A/N In this chapter I've used a song that is from a time period outside of when this story is based on. This story is based in November of 1989 and I used a song that was released in 2009. I did try to find a song from the same period that the story is written in but honestly the song used fit perfectly to the story that i had to use it. So since this is fanfic we're going to suspend reality a bit here and pretend like the song was around in 2009.
"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in; their true beauty is revealed only if there light is from within." Elizabeth Kubler Ross
Twenty year old David Jareau stood in front the mirror, focusing on the mundane task of tying his tie. His mind refused to cooperate, what should have been a quick task was taking far too long. His thoughts kept moving to his sister, and those thoughts made the anger inside him boil.
David was angry at Rosaline, he was mad that she had made such a permanent decision to what could have been a short term problem. He was mad at her for letting their little sister find her dying. David was mad at his parents, shouldn't they have seen the pain their own daughter was in? Shouldn't they have been able to see that there was something wrong with their child? How is it that Rosaline was able to hide her pain, both the internal pain she had suppressed and the physical pain she had been causing to herself? How was it possible that parents who claimed to be so close to their child could have missed the scars that littered the seventeen year olds body?
David's anger wasn't limited to his own family, he was angry at Rosaline's so called 'friends'. They were the ones who claimed to know they seventeen year old the best, weren't they? They saw her day after day, surely they had seen just the depths of her pain, of her depression, and yet they never spoke up, the refused to break the so called bonds of friendship; afraid to betray the girl they called their best friend. Maybe, if just one of them had said something about what was going on with his sister then someone could have helped her.
David was full of anger, anger that he was happy to direct on anyone else. Deep down David knew the anger belonged to him and only him. He had missed his sisters pain, missed how far gone she had become. He was Rosaline's big brother and he was supposed to protect her, to make sure no one caused her any pain. It was his duty to keep her from hurting, and he had, in his own mind, failed.
He was three years old the day his parents had brought Rosaline home. Being so young he didn't have many memories of becoming a big brother for the first time. David could remember holding his small hand against his mother's growing belly, mesmerized by the soft kicks from the little brother or sister he couldn't wait to meet. David remembered the day they brought home the small bundle of pink blankets, Michael putting Rosaline in her brother's arms for the first time.
His memories of being a big brother were a blur until around the time he was six, it was then that his role of big brother really hit home. It was just a few days after his sixth birthday and he had gotten a new football from his grandparents, all the other boys had been jealous, it was after all just like the one real football players used. David always tried to be a good big brother, he'd try to include his younger sister, but on the sunny Saturday afternoon he just wanted to play with his friends.
David had been torn between the nearly four year old little girl, sitting on the steps of their house, her eyes looking up at him, the puppy dog look long ago perfected. On the other side of the fence five boys stood pleading with their friend, begging him to ditch his sister just this once.
"Please Davie," Rosaline had begged, "I play fooseball to?"
David had rolled his eyes, something about the way she mispronounced such an important word cause him to become more annoyed with her. "It's football Rosaline," his voice louder and harsher than he meant, "Besides, girls don't play football." David turned away from his sister, leaving her behind, oblivious of the tears that now covered her chubby cheeks.
That evening Michael had his first of many 'man-to-man' talks with his son. From that day David had taken his role as big brother serious. He didn't always include Rosaline, or later JJ, in what he was doing. He did however make sure no one, especially himself, ever hurt his sisters.
Sandy Jareau sat on the edge of the bed in the spare bedroom they had called home since Rosaline had died. The only light illuminated from the window behind her. Sandy had barely mustered the energy to get up and get dressed, the black dress she wore reinforced just what they were doing today.
Sandy wasn't ready for what they had to do today, all she wanted to do was climb under the covers and hide from the world. Parents weren't supposed to bury their children, Sandy wasn't supposed to be saying goodbye to Rosaline in such a permanent way. Under the covers Sandy could retreat to a world far away from this one. In the perfect world of her dreams she had her family, her whole family, happy and healthy.
The sound of the opening door drew Sandy's eyes away from the bed to the familiar features of the man she called hers for so long. "Sandy, everyone's here." Michael referred to their extended family, which included two sets of grandparents and a slew of Aunts, Uncles, and cousins, "the cars will be here in fifteen minutes."
Sandy's only response came in the form of a small nod of her head. Michael crossed over the room sitter next to his grieving wife. Michael wrapped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her next to him, the scent of her hair filling his senses. "We'll get through this baby, together we'll get through this."
Despite their effort to comfort his words seemed cold to the mother who had lost so much. Sandy didn't know how you got "through" the loss of a child, she didn't understand how he could be so calm when in just a few hours they would be lowering her baby girl into the cold hard ground. Where Sandy felt like a complete wreck Michael seem unfazed by what was happening, moving along like this was a normal part of living.
