Chapter Twelve
There's a Drug for that
Summer 26
"I made a mistake, I made a mistake telling him what happened on that day. He wasn't ready to hear what happened."
"And what makes you think that he wasn't ready."
"Couldn't be because he was ready to strangle me once I told him!"
"Do you think that it was possible, that this...Shane, has a different method of coping. Angry is a natural response to losing a loved one in such a harsh manner. Not everyone expresses their emotions with tears." I sat up slowly looking at the older man, my lips pursed out.
"Sometimes you say shit that just annoys the crap out of me."
"Jill, anger is a normal response. Would you care to punch some pillows?" I took a deep breath my eyes closed then I smiled at him.
"I would LOVE to punch a pillow," I replied and the older man gave me a warm smile standing up a pillow in the front of him.
"Now then, let all your depression and frustrations out in the pillow. If it helps you, you can imagine the one you are angry with. No wrong answers here Jill." I stood up a smile still on my face.
"Of course," I replied clenching my fingers and throwing a punch completely missing the pillow on purpose and hitting my shrink in the stomach. He doubled over coughing and I cocked my head to the side cracking my knuckles a smile still on my face.
"You're right Doc, I DO feel better."
"That's great~glad to hear," the shrink replied with a cough. He took a deep breath and straightened up. "While you were hitting me in the gut, did you imagine Shane's face."
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm not angry at him."
"Why not? It seems as though his reaction to your...Incident...Was a bit uncalled for."
"How would you respond if someone told you that they knew EXACTLY how your parents died because they witnessed it?" I asked and my shrink sat down a small smile on his face, a finger tapping the side of his face.
"Well, if I had to have a normal reaction I would say that I would be a bit hurt."
"Oh! So you would say that a NORMAL reaction would be hurt, which is one of the many emotions that I saw in Shane's face that night?" I replied sarcastically before sitting back down. My shrink's eye twitched.
"Jill are you depressed?"
"Yes, I now spend many nights crying because I still see his hurt and betrayal in his eyes. I can't look at him, I've been avoiding him. I drink at home now."
"And what about this box that his father asked you to give to Shane?"
"It stays on me at all times...He said that I would know when he's ready for it, but I feel as though I can't be certain as to when that time will be."
"How often do you drink Jill?"
"Well, when I get home from talking to you I'll probably drink and question why you are my shrink. Speaking of, where did you get your degree from, because I feel as though you're really not helping me."
"That's ok Jill. Lashing out is a normal response for someone that is coping with tragedy."
"Really? What isn't a normal response then?" I demanded throwing myself face down into the couch pillows.
"Jill, what you are experiencing isn't that far off from normality. Most people cope with their emotions through drugs because their emotions take over them."
"So...What you're saying is...There's a drug for that...Right?"
"Jill, I don't recommend any kind of drugs for you. I think you are handling your situation very well. You are working every day, you have, from what I can tell, a few friends that you speak to, and not to mention you delve into the mines to express your frustrations. You are not killing people, you are not burning fields or houses. You are making things work, and that Jill is a good sign of progress and moving forward," he replied with a reassuring smile.
"So...Keep doing what I'm doing?" I asked looking up at my shrink. He nodded his head.
"Absolutely."
"...And...What about my problem with Shane?" I asked quietly, and my shrink sat back in his chair.
"It sounds as though Shane has more than just his parents death to deal with. Something that he isn't ready to talk about just yet...But when he is Jill, he'll come to you to talk about it." I frowned.
"I have a hard time believing that he would come to me with his problems. He pretty much hates me right now."
"He is expressing hate towards you, but he does not HATE you." I let out a slow sigh.
"I don't think he would. I think he really hates me."
Pam parked the bus and I stepped off still feeling as though I were in a drugged daze. It was the first session I had with the doctor since a year ago when he cleared me for my psych evaluation. That was when he said that I could go out into society without blowing anyone's head off. Of course, I never really wanted to blow someone's head off in the first place. I just wanted to hide away into my own little corner of the world.
"Why are you following me?" I interrupted my own line of thought to turn to the young man walking behind me. He stopped and smiled running a hand through his brown hair.
"Jill! Funny seeing you here."
"Alex! I live here," I retorted and the young man flushed a light shade of pink. "Can I help you?"
"No no..I mean Yes! Well...I hope you can? Maybe?" he replied uncertainly and I turned to him confused. "Two things! Please."
