OLIVIA trembled beneath Peter's weight after he fainted and when his head hit the lawn.
Just… Stop… Stop… Hurting him…-she thought with the mixture of desperation and anger, knowing she was powerless, that there was nothing she could do, nothing she could say that would stop the unsub.
Thankfully, the electrical charging ceased to whirl ominously around the glass dome and silence fell all around them for several seconds.
There was a loud "clang" behind her and Olivia recognized the sound of the "pantry" door opening.
-TAKE HIM. I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED. YOU-I WANTED TO GET RID OF. BUT KEN WAS A GOOD, OBEDIENT DOLL. UP TILL NOW. YOU SPOILED HIM. HE'S DOING ALL WRONG. THE LAST TASK WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE EVENING. BUT I WILL GIVE BOTH OF YOU ONLY THREE HOURS. AND THEN IT IS SHOWTIME AGAIN. NEXT TIME I WON'T BE SO FORGIVING. IF HE WANTS TO BELITTLE HIMSELF AND LOSE A LIMB FOR YOU SO BE IT. THERE ARE PLENTY OF DOLLS IN THE WORLD. HE NEEDS TO REALIZE IT. ONE OF YOU WILL HAVE TO BE PUNISHED IF YOU FAIL AND YOU WILL GET TO CHOSE WHO, OF COURSE. THE OTHER ONE MAY WALK FREE. I HAVE GROWN TIRED OF PLAYING THIS GAME WITH YOU TWO. I NEED NEW DOLLS NOW.
Olivia struggled to stand up. She was repulsed by everything, by the nature of the unsub psyche, by the words he was saying and by his twisted, insane mind. But she felt strong. She needed to be strong for Peter, for all those other people who might become his victims in the future. They didn't have much time. She knew they needed to stall but the unsub had just taken that extra time away from them. Olivia wondered if Charlie, Walter, Astrid and Broyles had managed to figure something out, if they had found Caleb Carmichael's photo and if they had questioned him.
Next time we get out here in the open, when… When Peter feels better…If we don't do the task well and if he begins the torture, we have to… We have to mention Caleb Carmichael to the unsub. Maybe that will give us more time and make him talk.
Fighting back tears, she managed to wriggle out under Peter's heavy and seemingly lifeless body. She swiftly took off the high-heeled wedding shoes and started pulling him slowly, but securely, towards the only place where they could be truly alone, towards their little sanctuary.
Olivia was beginning to think of the pantry like of their personal fort, hidden from the eyes and ears of the unsub.
The dress was bothering her but there was no way in hell she was going to take it off in front of the unsub and give him a good show.
After almost quarter of an hour, she managed to pull Peter's limp body inside and then the door decisively shut down behind her.
That sound was music to Olivia's ears and she shook her head slightly, in disbelief, thinking how strange that was, the fact that she was actually relieved she was locked up and away from the unsub in this small dirty room, where she could rest from that incessant observing, from those lunatic demands and that robotic humanless voice.
Her scars went deep into her soul and the spinal tap wound started throbbing again.
Olivia didn't feel whole, she felt crippled, mutilated by those recent awful experiences and she wondered whether she'd be stronger for this case if she hadn't been previously abducted last week.
And then there was Peter. Always one step behind her, always in her shadow, always looking at her with those watchful, worried eyes.
He did his best. I… I really can't blame him for anything. He… He was good on this job. We wouldn't have made it this far without him. The reason why I passed the first two tasks anyway was his pretense cheerfulness, his kindness that relaxed me, that made it possible for me to play along. And I threw all that away, I threw away the months of our friendship because of…-she couldn't think about that kiss, not now. The kiss she actually responded to.
It was an accident… It… It must have been. The stress, the circumstances, Peter's desire for closeness. He was so sorry later. And I didn't even give him time to explain, I… I hit him, I sent him away. And it wasn't even his fault. It was me and my mind playing tricks on me… I got punished for my own stupidity, for… Thinking about John and for… Seeing him there.
And what Peter just did for me… God, that was so stupid of him…-Olivia shook her head furiously, not knowing whether to pull him onto the bed or to hit him as he was lying there on the floor, unconscious.
He could have died-she bit her lip nervously trying to banish the thought of lifeless Peter's form from her mind.
Then he would have abandoned me too.
What am I saying? We might both die anyway.
She placed her head in her hands and sighed deeply, willing herself to calm down. Then she somehow managed to pull Peter onto the bed and place him to lay on the side, mindful of his injuries, wincing at the traces of blood on his calves and his back.
Her hand tenderly caressed Peter's forehead removing a disobedient lock of hair.
-Liv.
Olivia jumped, facing John's penetrative stare as she quickly turned around.
-John-she blushed, suddenly feeling uncomfortable, as if she were caught in the act of doing something extremely wrong and inappropriate.
John came closer to her and now he was looking down on Peter's motionless form with the mixture of curiosity and sadness.
-I am so sorry, Liv.
-For what?-her lips were dry but tears were forming in the corners of her eyes at the sight of the man she used to love so much. The man who was no more.
-For not being able to help you. For… Not being here for you. And for… Causing you problems.
-It's not your fault, John-her trembling fingertips touched his jaw line.
-But he does an excellent substitute job, I must admit-John stated bitterly motioning towards Peter.
-John. Peter is…-she bit her lip.
-I know who he is. I have been observing him through your eyes during all this time.
-Then you know there is nothing between us. Nothing like that-she stated decisively, and approached his tall figure in a dark blue suit. –We are just colleagues.
-That's how the two of us started out as well, remember?-his wide smile disarmed her and Olivia allowed herself to snort in an amusing laugh.
-John, this is different.
