Lost hope
Chapter 13
Roy stood speechless as Bruce placed Dick on the bed in the medlab. His friend made no effort to move as he placed heavy leather straps around his arms legs and torso. He just stared at the stalactite-laden ceiling of the cave and continued to mumble. Roy stepped up to the bedside stunned by what he was seeing. "You wanna tell me what the hell just happened." At first Bruce ignored him then he looked over at Alfred who came out of nowhere with a blanket and cup of coffee which Bruce drank greedily. Then he turned to Roy and led him from the room.
"His memories are returning," He said bluntly.
"Yea, even my four year old figured that out. But why is he acting like this? What happened after you guys left? Why is he totally catatonic, and you both covered in mud?"
"I don't know why I didn't see this coming. He was always so hard on himself." Bruce mumbled.
"HEY remember me the one who's daughter you two where playing catch with." Roy Growled. "I want some answers."
"Dick just tried to kill himself." Bruce waited for a reply but when not was forthcoming he continued "He stood himself in the pathway of a Semi- Truck coming down the main road. They never saw him till it was nearly too late."
"Thank God you got to him." Alfred murmured.
"I didn't. Ace knocked him out of the way."
'The Dog? How...?"
"I don't know how but she came out of no where, by the time I got to him he was in the ditch I couldn't find the dog."
"Bruce, the guy I talked to today was barley holding up his head. How the hell did he suddenly become Mr. Olympia."
"Shock, fear...I don't know" Bruce replied looking down at the young man who seem to be lost, starring at nothing as if he were looking through him. 'The only thing I am certain of was for one moment in time I had my son back... or part of him. Now I'm not sure he will ever find his way back." Bruce gently wiped the mud from his sons face. He had seen that look before not so long ago. When someone he had grown to love gave everything she had to save his life. The stress was so difficult for her that she withdrew into herself. She was now a four year old trapped in the doctors beautiful body. All hope was lost. "He's gone."
"I don't get what you saying." Roy growled, "The Grayson I know wouldn't just give up."
"LOOK AT HIM" Bruce snapped. "DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE MAN YOU KNEW? THIS MAN HAS GIVEN UP. TO THE POINT HE TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF."
"NO, this doesn't make sense. WHY HELL WOULD HE DO THAT!"
"Roy what went through your head when Dick tossed Lian across the room?"
"I wanted to kill him." The archer admitted.
"But you didn't move. Why?"
"WHY? I DON"T KNOW! ... I guess I saw you there. I guess I can't believe Dick would have ever tried to hurt her intentionally. He acted out of instinct. He must have been asleep when we came in and she startled him. I guess I knew the Dick Grayson I know would be harder on himself than I could ever be." He admitted.
"Exactly. You have an advantage that this young man is missing right now." Bruce told him "he doesn't know Dick Grayson. Except in his sleep when he's reliving the nightmares. Other wise he wakes up to a blank screen and muddled thoughts."
"But suicide?"
"Maybe it wasn't suicide maybe he just froze when he saw the headlights. Still, one of the things I have noticed about Dick's memories are most of them are post Circus life, except for the day his parents died and I am not even sure he realizes that they were his parents. There is no Dick Grayson before that. And since he doesn't talk about the memories I am not sure which memories he has had but for two of them. They are two I will never forget."
"Which two? And how can you tell."
"When Dick first came to live with me," he replied, "he hardly ever slept. At first I thought it was because of the nightmares and the things that had happen to him in JDC. He needed his family; I guess I really didn't know the difference between giving him a place to live and giving him a family. Night after night Alfred would find him sitting on his windowsill or doing calisthenics in the bedroom one night he actually went down the tree and tried to run the fence line. He almost made it to the cliffs. I flipped out it was dark he could have been killed. Leslie told me he might be sleep walking he had done it as a child according to Mr. Haly and she said he was so exhausted his subconscious was in total control. I stayed with him the next night. I sat in the chair next to him while he slept. Less then an hour later he began screaming for his parents reaching out as if he could just stretch enough he could keep them from falling then his eyes would open as wide as they have ever been, the pain seemed to erased the light from them. I will never forget that sound, that look." He paused for a moment waiting for the young Titan member to absorb what he had just heard. Bruce was fairly sure they knew about his nightmares, but the look on the boys face gave him the feeling that they didn't know half of what he thought they knew.
