"His little whispers. Love me, love me. That's all I ask for. Love me, love me.
He battered his tiny fists to feel something. Wondered what it's like to touch and feel something."
Meg and Dia – Monster
Considered by many to be a very fitting song for Alois and honestly, listening to it gets me choked up. It almost seems as if the lyrics were written for him and what's even more baffling is that it almost sounds like it's him singing.
Chapter 12
"You're upset."
"Just shut up and give it to me."
Claude slipped a small white pill into Alois' mouth and let his finger slide out just a bit too slow for it to not have an underlying meaning. Alois looked up to gaze into those golden embers and let out a rueful sigh.
"Claude… touch me."
Claude did not hesitate. He grabbed Alois by his slender waist and hoisted him up to straddle him. The older male's hands wandered over his pale skin and one found its way under his loose shirt. The other hand found his backside and Claude's fingers began to crawl under the fabric of the garments to grab at the tender flesh there. Alois leaned in until their foreheads were pressed together and moaned desperately as their breaths mingled.
"Claude, please…" Make me feel loved. "Please..." His last plea came out as a needy whisper.
Claude caught his lips and his kisses quickly became feverish. Before long, Alois was sprawled out on the bed, with his legs spread wantonly while Claude was pounding into him without mercy.
Please… make me feel something. Anything. Just… make me forget…
Alois turned his head to the side, staring at nothing, and his eyes devoid of emotion. He slowly let them flutter shut and let himself get lost in the drug induced haze and the physical pleasure of friction. His chest felt like it was carved out—hollow and dark—but at the same time there was pain; an immense ache that loomed in his ribcage, threatening to stop his lungs from breathing.
Some part of him wanted to struggle, but the pain had been there for so long that he didn't know if he dared to live without it. So he suppressed it, he suppressed it all—to the point where he felt empty. Besotted, he let the hollowness engulf him, feeling the ache subside only to come crawling back minutes later.
Alois curled up into a ball after Claude finally pulled out of him. He faced the wall to try and hide his face from the older boy; he didn't want him to see the tears burning in his eyes.
"I knew you would find your way back to my bed," Claude said triumphantly.
"We're not back together again," Alois murmured with a slight tremble in his voice but the anguish in his tone went unnoticed by Claude, who was smiling smugly to himself.
"I'll get you back. You always come back," Claude asserted with finality before rolling onto his side. He was snoring within minutes.
The strain of holding in his tears almost had Alois trembling and the lump in his throat burned. With the sounds of Claude's sleeping form, he finally let out a small sigh of relief and a steady stream of silent tears began pouring down his cheeks in the dark.
No amount of sweet words, physical pleasure or chemically manufactured, mind-numbing substances could make it all go away. But it did make it easier to cope with, if only for a short while. It made his misery creep deeper for the blink of an eye, and it was worth it, yet at the same time it wasn't.
The pain always came back to the surface stronger than ever when it was all over. When the drugs left his system, when the hands on him fell away, when the meaningless efforts to make him feel something of significance ceased to have any effect, the ache came crawling forward and licked and lacerated him inside. He imagined that it always would, that the monster inside of him would keep on tormenting him until the day where he eventually would become truly and irrevocably broken.
Alois woke up in Claude's bed way past noon; he had missed another day of school. Boo fucking hoo.
The older boy lay beside him; still snoring like the world depended on it. The blonde felt a pang of disgust at the sight of him, and by extent with himself, so he rolled over to the edge of the bed as far away from him as possible without falling out.
Alois rubbed his swollen eyes and reached down to grab his discarded pants from the floor. He shoved his hand down one of the pockets and pulled out his phone to check the time. The blonde hadn't expected that there would be a text from Ciel waiting for him. He had been sure his chances of having any kind of association with the younger boy were out of the question by that point, but apparently he had underestimated him.
Ciel:
I shouldn't have yelled at you
Alois wanted to be happy, and some part of him was, but mostly he just felt… terrible. He had acted inexcusably, but Ciel still found it in him to forgive him and give him an apology. As usual, the younger boy surprised him, and the act had his heart practically flying out of his chest. It was impossible to deny it at this point. He had without a doubt fallen for that annoyingly stubborn, proud little runt. And now… he had basically eliminated any chance he had with him by rolling around in the hay with Claude and openly flaunting their carnal desires in front of him. Ciel had gotten angry, maybe even jealous, and the fact that he left the premises on the spot was somewhat an indication of the latter. This could have ruined any small flicker of a chance that Alois had had, if he even had a chance to begin with.
He wanted to think that he did, he wanted to believe that Ciel had some kind of interest in him. Their actions at the party surely pointed in that direction but Ciel had said that it didn't mean anything; even if he had tried to take it back last night, he hadn't really done so. Not really.