-It is. And I can feel it. It slowly runs its course, leisurely but persistently, building up in both of you. Still waters that run deep.
-No, I… You're wrong.
-Liv-he caressed her cheek and she closed her eyes reveling in that imaginary touch, fully knowing John was only a product of her mind but telling herself otherwise. -Listen to me, Liv. When I met you, I was instantly smitten with you. You were wary in the beginning; you wouldn't allow yourself to lose in feelings for me. You were controlling those emotions until you were completely certain you wanted something with me. But you were yourself. You were whole. But when you met him… You were scarred. You were hurt. Because I had just died, and you felt lost, you felt as if there was nothing to hold on to. You needed him. You made him stay in Boston and you know it's true, even if you won't admit it to yourself. And without realizing, you would always reach precisely for him to comfort you, adding one more invisible thread to your relationship, strengthening your connection. Your lives are so intertwined now that it is impossible for me to discern where one of you begins and where the other one ends. The bond you share with him… After mere six months… It's incredible. It's stronger than anything we ever had, that need for constant solace and tenderness you seem to have in his presence. And you are not even a couple yet, as we were. And like I told you before: with me, you wouldn't allow yourself to become immersed in what you were starting to feel. With him… You can't even control how you feel. You lose yourself in him like you did by the pool.
-I… I don't love him.
-Not yet. Not consciously.
-And…-she feverishly started, looking for more arguments.–He… He doesn't care about me in that way either.
John smiled sadly.
-Do you really believe in that or that's what you've been saying to yourself to stop yourself from thinking in that direction, Liv?
-He likes me as he might like any other girl. I am not special to him in any way. He's just… A flirt. It's nothing.
-You are so wrong, love. He just sacrificed himself for you. And he changed a lot with you around. And so did you under his influence, you just… Don't see that still. He's a good guy. Big heart. Looking after the people he cares about. The reason why you choose not to see that yet is because you are afraid of… Loving again. But you have to allow yourself to fall in love once more, Olivia. Don't condemn yourself to solitude. I'm gone-he whispered and she fell onto his chest, now almost sobbing.
-John, I…
-I know you think me a traitor. I hope I proved you wrong-she winced remembering the ring she found among his stuff. –But I only want what's best for you. And seeing you two together… He just might be better for you than I would ever be. Sometimes I think… Had I survived… You would still choose him, eventually.
-That is not true-she was shaking her head angrily but he simply smiled.
-Let go, Liv. You have to let go of me. Soon, I will leave your mind forever and…
-Don't.-tears were running uncontrollably down her face.
-You don't need me anymore, baby. But you just won't admit it to yourself-John looked at Peter once more. –He's gonna be fine. The wounds aren't fatal.
Olivia sighed in a relief welcoming the change of the conversation topic.
-John-she suddenly remembered. –Do you know… Who is doing all this?
-No. Sorry, baby, I don't. Whoever it is, it has more to do with Walter Bishop's experiments in the past than with the work I was assigned to do as a part of an FBI unit.
-John… What if we both die? What if… The time runs out for Peter and me?
-Be strong, Liv. Be brave. Lean onto him and he'll lean on to you and that will have to do. Keep him close to your heart, baby… Don't be scared.
With those final words, his silhouette disappeared and Olivia felt more alone than ever.
Looking back at Peter's contours, she realized she didn't dare to touch him yet, despite what John had said earlier about Peter's wounds not being critical. She did know the exact nature of Peter's injuries so she simply sat next to the bed looking at him calmly and tenderly, waiting for him to wake up and thinking about what she should do next.
Peter started stirring after ten minutes or so and then he moaned loudly, trying to stand up even before he opened his eyes. Sensing he was too weak to do so, Peter eventually gave it up and carefully glanced around him. Having seen Olivia's intent, worried gaze bearing into him, he managed a feeble smile.
-Well, hello, wife of mine-he muttered barely audibly. -Ugh…My back and my groin hurt… Those sweet legs you've got, Dunham, also serve for kicking, not just for dancing and showing off, apparently. But… You couldn't shake me off, could you?-he grinned triumphantly. -The unsub has been feeding me better than Walter, I think I might have gained a pound or two during these three days.
-Peter, that was so stupid-those were the first words that flew out Olivia's mouth. She wasn't able to control her annoyance.
-Yeah… You know what they say… Family comes first. I had to protect my bride and the future mother of my children. "For better or for worse, in sickness and in health." Remember that? We've just taken our vows, woman! I see your lovely gams and arms are intact so I take that as a sign that I've succeeded in my endeavour.
-How are you feeling?-she inquired seriously and urgently, with a civil tone of voice.
-Um. Thunderstruck. Or like I've just ridden the lightning. There's a nice AC/DC vs. Metallica combination which pretty much sums it up.
-I was waiting for you to wake up, but now I am going to see how bad it is-Olivia stated, leaning towards him and starting to take of his tuxedo and his shirt. Peter roared in pain. He had a feeling that Olivia ripped his skin away along with the clothes she had removed.
-I didn't know you were so eager to consummate our marriage-he attempted to joke but the searing pain in his back stopped him from speaking any further and Peter almost lost his consciousness again. From the horrified look on her face, he knew what she must have seen.
-That bad, huh?
Olivia stared at the multitude of deep ugly red scars that ran their course over his entire back, fighting back tears and clasping her mouth. She managed to pull herself together somehow, and then she decisively clasped her shirt from the wooden chair and quickly ripped another sleeve out and then the entire material into pieces.
-Whoa, lady. At this rate, Dunham, I'll be seeing you around shirtless or you will have to wear that god awful alluring pink dress forever-he whispered weakly but promptly shut up when she shot a furious silencing glance in his direction.