"The other was what Blood had done to him."
"Brother Blood." Roy whispered. He had not been there the first time the Titans faced Brother Blood. Dick was haunted for a long time by the fact that he nearly got his friends killed when "Blood" had messed with his head. Donna had shown Roy pictures of the torture The Titan leader endured but you couldn't convince the son of "the Bat" that a normal person would have not lasted as long as he did before he had back fallen to the mad mans hands.
"I wasn't there" Roy admitted aloud "But I heard about it." Bruce walked over to the computer leaned against it. Did you know that they filmed what they did to him? I know you saw the snapshots but did you know the whole thing was caught by video camera? Bruce's hand shuffled wistfully over the keys as soon as the monitor activated he left the boy watching the film of the incident to get a shower. By the time he had gotten back Roy was no longer in the cave. He quickly looked in on Dick except for being cleaned up there was no apparent change in his condition. Then he ran up the stairs finding the patio doors open he found Roy in the garden kneeling on the ground relieving himself of his dinner. He stood quietly over him making sure he was ok, but made no attempt to disturb him.
"Sorry, Bruce..." Roy groaned still unable to look up.
"Some of it washes away" Bruce replied helping him over to one of the benches in the garden "One day I might tell you what I did after I first saw that film. Or not."
Roy and Bruce were not sure how long they had sat in silence in the garden but it finally became too quiet for Roy.
"Maybe we should check on Dick." Roy pondered starting to feel uncomfortable with this "New" Bruce he was seeing. "The way my luck is going he will remember how to escape from those straps"
"Alfred has a monitor on him. If there is any change even in his breathing he will know. And Leslie is probably with him."
"I don't get it what's up. Bruce?"
Bruce just turned and faced the boy unsure what the young man wanted to know.
"Look you never, never, treated any of us as if we where friends. Ollie used to say if you got any more tight-assed your butt would fall off." He thought he heard Bruce smirk then realized he just called Batman a tight- ass "...Uh, sorry, but this is what I mean. A couple of months ago I would have been messin my pants from the 'look' you would have given me. "
"Sorry"
"See there you go again. What's with this whole human thing?"
"Roy, I hate to tell you this but I am human. Have the scars to prove it."
"Yea Dick used to try and convince us you were too, but you always managed push that theory out the window by just entering the room." Roy explained, "It's like you have been taken over by the pod people."
"How do you know I haven't" Bruce returned with out even blinking.
"Yea ... See... Now that is the Bat we all have come to know and fear."
"Truth"
"Never known a Bat to lie... Just not be forward with info."
"I didn't want you or any of the Titans with in 20 miles of Dick after he first started withdrawing. Although I know it wasn't true I wanted to believe something that was said or done had caused him to begin to shut down." Bruce confessed
"Whoa that is kinda rude on your part. It was Luthor that did this to Dick not The Titans."
"Actually it was I who did this to him."
"What?"
"I trained him; I brought him in to my world. Not and easy world to live in, yet he not only lived it he thrived it. Despite everything he never lost his humanity, until now." Bruce turned and stared off into the distance trying to keep his emotions in check.
"Ever since I brought him back from Europe I have watched him fade, at first it was slow. He seems to struggle with the unknown but he never gave up. Then the dreams returned, or at least noticeably returned. Then the progression became almost immediate; I wanted to hide him from the hurt, but Alfred made a point of telling me by doing that I was condemning him to becoming me. It suddenly made sense I was watching him literally do what I did, but when I withdrew... I had become Batman. If I hadn't need Bruce as a distraction, he would have totally vanished from the world. I mean think about it. If your only memory of your true persona was the death of those you loved, what would you do?"