"It did… mean... I don't know what it meant."
Ciel's words echoed in his mind and he felt his chest contract painfully. He tried to swallow but his throat was too dry. Alois dragged himself out of the bed and felt an uncomfortable reminder of last night's rendezvous trickling down his thigh. He felt disgusting. He just wanted to take a long shower and go to sleep again, but he certainly wouldn't do that at Claude's place.
The blonde went to the bathroom and tried his best to clean himself up before getting dressed in yesterday's clothes and hurried out of Claude's apartment as quietly as he could.
On his way back to his dorm he pulled out his phone and looked at the text from Ciel again. He considered answering but he had no idea what to write. His whole being told him to be spiteful and rude, because that was just who he was; so damn good at pushing people away with his crude attitude and incapability to admit defeat.
He didn't think that Ciel had done anything wrong—quite the opposite, but some part of him didn't want to admit that to the younger boy. He had apologized to Ciel before, but this time was different. Alois felt so ashamed and disgusted over his own behavior that he almost couldn't bear admitting it to someone else.
Pushing all of his bothersome traits aside with the help of Ciel's impending forgiveness he eventually managed a somewhat satisfying answer and hit send.
Alois:
I'm sorry for being a douche
The answer came almost immediately.
Ciel:
We're both idiots. I have one class left, can you come over in an hour? We need to talk.
Alois felt his heartbeat rise in his chest. Maybe he would get a chance to set things straight.
Alois:
I'd love to
What a cheesy way to agree, he thought, but he didn't care. He was elated at the prospect of this situation not being hopeless.
Back in his dorm, he grabbed a towel and some clean clothes and strolled away to the showers, scrubbing his sore skin for a good half hour before he finally felt clean enough. He pulled on his usual black shorts, a pair of black thigh-high stockings and a white hoodie. Finally done getting dressed he grabbed a pair of sneakers and headed off to Ciel's dorm.
Ciel met him at the door with a small smile on his lips and when Alois walked inside, the younger boy signaled for him to sit beside him on the bed. Ciel's hands were fidgeting nervously in his lap and Alois felt puzzled as to what he might have to be nervous about.
"I wanted to talk to you because, well… I acted really childish last night."
Alois couldn't believe what he was hearing. Ciel, admitting that he had been acting childish? It didn't seem right, especially since it was he who had been acting like a child, trying to make him jealous.
"Aww, little baby Ciel," Alois teased and Ciel's cheeks turned scarlet in an instant. Two seconds later he pushed at the blonde's shoulder, causing him to fall to the side. The blonde gave Ciel his most scandalized look and the younger boy couldn't hold back a small chuckle. He swooped down on Ciel and pushed him down on the bed, holding him in place with a firm grip on his wrists. The smaller boy struggled carelessly, and he was actually laughing. Even if Alois would have wanted to, he wouldn't have been able to take his eyes of him in that moment.
It was a beautiful sight, seeing Ciel like that. Mussed hair flowing out against the pillow, slightly flushed cheeks turning darker the more he struggled—and with that unusual faint glint in his eyes that Alois had only seen a few times before on those rare occasions when the younger boy had been genuinely elated.
"L-let me go!" Ciel complained with a loud whine. He was so cute that it made his stomach flutter.
"I will never let you go."
Alois leaned down over Ciel and trapped him in a tight hug. After a short moment of surprise, Ciel wrapped his arms around him and returned the gesture, but the blonde could feel that the younger boy was careful not to squeeze down to hard.
"I was afraid that you didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore," Alois whispered into Ciel's ear.
"That's enough, let me go."
Alois reluctantly released the younger boy but continued to hover over him, with one arm on each side of his head.
"You were wrong about that. But…" He gazed up at the blonde who was hovering mere inches from his face and gave him a frown. "…I did mean the part about us just being friends, so get off me."
Alois' heart sped up in an almost painful way as he was reminded of the fact that the object of his affections only desired to be friends with him. Some part of him understood Ciel and he wanted to keep his emotions at bay, but it was hard to stay unaffected when the words were being thrown in his face.
The blonde let out a forced chuckle and sat up on his knees, complying reluctantly with Ciel's wishes. He knew that he would have to be respectful for now if he wanted to get anywhere with the stubborn boy, even if all Alois wanted was to defy Ciel to the bitter end and kiss him right then and there.
With a staggered moan from the worn out hinges, the door suddenly opened and, to Alois' surprise, Sebastian walked into the room, followed by a slouching Finny. Ciel's eyes went wide but a second later his face turned concerned. "Is something wrong, Finny? And why is Sebastian here?"