-Fine. Guilty as charged. I guess I'll satisfy myself with the fact you're not so angry with me anymore. And that we're talking again.
Olivia chose not to comment on that statement and then she winced at the sight of the tiny glass shards embedded in his arm while she was inspecting his entire body, deciding which area to try and alleviate first, knowing fully well where those came from and remembering the impotent tantrum she threw last night, but said nothing.
-How do the scars feel?
-I feel as if I have been burning up on the inside and on the outside, for that matter. You know, being slowly roasted in an oven, as a huge Thanksgiving turkey.
-So what bothers you most is the heat?
-Heat and… Well, you know, pain. But… That's a tiny little side effect-Peter clenched his teeth.
-There isn't much I can do for you right now-Olivia's voice quivered a bit below that resolute decisive tone she had been using the whole time. -Just… Continue lying on the side or on the stomach to avoid your wounds touching the sheets, and don't cover yourself with the blankets. I am going to try and clean your back with wet cloth.
-You mean, with wet sleeve?
She shook her head and a hesitant smile played around her lips. Olivia dipped the sleeve in the jug with chilly water on the table.
Cold linen felt unbelievably good on his scars and Peter welcomed its touch that was temporarily taking the pain and the extreme heat away wherever it would travel, led by her tiny palms.
-English patient.
-Sorry?-she was puzzled.
-Dunham. Don't tell me you haven't seen "English patient". You know who you remind me of? You're just like Temperance Brennan. She never has a clue about movies, songs, famous people that we are all familiar with… You know that series "Bones" on Fox on Monday? It started in 2005 or so… Still going strong… About weird bone forensic lady. Walter and I like to watch it together. I love it when she says "I don't know what that means".
-I know that show. And I actually love Emily Deschanel so I'll look at your statement as a compliment-she smiled. But as for "English patient"…Uh-huh-Olivia shook her head "no".
-Well that's a romantic war melodrama every true loverboy knows by heart and occasionally watches with his sweetheart allowing her to seek comfort in his arms after having seen some particularly heart-breaking scenes.
-I see. In your case, watching that kind of movies is an adult girl-wooing equivalent for playing with Barbie dolls.
-You're a fast learner-Peter gave her a lopsided grin. -It just so happens that now I am feeling like a wounded war veteran tended by a beautiful nurse.
She averted her gaze irritated by his behavior.
-Sorry-Peter apologized hastily. –I know what you're thinking… "He's on his deathbed and he still has the nerve to flirt around."
Olivia relaxed after hearing the sincere tone in his apology and looked at him again.
-Peter. Why?-she asked him the same question as she did in the glass dome, but then her eyes were swelling with tears and worry for him. Now, she… Analyzed his face in a way that made Peter extremely uncomfortable and he decided to outright lie to her.
-Well, I kinda wanted to patch things up between us, and that's why I did it. You know. Tit for tat. You would do the same for me and you have done the same for me numerous times. I felt like I screwed up and I wanted to redeem myself. That's what partners do. Watch each other's back.
She seems relieved. I wonder what she'd do if I told her I did it because I am in love with her. Maybe she knows. But she chooses to ignore it. Leave it to Olivia Dunham to hide behind the iron mask. I just… Don't know how much longer I can do these tiring switches between the flirty and partner tone of voice. How longer until I snap? Until I give the game away and tell her I… I'm mad about her and that, ironically, I've just realized it in the last two days. Will she even believe me? Or I'll just be the boy who cried wolf for so long that now nobody trusts him anymore…
-Olivia. I… I apologize for the way I have behaved with you. Look. I am a scumbag. I didn't get any in many months and then you appeared in that tight monokini-Olivia blushed heavily. -The rest is history. Things are plain and simple from where I'm standing. I'm a guy. And we guys are pigs. Visual animals. I hope…-he stuttered, knowing the friendship that began to develop between them was more important to him than anything now-I hope we can get past that and that you… You're not angry with me so much anymore.-Peter chose not to mention the fact she was the one who encouraged the kiss in the first place when she gently nibbled on his lower lip inviting him to enter her mouth and taste her.
She nodded briefly and then shifted uncomfortably.
-Peter. I am sorry as well. About last night.
He was quiet, waiting for her to go on.
-I was nervous. I had… Hallucinations. I was in pain from the torture and I… I wasn't myself. I didn't mean to… Tell you all those things I… Normally I am not so sensitive about anything. I never… I tend to never lose control-she took a deep breath.
-I know-he replied calmly and swallowed, closing his eyes for the second.
Hallucinations. AKA-John Scott is back in town. Damn it. I'm jealous over the dead guy.
–It's the circumstances, Olivia-Peter willed himself to calm down and to focus on their conversation, pushing the thoughts about John Scott away. -Sometimes… All people just snap under the pressure and you are not an exception. Although, you are lucky that doesn't happen often to you. I guess that's probably because you don't have Walter for a roommate-he grinned and she returned a hesitant smile.
-Does it hurt a lot?-Olivia changed the subject.
-Not when we are leading these deep conversations, they really do distract me in a positive way, boss. God, I am bored here. The unsub could have given us something to do. A pack of cards would be nice. I love playing poker. The risk, the gamble… That exciting moment when you successfully bluff and manage not to give the game away… The thrill of the chase.
-You sound like a hunter-Olivia laughed, managing to distract herself from the negative thoughts about their future and their possible deaths. She still didn't quite dare informing him about what the unsub had told her before.
-I love a good chase, Dunham. Boys normally do-Peter flashed a seductive smile.
-It's amazing how you can give a sexual connotation to everything you say.
-That tends to happen to me very often lately and I blame it on months of fasting.
