Chapter 12

Clara rolled over lazily, eyes still shut, and inevitably bumped her nose against something strangely solid. She yawned, only just remembering that it was John, and she had collided into the side of his chest. Clara smirked, propping herself up on her elbows and smiling serenely. A few stray curls rested on his forehead and his tousled bed head was spread all over the pillow. His breathing was calm and light, limbs all over the place. For a moment she stared, then leaned in to kiss him. Initially it was only a peck, but he reciprocated unexpectedly, surprising her as he pulled her lips back to his again.

'I almost thought you were a dream.' He mumbled, eyes still closed.

'Well, I can assure you now,' she said between kisses, 'this is real.'

He finally opened his eyes as his mouth curved into a devilishly handsome smile.

'You look beautiful.'

She scoffed. 'Just woken up.'

'Nonetheless.' He said simply. Her hands slid down to trace geometric patterns into his chest, finding it as surreal as he did that he was in her bed, completely undone and obscure from the erratic John she'd become accustomed to at the office.

'Do you want some breakfast?' She asked.

He shook his head, still smiling that smile, almost like an endearing pout - he gave the impression of a puppy.

'I only have a quick coffee.'

'I guess we better get up. We still have to go to work.' Clara climbed off him.

'I wish we didn't.'

'I never thought I'd see the day when John Smith didn't care about going to work.'

He stared unblinkingly at her as she bundled up her top and threw it to the pillow beside him.

'You changed me.'

The way he said it made her stop in disbelief. It sounded sentimental, meaningful, not as flippant as she'd expected it.

'For better or worse?'

He didn't answer the question, but diverted completely. 'You'll be the death of me, Clara Oswald.'

In a usual circumstance she would have laughed but it didn't hold any comedic value in his tone. She wondered if the rush of last night had gone to his head.

When she saw her phone still sitting on the counter she wondered why it hadn't sounded her alarm. She hoped they were early in waking up. Cautiously reaching for it she read the time and nearly dropped it to the floor.

'Shit!'

John bolted up from his position immediately. 'What is it?'

'We're late. Very late. Seriously late.' Clara burst her wardrobe doors open in the search of clothes, and John sprang up out of bed and examined the time for himself.

'Fuck!' He exclaimed, 'we should have gotten up over an hour ago!'

'I know, I'm sorry, I forgot to set the alarm again.'

They both were in a state, rushing round the flat to get things done as fast as they could.

John dressed and cleaned all in the space of five minutes, and Clara could see that whatever peace they had had ten minutes ago, it was surely lost now. She grasped hold of him, tying his tie for him while he ruthlessly tried to multi task.

'Hey, stop fidgeting!' She admonished, to a slight grumble of exasperation.

'It's bad enough we're late, people will know if we both walk in together like this.'

'Then I'll wait ten minutes or so.' She said, tightening the fabric round his neck.

'God knows what they'll say. It's hardly a coincidence we'd both be this late, is it?'

Clara tried not to think about, even though she swallowed roughly at the thought. She couldn't let people know. She couldn't subject herself or John to what could become social embarrassment.

After twenty minutes of getting ready they departed, and practically ran to Clara's motorcycle. As soon as they were on the road the minutes were building up to just under forty minutes late to the office, and Clara was trying her hardest to get there as fast as she could, and to keep John under control. He was extremely dishevelled, his untamed hair and darkened eyes indicators of that. She hoped for their sakes that no one would be watching when they turned into the building, observing that he was in the passenger seat with his arms looped round her waist.

As soon as they parked John impressively jumped off over the side of the bike, running toward the door.

'Do you want me to wait here for twenty minutes then?' She shouted. He turned round and nodded just before he entered the building and Clara exhaled a sigh. She held her head in her hands for a moment, allowing her fatigue to pass. Usually when she got up earlier she allowed at least five minutes to wake up fully, but today hadn't been the case. The time ticked slowly on her watch, and she could imagine the distress on John's face when bombarded with questions. She wondered what excuse he would make up.

After enough time spent alone, she traipsed toward the elevator, uncaring now that she had missed just under an hour of work already. It felt only minutes ago that she had been in bed with John. Clara sleepwalked tiredly to her desk, blocking out the stares and whispers and questions. John was nowhere to be seen.

'We thought John was late, look at you! Trying to piss him off again?' Rose nudged her jokingly.

'No, I over-slept. Forgot to set my alarm.'

