Chapter Twelve: Running

A/N: Well, this chapter wrote itself (Not a lot of action, actually, but plenty of talking...) so you get an earlier-than-anticipated update. Enjoy.

After Hiei's departure Kurama found himself with a great deal of energy, much more energy than he'd had since before Satsuki; but it wasn't a good thing. The energy was restless, frantic, agitated. It wasn't so much that he couldn't get his thoughts in order as that he couldn't even manage to have a coherent thought, and he was experiencing too many emotions to be able to isolate them from one another, let alone name them. He suddenly realized that he was pacing his room.

Quick on the heels of that realization was an intense, unexpected but uncontrollable yearning to go outside. He had not been outside very much since his rescue, barely even venturing out of his room, and it suddenly seemed like cruelty to keep a wild animal inside like this. If he'd had the energy, he would have transformed into his fox form and been running through the forest quicker than thought. As it was, he managed to propel himself rather forcefully, if unsteadily, out of his room.

Kurama discovered quickly that though he had the manic energy needed to keep to his feet, his sense of balance still left a great deal to be desired. Nevertheless he moved out onto the porch and then down into the gardens; when he realized he wasn't going to fall he stopped thinking about it, and was soon so lost in haphazard thought that he was scarcely aware of his surroundings again. Only a vague need to run kept him moving unsteadily downhill, towards the forest.

He was so wrapped up inside himself that he didn't make the connection that someone was calling his name until a fraction of a second before he walked full-on into them, with no hesitation or lessening of his speed. The impact was far from gentle; but the person he'd walked into grabbed Kurama before he could fall with enough strength to easily keep him on his feet, and asked in a voice that he'd long ago ceased to find grating from sheer familiarity, "Hey, are you--okay?"

Kurama's head cleared slightly, and he managed to look up at Kuwabara. "Ah--"

"You want to sit down?"

"Absolutely not."

"Well, then you've got to accept some company," Kuwabara replied, speaking with nearly the vehemence Kurama had. "I'm not going to let you walk around like that, you looked like you were trying to wander around a ship in the middle of a hurricane or something. What happened?"

Still struggling to focus on the here and now, Kurama replied a little vaguely. "I was--upset."

Kuwabara's eyes narrowed slightly. "Do I need to beat someone up for you? I mean, I know normally you can take care of your own stuff but seeing as how you're recovering, if somebody's being a jerk to you I could really use some exercise."

Kurama couldn't help himself; he laughed. And the act of laughing calmed him down. "You're a good friend, Kuwabara." And a good friend--whom I have no romantic attachment to!--is something I could use right now. Even though I can't talk to him about it--just being with someone who loves me but doesn't love me might help.

"So that's a no on the beating people up idea?"

"It is. But it's a yes to walking with me, if you wouldn't mind. I just had to get outside."

"Of course I don't mind." A little awkwardly, Kuwabara added, "I was going to see Yukina, but if you don't want--"

"I would love to see Yukina," Kurama interrupted quickly, "if you'd forgive my intrusion." Even as he lapsed into Shuichi's formality, he realized with a shock that he hadn't seen Yukina in nearly a week. And she was staying at the shrine for him. The woman he'd cared enough about to go through all this--and he was shutting her out, shutting out everyone but Yusuke and Hiei, he was even still lying to Shiori without a need to. What an idiotic thing to do.

Kuwabara was supporting Kurama in a slower, much steadier pace, completely unaware of the small epiphany Kurama was having. "She'll be really happy to see you, you know, she feels bad that she couldn't help you any more than she did." Even in the simplest statements, Kurama could hear Kuwabara's love for his wife seeping into his voice, his affection for her and pride in her. Just like Yusuke and I sound when we're teasing Hiei about her, or hell, about anything... and just the way Hiei sounds when he's challenging me about something and won't back down... do I sound like that when I speak of them?

I know I do.