"Avoid being"
"That's what I tried to make happen to the 'real Bruce Wayne' he died the same day his parents did, or should have, and I watched it happening all over when Dick began to withdraw" . "But he didn't cling to Nightwing." Roy pointed out. "In fact he seems to have dug in deeper. So tell me, what is the difference between Nightwing and Batman?" Roy just looked confused.
"Nightwing isn't a Tightass!" Bruce smirked. The look of shock on Roy's face was priceless.
"Nightwing allowed himself the luxury of friendship. Something I considered a logistic flaw. When Brother Blood took his mind he nearly killed the other members of his team "his friends". Nothing Blood did could have hurt him more than those actions. That was a guilt that he has had to bare for a long time." Bruce paused in thought for a moment then continued "When Dick awoke from surgery he had no clue who he was. Then Garth and Donna showed up something clicked but it wasn't good. Since that day the nightmares started returning. I can only conclude that he is remembering what he had done to them."
Roy sat on the rot iron benches that decorated the patio, holing his head in his hands as if he were trying to keep any of this information from slipping out through his ears.
"The nightmares are rebuilding this Dick Grayson." Bruce continued. "Except, this Dick Grayson died the moment he saw his parents fall, and Nightwing is evil and only brought those around him pain, at least what he remembers of it. Funny, one of the questions he asked me before Superman took him to Star Labs was why we wore the costumes and if we hurt people."
Roy started talking as if someone turned one a switch in his mind and started a computer "His only "known" dreams, slash, memories are of the worse moments in Dick's life. His personality, and inner strength, the results of his parents, People he can't remember but for the moment of their death. Something he has always felt guilty for surviving... Bruce just nodded as Roy continued. "Because he doesn't have any positive memory but still has that over active analytic mind. The guilt has become too much for him, the only choice is to cling to his other self "Nightwing'" Roy looked up for conformation from Bruce then continued. "But if all you remember is what Blood forced in to his head about the evils of what the uniform stood for and what you did to your friends when in that uniform, that would make him evil. Am I getting the gist?
Bruce nodded
"So basically, he is running away from the "evil" part of him because somewhere trapped deep inside is the 'little orphan Dicky' and his whole 'the sun will come up tomorrow' attitude that will not allow him to do something bad intentionally."
"That would be my best guess." Bruce agreed,
"So Alfred is right, somewhere in that man down stairs is the same kid that kept our fearless leader from always staying under the effects of the drugs all those time Blood got to him. The one that kept him from just slugging me all the times I ticked him off." Roy paused again to see Bruce acknowledged his theory. "Whew, I always knew one day all that thinking would short out his brain. This is nuts. So explain tonight?"
"Same thing, but probably the last straw. If he was dream sequencing when Lian ran to him when his eyes open his reactions where instinctive... but to him only added to the nightmare, he nearly hurt someone The inner self knows he cares deeply about, it was enough of a shock to shake up our Dick Grayson, You remember what happened to Dick after the Blood fiasco, and you are all capable of taking care of your selves. But Lian? She is an innocent. I don't think he could live with that. And from what I saw, he won't live with that."
"You sound like you talk from experience".
"I guess I do". Bruce looked all too human as he sat on the cast iron bench of the garden "Someone ... Someone I let myself get close too... was forced to use a gift she had for evil purposes. Something, totally against what she was. Like Dick, she withdrew. I got the best help money could buy. Eventually she came back but only to a time, when she was happiest a time before her gift had become known. She is now a four year old in the body of a 36-year-old woman. Doctors told me she would never be anymore than the little girl she is now."
"So because Dick doesn't remember his happy life with his parent life as little Dicky Grayson circus performer he... will stay locked away inside his own mind. There is no hope?"
"Most of what Dick is, as a man, was built into him through his relationship with his parents. Lord knows; I can't take credit for any of it. It is why he could so easily adapt to being part of a family, if all he remembers of his family is their death. He has nothing to build good memories on. Until last night he's never shown any sign of come back. Would you want to come back to the stuff he has survived if there is no happiness there? When he thought he hurt Lian, I think it destroyed any chance of Dick Grayson ever returning
Neither man noticed the little pair of green eyes that had watched them from behind the Curtain in the den. Or the tear that ran down her cheek.
