A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed / alerted this story! I just want to let those who reviewed as guests know that I read and appreciated what they wrote since I couldn't PM them.
One person pointed out that there's a lot of similarities with Finnick and Annie's story. I'm glad they noticed that because I'm intentionally trying to draw some parallels. When Mags is older and Finnick and Annie are around, they remind her of her past, and that's part of the reason she understands and cares for them. Thanks again!
Hate is not an emotion I'm familiar with, at least when it comes to other human beings. I've known for a long time that the world is full of corrupt people, but I've always looked past it because I know there is good deep down inside everyone. I saw it in Kim when she did her best to help Blade survive. It doesn't make her innocent or trustworthy, but it does make her forgivable. The problem is I'm struggling to find any good inside of Osten.
I don't want to hate him, but I do. It's the way he's merciless when it comes to killing others. It's the way he would hunt down someone from his own district for not wanting to join his alliance. It's the way he abandoned Blade when there was still a chance to save him. It's the way he slapped me across the face and the way he gives death stares to Kai.
I just hate him.
My eyes look up into the dark sky as my mind searches for a way to excuse Osten for all he's done wrong. Maybe he's insecure and feels like he has to assert himself to be taken seriously. Or maybe he just wants to go home to his family so badly that he's acting ruthless to win. I don't know. It doesn't change the way I feel.
There is one face in the sky tonight. Thankfully, it isn't Crystal; just the girl from Three. I'm glad I never got to know her because it's much easier to accept the death of a stranger.
"I'm taking first watch," Osten says as we climb onto our sleeping bags. Then, because he's a jerk and he can't help himself, he has to add, "Someone might want to take watch with Mags, since she can't catch another person even when they're right in front of her."
I know he's trying to get a rise out of me, but I will resist.
"Last time I checked, the position's called watch, not annoy the hell out of everyone by talking when they're trying to fall asleep!" Kim tells him harshly.
I can't help but give her a round of applause for that. Kai and I grin at each other. Osten's infuriated, of course, but he keeps his mouth shut.
Sleeping tonight would be like willingly jumping into a shark tank. There's no way I'm letting my guard down. As usual, I curl up on my side and push my now-matted and sweaty hair over my face. Nothing happens for a while. After what must be about an hour, Osten walks over to Kim, presumably to wake her up for her turn at watch.
But instead of going back to sleep, he sits down next to her. I hear her tiredly mumble words of confusion, and he shushes her loudly.
"I'm just saying, it's us versus them. Do you think they're going to split up? No. We have to stick together," Osten whispers.
I can just make out Kim's form through my hair. "What's your point? That isn't exactly new information."
"I know that. I think it's time to kill them. The girl deserves it and the boy won't cooperate with us if we kill his cousin. We're better off without them now," he replies.
Kim's voice sounds aggravated. "Didn't you hear what I said earlier? We need the numbers to go down more before that."
"So all the sudden you three are best friends?" He laughs without humor.
"Don't put words in my mouth! Trust me, I'll kill them myself. All I'm saying is it isn't time for that yet. Mags is good at fishing and Kai is as good as you with a spear. Having them around will help us survive longer."
"I'm much better than him!" Osten says, a little too loudly. I hear Kai make a sound in his sleep. Osten and Kim both freeze.
"Great job, genius," Kim says sarcastically. "What if they're awake now?"
"They aren't," Osten replies, acting like he knows everything. "But you have to trust me, Kim. The girl is up to something and Kai will go along with anything she does. There's no future in this alliance. Now's the time to get rid of them."
"Whatever," Kim relents. "Just don't do it tonight. Give her a chance to cook again tomorrow and maybe make a few more nets that we can use when she's gone."
I think Osten nods. "Okay. I'm going to sleep."
I've heard all I need to hear. Kai and I need to leave tonight. I wait patiently until Kim wakes me up for my turn at watch. After that, I wait a good forty or fifty minutes to make sure both Osten and Kim are asleep. It's possible that they are just pretending like I was. But, after a while, Osten is snoring and Kim's mouth is hanging open slightly. Despite this, I'm still paranoid when I nudge Kai. It only takes a few shoves and pinches to wake him up. I guess he isn't in as deep a sleep as usual.
