All credit for Bleach goes to Tite Kubo...
ANNOUNCEMENT: Folks, its almost the end of the semester for me ... which means not only do I have finals coming but my professors have realized that this is their last chance to pile work upon their hapless students and are, well, piling work upon us. My point is, if I don't update for a while, that's probably why. Believe me, I don't like it either. Ok? Ok ... and now, chapter notes!
Re-watched The DiamondDust Rebellion the other day ... became re-obsessed with the epic Shiro angst and wrote this fic. WARNING: contains Ichigo-bashing! If you read the first line you can probably tell already ... I really tried not to make it a giant hate-fest, but still. This is actual, normal hatred, not the sexually-charged shippy kind, so - Minds. Gutter. Out. Now. And no yelling at the author. Thankyou. And as always, thank you everyone for reviewing and for your patience with my wayward fangirly ways.
At this moment, Toushiro hates Ichigo Kurosaki. He wants to punch Ichigo right back and watch him bleed … wants to draw Hyorinmaru and run him through, and if the Soul Society executes him for it, well, they were going to do that anyway. At the very least, he wants to yell at Ichigo to stop acting like he knows everything, like he understands what goes on in Toushiro's mind, like Toushiro is still a traumatized kid who needs to be saved from himself. And why shouldn't he? He has no rank to be stripped of, no home to be turned out of, and just about no dignity left anymore.
Toushiro hates Ichigo Kurosaki. He really, really does. Respects his fighting skills, recognizes that Ichigo is basically a good person, maybe, but hates him, all the same. Hates him for assuming that he's Toushiro's friend, that he and Toushiro are equals. Hates him because Ichigo doesn't treat him like a Captain, someone who's been through his share of war and bloodshed. Ichigo has the gall to pity him – in public – in front of the entire Soul Society – and there is not a thing Toushiro can do about it because he knows this hatred is a stupid, childish feeling that no Shinigami Captain, even an exiled one, should have. And even as low as he's fallen, there's a part of him that just refuses to accept that this is it, this is where he'll meet his end. Stubbornly, irrationally, in the deep recesses of his soul he still dares to think that maybe he can go back – back to the Seireitei, back to the life he had. Such a faint hope, but it's enough to overcome every other emotion and keep him silent. Enough to let him look Ichigo in the face and not attack him. The eyes of every officer, quite possible every Shinigami, are on him, waiting for his response and no matter how strongly this anger and hatred burn inside him, Toushiro will never let them see it. If they do, they'll know that Ichigo is right – he's weak. Immature. Afraid. They'll cast him out of their ranks for good, and he'll deserve it.
He wants to fight as a member of the Gotei 13. He wants to be Captain Hitsugaya again. He wants his life back. So he locks his hatred away – forces himself to focus on the battle ahead – and lets Ichigo humiliate him with his awful, gentle stare. The worst, most pathetic side of him is laid bare before all of Soul Society and he does nothing to hide it – because what can he do? He's trapped; he has no other option.
He tells himself that if he pulls through this, this one moment will cease to matter. To end this nightmare he's willing to endure much worse. But all the while, somewhere deep inside him the same hatred still burns.