'Because of what?'

'Nothing, just forgot.'

'It's what John said too. Everyone was confused as fuck cause he's so punctual and early all the time.'

'Yeah, well, can't always be perfect like him.'

Rose sniggered. 'Got that right.'

She logged on to her computer, trying her best to clear her mind. She peered through the blinds to his office, but couldn't make him out.

It was only a matter of minutes until she got interrupted again, however.

'Hey.' Danny leant over her computer, trying to look cool and actually carrying it off. Clara realised a second before he talked how friendly she was to him yesterday.

'So, I guess you got a bit caught up last night?'

She froze automatically, yet recognised it wasn't what he meant.

'Yeah, sorry about that. Things to do, y'know.'

'It's okay. We can go to a club another time, for sure.'

She smiled, yet inside she felt uneasy. Clara could vision the exact calmness of her and John in bed, the exact flaring passion that had taken over them last night and felt instantly guilty. It would have been easy to admit she had a boyfriend if that person was anyone but the boss.

'Yeah, maybe.'

He leant over further, making her feel even more conscious-stricken.

'What are you working on at the moment, then?' He asked. She could see he wasn't interested at all in what she was doing but was the best way to hang around. Clara wished people would stop disrupting her; she gave him an honest answer.

'Managing customer services, like usual.'

Clara had to admit that after yesterday's display of warmth and interest Danny was surely to be perplexed by her attitude today.

'Ah...good.' He eyed her while she continued tapping away at her keyboard until he politely dismissed himself. She liked Danny a lot, in fact she would have gone out for that drink with him but it wouldn't have been fair on John, particularly. They'd played enough games with each other as it was.

'So, what kept you up late?' More questions, she groaned, and swivelled round to see River, of all people. She tried to keep a friendly facade when she faced her.

'Nothing. Forgot to set my alarm.'

'Oh. I just thought that because of John-'

'What about John?!' She interrupted instantly, recognising a note of panic in her voice though no one else picked up on it.

'Well, I saw you with him walking down the street.'

Clara felt relief flood her; at least it was nothing too shocking. She racked her brain quickly to come up with something.

'He told me to stay a while to catch up on work I hadn't done. He offered to walk with me because my bike was still at the garage.'

It seemed that her tactic hadn't worked, and she slid into the seat next to her, her attention focused on Clara.

'What's he like?' She asked, hand pressed to her cheek in fascination.

Clara shrugged. 'The same. Well, less shouty, more human.'

'I'm surprised he offered to do anything for you considering you played all those jokes on him.'

Her tone beheld a hint of suspicion and Clara willed herself not to reveal anything through words or through her face. She remained decidedly calm and collective.

'He decided I'm not that bad.'

'What do you think of him, then?'

'I decided he wasn't that bad, either.' She answered matter-of-factly, still pretending to do work as an excuse to avoid eye contact.

'I think he's nice.' River countered, and Clara could feel a burning in the pit of her stomach, churning at the thought of her flirting with him again.

'Yeah, well, I don't think he's interested in women.'

'Why is that?'

'He still lives with his sister.'

River didn't have the chance to answer as the man in question leant on the doorjamb and observed the office.

'River,' he called, 'please go back to your own desk, I think Clara is trying to concentrate on her work.'

River raised her eyebrows at Clara, giving her an uncomfortable look. She would have mouthed a thank you at John except River was still looking between him and Clara and he'd already disappeared behind his door.

Clara wondered whether to risk it as the minutes drew closer to lunch. She wanted to see him, maybe thank him for earlier and apologise for getting up late. Yet River's words and her suspicions heavily conflicted the decision in her mind. Would she say something if she saw her enter his office? Would she be jealous?

As far as Clara knew only a few people had seen her enter his office in the lunch hour, and not many more would have even realised she wasn't there since it was so crowded. She wanted to see him as calm as he'd been earlier, to resume back just a moment to the sweetness of being alone. The clock struck the hour and everyone immediately rushed to the kitchen. John had stated that to sneak out to lunch together wouldn't have been wise, which was understandable, so Clara waited until the majority were somewhere else and snuck into his office.

John looked up to smile weakly but he looked exasperated and stressed, and a million causes passed through her brain until she walked up behind him, crossing her arms over his chest while he scribbled with his pen.

'What's the matter?'

'Nothing. I...it's nothing.'

'You can tell me, John.' She said softly, easing an understanding smirk from his lips.