"I'm standing right here, you can ask me why I'm here," Sebastian snarled. "I just found this heartbroken little thing on a park bench outside campus so I brought him back here. I figured he could use his best friend right now." Sebastian turned his gaze to the boy sitting next to Ciel. "Alois," he greeted the blonde with a nod of his head.
"Sebastian, what a nice surprise," he sneered sarcastically with a tiny smirk. Ah, it's too fun to tease that pompous twat.
Finny sat down on the edge of his bed, looking gloomy and depressed. Sebastian sat down next to him in his usual stiff demeanor, but he didn't hesitate to put a comforting hand on Finny's shoulder.
"We just broke up…" Finny mumbled with tears glittering in the corners of his eyes, careful not to meet anyone's gaze.
"What? What happened?" Ciel burst out in utter dismay.
"Well… we have been drifting apart lately… I think that's why I've acted so differently these past months. I have been a little outrageous lately, haven't I?" he chuckled without any real joy. "We came to the decision together, but it stills feels pretty bad. We're still friends though!"
"Oh wow… I'm not sure what to say… do you want to talk about it?"
"Nah, not really… I just want to have some fun and start getting used to the life of a single man," he chortled, cutting through the stiffness in the air. "Will you guys cheer me up?" he chirped with his usual bright smile.
Ciel let out a small chuckle. "Anything for you, Finny." He turned his gaze to the older blonde. "Alois?"
Alois shook his head in surprise. Is Ciel asking me to cheer his friend up? He scratched his head, considering different ways to make the younger boy brighten up. Memories of their previous encounters flashed through his mind, and a wicked smile crept onto his lips when he remembered that the seemingly sweet and innocent boy actually seemed to enjoy a bit of obscenity. "Ask and confess? It's a game."
"How do you play?" Finny asked, excitement glimmering in his turquoise eyes.
"You can ask anyone in the room anything you want, but you have to confess something related in the process," he explained. "And you can't ask the person who asked you directly afterwards."
"Oh. That sounds like fun!" Finny cheered.
"I can go first… Ciel." He looked at the younger boy with mischief in his eyes. "I have never had sex with a girl. How do you like having sex with girls, Ciel?"
The startled confusion in Ciel's face was a delightful sight in the least. Alois let his gaze wander to watch the other's reactions and while Sebastian looked aloof as always; Finny had a wide grin covering his face and bounced a little on the bed. Alois' suggested activity obviously did the trick.
"I actually like it very much, thank you!" Ciel finally retorted, trying to keep a stern face. "I had a dream about a unicorn kissing a bat once. Finny, what's the weirdest dream you've ever had?"
Finny's eyes lit up over receiving a question and he didn't have to think long before he gave his answer. "Well… it must have been the dream where I had super human strength and Mey-Rin was an assassin. That dream was super intense."
Everybody but Sebastian burst out in laughter; he just covered his mouth to hide a tiny smile.
"I don't know who to ask… Sebastian? I have… hmm..." Finny's cheeks turned crimson in an instant, but curiosity beamed from his eyes when he finally asked his question. "I have only had sex with two people. How many have you had sex with?"
He's never going to answer that. Not with that gigantic stick up his ass.
"Thirteen females and three males."
The whole room fell silent.
No. Fucking. Way.
"You? YOU? You keep surprising me, Sebastian. Jeez…" Alois said, rubbing his forehead while shaking his head.
"You've had sex with MEN?" Ciel looked like he was about to explode into a million pieces at any second.
"On occasion."
The shocking revelation caused the game to pause as Ciel continued to interrogate Sebastian for over ten minutes. Alois didn't care much; he couldn't see what the big deal was. Of course, it might be a big deal for Ciel, and maybe it wasn't that bad that he found out that he wasn't that different from the people he cared about. Alois was sure that it was Ciel's pride and insecurity that stood in the way for him admitting that he was attracted to him. Because he was, wasn't he?
He shifted on the bed and "accidentally" let his fingers brush against Ciel's arm and the slight pink tinting his cheeks a few moments later had Alois smiling inwardly.
Yes he was; Alois was sure of it.
"I have actually always wondered what it's like… you know… having sex with a man. At least once in my life, I would like to try it," Finny admitted, rendering everyone mute for the second time that evening.
Finally, Ciel let out a loud groan. "You too? I can't handle th—" He was cut off by his phone vibrating in his pocket and pulled it out, sliding his finger over the screen to answer.
With Ciel's gaze facing elsewhere, Alois watched as Sebastian took the opportunity to lean over to whisper something to Finny. It was barely audible but Alois still heard the words as they were breathed into Finny's ear.
"I'll have to show you someday then, won't I?"
Alois smirked to himself.
Sebastian, you pervert.
Ciel ended the call and looked around the room at his friends. "It was just Lizzy, she said she's coming by later." His eyes fell on his best friend and with a frown he asked, "What's up with you Finny? You look like someone just killed your puppy."