Kurama tried to focus back on the present again, since Kuwabara was still talking. When Yukina saw both of them coming her delight was obvious, and Kurama felt further chagrined. She ran to meet them and instead of standing next to her husband attached herself to Kurama's free arm--though Kurama would have much rather fallen than put his weight onto the petite koorime maiden and continued to rely entirely on Kuwabara for the support he needed, the amount of which was steadily increasing. The panicky energy that had propelled him outside was finally starting to ebb away, and exhaustion naturally took its place. Feeling how heavily Kurama was starting to lean on him, Kuwabara again suggested that they sit somewhere, and this time Kurama agreed.

Once they were sitting Yukina started to ask Kurama a question about how he was feeling, but some sort of nonverbal communication passed between her and Kuwabara and she switched to a different question. Kurama found himself unable to focus well enough to really take part in the conversation, but it was very pleasant to lean back and soak up the sunshine, listening to the sound of Yukina and Kuwabara's voices without really hearing their words. Even though it had been a panic attack that had taken him outside, he was finding it so refreshing that he had no intention of going back indoors, potentially ever.

After all... I can run out here if I need to.

The sudden thought jarred him badly. Run? He was safe here; who could he possibly need to run from? Surely not his closest friends; not the people who had searched for him night and day for three long months, who were now offering him their love so unconditionally. Yes... from them. From what they want. You have to run.

Kurama stood, abruptly disoriented again, and hastily excused himself from the conversation he hadn't really been participating in. Kuwabara stood too but Kurama waived him off and stumbled away on his own. He must have looked much better than he felt, because neither of his friends persisted in following him. In truth, he felt like he might fall over any minute; the frantic energy from before had abandoned him, leaving him with only a feeling of illness.

It occurred to him suddenly to wonder where Hiei was. Every time he had come even halfway this close to falling, been anywhere near this exhausted, Hiei had appeared to steady him; his vigilance had been unceasing.

But he won't come, not now--not unless you say his name. He's watching, because he needs to know you're safe--but he won't come unless you call him, even if you fall, because you asked him to leave. You told him you wanted to be alone. He won't disrespect your wishes, not unless it's a matter of life and death.

Kurama finally made it to the edge of the forest, and only went far enough beneath the trees to be certain he wasn't visible from the temple before allowing himself to collapse. After a rather bruising impact with the ground, he rolled himself onto his back and looked at the patterns the fading sunlight made with the leaves, trying to think. Why would I feel the need to run from Hiei and Yusuke? I love them.

But try as he might, he couldn't get any farther than that. The question couldn't be answered, because it lead him to parts of his mind that were blocked, that Hiei had explicitly warned him not to visit just this afternoon. It would take too much energy to break through the protective loop anyway. He knew he had the answers, but he didn't want to see them, not yet. Not yet.

So he continued to let his thoughts circle, in a way that could have quickly become dangerous; but he couldn't have been lying there for more than half an hour before a soft voice said, "Shuichi?"

Kurama propped himself up on his elbows. "Mother?"

Shiori had just entered the shadow of the trees, and she batted a dead leaf off her sweater as she came closer. "I hope you don't mind that I followed you; your friends were very concerned about you."

"Which friends?"

"That lovely couple... Yukina, is it, and Kuwabara?" Shiori knelt down on the ground, next to Kurama's head. "May I sit with you?"

Kurama nodded, resting his head on the ground again. Shiori began stroking his hair. "You know," she said, making conversation but also a little conspiringly, "I'm beginning to wonder if Yukina might be in a delicate condition... she seems so pale sometimes, but she's so beautiful and glowing all the time..."

"Yukina is always like that," Kurama replied absently. "She's an ice maiden, and beautiful at that. A type of demon," he added, seeing his mother's confusion.

"I didn't remember that she was a demon," Shiori said, looking understandably surprised. "I'm sure someone told me at some point, I just forgot--worrying about you," she added, ruffling Kurama's hair.