'This job.' He said simply. It wasn't as elaborate as she would have liked but it was enough. She pressed a kiss to the side of his face, sitting down in the chair opposite him and noticing the alarming redness of his eyes.

'What's wrong with your eyes?'

'Oh, um, visual stress. Too many numbers on the computer.' He deliberately didn't look at her, and Clara got the impression he was being vastly evasive.

'Come on, John, please, tell me. Did someone say something to you? Are you still annoyed about earlier? I came to apologise for not setting the alarm anyway-'

'What, no, I'm not mad about that. And you don't have to apologise for it.'

'Then what's bothering you?'

He seemed to hesitate in telling her something and every second he kept silence she held her breath.

'Honestly, Clara, I'm fine. Please don't, don't bring it up again.'

She sighed defeatedly. There was no way she could make him give her an answer, she just had to trust that he could overcome it.

'I probably should return before they all get too suspicious.'

'Why?' He replied suddenly.

'Well, uh, River's nearly caught on. Nearly caught on as in, she saw us walking down the street together. Nothing too revealing, but she's suspicious anyway because how timely our arrivals were this morning.' Clara's eyes lowered, 'and she seems to have an eye on you.'

'What does that mean?'

'That she's trying to get on to you, John!'

Sometimes he was so blatantly oblivious to other people it was hard to work out why he was working in an office full of them.

He scratched the back of his head nervously. 'God, there's always something, isn't there.'

She moved closer to him, taking his arms in her hands. 'As long as she doesn't get too close.' She teased.

'It's fine, I can handle it. She's certainly no replacement for you.'

Clara couldn't help but smile sweetly, and all at once his lips lowered to hers instantaneously. It was so difficult to resist since their affection could only ever flourish fully in the confinement of her home. Everyone was everywhere around them, so when there was just the briefest of moments alone together, they took whatever they got. Clara wished for one second that he could be twenty years younger, that she could make it known that they liked one another, she could kiss him without the dogma of dozens of people. He wasn't letting go, but she didn't want him to. His hands softly travelled the curve of her head to her waist as her arms looped round his neck. She felt the peace and warmth flood through her from that morning, envelope her quickly so she felt remarkably at ease again in the comfort of his arms. Clara could feel that he was thinking the same thing. Her eyes fluttered open then closed again as he leaned in further-

'John, I wanted to-'

Quicker than a bolt of lightening, they let go of each other and turned round to stare at the intruder. Clara's light and positive energy had been replaced with anger, annoyance and panic. The shocking silence lasted for the longest minute of her life, as River stared at them both and they stared guiltily back. Clara could tell that John's cheeks were starting to turn pink. Shame welled up inside her but also hatred at herself for knowing better. They had gotten away with it so many times that they had taken it for granted. Clara thought she might have passed out in embarrassment until River spoke.

'I knew it!' Was all she exclaimed, and John swiftly shushed her and motioned for her to enter his office. He shut the door behind her and Clara looked down at her feet as she passed.

'I only came in here to say hi, and to bring you some coffee!'

'Uh, how considerate of you. Look-'

'As soon as you arrived late and she followed twenty minutes after I knew it wasn't a coincidence,' River interrupted, 'I saw you both last night walking together, holding hands of all things. You're lucky I haven't told anyone else.'

'Why didn't you? I'm not exactly your favourite person.'

'No,' she conceded, 'but John is.'

They both stared at him before Clara started to try control her anger.

'You need someone older, the same age, John.' she advanced toward him and it made Clara's skin crawl.

'Does it matter?' Clara interjected fiercely.

'We all know it's not exactly the most fitting relationship.'

'Why not?'

'Darling, he's thirty years older than you, more or less.'

'I don't care how old he is!'

'But other people might. All I'm saying is that John would benefit much more from me. I happen to hold him in the same regard as you do.'

'I'm sorry, but I want to be with Clara. Nothing can change that.'

River looked from him to her, incredulously.

'River please, don't expose us. We don't want people to know and start gossiping.'

'I thought you just claimed you didn't care about ageism, so what's the problem?'

'It's not just the age that matters, it's the fact that I'm her boss. I'd hate to think that people would take this and use it negatively to impact Clara. She doesn't deserve that.' His eyes met hers swiftly and within them she saw complete admiration. She sent a thank you back in the softness of her eyes.

River exhaled a long sigh. 'People will find out eventually, you know. I liked you, John, I still like you and you've ruined it for me. So don't blame me if word just happens to get round.'

