Okay, so I definitely know where I am ending this story…only a few chapters left (five at the very most, probably 3 or 4). We'll be jumping ahead pretty far in the future, and (might) go into the past one last time from here on out.
Long chapter…just a warning!
2040
For the first time in his life, Joel was happy: blissfully, stupidly happy.
Yet time often confused Joel more than he wanted to admit. Although so much joy and normalcy had occurred in the past two years (seven years to be exact, but five of those were formative) with Ellie, occasionally the numb emotions of the past would eat at him.
The man was convinced by now that these episodes of darkness this were something to be endured no matter how much time progressed, even though they were painful, but they were often short. Usually they were expected once or twice a year, but the onset of the emotions never failed to frighten him. In turn, he would shut down like he was accustomed to for so many years.
Sometimes, the memories of all his struggles would eat away at him: he would feel responsibility all over again for Vera's suicide, he would relive the death of Sarah and Tess, or he would be reminded of Ellie's traumatic winter experiences. These memories forced out the tormented, quiet, brooding self that he used to know all those years ago.
When his memories haunted him, it was not something that was evident to everyone. Tommy and Maria were their constant companions, and yet even then they often could not tell when Joel was in one of his "moods".
Ellie, of course, would always pick up on the subtle nuances in his behavior. The wrinkles under his eyes would suddenly seem more evident, although he seemed to have become younger in Jackson; he would stir a little more in his sleep at night, during conversation a distant look would occur for a few seconds, and he tended to drink more than usual.
On this occasion, however, Joel was not quite sure what triggered his darkness. Usually the episodes tended to strike around the change of the seasons, with one always right before winter.
Yet as he sat in the kitchen with a half drank bottle of whiskey, he realized it was the middle of summer. Joel frowned for a moment to himself, before he took a long swig, and stared out the window. As he enjoyed the darkness outside and his solitude, he heard a faint sound behind him, and spun around quickly.
Ellie stood in the doorframe, arms crossed with a raised eyebrow, and Joel smiled awkwardly before he glued his eyes to the floor. She walked toward him slowly, and he wrapped his arms around her midsection, nuzzling his head into her abdomen.
"Am I bein' scolded?" he asked in an attempt to be playful, though he knew she would see through his façade.
"No, but it's two in the morning and I got curious when I heard you get out of bed," she almost chuckled, but maintained an air of seriousness that made Joel uneasy. She's worried about me.
"That was 'bout an hour ago," Joel mumbled, and finally let go of her waist before he had the courage to look her in the eyes.
"Figured I'd let you sort your emotions out before I came to pry," she said suggestively.
"There ain't nothing to sort out, you know I just get like this sometimes," he grumbled.
"Yeah, but usually I know when to expect it. Do you have any clue what prompted it this time?" she asked, eyes wide.
"…Ellie," he groaned, brow furrowed.
"Joel," she scolded in response, and he almost smiled. Though she had always had a backbone, it had become more evident lately, which humored him.
"Hell, I don't know. Maybe it's just insomnia or something, this is the first time," he said with a shrug.
"Well, are you going to be awake enough to celebrate Emily's birthday party today?" she pressed, and Joel actually smiled.
"That's my niece! Of course," he replied, dumbfounded that she would question him.
Tommy and Maria had finally gotten a little miracle a year ago. At first, Joel was reluctant to get too close, as the baby reminded him too much of his experiences with Sarah as an infant, but once he held that little girl in his arms his reluctance disappeared. I am such a god-damned sap. Joel had not been the only one who was enchanted with the little girl, and he was surprised to see that Ellie had developed such an intense attachment.
"Just checking…sometimes you get a little cranky when you're sleepy, old man," she chided softly.
"What, this old man ain't enough for you any more?" he joked, almost prepared to hide his hurt should she agree, but softened when he realized she was indeed being sarcastic.
"Joel, come back to bed," she replied after she allowed herself to laugh, and much to her surprise, he listened.
