A/N: For some reason, for the past two weeks, ff.n hasn't really let me do much on my account or documents. :( Today it works:D I hope to get back to writing things soon, once I figure out how to balance high school and college courses :D
AN2: COLTS WON SUPERBOWL :D, I've just been saying that everywhere all week now, sry:D
WARNINGS: Self-Mutilation, Language; Insults not tintended to offend anyone personally.
Disclaimer: Winchesters are not mine. Let's all be sad together.
Departing Thoughts
(FB) He could never fool Sammy and the baby's tears force him to stop...
Stop
By: chocolate rules
Dean's watching the shadow's moving around the room. It's now past three and he hasn't slept all night. They got in around midnight and he and Sammy were sent off to bed immediately. In three hours, his father's going to be coming in and telling them that its time to get up. Now however, he was stuck watching the shadows and fighting against sleep.
They were staying with Pastor Jim for a few months now and Dean was getting really tired of doing all the chores involved in the house, church, and grounds. There was also a cemetery a few yards off behind the church that the boys weren't allowed near.
Pastor Jim was making them clean the entire basement of the house today when they got back from school and were done training with their dad. They had gone a bit too far when they had slightly sabotaged the sermon the previous day by placing a few disturbing picture cutouts in the bibles throughout the pews. An elderly woman, Mrs. McGivney, had been the first to find them and had nearly blown her lungs out from screaming. The next one was found by a boy not older than ten and his mother nearly flipped.
The brothers were hiding behind the alter wall, by the door that lead to the pastor's changing room. John was somewhere in the backroom looking up some Latin verses that Pastor Jim had back there. As soon as the shrieking began, John was out of the room and running to the church. He spotted his sons rolling on the ground, laughing and he stopped dead in his tracks.
After grabbing them both and yelling at them for a while, John sent them into the congressional to collect the pictures in front of everyone.
All in all, the last four months hadn't been too bad. They got to do much of whatever they wanted. John would take off for two or three days and do a hunt and then return to them. On the weekends, all three of them would go hunting. If John was hurt or there wasn't any hunt then they would practice and John would let them go out on the weekends.
In truth, there was no reason to be feeling like crap as he was right now.
Sammy had just turned thirteen last week and Dean was making sure that the kid started becoming more of the kind of man that Dean thought he should be. Sam had cringed and laughed through most of the incident involving the pictures they got from the dirty magazine. Then he had absentmindedly mentioned about how funny it would be to show them off to the congressional. Dean thought he had done damn well if the kid came up with that thought all on his own.
Dean shifted once more and watched Sammy sleeping on the bed that rested next to the wall. Sam was sleeping peacefully. They had after all had a very amusing day. Dean himself was exhausted and wished to be sleeping right then, but he just couldn't seem to.
At seventeen, Dean was very aware that his cutting had gotten out of hand. A month back, Pastor Jim had walked in on him pulling off a blade from his razor. He had questioned Dean, but having gone through enough scenarios in his mind of what he would tell his father if he ever saw him in this position a lie easily slipped out that he was pulling off some gunk from the blade. Pastor Jim had eyed him, but like his father he let the situation go.
And so, three am easily turned into four am and Dean's eyes were heavy with sleep. His body, however, was aching and there seemed to be no position or breathing or anything to calm it. His entire stay there, Dean had only cut twice. He was used to cutting now every week at least once. He didn't even need that much of predisposition guilt to set him off. The guilt seemed to pour out of him. It seemed to live in him and breed further into him.
In all truth, the only reason that he seemed to continue the cutting was because he seemed fascinated by it now. The feel of the blade as it penetrated his skin and the look of the blood as it breathed into the air. It marveled him how he could continuously endure pain and keep being so active and lively. It thrilled him that after bandaging himself up and walking into the same room as his expert hunter father and sometimes a few of his elite friends, none noticed the change in him. Dean was convinced that he had it all mastered.
Except of course the increasing need that had panged him this week and especially tonight.
Dean rose from his bed and walked over to the window. Sure enough, the stars were still there, monitoring him. They might have been the only ones that knew of his nightly battle. And they would be the only witnesses tonight as he left the room and headed towards the bathroom at the end of the hall.
Pastor Jim heard the teen's footsteps and curiously stepped into the hall, startling Dean as he passed the room.
"Dean? What are you doing up at this time of night?"
"Pastor Jim!" Dean says into the night. His eyes are wide and he is clearly startled.
"Dean, you should be sleeping. You look like you haven't slept all night," noted the man as he inspected the teen's face and droopy pose. At this, Dean straightened up and hardened his face.
"I was going to get something to eat." Dean said. In truth, he and Sammy had had to skip most of dinner since John's military ways called for no dinner on his young sons when they got themselves into deep trouble.
