slightly crumples envelope in his hands. There was a twinge of fear as he turned it over in his hands, staring at the place where it was sealed.
This was ridiculous…he'd fought monsters beyond imagination, faced evils beyond compare, and survived countless horrors. Yet a stupid envelope was giving him more anxiety than all of his experiences combined.
He had to do it now…quickly before he lost his nerve.
He closed his eyes, took a breath, and ripped open the top of the sealed package.
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(One week later)
If someone was out there thinking that one week of good therapy would be enough to heal him, Torn would laugh in their face before curling up into a fetal position and screaming in frustration.
Because that's not how life works.
His first week was great, no doubt. The therapy was helping him, it really was…but treatment takes time…and falling down was normal.
Torn was trying…he really was. He woke up in the mornings and either did Yoga with Tear or joined him on a run. Whenever he felt stressed, he practiced the Katas Dr. Vieda taught him, and when his dark thoughts became too much to bear, he went to the gym and beat the shit out of the punching bags…and occasionally the concrete walls.
Let's just say he was accumulating many more scabs and bruises on his hands these days.
But, as great as these methods helped release his stress temporarily…Torn felt like his dark thoughts stuck to his mind like glue. He could never get clean enough…he could never be calm enough…he could never be happy enough.
Which brings him to the present time, the end of his second week in the Icelands…hanging outside of his brother's tavern at closing time…currently grinding against some random guy he pulled away from his brother's tavern for a quick fuck. He hadn't intended this…he was honestly trying to drown the dark thoughts with alcohol.
But old habits die hard.
He moaned into the older man's mouth as he felt large, calloused hands grip his backside roughly. He originally just was making polite conversation with the guy…some bearded lumberjack? Maybe he was a hunter? Ah, who cares…he was a warm body and a big dick and when Torn started habitually flirting, the old pervert jumped at the chance to use him as a cumdump.
The man's grey-speckled beard was roughly scratching Torn's chin, he was obviously foreign because Icelanders can't grow any type of facial or body hair, and the kiss was all tongue and no passion, but he couldn't care less because it was working. He was beginning to feel the floaty high that came from raw, harsh, emotionless sex.
Although, now that he had to compare it to what he felt with Jak, he was starting to realize that he could never get the same results now that he had a taste of genuine passion…not just a roll in the hay, but real love.
Finally, Torn broke the kiss and pushed against the bigger man's chest. He smirked up at him, trying to muster up a sultry look, "Foreplay's nice, but you ready for something better?" He moved his hand over the other man's groin and stroked his bulge.
Before the man could answer, Torn felt hands wrap around his waist and he was hoisted over a shoulder like a kidnapped princess. When his moment of confusion broke, he heard a familiar voice chime, "Sorry about this, but it seems my dear husband has had a little too much to drink," Eryn gave the man a smile as his grip on Torn tightened, "I'm afraid I'll be taking him home now."
Torn barely got out a word of protest before Eryn turned away from the stunned lumberjack hunter guy and began strutting back to the Tavern, completely unfazed when Torn began kicking and cussing him out. As soon as they entered the empty tavern, Eryn dropped Torn on his ass unceremoniously, right in front of a very angry Tear.
Torn glared up at the two of them, squashing down the welling of shame he felt. He knew what they were going to say…but he didn't care because he was this close to getting some. Even though "getting some" was exactly what he was trying not to do anymore. But that isn't the point, "What the fuck makes you think you have the right!?"
Tear matched his glare and crossed his arms, "Oh, I'm sorry, I was under the impression that you wanted to get better. Silly me. Guess I should just let you go right ahead and act like the biggest majra (whore) in Snowfell!"
"Tear, calm down, it's not his fau-" Eryn moved to place a hand on his twin's shoulder, but Tear wrenched away angrily and growled, "No! Don't you baby him! He knew exactly what the fuck he was doing!" Tear resumed glaring down at his twin, and Torn pushed himself up unsteadily before growling back, "You're damn right I did! And I sure as fuck didn't need you to intervene."