It was the second time Peter had mentioned that and Olivia felt her cheeks redden. She was intrigued against her will but decided not to ask him further about it.
-When will you grow up?-she asked him with a mischievous twinkle in her eye.
-Not gonna happen, Dunham. I'm Peter. Peter Pan. Love a good joke and witty remarks. Always have. Always will. Eternal boy.
A smile of understanding passed between them and Peter felt relieved. Things were going back to normal.
-I wonder what Walter's doing. He's probably worried sick about me. Or maybe he just forgot he had a son and went on with improving his formula for a strawberry milk shake.
-You've started to care for your father a lot-Olivia noticed tenderly.
-I… I have-Peter admitted with a sigh. -Something clicked inside me on that day he went back to that god damned mental institution to talk to Dashiell Kim. When I saw him like that… So broken, so insecure… Like a little child… You know, looking after him just might be what it takes for me to grow up-Peter smiled. –If we ever see light of the day, that is. He is the only one I have in this world… And I…
Olivia waited for him to continue.
-Dunham. What I am about to tell you… You must promise you won't tell a soul.
-I promise.
-If you survive the ordeal.-Olivia frowned. -Since last week… Letters from no one have started to arrive to the lab. You know how Harry Potter starts receiving Hogwarts letters and his uncle stops him from reading them? Well in this case I'm uncle Vernon. And the letters are still coming. Thrice a week. I just… I hope Walter won't read them now that I'm gone.
-But why don't you want him to read them? What's inside?
-You remember the assistant who died in a fire before Walter was institutionalized?
-Carla Warren.
-Exactly. Her mother… Writes to Walter periodically
-What does she want? What does she write to him about?
-Always the same. She wants to see him.
-Peter, this is serious. You shouldn't… Prevent him from meeting her and hiding those letters. After all, it is his life. And that woman was an important part of his life.
-"Was" being the keyword. And Walter is not who he used to be. He… Wouldn't be able to handle the situation. And I….-he gulped. –I don't want to lose… Him. I don't want him to snap all over again, you know.
-But maybe he won't.
-You know, that's nothing like you. Take the risk. No matter what. That was never your m.o.
-And it's nothing like you to be so cautious.
-That's because I…-he stubbornly desisted from speaking further. –Let's not talk about this anymore. I don't wanna argue with you and… It's funny since I am actually impotent in the matter anyway. You know, it's not like I'm able to do anything right now, lying injured on a bed in a pantry far far away.
-But you still worry-Olivia smiled.
-Yup. Who would have known, huh, Dunham? Peter Bishop worried about his inane father? Ch ch ch ch… Changes… I… I got used to the old man. I think I might actually miss him-his voice got lost, muffled with the pillow. –Or should I say… He might actually miss me, seeing how I'm the one who'll be gone forever.
-Peter, we…
-I know… I know… We might get out of here but… Fat chance, Olivia. It's going to be very hard and you know it. I am normally optimistic but this…
-I… Understand you completely-she sighed. –I feel the same way. And I… I can't stop thinking about Rachel and Ella.
-Who are Rachel and Ella? Your imaginary friends? You told me you had no friends, remember?-Peter teased her.
Olivia smiled.
-I forgot to tell you with all that's been going on. Last week… Just after I managed to escape from the place my captors held me… My sister and her daughter came to visit me. They'll be staying in my apartment for some time-she frowned.
-That look says more than… "I'm happy they are here".
-Rachel isn't telling me everything. She… I suspect she's had a problem with her husband. She still hasn't confided in me and I… Well I didn't want to push it, but I am kinda sorry I hadn't because… It might have been my last chance.
-Hey, don't beat yourself up because of that-Peter placed his palm over hers. –Who knows… Maybe a miracle will happen, we'll run away and you'll get to see her again and talk to her about whatever you want to. I'd like to meet her too-Peter gave Olivia a saucy grin. –Seeing how she might be free from her marital prison soon, like you hint… And seeing how she is your sister…
-What does that have to do with anything?
-Well if she looks anything like you, she's hot. And single.
-We… We do look alike a bit…
-Great. So she definitely is hot.
-Peter, she's my sister! And she has a child. And don't forget she still has a husband.
-Meh, a husband. I smell a divorce coming up. And I'm great with kids! Haven't you seen me Waltersitting?
Olivia shook her head.
-Also, girl having kids doesn't mean she's lost all or her sex appeal, does it now?
-I suppose not-a hint of a bit forced smile appeared on her lips.
-Ok, so hypothetically speaking, imagine that we meet, and she actually likes me. Would you be against me dating your sister?
-That is really too far-fetched but… I don't see how that would be any of my business-Olivia bit her lower lip. –It certainly wouldn't bother me, if that's what you meant-she went on but she casted her eyes onto the floor and Peter caught that and grinned.
-Fine, then it's a deal. And if that fails, I always have Astrid, she's cute as well. It's time I got back on the bachelor market, after long celibate. I like Astrid's optimistic attitude, her smile and her haircut. Not to mention she has the same taste in music like I do, she's incredibly patient; she feeds Walter and me every day in the lab and looks after us. She'd make an ideal long-term girlfriend. Actually, she is so perfect that I just might ask her if maybe she swings for another team. That normally happens to you ladies with guys, you know, they appear perfect and then you find out they're gay, so who knows, maybe it's the same with Asteroid -he joked but Olivia looked at him surprised.
-What? You don't think she is perfect?
-No, of course I do, I just never heard you talking like that about her.
-I always notice everything about all girls, Dunham. And it's hard not to notice someone so kind like Agent Farnsworth.