Michael wiped the tears from his wife's pale face, he was worried about her, she had hardly eaten anything in days, and aside to meet with the funeral director she had kept herself locked away in the dark room. Sandy seemed frozen in place, while Michael was trying to find a way to get his family through this with as minimal hurt as possible. "Sand I think, I mean, well after the funeral it's time we went home, to our house."
Sandy could feel her heard skip a beat, home? How could they go home? Was there really even a home to go back to now? That house was the last place where Rosaline was alive, it was also the place where Rosaline had taken her own life. Sandy didn't think she could ever go back there. Sandy's mind was frozen in fear, her body on autopilot, she could feel the up and down movement of her head, agreeing to go back there, all the while her mind cursing him for the mere suggestion.
Michael gave his wife a comforting smile before kissing her forehead, "OK" he whispered, he knew going home was for the best. They could never move on if they didn't face the demons that waited for them in that house. A soft knock on the door pulled his attention from his wife to his elven year old daughter, "You about ready Jennifer?"
The small girl only nodded her head, she was almost oblivious to her father's use of her given name. JJ held a black ribbon towards her mother, an obvious sign she was looking for Sandy's help. Once Michael was gone Sandy looked over to her youngest baby. The eleven year old standing in the doorway wasn't the same girl from just a few days ago. Sandy's innocent eleven year old had seemed to have aged over night. Her bright blue eyes a pale shade of blue, almost grey, the sparkle they had once held was gone. The smile JJ seemed to have been born with was gone, it seemed to have taken her precocious trouble maker with it.
JJ was wearing a black sleeveless dress that cut off just above her knees, it was paired with stocking and black Mary-Jane's. What had been deemed to be an appropriate funeral dress, only enhanced the change in the young girl. Sandy gave the blonde a sad smile, knowing it had taken a tragedy of this magnitude to get the 'tom-boy' in the dress so willingly.
Forgetting her own grief for the moment Sandy held a hand out to her youngest child. "Come here baby," JJ's blue eyes filled with tears as she threw herself in her mother's outstretched arms, she wrapped herself around her mother burying her face in Sandy's chest. Holding on to her crying daughter Sandy felt both the grief of losing one child and the guilt that associated itself with grief. Sandy had let her grief over losing Rosaline consume her that she had forgotten about the pain her other child must be feeling.
Sandy's eyes closed as she pulled JJ closer to her, almost afraid to let her go. Unlike Michael she didn't whisper empty words, promising that everything would be ok, because Sandy knew it was possible their family would never be 'ok' again. Holding tightly to the child that was left behind, rocking her back and forth, first the first time in days Sandy almost felt like she could breathe again.
Raising three kids Sandy knew, like all other mothers, that there's a moment when your child's missing or in pain where it feels like you can't catch your breath. A woman's body goes through physical and emotional changes when she becomes a mother. There's an innate change that occurs that can't be explained. And a mother, when she has no control over the hurt or pain her child maybe in, it's like her body forgets the most basic task of breathing, and until her child is safe again, it feels like her body is suffocating. From the moment Sandy had found Rosaline dying in their family bathroom she had been drowning, and she wasn't sure if she would ever really be able to breathe again.
As JJ's tears subsided Sandy moved on to the task that had brought JJ in there in the first place. Sandy had the blonde sit on the bed next to her, Sandy running a brush through J's silky blonde hair.
"Can you it like Roz's?" JJ asked meekly. Sandy chocked back a sob, JJ's request making the task that much harder. Rosaline had loved having her hair styled, JJ had been content in just throwing her hair back in a ponytail or a quick French braid.
Sandy took her child's hand, guiding her into the nearby bathroom where she made quick work of JJ's long blonde hair. When she was done JJ's hair was in a half ponytail the rest of her hair was left in soft curls. "You look so grown up Jennifer." Sandy stared at their reflection in the mirror, amazed at how much JJ suddenly looked like Rosaline.
The Jareau family sat quietly in the front pew of the church. Around them their friends and family were slowly filling the remaining pews.
East Alleghany was a tight knit community, the adage 'It take a villageā¦' couldn't be truer here. Everybody knew each other in their small community, they were more than just neighbors they were family. They looked out for each other, they watched after the children here like every child was their own.
It wasn't just the Jareau family that felt the pain of Rosaline's death. Classmates had lost a friend, teachers had lost a pupil that was more like a daughter or younger sister. Parent across town were left with the same kind of hole in their heart as if it had been their own child. Today they were all mourn the girl whose life had been cut too short.
"You must have been in a Place so dark you couldn't feel the light Reachin' for you through that stormy cloud now here we are gathered in our little hometown this can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd"
The music filled the church where Rosaline had been baptized, it was the same church where Michael and Sandy had been married, and both of their parents had been married there. It didn't escape Roz's family that this was where they should be watching Rosaline get married, not mourning her loss at seventeen.