"My turn?" he asks, his words slurring as his eyes droop back down. For some reason, this makes me want to smile. I would if we weren't in such a bad situation right now.
"It's time for us to go, Kai. They want us dead," I whisper.
It takes his still half-asleep brain a minute to register what I'm saying. "Right now?" he asks.
"Yes. Get your spear and be careful not to wake the others."
I pat his shoulder then get up and tiptoe over to my knife. I steal all the water bottles and the remainder of my fish and stuff them into two packs. All of the rope and nets find their way into my pack as well. Kai is more alert now, so I hand him one of the bags and we begin slowly walking away from camp.
It's the most nerve-racking thing ever. I'm still not positive that the other two are even asleep at all. I guess they must be if they haven't come after us yet, but surely the rustling of the grass we're stepping over will wake them. My head swings back to them in a nervous glance every step I take. Kai's steps are even louder. I might just hate this grass even more than Osten.
We don't start running until after we've reached the lake. If Osten and Kim wake up now, they won't see us. We have become two shadows of the night. After crossing into the semi-dense tree line, we change direction. Neither of us know exactly where we are headed. Any place far from our former allies will do. Dawn breaks and we are still traveling.
The further we get from the grass field, the more the arena morphs. The high grass extends a good distance into the tree line, but as the hours pass, it becomes shorter and shorter. Most of the trees are of medium height and branch out to where the tops are flat. It's interesting to look at, but not suitable to hide in. There are hills and rocks here, too. We ignore our exhaustion and walk further until we reach what must be the edge of the arena. There's a line of rocky crags that are impossible to travel through.
"So it just ends here?" I ask Kai.
"I guess the arena's like a rectangle. That's how the grass field was. We know it stretches really far back to reach the mountains in the distance. Maybe we should head that way," he answers thoughtfully.
I consider that. "I don't know. Doesn't that seem like a place most tributes would go? The further away we are from everyone else, the better."
"Maybe. Can we just rest now? I almost fell asleep while we were walking."
"Sure," I say because I'm exhausted too. I haven't gotten much sleep since the Games started. We find a place along the edge of the arena that's kind of concealed by a hill. I grudgingly agree to let him sleep first. Before Kai drifts off, he says something.
"I almost hope Osten gets his throat slit. He deserves to die."
I feel uneasiness rising inside me when he says that. "Kai, take that back. You don't mean that."
"How do you know I don't?" he asks. "I thought you hated him too, Mags."
"I'm not his biggest fan," I sigh. "But don't you think that's crossing some kind of line? There are some things human beings should never say, no matter the circumstances. We don't have the right to."
He seems almost agitated now. "What do you mean we don't have the right? It's our only choice!"
His words sting because they are true. I close my eyes and see a warm red-orange behind my lids from the intense sun. My hands find the little seashell around my neck as I try to think of a way to say what I mean without angering the Capitol.
"I know we're surrounded by darkness, Kai, but that doesn't mean there shouldn't be light." I open my eyes and look at him. "Do you understand what I mean?"
He stares back at me blankly. "I thought I knew what you were talking about until you mentioned darkness. I don't think it could be any less dark right now. The sun's too bright."
I shake my head and smile sadly. Typical Kai, always taking my words literally. I'm going to miss that. I'm going to miss him.
That thought leads me to think of everyone else I'm going to miss as Kai sleeps. My parents and Kai's family, of course. I'll miss a handful of friends at school. I add Alec, Kallan, Isidora, my prep team, and even Lilith to that list.
The sound of a canon makes me jump and Kai jolts awake. The boom was loud and close, and when the hovercraft picks up the body, it's only a few hundred yards away. I can tell that it's a girl that's being picked up, but I can't see her well enough to place the district. It's not Kim or Crystal because the girl's hair looks black from here. Maybe she's from Eight?
Kai and I exchange a nervous glance. She could have died from dehydration, but if someone killed her, they aren't far away.