Pastor Jim nodded and Dean was forced to walk past the bathroom and down the stairs into the kitchen where he made himself a sandwich and sat to eat it. He eyed the drawer in the cabinet, but not only was it way too risky to use the kitchen utensils, it was so unsanitary.
John came into their room at six sharp and was ushering his sons to awaken. Dean sat up groggy in his bed, but Sam remained still. Sam was such a sound sleeper that it was a rather difficult daily task to wake the boy every morning.
Dean got out of bed and into the bathroom as John literally plucked Sam off the bed. Dean grinned at the sight of his kid brother thrashing around and his father threatening to toss him into the bathtub. He hadn't had a chance to do anything the previous night and he knew that this morning would be no different. In less than twenty minutes, Dean was showered, dressed and shaven as he walked out the bathroom.
Sam ran past him into the bathroom with a mutter about unfair fathers and cruel wakeup techniques.
They ate breakfast in silence and Pastor Jim offered to drive them to the high, seeing as Dean had to hand over the keys to his precious Impala the night before. They pulled into the high and the boys both got out of the pastor's four wheel drive. Dean always thought it cool that he could be a man for god and have such a cool car.
"Your father should be picking you boys up at three sharp. Don't dawdle around, Dean." Dean eyed the man with his innocent eyes and placid face.
"Who me? I would never." Says Dean.
"Yeah, you. No girl's worth you're Daddy being even madder at you two."
"Are you mad at us, Pastor Jim?" asked Sammy. He might have turned thirteen, but he certainly kept his childhood cuteness to peak.
"Boys will be boys, son," Pastor Jim said as he pulled the car out of parking and into drive. Sammy leaned off the window and backed into Dean standing right behind him. Dean merely shoved him aside and they stood there side by side.
"Especially you two," added the pastor. "I just wish you wouldn't do it during my sermons." And he left chuckling.
The day went as normal as any could go for a Winchester. During history, Dean slept and awoke to a pop quiz that he's pretty sure that he passed seeing as he studied about ancient runes three years ago after that one house that they went after had all those ancient symbols in it. During lunch, Sam was bothered by some kid and Dean stepped in. During math, Sam's test was returned and though his methods were slightly questioned, all his answers were correct.
Before either wanted it to be, it was three in the afternoon and they stood outside of the school waiting for their father. Hoping against hope that he would forget or be late, John appeared by the curb right on time. They had to do one hour of sparring and another hour of target practice. Afterwards, they worked out as their father went and spoke with Pastor Jim and then someone else on the phone. At six, John told them they could stop and to go shower and start on their homework. At eight they had a quick dinner and John headed out for the night. They then went to work on the basement and as soon as they started to clean it on, Dean became too dour.
Dean started dropping things and was lolling around, tripping over things and seemingly forgetting what he was doing. After ten minutes of this, Sam stopped him.
"Dean?" Sam said as he grabbed his brother's arm, halting his fall towards some boxes marked Easter decorations. Dean straightened himself off and walked away like nothing had happened.
"Dean, you okay?" asked Sam again.
"Dude, I'm fine." Dean says calmly to Sam's slightly alarmed face. "Can't a guy trip over something? I mean, look at all this junk. Bet he was just waiting for someone, meaning us, to do something stupid and then have us clean up this crap pile."
"Dean," Sammy says and he doesn't look one bit convinced. "What's wrong?" Sam asks and he takes a wary step towards his brother.
"Nothing is wrong, Sammy." Dean says as he moves away from him and starts piling things up again.
"You're lying," Sam says as he crosses his arms over his chest and glares at the elder. "I can tell you're lying cause you won't even look at me." Dean turns and looks at him now. He sticks his arms out as if to say 'see, I'm fine' and gets back to work.
"You're acting like a dumbass," Sam says softly and it's not meant to be an insult but an observation.
"It's been a long day, Sam." Dean replies not looking back at him. And it has been a long day. Not only with all the things that they had to do as punishment and regular training. Not even with school and all their homework. Dean had spent the entire day trying to ignore his growing inner need. He was becoming really frustrated and anxious and he knew that time was running out before he started lashing out. And seeing as Sam was the one person that was almost always around him, he was afraid that he'd lash out on him.
It wasn't Sammy's fault, Dean knew that. It wasn't his father's, the teacher's, or the pastor's fault. It was his own fault and he had to deal with it all on his own. That's just how things were. He knew that if he didn't control this fast, meaning today, that his lashing out would give him grave consequences.
"You're not acting like yourself," observes Sam in this soft tone that he's been using for a few minutes now. It's really getting on Dean's nerves and the kid better start doing his work or Dean's going to blow up on him.