-Okay. Well I'm glad you have such enthusiastic plans about your love life for when we get out of here-she nodded absently, wondering why Peter's talk about Rachel and Astrid actually unnerved her slightly.
Well probably because you're used to Peter telling you how special you are-she said to herself.
-Why the long face, boss? You're sad you haven't made the list?-Peter teased her good-naturedly.
-I wasn't thinking about that at all. I can't pay attention to all of your witty remarks, you know? I don't even know what you are talking about half of the time.
-Just in case you were wondering, then, I have to disappoint you: only single ladies make it to my list. And you already belong to someone. So imagine what a fool I would be if I actually had hots for you. It would be like fighting for the lost cause-his eyes bore into hers, poking and prodding, and waiting for her to react.
Olivia said nothing.
-Wouldn't it, Olivia?-Peter inquired huskily, barely managing to sit upright in bed, mindful of the wounds on his back and leaning towards her with an effort.
She stood up abruptly, shying away from his closeness and started pacing around the room again.
Yeah… Bishop…-Peter said to himself. It would. And that's exactly what it is. A lost cause. Because she won't shut up about her ex.
-Dunham. When you said you had… Hallucinations. Was it… Him you were seeing? Again?-Peter repented for having said that the moment those words came out of his mouth.
I just can't very well keep my mouth shut, can I?
-Yes-she replied courtly.
-It… It hasn't stopped?
-No.
-Does he know… Can he shed light on the case like he could with… Raul Lugo and those… Poisonous frogs?-Peter joked dryly.
-He can't.
-You already asked him and everything? You had a nice chit-chat and all? Always one step ahead of your team. There is a good leader. It's nice to know you don't need a sensory deprivation tank for some good old one-on-one with your boyfriend.
-Stop it, Peter.
-You're right. I'm sorry. What do I know? I'm just a dumbass worried for your mental wellbeing.
-Those… Visits to the tank…And the hallucinations-she whispered as if she were talking more with herself than with Peter… -Were… What made me feel alive… They would wake me up from the numbness and lethargy… I… Longed to enter there not just to seek the case related information but also to… To see John… To relive those happy memories… And to see the person I once was before I… Was reduced to this….-she clenched her teeth.
-There's nothing wrong with you right now-he whispered with a hint of longing and admiration in his voice.
The look she gave him was incredulous on so many levels so Peter refrained himself from commenting on anything else. He decided to move from the slippery emotional terrain onto the professional one, as he had skillfully done million times before that.
-Hey, lady!-he faux-slapped himself across the forehead. -I got lost in my pain, in your worry for me and in the talk about the love of your life and hot chicks that we both know. I completely forgot to ask you for an update about the case. What did the unsub say, anyway? How did I end up here with you in the first place? How come we aren't limbless midgets?
-He… He let us go. After you fainted. And I dragged you here. End of story.
-How nice of him. He's really partial to me, don't you think? He became a big old softie by giving me another chance and not cutting my arms and legs off.-Peter grinned. –But… Did he say anything?
While Olivia was retelling him the unsub's words in a serious, quiet tone of voice, a crease between Peter's eyebrows was becoming deeper and deeper.
-Damn it! Olivia, you should have told me this sooner-he banged his fist on a bedside table.
-I didn't because I knew this was going to be your reaction and I didn't want to upset you immediately-she stated calmly.
–So what? Only two more hours to go until next assignment? I don't know if I am going to be able to get up from this bed and walk in two hours, let alone perform the most difficult assignment of them all!
-Peter…-she started warily. –We don't know what the assignment is yet-she stopped in the middle of the sentence as the realization hit her.
-That's right, honey. You are thinking what I am thinking. It's not a coincidence that it was the only task Paul and Mary Green couldn't perform when they both received their punishments on the last day.
-You don't think he'll want us to…
-Hey. We're married. And some marital sex for our voyeuristic unsub is in order right about now.
-Peter… I… I…-she started pacing around the room. –I won't be able to. I can't. That… It's wrong, it's… Too twisted and you… I just know I'll fail again.-his careful blue stare followed her about, glued on to her figure in a dress, and images of Peter's body on top of hers, while someone was watching them, filled Olivia with irrational fear and desire to run away.
-And that's precisely why I was right when I said you would do this so much better if John was here in my stead.
-Peter, that is insane. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing… That… Something so intimate…Here… Not even with John.
-Not even with John and let alone with Peter Bishop-he concluded bitterly.
-Don't start now-she turned around sharply. –Come on, Peter! Just… Don't tell me you'd actually be able to do it?
-Technically… I could do it-his calm gaze and an even tone of voice unnerved her as she stopped in the middle of her lioness-in-the-cage walk.
–All men could. Place me in the same room with a beautiful naked woman and an inevitable hard-on is what follows. Don't forget the key words, Dunham. What have I just taught you, boss? V-i-s-u-a-l a-n-i-m-a-l-s. That's who we men are, lamentably. Guys' brain is so simple, really. It's divided in five parts: food, clean clothes, beer, sports and mind-blowing sex with a hot chick. With a capital S. Matters of the heart… Are… Different matters entirely.
Olivia didn't know where to look. She could never have imagined she was ever going to talk about… This kind of things with Peter Bishop.
-But I won't do it. I won't because of you. Because… You would be repulsed with me until the end of time and you would never see me with the same eyes again. I would never do it, Olivia. Never. Not without your consent. I… Respect you too much for that. To lose a friend over a forced quickie isn't my idea of what having fun while getting laid really means. So I guess we're gonna have to figure out what to do next. How to stop him from hurting us when we refuse?
She bit her lower lip.