"Um, sure I suppose. What is it?"
"I know you've been doing the whole farming thing, you know, I've noticed all that toned muscle from your working...Anyway!" He exclaimed blushing and I felt my cheeks grown warm. "I was wondering if you were growing some hot peppers by any chance."
"Um, yes I am. Why?"
"I was wondering if you could spare me some...I-I'd pay you for them! I just...I just want some for my grandfather...His knees give him so many problems during this season and he uses hot peppers to give them some relief."
"Oh! Absolutely! My grandmother did the same until the day she died, bless her, she always did like those herbal remedies," I replied and waved him to follow me. "I'll make sure I give you some of my hottest peppers for George."
"Thanks! How much you want to charge me for this?" I shook my head.
"Oh don't worry about payment. This is no problem." I said smiling up at Alex. He flushed red again.
"Thanks."
"So...About that second thing?" I asked and Alex's face flushed a darker red. He scratched the back of his head.
"Well...Jill...There's this festival coming up at the end of the season...It's called the Flight of the Moonlight Jellies...And I was just...You know...Thinking...Maybe we could...you know...Watch them off together?" He asked hopefully and I frowned.
"Actually," I began handing some peppers to him, "I wasn't intending on going to the festival."
"Oh...I see...It really is a great festival Jill."
"Oh Alex, I don't doubt that...I just...I'm not feeling in a very social mood," I replied sorrowfully. Alex nodded his head.
"Friendship problems right?" He asked and I frowned.
"I guess you can say that," I said quietly. Alex rested a hand on my shoulder.
"Well...I'm sure it will work out eventually...If given the right amount of time," Alex replied and I let out a slow exhale.
"Yea...I'm sure...At least I want to be hopeful about it," I said quietly. Alex kissed the top of my head and I felt the heat rise to my cheeks again.
"Don't worry! They will! You're too pretty to stay mad at for long," Alex exclaimed with a smile. "Thanks for the peppers, my grandfather will appreciate them very much!"
"Of course. Tell you're grandparents I said hi."
"Of course, enjoy your week," Alex replied waving off as he left the farm. I waved goodbye to him and considered his words. I wanted to accept that everyone was all forgiving, but I felt as though that wouldn't happen. I thought that if I could have one person accept my faults and what I've done, what I've been through that maybe I could move on...But all that I was banking on ended when I saw how hurt Shane was after my confession. I slapped my hand against my forehead. It was foolish of me to dwell on everything that went wrong in my life. I needed to move on from it. I frowned and slammed my head against the door.
"I can't just move on! I can't do that!" I cried feeling the tears run down my face. I was a wreck and was going to stay a wreck for the rest of my life. I wiped my face furiously and grabbed my pickax and sword. I needed to vent, and I was heading to the mines, and at this point I didn't give a shit if I passed out in the mines either. I made my way up the mountain side and pass Robin's place.
"Where are you heading all geared up the way you are?" A deep voice asked and I turned around to find Sebastian standing out by the lake, cigarette hanging out his mouth looking at me from the corner of his eye. I stopped.
` "That's a filthy habit you know," I replied and Sebastian shrugged.
"So is going into the mines. What were you thinking, gonna smash you some monsters?" He asked and I shrugged.
"Yea."
"You seem distracted, do you really think that's a safe thing to do?"
"Probably not. But what does it matter?"
"You know," he began flicking his cigarette to the ground and stomping it out, "there are other ways to vent your anger other then trying to get yourself killed in the mines."
"And what makes you think that I had any intention of getting killed down there?" I questioned watching Sebastian walk up to me.
"You may not have had the intention of it, but," he said "you're not all there either," he finished flicking my head. I rubbed my forehead.
"Gee, thanks for the pep talk Sebastian," I replied shifting uncomfortably. He turned to start walking away motioning with his head for me to follow, and I followed a bit uncertainly, into the carpenter's home and down the stairs to the basement where he slept.
"Sit your skinny ass over there," he ordered pointing at a large table in the far corner of the room. I sat down watching him grab some items from his desk drawer, before sitting across from me at the table.
"Ever played Solorian Chronicles?" He asked placing a map down on the table and I shrugged.
"Is it like D&D?" I asked and Sebastian shook his head slightly.
"Something like that."
"Then no." Sebastian shook his head.
"It's not hard. And it helps with the angst."
"Ok then, show me."