And he's not acting like himself. He's acting like an ass and he knows it. A week back he had an argument with his father that hadn't ended too well on his end and if that's not weird and out of character he's not sure what is. That day, John had warned him that if he didn't start pulling his act together real quick that he'd have to do it for him and it sure as hell wouldn't be pretty if it came to that.
So, Dean had to handle this and fast. So, no lashing out. And no killing Sammy, so he has to ignore the never ending questions that always seem to come out of the kid.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Dean asks as he sharply twists around suddenly in Sam's face.
"Nothing," Sam says taking a step back.
"If it meant nothing," Dean says taking a step towards him now. Ok, so not lashing out is now out of the question. "why'd you say it?"
"Dean," Sam says softly. He speaks slowly now, gentle for as to not frighten Dean or force him to do anything. He can tell his brother isn't himself and it's worrying him. He's seen this happen before, and he knows why his brother gets like this. He's known for some time now. He's so close to telling their father that if Dean doesn't calm down soon, he'll tell him this very day.
"Sammy, just shut up and finish this shit up, alright. I'm not in the mood for this." Dean interrupts Sam before the kid has any chance to offer comfort or warning.
"You've got to stop this!" Sam yells out suddenly as Dean turns around and starts trying to get busy again.
Dean turns around and looks at him now angry. Sam knows he shouldn't have said anything, not like this. Not when they're alone in a basement and surrounded by so much junk that it'd be difficult to make a fast and clear dash out of there.
"Stop this?" Dean repeats and he's towering over Sam in a second. "Stop what, Sammy?" Dean asks in a whisper and Sam can honestly say that he has no idea how to get out of this. He knows that Dean wouldn't hurt him, but he also knows that if someone is in the state of anxiety that he thinks Dean's at right now, then there's no telling what he would do.
"Stop hurting yourself." Sam responds. And he's being very daring as he looks Dean dead in the eye.
"What are you talking about?" Dean says taking a half step back. There's no way that Sam knows he's still doing this. He only does it for sure when the kid's asleep or away from him. He only does it where Sam won't go when he's there. They've given each other plenty of space since Dean became a teen but they've always remained close.
"Come on, bro." Sam says and he sounds so fragile and young that it almost kills him. He looks down at his shoes and starts fiddling with them for a minute before talking again. "You know what I'm talking about."
Sam looks back up at him and the tears that he's not trying to hide flow down his face. He sounds and looks so much like that ten year old that caught him in the bathroom that it breaks Dean's heart.
Sam turns around and picks up some old leather bound book and he starts fingering the spine.
"I... I don't know what you think is going on," Dean starts trying to explain himself, but he knows he's failing miserably.
Sam turns back around at that. He looks angry now; the new thirteen year old in him is springing to effect.
"Don't try and lie to me, Dean. I know, ok. I know."
"No, you don't."
"Yes! I do! I know Dean and you've got to stop this!"
"Sammy…"
"No," and he's yelling now and all in Dean's face too. He's so mad that he's shaking. "Don't Sammy me! I'm not a little kid, Dean! I've known since that night! You never stopped! You've just covered up better. I don't need to see you do it, to know you're doing it. I'm not Dad, Dean. I know you. You've never lied to me, not even then. Don't start now. Please, I need to know that I can at least still count on that."
They both stand there in silence and Dean's not sure on what to say.
"Sammy," he tries again. But Sam interrupts again as he steps forward and grabs Dean's left arm.
Sam's so nervous and tearful that he almost misses what he's looking for as he pulls back Dean's sleeve. Sure enough, right by Dean's elbow is at least two scars of the most recent release. Sam's gripping Dean's left wrist with his right hand tightly to ensure that it's not all a horrible dream. His own left comes up and touches the scars as Dean tries to yank his arm loose.
Sam pulls his brother into a tight hug and cries into Dean's chest. He's muttering something that Dean can't hear but he can feel it cut him like a blade. Dean doesn't know how to comfort him and he can't help but remember the night that Sam walked in on him. Remember the look on his face and his own promise that he would never do that again to his baby brother.
"'M sorry, Sammy," he says after a few minutes. Sam's still crying and Dean's still standing stiff. He can't reach out to him, can't comfort him and its killing him. He's supposed to be stronger than this and protect the kid, but he can't seem to stop failing in that simple task.
"Stop it, stop it, stop it," Sam cries into his chest and his fists tighten into the back of Dean's shirt.
Dean can't stand this anymore. He's caught between wanting to stop the steady stream running through Sam and rushing away from this scene altogether and upstairs to the bathroom, screw whatever else is going on. However, the second choice really isn't a choice and Dean knows that. He can't leave his baby brother like this no matter what. And besides, if he did then Sam would be free to run to their father and Dean was sure that John wouldn't take this so lightly.