-I don't know. I just… Don't know, Peter… We have two hours to come up with the strategy and…
-The strategy is simple. We say "no". He will want to hurt us. We'll stall as long as we can. When we can't anymore… Well… Then I'll protect you again and die. And that's all there is.
-Peter, you can't.
-I can. And I will. I don't know what that is about you Dunham, that makes me grow a hero complex, but there you have it. The unsub said we had to choose… So I'm choosing you. If one of us has to die it should be me-he said grimly, but finally.
-Peter.
-Let me ask you something, Olivia-he blurted out of the blue.
And the glorious moment has arrived. Why wait, anyway? What's the point? We could be dead pretty soon, according to her words.
-Would you have ever given me a chance? Would you have ever gone out with me… To grab a drink? Or five?
-Is this really what you want to talk about right now?
-It is. When, if not now? I might not have a chance to talk about it ever again. And it is very important to me. And I want you to be honest. Don't… Don't lie just to make me feel better.
Olivia's heart jumped up a bit in her chest and she gulped a little, almost invisibly. She didn't expect Peter to suddenly be so open about what he… What he felt… Not at that moment at least.
-Peter I… Fine. If it means so much to you. I never thought about you in that way. Maybe in the beginning when we just met but later… I tried not to… Since… We… We are too different for… -Olivia was looking for words but they kept escaping her.
-So no-he interrupted her, and stared somewhere past her. She could sense his disappointment and she wanted to make him feel better.
-Look, Peter…It… It's not like I don't care about you… I do… You know that. I just…
-Yeah-he nodded, mocking himself. Consolation prize-coming up.
-I like a lot of things about you, it's just that… I think we wouldn't be compatible at all. Not in that way, anyway. Don't you?
-Do you find me attractive, Olivia?
-I…-she averted her gaze but then she returned it firmly onto his face. –Sure. Why not?-she sent him a small amicable smile, nodding briefly.
-Good. Now we're getting somewhere-he grinned and Olivia understood that he was joking.
-Tell me then-Peter leaned over closer to her and his huge blue eyes seemed to have filled the entire room; as if there was nothing else for Olivia to look at. She felt lost in the sea of that stare. His voice, little more than a whisper, rumbled around her soothingly.
-Peter…You of all people should know that physical attraction and physical compatibility is not enough for… For a good, stable relationship. You of all people should know that.-she muttered the last words, reiterating them in such a way that they were barely audible.
She's got me there.-Peter thought, disappointed.
He tried to smile but it seemed too forced, too weak.
-Well you like my personality as well, don't you? I'm a nice guy, relaxed, fun to be around and with an awesome sense of humor? Did I leave anything out? Oh, yeah, I have a flaw. I just might be too presumptuous. And one more thing: Miss Dunham, were you implying with that latest remark of yours that I've been extremely if not too much sexually active?
She cast her eyes downwards as her cheeks reddened. Peter enjoyed her shyness.
-Well, haven't you?-she looked back up and stared at him with a bold, challenging gaze.
-OK, for the conversation flowing sake, let's say I have… Before… But… Here comes the magical word "but"… I didn't get any lately and you already know that. You wanna know since when?
-Peter, you don't have to explain anything to me. That… Is your private life.
-No, no, I wanna tell you. You wanna try and guess?
She shook her head slightly, turning it in a different direction, thus hinting the conversation might even be over, at least as far that topic was concerned.
-Since I met you-he stated shortly, solemnly, and touched her hand in earnest with tenderness. Olivia trembled slightly.
–Now how about you?
-I… I don't… I am really not comfortable with telling you that.
-Oh come on, Dunham, don't be a party breaker. Who am I gonna tell? I'll take that secret with me to the grave. Literally-he added several seconds later. –And very soon, at that. The amount of secrets one is ready to admit on his death bed is fascinating, don't you think so?
-I suppose it's easy to deduce-Olivia stated, in a serious, quiet tone.
-Yeah…-Peter swallowed. –Since… Since he died, right?-his voice sounded hollow.
Olivia simply nodded, avoiding his gaze.
Something started to open within her at the mention of John's death, scratching at her heart, wanting to burst out and tear her apart; the door she was barely able to keep closed during all these months, the memory of John that would always try to creep out of there, each time she would drive by the motel they used to meet in or pass by the diner where they regularly ate. Whenever she would open the tiny wooden box with the things he used to own. Mostly she would just… Allow herself ten minutes of luxury after a successfully completed case… Instead of grabbing a bite with Bishops and Astrid, Olivia would excuse herself, just wishing to go home, to sit on the sofa, pull out that box and stare at the wedding ring that was meant for her. She would imagine how her life might have looked like if John hadn't died. If he hadn't proven to be a traitor. She still didn't believe him fully despite what his apparition might have told her.
And then before going to bed, she would stare at the photo of little John, smiling and carefree, and she would fight back tears.
This was why lately, each time Olivia Dunham would catch herself staring at Peter Bishop's eyes, at his wide smile, or laughing at his jokes and subconsciously reveled in the firm hold of his arms while they were sleeping together, she felt horribly guilty for some reason, as if she were tainting, betraying John's memory, the memory of the things they had together.
-He is dead, Olivia-Peter spouted out his venom, interrupting her string of thoughts.
Peter knew it was cruel but he just… Hated John Scott and envied him at the same time and he wanted Olivia to snap out of it. –He's gone. John Scott is a dead guy, who exists only in your head. And a traitor at that.
She slapped him hard and he turned around wordlessly. Having realized what she had done, Olivia quickly sat by his side and irrationally grabbed both of his hands, wondering what the hell she was doing, hitting him when he was wounded.
-Peter, I'm sorry. I am so sorry.
