The Misadventures of Squeaky and Other Ridiculous Stories

By LMR

Disclaimer: Well, I was going out to buy the deed to CI, but while I was on my way, I tripped over a tape measure, and when I went to pick it up, I found a notebook full of Greek, and when I tried to read it, a panda fell on my head... Point is, I never got it.

Ridiculous Story Number 12: Why I Want to Strangle My Partner... Today

xXx

But it wasn't swooping. "What's the point of having a bird kite if it doesn't swoop?" She asked in a somewhat accusatory tone, as if I were sending extra gravity rays at her stupid kite. "It's supposed to look realistic."

"I'm still trying to figure out why we're flying kites in the beginning of December. Can't you get this out of your system in April and May?"

"Don't be grouchy!" the kettle told me as I stood there feeling extremely black.

"Eames, I'm freezing. Besides, wouldn't you rather fly kites with Nathan?"

"He's visiting his other grandparents this weekend. So I had to settle for you." She tugged the string again, trying in vain to get any bird-like response from the kite.

"Thanks Eames," I muttered in a pretend annoyed grumble.

"It just doesn't move like a bird," she insisted, ignoring my response to her jab.

"How did you get this bird, anyway?" I asked, wondering why kites were on her shopping list. She didn't strike me as the flighty type, so to speak.

Yeah, you're right. I should leave the joking to Eames.

"It's a long story," she said, shrugging.

I frowned in concentration for a moment, remembering the last time she'd told me that, and the subsequent half disturbing, half pleasing images in my mind. I decided to go for it anyway.

"Come on. Tell me."

She tugged again at the kite string, still receiving unsatisfying results. "No," she said simply.

"I told you about the iguana," I grumbled.

"I've told you worse than that," she reminded me. I grinned, and I could see by the look on her face she wished she hadn't reminded me. "Urgh. Okay, okay. It all started when I was driving home from the gym. I came across this biker who needed directions."

Something told me I wouldn't be so lucky, but I tried. "So the biker was carrying a kite with him and gave it to you as a thank you for helping him out."

She took a moment away from scowling at her kite to scowl at me. "Who's telling this story, Bobby? And for that matter, who's holding potentially dangerous sporting equipment." I actually snorted at that one. "Okay, well I didn't know what the biker was looking for either, but we came across my neighbor, Sammie. We asked him, and he told the biker the right way to go. So after the biker left, Sammie and I talked for a little while. Turns out his son is visiting from college right now and he's trying to get rid of some of his old stuff while he's here."

"So he had the kite an-"

"Bobby, you wanted to hear the story, let me tell the freakin' story!" I made the most apologetic and supplicating expression I could manage, then gave her a look that practically begged her to continue.

I can lay it on thick when I have to.

"Well, Dan, that's Sammie's son, he offered me this really old hideous red stuffed gorilla. Obviously not stuffed like that poor iguana you told me about. A little stuffie. Well I didn't want to be rude, so I took the stupid gorilla, then headed back to my apartment. When I got there, I didn't know what I was going to do with the dumb thing, but it was a little ripe from being in the garage, so I threw it in the laundry, thinking I had a load of darks ready to start."

Now, I knew that, by the nature of this story, it had to have been a load of whites, but I refrained from saying so seeing as I value my head.

"And I know you've already figured out that it was actually a load of whites, but you're not going to say anything, because you know you would loose some important parts of your anatomy if you interrupt me again while I'm telling you this stupid story that I didn't want to tell you in the first place, may I remind you."

Great, I thought. Now I'm getting chewed out for what I'm thinking.

"But I go ahead and start the wash without looking, so I go back a couple hours later to find an entire load of pink everything. Decency forbids me from telling you what all I had turned pink but you get the idea."

All too well, I thought, annoyed at the imagery she'd put into my head.

"And you know I hate pink, so I figured I might as well spend part of my bonus early to get myself some new... um... clothes, and I went to the store hoping to avoid the mad sprawl of post-Thanksgiving stress disordered shoppers. But when I got to the store, I found there was this group of Shriners there, which I really hadn't expected, and they were collecting toys for less fortunate children. I wished I'd brought that stupid gorilla with me, but luck was against me that day. So after shopping for my, uh, clothes, I headed over to the toy aisle, which was not only packed and picked clean, but saturated with obnoxious Christmas music and more obnoxious children. I finally got a toy that I thought was fitting, but then I saw that the side had kind of been mashed in, so I wanted to get another one the same, but by the time I had realized it was busted up, I was halfway to the register, so I had to go back, and naturally all the others were gone by then. So I asked one of the other crazy shoppers where I could find a similar toy. It's too bad you weren't there, because I think she was speaking Chinese. By the time I got something it was almost time for the store to close. That's when I broke my heel.

"And I fell into the display of kites, and they were on sale.

"So I bought one."

My jaw dropped as far as her kite had. I had never yelled at my partner before, but this was too much. "You bought it!? You told me that long ridiculous rambling and completely pointless story when you could have just told me they were on sale!?"

Much to my surprise, Eames was grinning. "Yup. To get even with you for telling me that disgusting iguana story. You deserved it. Besides, I've gotta have some entertainment and my kite just isn't cutting it. The look on your face, on the other hand, is hysterical. Thank you."

"Eames, I am going to strangle you with that kite string." She was still grinning at me.

But it's a good thing she didn't know what, um, things I was still thinking about.

xXx

Guesses, or does that last line only make sense in my twisted mind? Please review?! Pretty please? Even you folks at amorousintent (you know who you are)?