Chapter 13
Roy stood speechless as Bruce placed Dick on the bed in the medlab. His friend made no effort to move as he placed heavy leather straps around his arms legs and torso. He just stared at the stalactite-laden ceiling of the cave and continued to mumble. Roy stepped up to the bedside stunned by what he was seeing. "You wanna tell me what the hell just happened." At first Bruce ignored him then he looked over at Alfred who came out of nowhere with a blanket and cup of coffee which Bruce drank greedily. Then he turned to Roy and led him from the room.
"His memories are returning," He said bluntly.
"Yea, even my four year old figured that out. But why is he acting like this? What happened after you guys left? Why is he totally catatonic, and you both covered in mud?"
"I don't know why I didn't see this coming. He was always so hard on himself." Bruce mumbled.
"HEY remember me the one who's daughter you two where playing catch with." Roy Growled. "I want some answers."
"Dick just tried to kill himself." Bruce waited for a reply but when not was forthcoming he continued "He stood himself in the pathway of a Semi- Truck coming down the main road. They never saw him till it was nearly too late."
"Thank God you got to him." Alfred murmured.
"I didn't. Ace knocked him out of the way."
'The Dog? How...?"
"I don't know how but she came out of no where, by the time I got to him he was in the ditch I couldn't find the dog."
"Bruce, the guy I talked to today was barley holding up his head. How the hell did he suddenly become Mr. Olympia."
"Shock, fear...I don't know" Bruce replied looking down at the young man who seem to be lost, starring at nothing as if he were looking through him. 'The only thing I am certain of was for one moment in time I had my son back... or part of him. Now I'm not sure he will ever find his way back." Bruce gently wiped the mud from his sons face. He had seen that look before not so long ago. When someone he had grown to love gave everything she had to save his life. The stress was so difficult for her that she withdrew into herself. She was now a four year old trapped in the doctors beautiful body. All hope was lost. "He's gone."
"I don't get what you saying." Roy growled, "The Grayson I know wouldn't just give up."
"LOOK AT HIM" Bruce snapped. "DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE MAN YOU KNEW? THIS MAN HAS GIVEN UP. TO THE POINT HE TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF."
"NO, this doesn't make sense. WHY HELL WOULD HE DO THAT!"
"Roy what went through your head when Dick tossed Lian across the room?"
"I wanted to kill him." The archer admitted.
"But you didn't move. Why?"
"WHY? I DON"T KNOW! ... I guess I saw you there. I guess I can't believe Dick would have ever tried to hurt her intentionally. He acted out of instinct. He must have been asleep when we came in and she startled him. I guess I knew the Dick Grayson I know would be harder on himself than I could ever be." He admitted.
"Exactly. You have an advantage that this young man is missing right now." Bruce told him "he doesn't know Dick Grayson. Except in his sleep when he's reliving the nightmares. Other wise he wakes up to a blank screen and muddled thoughts."
"But suicide?"
"Maybe it wasn't suicide maybe he just froze when he saw the headlights. Still, one of the things I have noticed about Dick's memories are most of them are post Circus life, except for the day his parents died and I am not even sure he realizes that they were his parents. There is no Dick Grayson before that. And since he doesn't talk about the memories I am not sure which memories he has had but for two of them. They are two I will never forget."
"Which two? And how can you tell."
"When Dick first came to live with me," he replied, "he hardly ever slept. At first I thought it was because of the nightmares and the things that had happen to him in JDC. He needed his family; I guess I really didn't know the difference between giving him a place to live and giving him a family. Night after night Alfred would find him sitting on his windowsill or doing calisthenics in the bedroom one night he actually went down the tree and tried to run the fence line. He almost made it to the cliffs. I flipped out it was dark he could have been killed. Leslie told me he might be sleep walking he had done it as a child according to Mr. Haly and she said he was so exhausted his subconscious was in total control. I stayed with him the next night. I sat in the chair next to him while he slept. Less then an hour later he began screaming for his parents reaching out as if he could just stretch enough he could keep them from falling then his eyes would open as wide as they have ever been, the pain seemed to erased the light from them. I will never forget that sound, that look." He paused for a moment waiting for the young Titan member to absorb what he had just heard. Bruce was fairly sure they knew about his nightmares, but the look on the boys face gave him the feeling that they didn't know half of what he thought they knew.