"Oh why, that's what I keep asking, Was there anything I could've Said or done Oh, I had no clue you were Masking A troubled soul, God only knows What went wrong and why You would leave the stage In the middle of a song"
The music continued as still photos of the bright young woman flashed across the screen. A much younger Mike and Sandy standing with a three year old David and a new born Rosaline held safely in her father's arms. Rosaline with her chubby cheeks and fat legs taking her first timid steps, a beaming Sandy standing there ready to catch her if she fell. One by one the pictures of her life reminded her family and friends of how she lived her life.
"Now in my mind I'll keep you frozen As a seventeen-year-old Rounding third to score the Winning run You always played with passion No matter what the game When you took the stage You'd shine just like the sun"
Seventeen years isn't anywhere near enough time to live, but in those seventeen years Rosaline's life was filled with love; the love she shared with others and the love they gave in return. Memories were all that were left of the seventeen year old, memories that would be forever frozen in pictures and in people's minds.
"Oh why, that's what I keep asking Was there anything I could've Said or done Oh, I had no clue you were
Masking A troubled soul, God only knows What went wrong and why You would leave the stage In the middle of a song"
Would pictures be enough? Was a life frozen in time a three years old covered in mud with her big brother, smiles plastering their innocent faces enough to placate the people Rosaline had left behind? Life is short, it doesn't matter if you're seventeen or fifty-seven or ninety-seven it never feels like the time someone spends on earth is enough. But, when a child dies the shortness of life just seems unfair, and all that's left for those left behind is a stack of pictures and the question of 'why'?
"Now the oak trees are swaying In the early autumn breeze A golden sun is shining on my face Through tangled thoughts I hear a mockingbird sing This old world really ain't that Bad of a place"
The pictures began to slow, after all seventeen years of pictures weren't enough to last the lifetime they needed. Pictures of Rosaline and JJ playing piano during church elicited soft sobs from the crowd, while the picture of David and Rosaline tickling a seven year old JJ caused a guilt filled giggle from the mourners. Pictures like that were there to remind people not just of the grief of losing a seventeen year old but that it was ok to laugh and ok to remember the time before she had gone. While seventeen years wasn't enough, there were seventeen years of memories and seventeen years worth of love. Today, they wouldn't think about how she died they would remember how she lived and how much they loved her, because in the end that was what is important.
Oh why, there's no comprehending And who am I to try to Judge or explain Oh, but I do have one Burning question Who told you life wasn't Worth the fight They were wrong, they lied Now you're gone and we cry 'Cause it's not like you to Walk away In the middle of a song
Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song"
"Rosaline Anne Jareau." The pastor began as the music faded and the last school picture of Rosaline froze in place. "Rosaline, or as she is affectionately known 'Roz'. Was born August 15th, 1972 and went home to the Lord on November 12th, 1989. Seventeen years, not nearly long enough." Pastor Jerry took a breath, eulogizing the young girl was harder than he ever imagined. "Rosaline is survived by parent's Michael and Sandra Jareau. Older brother and sister-in-law David and Sarah Jareau. Younger sister Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau. Fraternal grandparents Johnathan and Susan Jareau, maternal grandparents Fredrick and Rosaline Rohner, as well as numerous Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins."
For the next hour they remembered they Rosaline that they loved, not the one so deep in depression she took her own life. Rosaline's Uncle Mark talked about the curious girl who had such a thirst for knowledge, always asking how things worked. Classmates smiled at the memories they shared; the summer at Cheerleading camp, late night study groups, school dances and football games. Teacher after teacher talked about the small girl that had matured into a young woman right before their eyes.
Michael found himself standing in front of his family and friends, suddenly regretting agreeing to talk about his baby girl. It had been enough to sit through the service, people's memories of his daughter should have brought him peace, the pastor's assurance that Roz was in a 'better place' should have given him home. Instead his grief only increased, his loss hitting him deeper than he thought possible. Facing the audience he inhaled deeply, gripping the pulpit tightly, and needing to be strong for his family, but more importantly for his Rosaline.
Michael looked down at his broken family; David, his face an unreadable mask held his wife. Sandy, whose tears moved freely down her cheeks, her deep brown eyes the picture of grief; and finally his JJ. His little soccer champ who broke her ankle without releasing a single tear sat straight up next to her mother, the child's hands clenched tightly as blue eyes locked on her father; her Daddy. Michael could tell she was trying to be strong, it was the tears that she could hold in that gave her sadness away. Michael swore in that moment to be his family's rock, to never see those looks again.
"Thank you all for your love and support, you can't know how much it means to our family." Michael put on the stoic mask that would become his signature.
"I will not insult you by trying to tell you that one day you will forget. I know as well as you that you will not. But, at least, in time you will not remember as fiercely as you do now - and I pray that that time may be soon." Terence Rattigan
The song used during Rosaline's funeral is "Why" by Rascal Flatts, if you havent heard it, it is worth a listen. Thanks for reading.