(Later That Day…)
As the whole family celebrated Emily's first birthday in the backyard, Joel sat on a wooden picnic table and watched the scene unfold, like a ghost.
Tommy, Maria, Maria's father, and Ellie were all spread across the yard. Tommy was next to him chatting mercilessly, while Maria and her father embraced each other near the grill. The aura of the scene was calm and loving, and yet Joel felt troubled, like a sickness inside him bubbled under the surface…like there was a feeling of remorse, though he was not sure why he felt guilty; his eyes were glued to his companion.
Ellie sat under a large oak tree with Emily in her lap: he watched as she bounced her, and as the rosy-cheeked child looked at Ellie with the sort of unyielding love that made him weak. Then she kissed the infant on the cheek, and received a giggle in response.
"-Joel, you listen to any damn thing I just said?" Tommy interrupted, and Joel swallowed hard as he tore his eyes from the sight.
"…Sorry, what?" he asked, and his brother frowned.
"I can't tell if you're lookin' at my girl or yours," Tommy joked, now focused on Joel's distraction.
"Ellie ain't my girl, for one. And yes, I was adoring my niece, little brother," Joel replied with a scowl.
Joel and Ellie's relationship had never been explicitly stated out loud to the community, because he felt it was no one's business. That being said, Tommy and Maria were both a little confused as to why Ellie had never left his side, but even they did not assume that the relationship had progressed to what it now was. Not that they would mind, and not that their opinions were vital, but it was sure to cause a little drama at first if they found out. Joel ultimately just wanted to avoid that conversation as long as possible.
"Well thank you, because she's the damn cutest thing to ever come outta me," Tommy said, and it actually garnered a laugh from Joel.
"Never heard a truer statement," Joel agreed, and felt a little relief that his brother had taken the bait to change the subject.
"You know, Ellie's really matured into a fine young woman," he continued, now serious, and Joel almost blushed out of pride, because he agreed.
"A damn fine young woman. I don't know how she maintains compassion with all she's seen, but she's never failed to surprise me. Hell of a better person than I am," Joel gushed, and Tommy's eyes widened as he nodded.
"Are we gettin' soft in our old age, big brother?" he accused, and Joel pushed his shoulder playfully.
"You sayin' I got soft?" he asked.
"No, I'm just watching you gush over Ellie. Why is it she keeps puttin' up with you, anyway?" he continued to joke, but Joel sensed it was also an attempt to pull information out of him. Nice try.
"I wish I knew…" Joel sighed with a shrug, as he realized he spoke truth, and suddenly got quiet again as his eyes locked with Ellie's across the yard. Ellie smiled in return, raised from the ground with Emily in arms, and walked toward them.
"Ellie, you look good with a child on your hip," Tommy praised, and Joel instantly felt his face flush. What in the hell kind of comment is that, fucker? Ellie flashed him a quick glare of disapproval to get him to calm down, which worked, before she continued her conversation with Tommy.
"Do I really?" Ellie laughed as she played along, but there was something in her eyes that seemed to brighten from his compliment.
"You sure do. Hell, Joel and I were just talking about how well you've become a respectable young woman. You plan on settling down anytime with one of the boys in town?" Tommy asked, in a way that was only kind, but it almost set Joel over the edge.
If there was anything he hated, it was someone who was pushy, and he did not know how else to feel about his brother's comments. Couples in town continued to have children, though most of the population was aging. It seemed lately that Tommy was looking to the next generation to continue on the Jackson legacy.
It was not necessarily a selfish desire, as Tommy simply enjoyed the pleasure of others, but Joel was infuriated that he had had the gall to initiate this inappropriate conversation with a young woman who was family.
Perhaps, under the surface, Joel was concerned that Ellie might take these comments to heart…and might try to use biology to her advantage. The topic of her as a mother was not something that Joel had ever considered. However, it made sense to him now that he had seemed so uncomfortable as he watched her play with Emily. You can't give her a child…even if that's what she wants…even if that's what she'll need.