"Uhm… nothing. Let's get on with the game!"
"Yes, I believe it is my turn to ask a question," Sebastian started, composed and relaxed on the soft mattress, with just a hint of a smirk tugging at his lips. "I will admit to having tried drugs in the past. Alois… have you ever done any drugs in the proximity of my brother?"
The blonde let out a faint laugh. "You're an idiot, Sebastian."
"Oh… an idiot you say? An idiot wouldn't get exactly what he sought for."
"And what might that be?"
The left side of the raven-haired male's lips curved up just slightly when his eyes fell on Ciel.
"Are you two being serious? What's this all about?" Ciel burst out in confusion.
Alois sighed. "Sebastian is just getting the information he wants in a very irritating way."
"So you two are doing drugs, is that what you're saying?" Ciel asked in a surprisingly calm tone.
"I swear Sebastian…" Alois sighed in exasperation. "It doesn't concern you, Ciel. Sebastian isn't doing any drugs. You two are such good little boys and he's just trying to make sure that I'm not corrupting you."
"Okay… I should probably get upset about this, and don't get me wrong, I do have several opinions regarding the matter but… my brain can only handle so much." Ciel sighed and met his brother's gaze. "Sebastian, I have never been anywhere near any drugs." He turned his head to the blonde beside him. "Alois, you should quit. Can we stop talking about this now and continue with the game?"
"Yes please. It's my turn," Alois said quickly, grateful that the subject had changed. He was somewhat puzzled as to why Ciel was so calm about the whole drug thing, but he was absolutely not going to question him about it. "Finny. If you ever did get down and dirty with a man—"
"No, not this again." Ciel groaned loudly and fell back on the bed.
"Oh, be quiet, you prude. As I was saying… if you ever would get the chance to fuck with a male, would you allow that man to stick it up your ass?"
Finny, who had been quiet for a long time, opened his mouth slowly, his cheeks tinted in a faint crimson. "You're supposed to confess something."
"Oh, right. I forgot. My ass has had many dicks in it."
"That's not a confession, everyone already knows that," Ciel muttered.
Alois laughed. "It still counts. Finny?"
"I suppose… I would," the strawberry-blonde boy answered, slightly embarrassed.
"Isn't that nice? Guys fucking asses and guys sucking dicks; is that all we're going to talk about from now on?" Ciel snarled from his place on the bed.
No one paid any attention to him.
"Does it hurt?" Finny asked Alois.
"Nah, it's not that bad. Not if you do it right."
"Ah, okay… Have you ever done it, Sebastian?"
"Okay, I'm leaving," Ciel stated, getting to his feet.
"Well…" Sebastian started, but Ciel's unhappy tone cut him off.
"BYE!" Ciel walked straight to the door and grabbed the handle, but Alois quickly caught up to him, snickering as he spun the younger boy around and pinned him to the door.
"Don't go. We'll stop—right guys?"
"Yeah, we'll stop! Sorry, Ciel," Finny assured his friend.
Ciel was frowning at Alois, struggling a little against the blonde's hold. The sight of the younger boy had Alois smiling like a child on Christmas and he leaned in until his face was mere inches from Ciel's, letting his tongue slip one unseemly sentence.
"I love the blush you get whenever I touch you."
"Okay, that's it!" Ciel snapped and broke free from Alois' grip, angrily barging out the door. The blonde went after the younger boy in the hallway, grabbing his wrist as he caught up to him.
"Ciel…" he almost whispered as he pulled the smaller boy closer to him and wrapped his arms around him.
"Alois!" Ciel whined. "Friends, remember?"
"Yeah, I know… I won't do anything. I just wanted to apologize properly for my behavior yesterday."
"It's fine…"
"I was trying to get you jealous," Alois confessed without thinking about it.
"I didn't get jealous! That's not why I—"
"Then why did you get so angry?"
"Because… it was Claude and…" Ciel rubbed his forehead and groaned. "That's why I said I acted childish! I was upset about Hannah and when you got all friendly with that idiot I just snapped."
"I'm sorry about that too…"
"Don't worry about it. We're good. Can you let me go now?"
Alois ignored Ciel and pulled him even closer, hugging him tightly.
"Alois…" Ciel murmured in an annoyed tone against the skin on his neck and the blonde loosened his grip and pulled away, looking down at the younger boy.
And there it was; that blush again.
Information: Sebby and Finny will NOT start dating in this fic, so those of you who hate the ship can relax. However, I happen to love that ship and… well. I might write a little one shot on the side.
I hope you liked this chapter even though it was quite sad. I'd love to hear your thoughts!
Next chapter will take place two weeks later.
