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Chapter Twelve
JJ took me back to his and gave me vodka, yes it's only dinner time, but I need it.
I'm not an alcoholic, but certain circumstances call for alcohol.
This is most definitely one of them.
"Ems, maybe you need to slow down a little" JJ says, his voice full of concern. I completely understand as I've just downed a quarter of a bottle of vodka in about three minutes.
"I will slow down, when I'm drunk enough"
"Emily, please, just talk to me... I'm really scared about you. What happened?"
"Nothing"
"Emily" I hadn't told him what happened, not because its some big secret, but because it will hurt me even more to say it out loud, I suppose, "Did she knock you back?"
"No"
"You argue?"
"No"
"Well what then"
"Nothing, JJ, just forget it"
"No, Emily. I'm not going to forget it, she's fucking hurt you and I want to know why" I'm silent, "If you don't tell me I'll ring Naomi"
"Ring her, like I give a shit" He laughs bitterly,
"Oh, it's obvious that you don't give a shit"
"Sarcasm is not helpful right now"
"Neither is stubbornness"
"Well I'm sorry, I've just had my heart broken JJ, do you want me to sit down with a nice cup of tea and talk about it?"
"Yes"
"Well, that's not me, and I'm not gonna do that, so stop trying"
"Fine" He grabs his phone off the side and rings Naomi. I just sit and watch, still drinking the vodka. Something is definitely up, I can only normally drink vodka in shots, and I still can't stand the taste, but right now I really don't care. I just need to feel.... need to feel... numb. "Naomi, what the hell is going on? Well I want to know why Emily is sat in my kitchen drinking her weight in vodka" He pauses, Naomi obviously telling him, "And you didn't go after her? What the fuck Naomi?" He must be annoyed, cause JJ never swears. "What ever, just get yourself round here pronto"
"What? I don't want her here" I shout, "I don't want to see her"
"Now, Naomi, Jess can wait" He hangs up.
"No, JJ, I'm leaving"
"Emily, no."
"Why? So I can get my heart broken again?"
"Look, this can't go on like this, she's the maid of honour at your wedding for god sake"
"Not anymore, we're not even friends anymore" I say quietly, "How can we be?" I feel my eyes welling up, "How can I face her again after everything that has happened"
"She's your best friend, she loves you, you love her, you can get through this"
"I thought we could get through anything, but then this happened, and now I'm not so sure"
"Emily, please"
"What?" I say, getting agitated, "What do you want me to fucking say? I can't say anything more than I've already said, so why don't you just drop it"
"No, I won't drop it, for fuck sake Emily, she's fucking killing you right now, look at you, your mess, this needs to get sorted out, and if I have to be here for safety purposes then so be it"
"Fine, I'm going to the toilet"
I try to steady my shaky nerves as the thought of coming face to face with Naomi again is killing my nerves. I stand in front of the mirror, washing the make-up off my face and sorting my hair out. "God, I am a mess" I say to nobody, "And I'm talking to myself... great Emily, just great" I hear the doorbell ring, and what I can only presume is Naomi enters.
"Where is she?" I hear her ask sternly, JJ must tell her because I hear footsteps bouncing up the stairs, "Emily" she shouts. I run to the door and lock it. She bangs on the wood, "Emily, open the door,
"No"
"Emily, please, we need to talk about this"
"No, I can't"
"Why"
"I just can't" My head falls against the door. I can't look at her right now, I can't look into those blue eyes and not want everything to be ok, our friendship still intact, because I know that if I were to give in and look at her, nothing will be the same again. I can't... I won't.
Nothing will ever be the same again.
"Emily, please" She begs, "Please" I'm so weak... I can feel myself weakening as the seconds tick away.
Naomi is my weakness and she sure fucking knows this.
"I'm not leaving here until you come out, it could take an hour, or it could take all day, I'm not going anywhere"
"Are you sure about that?" I ask, the words coming out of my mouth before registering with my brain, I cringe at how stupid a question that is,
"Positive, now are you gonna save a few hours and talk, or sit and chew on it for a while, your choice"
I contemplate what I'm gonna do, and I realise that she knows me far too well, I've got to come out eventually. It's not like I'm gonna set up camp in JJ's only toilet, for a start he, or Naomi for that matter, may wanna use it shortly, so I can't be cruel.
I unlock the door and open it slightly, not looking at her, just looking at the floor. "Hey" She says softly, I don't say anything, "Emily"
"What?" She's taken aback by the tone in my voice, this much is obvious,
"What's wrong?"
"You're shitting me right?" She looks to the floor,
"Why did you come to mine?"
"What?"
"Why did you come round my house after you left?"
"does it matter?"
"To me"
"Yeah, well. I guess we'll never know"
"Emily" She breathes, "Don't"
"Don't what?" I sigh, "Don't be a bitch because I was fucking you this morning, and then an hour later you were dry humping your girlfriend... That's funny"
"That's not fair"
"Oh, yes it is"
"Why?"
"You couldn't wait a fucking hour, one fucking hour..."
"Why should I? As far as I was concerned last night meant nothing, and you're still marrying Freddie"
"Yes, I'm still marrying Freddie, but last night meant something to me, and you know it did, so don't start that shit Noami"
"Oh, I'm sorry, if it meant something, why the fuck are you still marrying Freddie? Huh? Answer me that"
"Cause it will never work between the two of us and you know it"
"So that means that we aren't even going to give it a try?"
"Yes that is exactly what I'm saying. Why waste two good relationships on something that we know will never work"
"How do you know it won't work" She asks,
"Cause I do"
"Oh, very insightful there Ems" she says bitterly.
"Look, I think we'll just be better off as friends, ok?" She shakes her head,
"No, I think we lost the possibility of us being friends again this morning" My breath hitches, "Last night... I could have put that down to us both being drunk, to a mistake, a great mistake, but a mistake all the same, but this morning... you wouldn't have done that if you regretted last night, and you know it. It meant something to me Emily, it meant a lot, and it always will, but knowing what its like being with you, I can't go back to having nothing, I can't go back to just being friends. All it takes it one question, and you can have it... one question... that is all... and I'll leave her, I'll be with you, no other questions asked..."
"I... I don't want to lose you Naomi..." her head falls to the floor again,
"So you pick Freddie"
"Naomi..." I say, but she turns her back to me and walks away,
"That's all I needed to hear" She walks down the stairs and out of the door, and I'm frozen to the spot.
I'm frozen numb.
Be with me? That is all I needed to say, all I needed to ask, and I couldn't.
I wanted to say it, oh God knows how I wanted to say those words, but I couldn't. I ran. Theoretically speaking of course, I ran.
I finally plucked up the courage to look into those sparkling eyes, but they were no longer sparkling, they were dull, broken, damaged.
I did that to her. I did that.
My knees buckle beneath me as I fall against the door frame, JJ running up the stairs to comfort me, but again, he's trying to impossible. It's impossible because I've potentially just watched the only person who has ever made me truly happy, who will make me eternally happy, who I love completely, I've just watched them walk out of my life for good, and it's all my fault.
I'm too much of a coward to go for what I want, to go for what I need... To go for who I love, that I settle for the person that is none of those things, that will do none of those things.
All because I'm too scared...
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