Irene's A/N: Happy Sunday readers, and we hope you had a good Thanksgiving weekend!
We split the chapter in two because it was getting massive (it's already massive, and this is only part one!), so there's a scene that might look randomly placed there, but there's a reason for it. Most of the awesomeness in this chapter is brought to you by Nicole, so don't forget to thank her!
Enjoy!
Chapter 12
Meredith takes another shower, cleansing her body of all the blood and vomit. After she finishes rinsing the filth from her body and getting dressed, she finds the main level completely abandoned. She climbs the stairs to find her daughter sitting on her bed playing with a puzzle. Behind her, her grandmother is brushing her hair. Well, attempting to brush her hair.
Zola's face lights up with joy when she sees her mother enter the room.
"Mama!" the little girl cries desperately. "Nana don't know how to do my hair. You gots to show her."
Meredith chuckles, getting lost in her daughter's precious brown eyes, all her worries dissolving as her heart warms. She joins Carolyn and Zola on the bed.
"She's right," Carolyn sighs, shaking her head. "I have absolutely no idea how to do her hair."
Meredith giggles. "Derek had no idea how to, either. One time I was out of town, and one of our co-workers had to show him how."
"Mommy, teach her 'bout my kitchen!" Zola exclaims in a demanding tone. She lays another piece of the puzzle together. It's then that Meredith gets a clear view of the puzzle for the first time. The box sits nearby, revealing the full image of the human body. It's only an eight-piece puzzle set, though it's eight pieces Meredith has never seen. She's certain that she never purchased Zola this puzzle. She watched Zola unwrap all her gifts yesterday, and there hadn't been a puzzle among any of those gifts. Not that she can recall, anyway.
It's not like Zola doesn't have lots of toys, but Meredith is sure that she would have remembered seeing this puzzle before, because she, too, had a similar looking puzzle when she was Zola's age. She doesn't remember what happened to that puzzle, though.
Perhaps Carolyn had found another present when she cleaned the house.
Zola taps her arm, bringing her out of the daze she had entered. "Mama, kitchen."
Meredith nods. "That's right, baby girl. You have a kitchen. Let's teach Grandma about your kitchen, okay?" She combs through Zola's knotted hair, showing her mother-in-law how it's done.
"You're a pro," her mother-in-law compliments.
"Oh, trust me. I'm no natural either," Meredith laughs, pulling Zola's thick curly hair into two perfect even braids. "When Derek and I first started talking about adopting Zola, the first thing I did was look up lots of hairstyling YouTube videos. You would've thought I was a beauty school student, not a surgical resident, had you looked at my Internet history back then." She hugs her daughter, indulging in the moment, never wanting to let her go. She loves her little girl so much.
Her two boys enter the room. Derek still has a cheesy grin on his face and his eyes are sparkling; her stomach turns and her grip on Zola loosens. She exhales hastily, knowing it's only a matter of time before she'll wipe that grin off Derek's face. For now, though, he deserves to enjoy a few more moments of glee. She decides not to tell him about the spotting. She'll wait until they're at the OB.
"This little guy is all bathed and clean smelling," Derek announces, a proud twinkle glitters in his eye when he notices Meredith is sitting on the bed alongside his daughter and his mother. "Are you ready to go?"
"Uh, I am," she feigns a smile for him, pretending as if absolutely nothing is wrong. And maybe there isn't anything wrong, she tells herself, though in her gut, she knows there's a greater chance that something is wrong than it's not. Also, in her gut, she knows it's probably for the best that something is wrong, because tonight Derek will go back to DC and his mother will go with him.
This bliss is destined to be short lived. Tomorrow morning she'll wake up to her two children and have the responsibility of getting them ready all by herself. She won't have have the four extra hands helping out. Maybe Amelia will be here, maybe she won't. Meredith can't predict her sister-in-law's whereabouts, and she'll never ask her to rearrange her schedule to accommodate hers. She has a life she needs to live, too.
Meredith kisses the top of Zola's forehead and slides off the bed. She kisses Bailey's cheek and says, "You both be good for Grandma, okay?"
"I always a good girl!" Zola giggles, giving her grandmother a hug. Carolyn laughs, her eyes glowing as she slides off the bed and takes Bailey from Derek's arms.