"The hell you didn't!" Tear snarled back, "This is exactly the type of behavior we're trying to stop, and you sure as hell weren't trying to stop anything back there!"
Torn clenched his fists and stormed right up to his twin, getting in his face, "And who the fuck are you to make those decisions for me?! You're not my fucking mother!"
"No, I'm not!" Tear matched Torn's expression, "But you certainly need someone to be if this is how you intend to keep 'making decisions'!"
"Stop treating me like a fucking child! I don't need your help!"
"Then stop acting like a fucking child, Cheiljaing (dumbass)!"
"Oh, we're speaking Isla now? Well listen to this…Mal zu, Mal'in pfutar (fuck off, fucking bastard)!"
"Nire fa ti li o ifro re kio?! Va ara bur o (Why do you have to act like this?! I only want to)-"
"Srio Schaza (just shut up)! You will NEVER understand how I feel so stop trying to!"
And before another word could be said, Torn pushed past his twin and retreated up the stairs to his room. The irony that this was a very childish thing to do was not lost on him, but he couldn't care less at the moment…he just needed to get away.
That's right…run away, it's what you always do.
He grit his teeth, running down the hall towards his room. Why does it seem further away?
Running and fucking. It's all you've ever done right.
He reached his door, fumbled with the key.
What did you think would happen when you came here? That everything would be wonderful? That all would be forgiven? That you would be free from us?
He couldn't breathe. The door opened and he stumbled inside. It didn't help. The door closed behind him and the walls began to close in.
You'll never be better…
His shirt was suffocating him. He shakily pulled it off. No use…he couldn't breathe!
You'll never be forgiven…
He paced, fisted his dreads, trying to calm his breathing…but he couldn't. He was gulping for air, body going cold, he needed to move but he didn't know how…
The world would be better off without you in it…and you know it. Yet here you remain…selfishly making everyone's lives miserable.
He kicked over the chair in his little kitchenette, then picked up the table, throwing it against the wall, miraculously not damaging it. Not enough, the darkness grew…it choked him. He had to get it out.
Look at yourself…throwing a tantrum like you're a teenager again. Why don't you punch some holes in the walls? Surely that'll make you feel better.
It wouldn't. He knew that, but he did it anyway, throwing his fists against the wall near the door, leaving behind blood and skin as he threw them harder and faster.
Poor Tear…he worked so hard to buy this building…and you're wrecking it without a care. Such brotherly love.
He brought his hands to his face, dug his nails into his skin and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to drown it out. He couldn't do this…if he fell this far backwards…
If only Tear had a stronger, smarter older brother around. I'm sure he would be much happier…
…he might never get up again.
Too bad he's only got you…the broken fuck up who needs to be babysat.
He backed up against the wall, his shoulder making contact with the bloody surface. He banged the back of his head against the wall hard…over and over. The darkness spread. He scratched at his temples and neck, as if trying to claw out the voices. He couldn't fucking breathe!
You…the no-good Icer with a shitty past, a miserable present…and no future…
He slid down the wall until he hit the floor, curling his knees up against his chest as he grit his teeth, trying to stop the tears. But he's gotten used to letting them flow now…he's forgotten how to repress. So they trailed down the sides of his face, and left burning tracks in their wake, reminding him of his weakness. He held his head as he rocked gently against the wall…his breaths coming out in strangled pants as he hyperventilated.
Useless slut…murdering bastard…filthy liar…
Someone was shaking him, muffled voices reached his ears, but he couldn't hear…couldn't see…
You don't belong here…
They were pulling him, trying to get him to move, but he couldn't…he screamed at them to let him go…leave him alone…begged for them to let him disappear…
You never belonged anywhere…
Someone held his face, wiped away his tears. He saw a blurry face whispering words of comfort that he didn't want to hear…didn't deserve to hear.
You should just take a page from your brother's book…
Vision finally clearing. His brother's tear-filled eyes…green eyes…not the blue belonging to Teari…Green eyes and red-brown hair…and a smile, comforting and filled with love.