"The other was what Blood had done to him."
"Brother Blood." Roy whispered. He had not been there the first time the Titans faced Brother Blood. Dick was haunted for a long time by the fact that he nearly got his friends killed when "Blood" had messed with his head. Donna had shown Roy pictures of the torture The Titan leader endured but you couldn't convince the son of "the Bat" that a normal person would have not lasted as long as he did before he had back fallen to the mad mans hands.
"I wasn't there" Roy admitted aloud "But I heard about it." Bruce walked over to the computer leaned against it. Did you know that they filmed what they did to him? I know you saw the snapshots but did you know the whole thing was caught by video camera? Bruce's hand shuffled wistfully over the keys as soon as the monitor activated he left the boy watching the film of the incident to get a shower. By the time he had gotten back Roy was no longer in the cave. He quickly looked in on Dick except for being cleaned up there was no apparent change in his condition. Then he ran up the stairs finding the patio doors open he found Roy in the garden kneeling on the ground relieving himself of his dinner. He stood quietly over him making sure he was ok, but made no attempt to disturb him.
"Sorry, Bruce..." Roy groaned still unable to look up.
"Some of it washes away" Bruce replied helping him over to one of the benches in the garden "One day I might tell you what I did after I first saw that film. Or not."
Roy and Bruce were not sure how long they had sat in silence in the garden but it finally became too quiet for Roy.
"Maybe we should check on Dick." Roy pondered starting to feel uncomfortable with this "New" Bruce he was seeing. "The way my luck is going he will remember how to escape from those straps"
"Alfred has a monitor on him. If there is any change even in his breathing he will know. And Leslie is probably with him."
"I don't get it what's up. Bruce?"
Bruce just turned and faced the boy unsure what the young man wanted to know.
"Look you never, never, treated any of us as if we where friends. Ollie used to say if you got any more tight-assed your butt would fall off." He thought he heard Bruce smirk then realized he just called Batman a tight- ass "...Uh, sorry, but this is what I mean. A couple of months ago I would have been messin my pants from the 'look' you would have given me. "
"Sorry"
"See there you go again. What's with this whole human thing?"
"Roy, I hate to tell you this but I am human. Have the scars to prove it."
"Yea Dick used to try and convince us you were too, but you always managed push that theory out the window by just entering the room." Roy explained, "It's like you have been taken over by the pod people."
"How do you know I haven't" Bruce returned with out even blinking.
"Yea ... See... Now that is the Bat we all have come to know and fear."
"Truth"
"Never known a Bat to lie... Just not be forward with info."
"I didn't want you or any of the Titans with in 20 miles of Dick after he first started withdrawing. Although I know it wasn't true I wanted to believe something that was said or done had caused him to begin to shut down." Bruce confessed
"Whoa that is kinda rude on your part. It was Luthor that did this to Dick not The Titans."
"Actually it was I who did this to him."
"What?"
"I trained him; I brought him in to my world. Not and easy world to live in, yet he not only lived it he thrived it. Despite everything he never lost his humanity, until now." Bruce turned and stared off into the distance trying to keep his emotions in check.
"Ever since I brought him back from Europe I have watched him fade, at first it was slow. He seems to struggle with the unknown but he never gave up. Then the dreams returned, or at least noticeably returned. Then the progression became almost immediate; I wanted to hide him from the hurt, but Alfred made a point of telling me by doing that I was condemning him to becoming me. It suddenly made sense I was watching him literally do what I did, but when I withdrew... I had become Batman. If I hadn't need Bruce as a distraction, he would have totally vanished from the world. I mean think about it. If your only memory of your true persona was the death of those you loved, what would you do?"