"Come on, let's go," I tell Kai.
He doesn't move. "Wouldn't it be better to go take them out now?"
"No! We didn't run away to have you die twelve hours later!"
We argue back and forth for a few minutes before I finally convince him to move on. Our current path take us towards the mountains simply because that's the only direction to go. The opposite way would only take us closer to the Cornucopia.
This continues for two more days. It's much harder to survive on our own than it was with the Careers, when we had access to supplies and a lake. Our stash of water depletes rapidly, and we become weaker and weaker until the next onslaught of rain comes. It's horrifying, especially when surrounded by trees that are toppling over, but it allows us to refill our bottles.
Most of our nutrition comes from edible plants, nuts, and berries. Sometimes we're lucky and one of my snares catches a small animal. I learn Kai isn't half bad at hunting animals himself. A meager sponsor gift drops in every now and then.
Before long, it is day seven and we have been in the arena for a full week. Sixteen gone, eight left to play. I've learned from eleven years of watching the Hunger Games that the most casualties lie in the first and last days of the Games. I guess only a few more people must die before the gamemakers decide they want a big, bloody finale.
"I bet they're interviewing your little sisters back home," I tell Kai. "I miss them so much."
He laughs. "I miss them, too. I never thought I'd say that."
I laugh along with him. It's so unlike Kai to admit how much he cares for Marilla and Hallie. It seems like the worst luck possible that I was picked after Kai volunteered, but it could have been worse. What if Marilla was picked? She might be the most mature, brave, and tough twelve year old I know, but I'm glad that I'm here instead of her.
Who's left besides us, District One, and Kim?" I ask.
It takes him a minute to think. "The boys from Five and Eleven…..and the girl from…Seven, I think."
I nod and am about to reply when we step out onto the grass plains. We must have accidentally changed direction sometime in the night. The lake that was our source of life is now a blur in the distance. The mountains, on the other hand, have gone from small and blurry to huge and imposing. We are getting closer to the back of the rectangle.
Kai isn't looking at the lake or the mountains, though. "Mags, look at those weird deer! That's enough meat to last us weeks!"
Sure enough, there's a herd of large animals prancing through the grass. They look similar to deer, but their antlers are more like horns that stick straight up. Each has a tan body with a white underbelly. The main difference, however, is that these deer-like creatures aren't walking like deer. They appear to be leaping as they run. These animals would provide a lot of meat, but I don't think the two of us could take them down. Maybe we could get the little one struggling to keep up.
Kai starts charging at them with his spear held out and I run behind with my knife. Something happens when we get close. Something unnatural. All of the animals stop in their tracks and peer at us. Then, very deliberately, they each bare a mouth of razor sharp teeth. Muttations. I was hoping there wouldn't be any this year, but those animals are clearly genetically altered.
Now Kai and I are the ones who are being chased. The animals are very fast and gaining on us quickly. They don't stop when we make it back to the trees. Even though Kai has a tendency to exaggerate his speed, he is still faster than me, and I am struggling to keep up. One of the mutts nips my calf. It doesn't go too far into the skin, but it's enough to rip the fabric of my pants and radiate pain up my leg. Another is closing in on me when I turn around and stab the creature. It's not dead yet, but it's too injured to keep pursuing me. I call Kai and tell him to keep running. Then I jump onto the nearest tree and try to climb. It's easier said than done because the branches don't start until two-thirds of the way up, but I use my knife to help me climb.
The mutts reach my tree and start butting their heads into it. After a few minutes, Kai starts running back and I scream at him to stop because they'll get him. Strangely, the animals suddenly appear to decide they have had enough and calmly leap back to where they came from. Kai and I stare after them, dumbfounded.
"What was the point of that?" Kai complains.
I slide down the tree and wince. "One got my leg, but it's not that bad." I look at Kai's face and notice he has shallow cuts. He must have ran into something.
We're trying to decide what to do next when we hear footsteps. There's no time to move before the boy from Five jumps in front of us, bearing a sword. Of course. The mutts were designed to bring us in contact with another tribute. Apparently the people in the Capitol need more violence.