Of course, Joel was physically capable of making a child with Ellie. But emotionally, it would set him over the edge.
He refused to be a father again, especially with Ellie's child; not only did he feel too old… not only would it cause an uproar of confusion in the community… but mostly, he felt like it was a complete disgrace to Sarah's memory. What, you're just gonna up and restart every aspect of your whole life here, and forget your own daughter? No. This is where my comfort level ends, dammit.
With all these thoughts to contemplate, however, he reminded himself that Ellie had never mentioned the desire to be a mother, and suddenly relaxed. But if Tommy continued on like this, he might unintentionally plant the seed of reproduction in Ellie's mind. Or, bring her own desires out in the open for the first time.
…Was this the darkness that's been haunting me? Have I always known something was missing? If this is what Ellie wants, why hasn't she told me?
Joel could feel his selfishness grow in the moment, and recognized it was wrong, but also knew that if he could find a way to manipulate this situation, he would do it in a heartbeat. As his panic rose, Ellie swallowed and prepared to speak again.
"…You mean, like have kids of my own?" she questioned, and Joel clenched his jaw as he searched her face rapidly to understand what was running through her mind.
"It's what most normal people do, Ellie. It sure is gratifying…I've never felt more complete in my life," Tommy gushed, and reached out to take Emily.
"What the hell is normal, anyway, Tommy?" Joel finally spoke up, in a growl.
"Jeez, Joel, calm down," Ellie whispered with a glare, but it went unnoticed by Tommy, as he was adjusting Emily in his lap.
"Joel, you're just too scared to let go of her. Ellie, you can speak up for yourself, do you want kids someday?" he urged, smile on his face, and Joel wanted to rip it off.
"…I mean, yeah…" she admitted, after a sigh.
Joel felt rage color his features, and after a moment he finally released the breath he had been holding. He knew she had not agreed just to satisfy Tommy's curiosity. No, she had fearfully spoken truth for the first time, and she had dreaded Joel's response all along.
As panic and ire consumed him, Joel stood up.
"Uh, I ain't feelin' too hot, Ellie," he almost yelled, and everyone stopped to look at him.
"Then I guess you should walk home," she suggested, now annoyed.
"Ellie, I was hopin' you might go with me," he spat slowly.
"You guys leaving so soon? Dad's taking Emily for the night, I thought you all might stay for the 'adults only' bash," Maria spoke up, and began to walk toward them.
I am losing my goddamn patience.
"If I feel better, we'll definitely be back later. Stomach's just a little unsettled," he said, which was not fully a lie, and began to walk away as Ellie trudged behind him.
"Thanks for a great party, guys," Ellie said softly.
The tension between them was thick as they walked home in silence. Ellie's light footsteps behind him abruptly reminded him of their cross-country journey, and he huffed bitterly. Upon entry into the house, Ellie slammed the door, and Joel whipped around to look at her.
"All right asshole, what's the problem?" she accused, and Joel had to sit down.
"I wanna ask you a question, and I want you to answer honestly," he warned, and she stood in front of him, arms crossed.
"Is this about Tommy's questions?" she asked.
"Yes, its got everything to do with that!" he almost yelled.
"Joel, I said I want kids someday," she stated, eyes wide.
"Did you mean with me? Because you know I can't do that. It's why we've been so damn careful."
"Yes, I know you won't have a child with me, but that doesn't mean I don't want them! Sorry I was honest!"
"Ellie, this is what I meant when I told you a long time ago that I cannot give you what someone younger can. Now, I love you, and you are my life, but we will never, ever have a child. Okay?" he tried to explain, but his anger turned into sorrow quickly.
"Okay," she nodded in full agreement, and he felt his heart break.
"…Why don't you try with someone else…? I won't be angry with you," he suggested with desperation.
"Are you trying to whore me out so I can have a child? This really isn't a big deal; I don't know why you're so upset! I mean, I don't want one right now," she said, very confused.
