The next chapter should be the last.

Functional

Chapter 12: Cartman's Wedding

"I definitely prefer my black one," Kyle said.

"I think you look hot," Stan replied.

Stan and Kyle were on their way to Cartman's wedding, Sharon was looking after the kids. As groomsman, they were wearing white and had been told to wear something in 'their colour'. So Stan was wearing a blue bow tie and Kyle's was green (he was also wearing his ushanka, he'd made sure to ask Cartman at the bachelor's party and Cartman had allowed it).

"How nervous do you think Cartman is?" Stan asked.

"Shitting himself," Kyle laughed, "I was before our wedding."

"I know," Stan smiled, "So was I."

"I distinctly remember not wanting to fuck it up for you."

"Why would you want to? It was your big day too."

"Very true," Kyle conceded.

"Do you think Kenny's ever going to get married?" Stan wondered.

"Probably not," Kyle shrugged, "He already has three kids and three jobs, he doesn't have the time for romance."

"That's sad," Stan frowned.

Kyle raised an eyebrow at him quizzically, "Why? Not everyone gets married."

"Maybe I have a bias, considering the fact that I'm married to the greatest guy in the world," Stan explained, making Kyle smile and blush slightly, "But I love being married, it means that no matter what, I'll have someone who'll always remain by my side, someone who'll love me unconditionally. Kenny deserves someone like that."

"You know why he hasn't," Kyle pointed out.

"I know, because he was a whore."

"I do understand what you're saying," Kyle conceded, "But Kenny ruined his chance by getting two other girls pregnant."

Stan locked their hands together, "I'm glad I didn't, my life wouldn't be as good as it is now if I had."

"You like dick anyway," Kyle chuckled, "So you wouldn't get three girls pregnant at the same time. We got a girl pregnant by spooging into a cup."

"Worth it though."

"Kenny can you get off your fucking phone?"

Kenny jolted at Cartman's yell and shoved his phone into his pocket.

"I'm freaking out over here!"

"I know, I'm hoping my Zen transfers to you."

"I'm so close to beating the shit out of you right now."

"Kyle punched me when he was freaking out, hence why I'm sitting on the other side of the room."

"Wait… Kyle punched you?"

"He was worried about fucking up, I made jokes about him fucking up," Kenny shrugged, "So he slugged me in the gut."

Cartman snickered.

"Asshole."

There was a knocking on the door, Kenny got up and opened it.

"Hey dude," Stan smiled.

"How you holding up?" Kyle asked.

"I think I need to change my pants," Cartman groaned.

Stan walked over and clapped Cartman on the shoulder, "Don't worry about. Think about how happy you'll make Wendy or how beautiful she'll look in the dress, it works, trust me."

"What if she decides she wants to call it off?"

Cartman was beginning to panic, so Kyle walked over and slapped him across the face.

"She's not going to call it off," Kyle said sternly, "What reason does she have to?"

"None, we've been getting closer since we got engaged."

"Exactly, you're going to go out there and marry that woman, kiss her when Maxi says 'you may now kiss the bride' and host a little party afterwards before you go for a holy fuck. To do that, you need to get your shit together!"

Cartman was briefly stunned by Kyle's rant, but he gulped and nodded.

"I needed that."

Kyle's lips turned upward, "Good, now get out there fatass."

Cartman was beginning to sweat as he waited at the altar, he glanced over to his three friends who each gave him a gesture to try and raise his confidence, Stan gave a thumbs-up, Kyle smiled and Kenny gave him a middle-finger, Cartman chuckled at the last one. He jolted when he heard the church doors open and the wedding march began to play, he turned and his breath was taken away suddenly.

Wendy looked stunning.

He thanked his lucky stars when she took his hands and exchanged vows, he felt completely zoned out, in awe of her.

"Eric Theodore Cartman, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I wouldn't be here if I didn't."

He could feel Kyle's eye roll behind him.

"Wendy Marissa Testaburger, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I wouldn't be here if I didn't," She repeated, causing Cartman's smile to grow.

"You may now kiss the bride."

They kissed (obviously) and everyone in the church began to clap and cheer, as if it was the first kiss they'd ever seen in their life. Cartman's and Wendy's smiles mirrored each other's.

They'd be seeing them a lot from now on.

"As the best man," Kenny stood at the table during the reception, "I was told I had to write a speech. After realising I couldn't recycle my old one, I wrote this one.

"Eric Cartman is who I consider to be my best friend. Admittedly, this was originally by default, but when he actually became a nice person, this title was now justified. Cartman became the one I would turn to if life at home became difficult and we came to reply on each other for comfort during the difficult times in our life. Eric is one of the bravest people I know, purely because he was able to face up to what he did as a child and how he acted, even apologising to a lot of people. Naturally there were people who didn't believe him, but he let them be and didn't force it. I don't know whether many people knew about the changed Eric Cartman, but I'm proud to call him my best friend."

There were many people who applauded Kenny's speech, Cartman leading the applause as he stood.

"Thank you Kenny," He grinned, "I'd like to thank all of you for being here, but I have a lot of individual thank yous to give out. First is my mom, for raising me to this point and always supporting me, second is my new wife, for actually marrying me and loving me. Third is my best friend Kenny, for being my best man and always being there for me. That one extends to my fourth thank you and my fifth. Fourth are my other two friends since kindergarten, Stan and Kyle, for forgiving my previous actions and accepting me as a fiend anyway. Fifth and last is Butters, for planning this whole event, you did a good job."

"Wowee!" Butters smiled.

Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Butters looked on as the 'just married' car left the reception.

"You two need to get married now guys," Kyle laughed.

"You're not going to let this go are you," Kenny groaned.

"We can go down to city hall now to do it," Stan smiled, "Let's go."