I can't even remember the boy's name, though I think it's something along the lines of Circuit. He looks half-crazed as his eyes dart back and forth to size us up. Then he lunges for Kai and I jump in and disarm him. He's tackling me and trying to grab his weapon back when Kai kills him. Seconds ago, he was approaching us. Now he is dead on the ground. I'm so tired of seeing people die.
I'm still here with Kai for the rest of the night, but I'm distant. All of this is getting to me. I'm not mad at Kai for doing what he had to do, but I'm not happy about it, either.
"Mags? Why are you acting like I'm not even here? If I didn't know better, I'd think you wanted me to let him kill you!" He's mad at me now. I don't know how to make him understand.
"It's not that, Kai! I'm not mad at you, but I will be if you keep accusing me of it!"
"What is it, then?"
"You wouldn't understand anyway," I say, rolling my eyes at him. Why am I doing this?
He raises his voice even louder. "What makes you think I wouldn't?"
I stand up and kick a branch that must have fallen during the last storm. "Because you never do! I already tried to explain it to you, and you thought I was talking about the amount of light in the arena!" I don't want to argue with him, but I'm low on sleep and in a very bad mood. "Forget it. I'm going find some berries," I snap at him.
"Fine then," I hear him say, but I am already gone. I'm so angry and I don't even know why. There's no particular person who's upsetting me; I'm just mad at the world itself. I find a berry bush and start picking them so angrily and I accidentally rupture several of them. I drop them all when I hear the scream. Kai's scream.
All my anger is forgotten. Nothing matters more to me in this moment than protecting my cousin. The canon booms, and this time I can feel it inside of my bones. No, this can't happen. No, this must be some sick prank. Or a dream. Kai can't be dead. He can't be.
But he is. I rush back to where the scream originated from to find Kai's lifeless body on the ground. Osten is standing above him, withdrawing the spear from Kai's midsection.
He. Killed. My. Cousin.
I didn't even get to say goodbye! He died while we were angry at each other. I can never apologize now. Osten took him from me. I hate him. I hate him so much. So much that I'm rushing toward him with my knife raised before I can even think about it. He turns to me just as I bury my weapon into his heart.
Another canon booms. Osten's dead, and that leaves me feeling strangely satisfied. It takes a full minute for reality to set in. Then my hands immediately cup over my mouth and the bloodlust and rage disappears.
What have I done?
I just killed a boy without thinking twice about it. It wasn't like finishing off the little boy from Seven. This was not a kill of mercy. I wanted him dead. I was glad when he fell to the ground. Sobs begin racking my body so hard that I can't breathe.
I can see it now: Osten's parent's holding their newborn baby boy. He had a tuft of whitish blond hair and big blue eyes. It was the happiest day of their life. They brought Osten into this world and I took him out of it.
My main goal in these Games wasn't even to win. I'm not going to delude myself into thinking I will. No, I decided to follow my father's advice and not let the Games make me forget who I am inside. I've failed him. I've failed myself. Mags Brine would never, ever kill another human being. Kai was already gone; I couldn't have helped him. I should have run, but I chose to kill Osten out of hate. That's how I know the Games have corrupted me.
My dead cousin is the only thing that can snap me out of this moment. I turn to him and lay my head on his shoulder and somehow, impossibly, I start sobbing harder.
"I'm sorry, Kai. I should have protected you," I get out between sobs.
I clutch his rough hand. This is the same hand I held when we would walk down the beach as toddlers. His blue eyes are still open. My aunt said eyes are the portal to the soul. That's why Kai's are empty. There's nothing left inside of him. I pull my fingers over his eyelids and close his eyes because I can't bear to look at them. I stay here, clutching someone who's already gone because I don't want them to take him away. They've taken enough from me already. Eventually, I have to accept he's already gone from my reach.
I back away to let the hovercraft remove the bodies. I'm hunched over because I'm crying so hard it's painful. I don't hate Osten anymore. The only person I hate now is myself.