"Avoid being"
"That's what I tried to make happen to the 'real Bruce Wayne' he died the same day his parents did, or should have, and I watched it happening all over when Dick began to withdraw" . "But he didn't cling to Nightwing." Roy pointed out. "In fact he seems to have dug in deeper. So tell me, what is the difference between Nightwing and Batman?" Roy just looked confused.
"Nightwing isn't a Tightass!" Bruce smirked. The look of shock on Roy's face was priceless.
"Nightwing allowed himself the luxury of friendship. Something I considered a logistic flaw. When Brother Blood took his mind he nearly killed the other members of his team "his friends". Nothing Blood did could have hurt him more than those actions. That was a guilt that he has had to bare for a long time." Bruce paused in thought for a moment then continued "When Dick awoke from surgery he had no clue who he was. Then Garth and Donna showed up something clicked but it wasn't good. Since that day the nightmares started returning. I can only conclude that he is remembering what he had done to them."
Roy sat on the rot iron benches that decorated the patio, holing his head in his hands as if he were trying to keep any of this information from slipping out through his ears.
"The nightmares are rebuilding this Dick Grayson." Bruce continued. "Except, this Dick Grayson died the moment he saw his parents fall, and Nightwing is evil and only brought those around him pain, at least what he remembers of it. Funny, one of the questions he asked me before Superman took him to Star Labs was why we wore the costumes and if we hurt people."
Roy started talking as if someone turned one a switch in his mind and started a computer "His only "known" dreams, slash, memories are of the worse moments in Dick's life. His personality, and inner strength, the results of his parents, People he can't remember but for the moment of their death. Something he has always felt guilty for surviving... Bruce just nodded as Roy continued. "Because he doesn't have any positive memory but still has that over active analytic mind. The guilt has become too much for him, the only choice is to cling to his other self "Nightwing'" Roy looked up for conformation from Bruce then continued. "But if all you remember is what Blood forced in to his head about the evils of what the uniform stood for and what you did to your friends when in that uniform, that would make him evil. Am I getting the gist?
Bruce nodded
"So basically, he is running away from the "evil" part of him because somewhere trapped deep inside is the 'little orphan Dicky' and his whole 'the sun will come up tomorrow' attitude that will not allow him to do something bad intentionally."
"That would be my best guess." Bruce agreed,
"So Alfred is right, somewhere in that man down stairs is the same kid that kept our fearless leader from always staying under the effects of the drugs all those time Blood got to him. The one that kept him from just slugging me all the times I ticked him off." Roy paused again to see Bruce acknowledged his theory. "Whew, I always knew one day all that thinking would short out his brain. This is nuts. So explain tonight?"
"Same thing, but probably the last straw. If he was dream sequencing when Lian ran to him when his eyes open his reactions where instinctive... but to him only added to the nightmare, he nearly hurt someone The inner self knows he cares deeply about, it was enough of a shock to shake up our Dick Grayson, You remember what happened to Dick after the Blood fiasco, and you are all capable of taking care of your selves. But Lian? She is an innocent. I don't think he could live with that. And from what I saw, he won't live with that."
"You sound like you talk from experience".
"I guess I do". Bruce looked all too human as he sat on the cast iron bench of the garden "Someone ... Someone I let myself get close too... was forced to use a gift she had for evil purposes. Something, totally against what she was. Like Dick, she withdrew. I got the best help money could buy. Eventually she came back but only to a time, when she was happiest a time before her gift had become known. She is now a four year old in the body of a 36-year-old woman. Doctors told me she would never be anymore than the little girl she is now."
"So because Dick doesn't remember his happy life with his parent life as little Dicky Grayson circus performer he... will stay locked away inside his own mind. There is no hope?"
"Most of what Dick is, as a man, was built into him through his relationship with his parents. Lord knows; I can't take credit for any of it. It is why he could so easily adapt to being part of a family, if all he remembers of his family is their death. He has nothing to build good memories on. Until last night he's never shown any sign of come back. Would you want to come back to the stuff he has survived if there is no happiness there? When he thought he hurt Lian, I think it destroyed any chance of Dick Grayson ever returning
Neither man noticed the little pair of green eyes that had watched them from behind the Curtain in the den. Or the tear that ran down her cheek.