"It isn't a big deal now, but it's gonna be a big deal when I'm long gone, and you're still childless at thirty-five. Or if you start to realize how desperately you want one before I'm gone. You'll resent me, and rightfully so," he explained, and looked helpless.
"I know what I've signed up for, Joel. I haven't sacrificed anything, and I won't feel that way. Honest, you don't have to feel like I'm pressuring you," she explained, and he nodded.
"I just feel…guilty. Like I'm taking the opportunity of a lifetime away from you."
"I would rather have you than a child, Joel," she admitted, selflessly. The selfishness of his resolution seemed to stab him in the heart, as usual.
"You shouldn't have to make a decision like that," he said, and shook his head.
"Well, then give in to me," she suggested, more for the effect of reverse psychology, and he frowned.
"You know I can't do that," he contradicted himself.
"All right, then let's stop talking about it. You were the one who got all bent out of shape about this, Joel, it wasn't me insinuating anything this time," she said.
"I know…and I'm sorry… I got outta line back there. But I panicked, I mean, who the hell is Tommy to ask something like that anyway?" he brought it up, and almost got angry again.
"Joel, relax. Let's just stay here for a while and head back to Tommy's later. I'm always game for a good buzz, and we don't want them to think you're angry at them," she stated, and after a moment of consideration he nodded.
(The Next Day)
Joel shifted uncomfortably in bed, and squinted from the headache that throbbed at his temples. Shit.
Last night the drinking had gotten slightly out of hand, but no one dared judge anyone. For one, Joel was glad to have had his minor panic attack with Ellie out of the way, and was willing to get back to happiness.
Also, Tommy and Maria had endured the most sleepless, stressful year of their lives, so they were more than willing to take a quick break from Emily. It was evident about halfway through the night, after the alcohol and dancing wore off, that both of them were simply finished with their old way of life, and could not wait to get back to parenting.
Joel, however, always found drinking with Ellie to be an fun experience, though it was probably because it was still new to him: she had turned twenty-one recently, so he no longer shunned her habit, and decided to take part in it with her. Honestly, she was not well aware of her limits, so although moments of hilarity ensued, Joel wanted to make sure he was at least sober enough to keep her from hurting herself accidentally.
Almost on queue, Joel stretched his hand across the bed, and noticed that Ellie's presence was not there. Slowly, with a groan, he raised himself up and set off to find her. Once he reached the stairs, he heard a muffled sound come from the bathroom, and he knocked on the door.
"Ellie?" he called, almost concerned.
"I'm fine," she called in annoyance.
"That don't sound very fine," Joel replied with a frown, as he heard her retch slightly. As he knew the door was unlocked, he opened it quietly, and found her with her head pressed against the porcelain.
"…Fuck, Joel," she finally choked, once she saw he had let himself inside.
"Killer hangover, huh?" he almost laughed, but knew she would be irritated that he continued to meddle. He bent down, and sat next to her.
"Yeah," she managed to speak.
"Here, lemme look at'cha," he pressed gently, jokes aside, and lifted her chin up. Bloodshot eyes glared at him, and her chapped lips were pursed in a near pout as she fell victim to his assessment.
"What?" she prompted.
"You, darlin', got shit-faced. I guess you can't hang with this old man…" he taunted to make her smile, but felt bad as she suddenly pulled away and gagged again.
Done with his attempt at humor, Joel rubbed her back for a moment, which seemed to comfort her even if she refused to admit it.
"Listen, I'll leave you alone, but are you thirsty? Figure I could grab you some water," he used as a peace offering.
"I would appreciate that," she agreed.
"All right, I'll be back. Think you could stomach some breakfast?" he asked, as he now stood in the doorway.
"Yes, I'm starving!" she replied quickly and he frowned with his back to her as he made his way downstairs.
Starving with a hangover? She…no…no, no, that's not possible.
Okay...next chapter probably next week! Thanks for support, as always.