With that she left quickly, John beckoning her back urgently but with no reply. John stared at Clara, running a nervous hand through his unkempt hair.

'Of all people,' she said shakily, 'it had to be her.'

Clara felt like she was going to collapse. Inevitably people would speculate and start to find out from all the time they spent together, but she hadn't figured it would be so soon. She felt blackmailed by River's method of jealousy. If she really was going to expose their relationship then Clara felt as if she should quit her job right then and there. She didn't think she could face so much gossip and questions and negative comments. Clara always thought of herself as someone who didn't care for what other people thought or did against her, yet when it involved someone she loved, as she was rapidly beginning to fall for him, it felt like a wound to her pride and security. New she did feel smaller than everyone else, belittled by her choices and exposed for everyone else to talk about behind her back. And it made her bloody scared because of how nervous she felt.

John could sense it straight away, and without any consideration of further exploitation he enveloped her within his arms, like shields blocking out everything else. She closed her eyes against his chest, reflecting on how they had progressed since the first day they saw each other. Clara didn't know at all what had been going on but all of a sudden it just happened. Did it matter if it was right or wrong? She'd simply fallen in love.

'Hey, come on, Oswald,' he said, lifting her chin up so he could meet her eyes, 'what's the worst that could happen? River tells everybody, they don't understand how it's happened, they take it out on me for being an older guy and bother you with silly little things that don't matter. Let them gossip if they want. How is it really going to affect us, Clara? It will probably die down a few weeks later anyway.'

'I'd hope you were right,' she appraised, 'if this got round to my family though...my dad, Linda, oh god...'

'Clara, I think you're making it worse than it is, not to mention insulting-'

'It's the shame they'll make me feel for being with you, with someone nearly twice my age...'

'Well, if it really bothers you I could try warm up to River somehow, I don't know.'

'No! No way, that's not going to happen. She'll have her hands all over you.'

'Jesus, no love interest for twenty years and then two all at once. Wondering why I'm suddenly such a big fuss.' He muttered.

'Oh, shut up, it's not funny.' She pushed away from him.

'Am I suddenly some sort of magnet? I don't know what's happened.'

'Seriously, it's not funny. Please don't cosy up to her.'

'Well, what else can I do?' He exclaimed. Clara almost jumped at the sudden power in his voice.

'Not that!' She exclaimed back.

'If I could just try to convince her-'

Clara shook her head vehemently.

'I can't believe you're even being jealous of me just talking to her.'

'I don't trust her at all.'

'And you don't trust me? I'm nearly a sixty year old man and you think I'm going to betray you?'

'You can never tell exactly what River wants and I should know better as I've worked with her longer. She's stupidly stubborn.'

'So are you, but much more explosively so. Look, I don't care if everyone knows now, at least we could be a little bit more open with each other.'

'Maybe I do care! You've got the better side of the stick here.'

'Better!? People will be disgusted with me, not you!'

'But I have family that won't take this at all well, friends and work colleagues. They would want me to marry properly this time and do the normal, domestic thing.'

'What are you trying to say? I'm not marriage material?'

'You'll die before we even get to make a family.'

There was an awkward, heavy silence where John stared at her with a mix of disappointment and deep hurt that caused a riot inside her heart. She felt instantly guilty for the comment yet also hugely surprised she had entertained the idea of marriage and families at all.

'I'm...I'm sorry John, I didn't mean that. I feel awful.'

He simply just turned his back on her, which made her even more regretful, albeit madder.

'All I'm trying to say is, everything's going to impact us if they find out, I mean, the constant insecurity I have of being in public-'

'Why are you with me then?!' He yelled, turning back round to stare her point blank in the face with almost livid eyes.

A threatening silence overcame them once again yet this time there was something much different. They had well forgotten the lunch hour was over but the worst part was that it was completely and eerily quiet outside John's office. They both simultaneously turned their heads toward the door, where the pause of dozens of workers confirmed the horrible truth. It was likely they had heard most of the conversation between them. John was frozen in horror, and with one look at him Clara left the office, allowing the door to bang loudly behind her. Ignoring the entranced stares of everyone else, she grabbed her coat and walked straight out of the room, taking the stairs to avoid confrontation and striding altogether out of the dreaded building toward her motorbike. She had vaguely been aware of John lingering at his door as he watched her leave, but Clara didn't care.