Before Dean's conscious of doing it, his arms encircle the younger and if at all possible pull him in tighter. He never could fool Sammy, and his tears are downright killing him. No promises are said this time. Neither knows what to say and both are so caught up in the moment - pulling themselves together and not losing the bond with the other- that they almost miss out on John's call down the stairs to call it a day and head to bed.
Sam watches him all night long; Dean can feel his eyes boring holes into him. The next morning Sam's waiting outside the bathroom door and he's done in ten minutes, skipping his shower and downstairs besides his brother eating breakfast. The entire ride to school, neither says a word and when Pastor Jim asks them what's the matter it's Sam who mentions a long day the day before and exhaustion.
Sam's watching Dean during lunch as well. Normally, the brothers sit with their own friends but within eyeshot of the other. Today Sam sat with Dean. In all sincerity, Dean could smack the kid. It's not like he's going to openly cut during lunch. But the real truth is that it really doesn't bother him in the slightest to have him around. He's just glad that the kid isn't mad at him and that he hasn't ratted him out.
After school they train and then head over to the church yard where they have to change the words on the display board there. They spend the entire time in silence and it is very rare for either to go this long without one word to the other. But Sam refused to leave Dean and the elder didn't mind it much.
So when they were told to go upstairs and do their homework, neither complained. As soon as they reached their room, however, Sammy chose to break the blissful silence.
"Dean, are you going to stop this?" Dean didn't reply as he pulled out a few notebooks and headed over to the desk, facing away from the door and effectively his brother.
Sam followed suit and grabbed his own books as he stretched out on his bed. He, however, refused to remain quiet.
"I looked it up, you know." He says as he opens his history notebook and flips to his homework. As expected, Dean pretends that he said nothing and continues with his work. "I know that you can't just stop. I think that by now, it's more of an addiction than a release, right?"
Sam starts in on his work and the scratching of pencils on paper is the only sounds in the room for a minute or two.
"I also know that you don't want Dad to know. So, I'll tell you this much," and his pencils stopped but Dean's still writing. "If you do it again, I'm telling. I don't care what you try and do to me, I'll run and tell Dad or Pastor Jim. And if they're not here, I'll call them or Caleb or someone. I'll tell I swear."
"Don't" Dean says and his pencils stopped moving now but he's still looking down at his work.
"Will you stop?"
"I... I don't know if I can, Sammy." Dean says honestly.
"I'll help you. I'll do whatever you want me to, I promise. But, you've got to promise too." At this, Dean does turn around.
"Promise what?"
Sam stands up and walks over to his brother. He stands in front of him and he assures that they've locked eyes before he speaks again.
"Promise that if, no when, you wanta hurt yourself again, you'll come to me."
"Come to you? For what Sammy?"
"Support," Sam says with a shrug. Dean smirks at him slightly. He really can't see how his kid brother will be able to support him with the burden. However, he can't promise something that he won't keep and the damn kid knows that. He knows that Dean would never let him down and that's why he's all in his face right now. As if sensing his thoughts, Sam speaks again.
"Maybe talking about whatever's making you do it won't make you have to do that so much. And then you won't need to at all. Like therapy or something, but cheap and without Dad's knowing.
"I mean, with time we can figure it out. But enough's enough Dean. And if it were me doing this, you'd have already hightailed my ass for this. You'd tell Dad or you'd stop me yourself. What makes you think I can't do the same? And don't say cause I'm younger. I'm thirteen now, you know"
"You'd never do something like this, Sammy." Dean says with all confidence.
"I'd be too scared of what you'd do to me to even think it." Sam says honestly.
"Well, you're getting smart in your old age," Dean says with a smirk as he reaches over and ruffles his hair. He's trying to distract from the point but Sam's not so easily diverted.
"You gotta promise, Dean." Sam says dodging under his brother's arm. Dean rolls his eyes but Sam counters. "If you don't, I'll go and tell Dad this second. And he's not one for talking, Dean. You know that. I don't think you need a reminder and he won't care that you're seventeen now, he's said so."
Dean doesn't budge but the thought of his brother telling on him and the knowledge that his father would very well tear him a new one is nerve racking. Sam takes the silence as an answer and starts walking towards the door.
Dean grabs his shirt and pulls him backwards into his lap. He wraps his arms around him in a hug like lock. Sam doesn't struggle and doesn't try to hide his smile as Dean whispers 'I promise'. Sam turns and hugs him back and then hops off.
"Alright, that's enough. I've got homework to do, you know." Said Sam as he headed back to his bed.
"Nerd," Dean replies as he turns back to his own work.
"Jerk," Sam says lying on his belly looking directly at the back of his brother, who shakes his head.
"Bitch," he counters.
tbc... sniff I am just too cruel sometimes...I know, but wasn't this good?...I know, I know :'(...Friday, so don't forget to watch the new episode!!!