-No, no, you're right, I got what I deserved. It wasn't my place to say anything. And… Don't. Don't Olivia. Don't touch me like that. You have to decide. Don't give me that hot and cold attitude, don't play games with me.
-I never… I don't know how to do that, I never do that, I never play games with anyone, Bishop. I always act based on what I feel like.
-Well if you're really behaving based on how you feel like, then you are definitely feeling confused right about now. Never mind that… Now… Listen, sweetheart. I am tired. Tired of everything. Talking about John gets us nowhere. You receive bruises on your heart, I receive bruises on my cheek. And that's not exactly how I want to spend last hours of my life, fighting with the woman I care about.
-Peter, I don't want you to sacrifice for me.
He went on as if he hadn't heard her.
-What I wanted to tell you is this…-he swallowed and motioned her towards the bed. She sat down next to him and waited. Her hand trembled a bit when he took it.
-Well let me quote Rhett Butler on this one. "Forgive me for startling you with the impetuosity of my sentiments, my dear Olivia. But it cannot have escaped your notice that for some time past the friendship I have felt for you has ripened into a deeper feeling. A feeling more beautiful, more pure, more sacred. Dare I name it? Can it be love?" Look. Olivia. I don't care if I am going to die anyway if it is for you. You are my personal savior and your life is worth thousands of mine. You will continue to save people even when I'm long gone. You are so much more valuable…I don't want you for me because I know… I can't have you. I want you to survive because of what matters to you. Ever since the moment I met you I admired you and your savior complex. I don't why, exactly, seeing what a scumbag and crook I was.
-You're so much more than that Peter-she whispered, touched with his sincere expression of affection and faith he had in her.
John was right. Peter… Cares so much about me.
-No, no. I'm a scumbag. You don't know who I am. Where I've been, what I've done. You don't know what kind of life I've led. You would be ashamed of even sitting in the same room with me. I am a sarcastic hypocrite, sweetheart. You, on the other hand, are an innocent idealist who believes there is still some good in this world worth fighting for, that there is still hope for this tainted mankind. And I guess it's pretty contagious since you managed to recruit me as well and you made me believe in you, follow you, relish in that same idea. Having said that… My only positive quality is that I would never betray you. Not you. I would follow you everywhere. Into any battle you chose to lead, General Dunham. Your wish would be my command. I am yours, Olivia, you bought me with everything you have done and I have become yours somehow.
Olivia got lost in the intricate maze of his words, and strangely enough, she idly thought he had beautiful eyes, a gaze that always entranced and frightened her at the same time, gaze that you could get lost in; that look which combined a mischievous little boy with a sweet, diamond-in-a-rough like man, and she would sometimes perceive Peter Bishop like a goofy happy-go-lucky child and other times as a person who had the weight of the world on his shoulders and the surprising amount of wisdom and experience which supposedly only comes with an old age. Whenever she would think about John, what Olivia would mostly remember was his strength, determination, resilience and seriousness. His strong, confident voice, his square prominent jaw, that muscular body that would make her feel safe and desirable at the same time. More feminine somehow. He was so… Moral and resolute just like her.
But Peter Bishop was made from different kind of material entirely; he was casually handsome, all toothy grins and flashy smiles.
Where John was firm and steady, Peter was guarded, wavering, hesitant and slippery like an eel. A flirty, cautious player and a good one at that; his voice a mockery of all things that surrounded him, faithless charlatan, a roguish crook and a shameless fraud.
But those eyes-Olivia thought. Those huge transparent blue eyes that were the window to his soul and revealing more to her than she could ever hope she'd find.
Whenever those eyes would fix their studying gaze upon her, during the past months, Olivia discovered they were so haunting and pleading, so inviting and hypnotizing, up to the point where she would feel her heart swell and when she would had to jump up, snap out of her trance and ran away as far as she could from that naked sincerity Peter would lay in front of her. Just in front of her.
Her being so quiet and pensive and… Simply looking at him made Peter go on. He needed to take it all out.
-So… You know… What does a man do when they tell him he's gonna die soon? You can eat like a pig, you can drink fine alcohol, you can get high, and you can please your carnal desires. But I would not do it with you, never with you, not now. You mean so much to me. I care about you a lot. And I know you don't love me. You're not ready now and that's obvious. But if we stayed alive… If we managed to stay alive, I wouldn't repeat the same mistake again like I did by the pool… I wouldn't force you to do anything, I would wait for you to come to me, as long as it took. And if I felt you were ready I would take you and make you mine. Only mine-he whispered jealously and pulled her into a hug.
Olivia wordlessly placed her head on his chest, sensing how much pain and complicated emotions Peter had inside and allowing him to relieve himself.
-Just… Come cover me, Olivia-he winced at the pain he felt once again on his back but he buried his nose into her neck anyway, just enjoying the scent of her skin as his breath came out in hastened puffs.
Olivia could sense Peter's nostrils widen while he breathed her in loudly and deeply, and as he slowly calmed down.
-If someone asked me how I would like to die, it would be like this. With you in my arms. As a frustrated romantic. I'll actually do my best to make it happen in an hour or so-there was a hint of self-sarcastic amusement in his voice.
Her leaf green eyes inspected his face, and his chest from up close.
-Peter, you are so bruised and… There is a streak of blood coming out of your ear… Oh God-Olivia covered her mouth with her hands. –I haven't even noticed those… I just… Saw injuries on your back and I know there must be some on your calves.
-You've looked worse, what with the treatment the unsub had been giving you lately. That's what triggered my hero complex. Apparently, I am ready to die for you-he snorted.
-Peter, I don't want you to do this. Listen to me, I do not want you to do this!