…and use that stolen knife to end your toxic existence.
Illusion or not, Ari was smiling at him, mouthing something…his lips formed the words, "I love you." His vision blurred again, dulling the red tresses into brown plaits and morphing the green into ice-blue. Tear looked like a mess, eyes red and puffy with tears streaming down his face as he begged over and over, "I love you! I love you, Tori! I'm sorry! Please, don't leave me!"
Torn felt the world return to motion around him…and everything became real all at once. But the one thing that he wanted more than anything was right in front of him, currently turning his face into an absolute mess from blubbering.
He didn't care anymore whether he deserved forgiveness or love at that moment. He pulled his twin into his arms and held him. "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry, Tear"
Tear shook his head, "No…I'm sorry. I should've been more understanding." He wiped his cheeks and gave a small laugh, "I remember when people treated me like a baby too…it's infuriating and only made me want to hurt myself even more."
"But you were right," Torn sighed and relaxed his grip on Tear, "I do need to be babysat. I'm really not in the right state of mind to be left alone…I'd probably end up fucking half of the Icelands and drinking you into the poorhouse."
Tear laughed softly and pulled back to give Torn an empathetic smile, "Still, I can't exactly lock you in your room all day like some princess. You need to be able to confront these things yourself."
"And I will…eventually." Torn smiled back, "But I still need to accept your help and not act like a hormonal kid when you stop me from doing something destructive."
Tear groaned, "Ugh, that's gonna take a lot of energy. Maybe I should just buy a shock collar or something."
"Huh…not a bad idea."
Tear playfully punched Torn in the arm, "I was joking, Cheilo!"
Torn laughed and pulled Tear closer to him. They stayed like that for a moment before Torn broke the silence, "Thank you…y'know…for bringing me out of that." Tear sighed softly and relaxed into the embrace, "Thank you for letting me help."
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Jak paced back and forth in his bedroom. Every so often, he would gaze at the crinkled letter sitting on his bed.
He had never felt so conflicted in his life.
He'd re-read the letter dozens of time over the past week, and he was getting to the point where he could recite it from memory.
Jak,
If you're reading this now, I'm assuming you want answers from me about…well, everything. Before that, I just want you to know that I never intended for any of this to happen. Do I regret what happened between us? No, I really don't. I know this is selfish of me to say, but whenever I was with you, I felt happier than I've ever been in my entire life. What I truly regret, is that in order to be with you, I deceived you. That night, at the club, I was looking for a sex partner. I was disguised as "Reise" because it's not good publicity for Haven's Commander of the Guard to be out soliciting sex. I didn't think you would be there, and I sure as hell didn't expect to end up on my knees for you. But, anyways, that's neither here nor there. The point is, I enjoyed talking to you that night, and through my drunken haze decided that was my one chance to be with you. It was wrong of me to do that, and I realized it immediately after. I swear, I had every intention of telling you the truth the next time I saw you…unfortunately, the next time I saw you, you informed me that not only were you single, but you wanted to be in a relationship with me…or…Reise, that is. I'm not blaming you by the way, this is 100% my fault. I should've stopped there, told you the truth, but…
I was too tempted. I wanted you for a long time Jak…I didn't realize it then, I thought it was just a physical attraction and once I got it out of my system we could both move on. Obviously, that wasn't the case. That night when we had sex, it was the most wonderful experience I've ever had. And every moment after only confirmed what I never wanted to admit…that I was in love with you. I still am, and I don't think that will ever change. As Torn, I knew that I could never even dream that you would want me…but as Reise? I was someone who you wanted. Someone who was confident, attractive, and everything I could never be. I lived vicariously through him and by the time I realized I had gone too far, it was too late. I'm so sorry that I fell in love with you. You deserve someone far better than me. I have way too much baggage, I'm unlovable, I'm a liar and a coward, and I do nothing but hurt the people I love because I'm so afraid that if I let them get too close, I'll get hurt again.