Out of the blue, Kurama was seized with an inexplicable but uncontrollable need to spill secrets. "Mother, if I tell you something now will you swear never to repeat it, to anyone?"

"Yes," Shiori replied, unfazed.

"Yukina is Hiei's sister."

"...But...oh, I'm being silly. I just remember you telling me that Hiei was a orphan, that he had no family--but that was so many years ago, of course it was all part of your cover story..."

"Hiei is an orphan; Yukina is his only family, and he refuses to acknowledge the relation. She doesn't even know; she knows she has a brother, but not that it's Hiei."

With a hint of outrage in her voice, Shiori asked, "Why would he not want to be related to that sweet child?"

"Because he has no self-esteem," Kurama muttered, sighing. He continued in a clearer tone. "Because he's a criminal, and because of what he views as his own personality defects, he thinks Yukina would be better off believing her brother to be dead or missing than knowing it's him. But he watches over her constantly."

"That... is very noble, and very stupid."

Kurama nearly laughed. "Yusuke's words verbatim."

Kurama felt Shiori shift uncomfortably, and wondered what was wrong. But even wondering, her next words threw him. "You said... you called Hiei a criminal?"

Kurama raised his eyebrows. "I thought Yusuke and Hiei told you everything?"

"They must have given me an edited version."

A severely edited version... I wonder when they were going to warn me not to prattle on about being a thief? And, I know she knows about the Forlorn Hope... they must have just neglected to mention Hiei and I had stolen it and were on the run...

While he was thinking this, Kurama found himself easily falling back into his habit of telling Shiori half-truths. "Hiei does have a criminal record," he said casually, as if it was for petty theft, "but I wouldn't let it worry you. I trust him implicitly." Except with my heart, apparently.

"You know... there have been times in the past I've been afraid of Hiei... he was always so imposing, so sinister somehow, and so strange, too. But now that I understand the strangeness, and now that I see what he and Yusuke did for you, he doesn't frighten me. I guess I trust him to take care of my baby," she concluded with a self-deprecating smile, ruffling Kurama's hair again.

Kurama didn't say anything. Shiori meant to be reassuring, that she accepted his friends, but all it served to do at the moment was remind him of his own confusion. Why can't I trust them? I know I love them. Why am I so upset?

"Shuichi..." Kurama realized too late that his unhappiness must be parading across his face. "What's troubling you?"

"...Hiei."

"What about him?"

Kurama had no idea how to being answering. He was trying to be more truthful with his mother, but how many shocks could her system take in regards to her perfect son? Well, she did handle the whole reincarnated demon thing exceptionally well... I suppose this shouldn't be too hard in comparison. "Mother... I'm... not exactly heterosexual."

"Oh, I know that, dear."

Kurama raised his eyebrows again, looking up at Shiori, and she had the grace to blush. "Forgive me, Shuichi, but it's not terribly difficult to tell. There have been signs, but even without them I just knew. I wondered if you knew."

"I suppose I shouldn't doubt a mother's intuition."

"So, are you and Hiei having a lovers' quarrel?"

"No, not exactly... that is, we're not lovers, we never have been..."

"But you would like to be?" Kurama's silence answered for him. "What exactly is happening between you two?"

Kurama couldn't believe how calm his mother was being. One part of him realized that he ought to shut up, that this wasn't the sort of thing one discussed with one's mother, but another part of him felt compelled to keep spilling secrets. "It's not just happening between Hiei and myself."

"Oh?"

Kurama inhaled deeply. "I kissed Yusuke today--after you left earlier. And then Yusuke left--he knows that Hiei and I care about each other deeply, and I suppose...well, he and Hiei had a--I don't even know how to describe it, Hiei says that they didn't actually fight but they did scream at each other a lot, and then Hiei came to see me..."

Kurama was running out of steam, and stopped there. Shiori, rather courageously in his opinion, began trying to make sense of his narrative. "Is Hiei angry with you?"

"No."

"Is Yusuke?"