-Olivia. The unsub will just torture you some more and kill you if I don't cover your body like I did this afternoon. He obviously doesn't think you're fit to be a Barbie. I have seen where the cutting machines are. But I still can't discern the location of the laser beam. The unsub might try to separate us beforehand, and make us flee to different parts of the glass dome. We need to stick together like today.
Tears welled in her eyes.
-Don't cry. Don't-Peter swiftly started wiping them away with the tip of his thumb. –What did I tell you the last time you got out of that goddamned tank, sweetheart? Do you remember?
She nodded wordlessly.
-"Olivia, if you need me, I'm here." And you said you knew. So don't be so surprised I am here for you now, honey. You really need me now.-he smiled tenderly.
He can't… He can't abandon me as well. Like John… This work… The dangers of being an FBI agent or even a consultant. I hate this job.
-Peter, you need to stay alive. You… Don't you dare leave me, Bishop. We will figure something out together. There has to be a way… And Charlie… Broyles… They might find us yet. That would be so reckless and stupid… You sacrificing yourself. Playing by the unsub's rules. Who is he to determine that one of us has to live and another one has to die?-Olivia growled into Peter's chest.
His eyes sparkled at those simultaneously affectionate, angry and menacing words as he raised his hand tiredly to caress her now wet cheeks. His heart swelled with tenderness and pride.
-Aww, sweetheart. Love you when you're all worried for me. But sometimes, as you know very well, bad guys do have that kind of power. He does get to make that sort of decision, lamentably. And if our FBI team doesn't get here on time… I am good as dead. Because it can't be you, Olivia. I don't want it to be you. You need to live. And go on ordering around, wearing those awful shoes and saying "What's up?" and showing that impatience of yours whenever Walter's unfocused and raising that eyebrow in a tempting and curious way and saving the world. And I am doing this for you because I like you, Dunham. Plain and simple. And everything we did back there in that dollhouse felt so real to me… I got used to sleeping here with you in my arms, waking up and finding you there, having breakfast with you in the garden… Just… Sitting around, having a cup of coffee. I wondered if that was what a married life would look like.
I wondered that too-Olivia thought sadly.
-Ha-ha. I actually thought about it. Can you believe it? Me… A world roaming vagabond who never had wedding bells planned out in his life. I know how weird all that sounds to you, Olivia, but I swear to God it's the truth. And I… I would like you to tell me you care about me as well, Olivia… Tell me you care about me, at least just a little. Look. I know you love John still. But… Lie to me if you have to… Just… If you do… I'll die a happy man.
-Peter, of course I care. Please, stop saying things like this-tears ran down her face uncontrollably and she held her head in her hands, jumping upwards and moving away from him.
-Too late for that, honey-he murmured, pulling her into even firmer embrace and letting himself lose in the scent of her soft hair, hiding his face in there from the rest of the world, feeling the salty taste in his mouth and realizing he had started to cry as well.
–Those are all facts. I fell for you Olivia Dunham. I don't know how, why and when, but somewhere along the way this has stopped being just a game for me. I guess I always had it in me, it was merely waiting to burst outside…I… I hate it when situations like these cut in root a beautiful tree that might have blossomed and born fruit… The tree that shyly rose from the ground a little bit on the day I met you, that grew proudly on that night in the bar and that was planted many nights or maybe even many months before without us even realizing it. And then that damnable abduction of yours. And another one. Those dark cases pouring down onto us, simultaneously bringing us closer and constructing this wall between us, never letting us catch a break, never giving us a chance for normal life. Heck, never giving us a chance to live in the first place. And always something stopping me from… Finally reaching you. Just tell me this, Olivia… Did you… Did you like it?
-What?-her voice was a rasp whisper as she stared at him wide-eyed and concerned.
-Did you like that hour we spent in a bar? Before the safety deposit boxes numbers and Walter's Fibonacci sequence and after the brother Rick charade?
She nodded briefly and his face relaxed into a wide smile.
-That's all I needed to know. That at some moment, somehow, I reached you. Even though we aren't meant for each other because we are like beauty and the beast, because of that pristine whiteness, morale and goodness you carry inside and because of my taint, sarcasm, grumpiness and corruption. And it took us an enchanted castle to realize that… You changed me, Olivia. You made me a better man. You turned me back into a prince charming. I don't know how your mere presence was able to do that to me, but there you have it. A better man my mother always wanted me to be but I couldn't become on my own. And now you are free to go your own way. I am going to give you the greatest gift I can. The gift of your life. I was never good enough for you anyway. You never got to like me the way I wanted you to and that's too bad…-his voice was slowly fading away in a whisper and it became obvious to Olivia that all those long confessional monologues were taking their toll on his injured, tired body.
-Peter, it's not that. It's just that it's too soon for me and I…-she realized it would take the ages for her to explain the complicated way she felt about him at that moment. -We shouldn't keep on talking about this-she raised her hands to gently cup his stubbled cheeks and to calm him down. -You need to get some rest. He's gonna want us back in the dollhouse in two hours.
-And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you change a "matter of life and death" conversation topic-he looked down on Olivia with a loving smile, caressing her hair and yawning.
-Close your eyes, Bishop. You need to save energy.-she ordered, snuggling closer to him. Olivia was tired as well, worn-out, miserable, desperate because there was no way to make him abandon the decision he had taken. She was so afraid for Peter.
-Love it when you get all bossy on me-Peter smiled slowly, sensing the tiredness creeping up on him and pulling her as close to him as possible, now moving to lie on the side.
They both fell asleep soon, exhausted, Olivia in a pink dress, and Peter wearing only his pants, as his scars were pulsating and burning; they were clutching each other and twitching in their sleep like two little vulnerable children who could do nothing but wait for the final judgment to be passed on them.