I know me leaving seems like I'm running away, but I need help. I'm a very sick man, and I've gone too long letting my trauma rule my life. Does it sound like I'm being melodramatic? Maybe I am, but I don't care anymore. I'm done being broken. For the next three weeks, I'll be living in the Icelands. There's a village called "Snowfell", and in it a place called the Frozen Golem Inn and Tavern. I'll probably be there…though worst case scenario, I'll be admitted to Snowfell Rehabilitation and Psychiatric center. Either way…if you want to have it out with me, I'll be in one of those two places.
I'll accept whatever beating or chewing out you want to give me. I just want you to know that I have loved you from the moment I saw you, even though at the time I didn't recognize those feelings as love until it was already too late.
I hope you find someone who is deserving of your love, and who loves you back just as fiercely.
Va yal ti, Miyal,
Torn
His eyes scanned the letter once more, but one sentence stood out. Va yal ti…that was what Torn said to him that night, as he clung to him. It was Icelandian, he later found out, for "I love you"; and Miyal…that translated literally to "my love"…but the actual meaning was more aligned with "soulmate".
Jak sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose…
SO, that answered the question of whether or not Torn's feelings were genuine. Jak honestly felt…happy…strangely, he still felt angry, but he could honestly say now that he 100% was in love with Torn. Not Reise…Torn. Though they both had similarities, He felt something more for Torn that he used to think was admiration or respect. Obviously he still felt a certain level of both for the commander, but there was a deeper connection between them that made the word "soulmate" seem the most accurate.
He needed to talk to Torn. Get the complete story, his deepest thoughts and darkest secrets…he needed to learn everything about the man who he had fallen so hard for.
But, the fact that Torn was in the Icelands trying to get therapy kept him in Haven. The second he finished the letter last week, he wanted nothing more than to catch the next transport over to the Icelands and show Torn exactly how he felt.
But Jak understood the desire to mend old wounds. He still had a few things to fix himself…most of his trauma was worked through with Samos and occasionally Daxter or Keira. He still had issues with his anger, and he still took steps backwards sometimes…but that was all part of the healing process.
He decided he would wait for Torn to come back from the Icelands before he confronted him. And then, once they fixed the issue between them, Jak was going to ask him on a date…for real this time.
(ABCDEFGHIJKLMMNOPQRSTUVWXYZTHISISATRANSITIONBECAUSEFFNETSUCKSANDWONTSHOWEM)
(One week later, the day before Torn's scheduled return to Haven)
After Torn's first real "episode", Dr. Veida began helping him work through his issues in a more hands-on approach. She decided to visit Torn at the Inn nearly daily for the remainder of his stay. As scheduled, they started with his parents. It was definitely the most superficial wound his psyche suffered, but it was the catalyst that set off the rest of his issues.
It was rare when one of the sessions did not end with him bawling his eyes out or nearly sending him into a panic attack, but he was slowly getting better. He started helping out around the Tavern, finding that working actually helped him relax a bit and kept him away from being vulnerable to his dark thoughts again.
Tear and Eryn helped in every way they could. Tear would help him calm down during yoga or stop him from drinking too much or trying to hook up with a patron, and Eryn would join him in the gym.
It felt amazing to have a support system, but as the end of is allotted time grew closer, Torn felt his anxiety increase tenfold. The only reason any of this was working was because he had a lot of support from other people.
If he returned to Haven…he would be alone…surrounded by people who were either disappointed in him at best, and wanted him dead at worst.
Not to mention that Haven city was the source of all of his trauma. It was the reason why he had to send Tear away in the first place. Tear only got better because he was away from that hellhole.
Torn was finally starting to get better…
He was finally feeling better…
He was healing…
Returning to Haven was a death sentence.
So, when Torn finished typing up his formal resignation on grounds for being unfit for duty, he felt no remorse.
As he hit 'send' on his com unit, Torn breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe this was still running from his problems…but he chose to view it as a strategical retreat. He couldn't get better if he went back, and it wasn't like Haven would suffer without him.
He'd given more than his fair share to the city. It's time they gave back.
Besides…there was nothing but misery waiting for him there.