"No."

Shiori paused. Speaking casually, in a tone that implied a complete lack of judgment, she asked, "You said how much you care about Hiei--why did you kiss Yusuke, then?"

"Because I think I love him too."

"...Ah." Shiori's tone said she finally understood, and Kurama wished with all his heart she really did. There was a moment of silence, and then she said, "Oh, Shuichi. What an awful thing, to have to choose between your two friends."

Kurama decided that since he had already said so much, he might as well keep going. "What would you say if I didn't have to choose?"

"I don't understand."

"What would you say if I told you that when Hiei came to me he told me he and Yusuke had talked for a long time and realized how much the cared about each other, too, not just about me--and that they'd decided that the best thing for the three of us to do was to not have to choose, just--for us all to be together?"

Shiori didn't reply for a long moment. Kurama glanced up at her face, fearful of seeing shock or revulsion there, but he only saw honest thought. He waited for her to speak. "I would say," Shiori finally said slowly, "that you were a very fortunate, if very unconventional, young man."

Kurama found he didn't know what to make of Shiori's answer. "You wouldn't--find it objectionable?"

"No... I don't think I would," Shiori said thoughtfully. "It's certainly--not normal--but then, neither is my son, and that doesn't make him bad." She ruffled his hair again. "It's--I would definitely think about it, Shuichi, as I can tell you're doing, because it seems to me like so much could go wrong. But I think you're blessed to have people who care about you so much. And I think highly of your heart's inclinations. After everything I've seen, after knowing all abut them and seeing the way they interact with you, I wouldn't have had the slightest objection if you'd brought either one of these young men home with you. So I don't quite see how I can object to both."

Kurama tilted his head back to look at her more fully. "Truly?"

"Truly. As long as they make my son happy," Shiori added with a smile. But the smile faded almost immediately, dimming like the lights of a theater, to be replaced by a look of unhappy concern. In a much quieter, serious tone, she said, "I want you to be happy again, Shuichi. I don't--I don't know what happened to you--" She was starting to tear up. "But I do know that you're unhappy, desperately unhappy. And anything--anyone that could help you right now--"

Kurama took her hand without speaking. Shiori returned his grip tightly, and neither of them spoke for several minutes, both of them watching the sun set while Shiori tried to control her tears.

Eventually, Kurama broke the silence. "It's getting dark. You should go back to the temple."

"Shall I help you up?" There was still a note of tears to Shiori's voice, but she was ignoring it, plastering it over with a smile and practicalities.

"No thank you," Kurama replied. "I've been indoors far too much. I'd like to stay out here."

"But Shuichi, you'll have to come in eventually, and you'll need help," Shiori objected gently. "I can't just leave you here."

"Hiei is telepathic," Kurama reminder her. "As long as he's within a few miles of me I can get his attention. And I suspect he's watching anyway--he's been annoyingly conscientious that way."

"You promise me you'll ask him if you need anything?"

"Promise," Kurama replied, smiling slightly at her concern.

Shiori bent to kiss his forehead. "Then I'll leave you to your stargazing. And please, Shuichi, feel free to talk to me like this anytime you want to--I don't want you to still feel like you need to keep secrets from me. By definition a mother's love has no conditions, you know."

Kurama smiled again. "I love you too, mother. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

After Shiori left, Kurama found himself doing what she had suggested and watching what stars coming out he could see through the trees, his mind drifting. Though he wasn't much clearer on what he wanted to do, the conversation with Shiori had made him feel infinitely calmer. Her tolerance, her lack of reproach, made everything seem so much more plausible; it was like every option was accepted now, and he had only to choose his course. Which he didn't feel like doing at the moment. His day had been full and wearying, and he was more than content to simply lie there on his back and not think about anything.

But as the twilight faded and full dark came on, Kurama realized his peaceful solitude was not going to last; nor would he have to get Hiei's attention when he wished to go inside, because both Hiei and Yusuke were headed his way.