"You're sure about this?" Meredith still hesitates at the thought of using Derek's mother as their babysitter; it feels like they're taking advantage of her, and she doesn't want Carolyn to think that. Derek might be okay with taking advantage of his family members for babysitting services, but she is not. "I mean, I don't want you to think that you're here to be our babysitter. If you had other plans…"
"Meredith," Carolyn chuckles. "What other plans could I possibly have? Touring the Space Needle? I came out here to spend some time with my grandbabies. If I want to tour the Space Needle, I'll take Zola and Bailey with me. I raised five children, and I have fourteen other grandchildren, so I know a thing or two about sightseeing with children." She winks in Derek's direction.
"Oh, well, in that case…" Meredith gives in, patting Bailey's back and giving him another kiss, this time on the forehead. "I love you, Bailey and Zola." She blows Zola another kiss.
Bailey babbles some foreign-sounding words, while Zola blows Meredith and Derek a kiss, "I love you, too! Nana, Bay, and I gonna have the bestest of time!" It melts Meredith's heart to see the delight on her little girl's face.
Derek takes Meredith hand and pulls her out the door.
Derek rambles for the majority of the car ride, keeping his left hand firmly on the wheel and his right hand on her knee. He rambles about the silliest things, like how Bailey fell asleep standing up last night, and something about playing make-believe with Zola. He goes on and on about how creative Zola is becoming, and he says something about how she could grow up to be an actress, maybe break the medical field family cycle, which - according to him - isn't necessarily the worst idea.
She just sits there beside him with a feigned smile on her face, nodding along as he rambles, trying to act like nothing is wrong, allowing him to hold onto his happiness for just a little longer.
Meredith finds herself wishing that she could have spent last night with the him and the kids, but at the same time, she knows there's no way she would be as awake as she is right now if he hadn't forced her to lie down, even though she had fought him almost to the brink of her death.
He parks in his reserved spot, the spot that still has his name painted on it Reserved for Derek Shepherd, even though he no longer works at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital. Even though he no longer is the Chief of Neurosurgery. Just like his office is still intact.
Even though Derek lives and works in DC now, pieces of his life remain here in Seattle. She remembers him purposely asking Owen to keep his office and his space, just in case, since his initial contract with the NIH is only three months - they call it his 'trial quarter'. He'd asked for that trial period when he negotiated the new contract with him, and then they would go from there.
He still has two months left in his trial quarter. That's eight weeks. If she isn't miscarrying right now - if she doesn't miscarry by then - she'll be nearing the end of her first trimester when his contract ends. And then what? What if they renew his contract? What if he wants to stay in DC? She knows he'll push to move back to Seattle because of the baby, but she doesn't want that. She doesn't want him to come back to Seattle just because she's knocked up with his baby. Then he'll go right back to resenting her and the kids, just like he did before he took the job.
Her head is spinning as he guides her into the hospital. Fortunately, he's holding onto her, because her thoughts are too muddled to focus on which direction her legs are moving. Her vision is a little blurry, and her temples are throbbing.
"You okay? You're not nauseous again, are you? Do we need to go to the bathroom?" he whispers faintly in her ear. She looks around, noticing that all the nurses in passing seem to be staring at them. It's the first time Derek Shepherd has graced his presence at Grey Sloan in almost a month. Of course they're staring.
"I'm fine," she whispers back, steadying herself as she grabs firmly onto his hand, leaning closer to him. She mutters, "We have an audience."
His eyes widen, scoping the room. It's like they're at the theater and they are the center stage. The spotlight is all on them. "We do."
She just hopes they can make it to OB without anyone they know running into them. Nurses will talk, sure, but it's just hospital gossip. Gossip spreads like a wildfire around this place, and anyone who's ever worked here knows that. But gossip is just gossip. Meredith learned a long time ago not to care what people are saying about her around the nurses' station.
Their moment alone in the elevator is far too brief, though; the door just starts to close when Maggie Pierce dives in between the door and the wall, joining Meredith and Derek for a very awkward ride. Her quirky smile quickly fades when she locks eyes with her elevator companions.
Oh great, Meredith thinks, feeling slightly humiliated, though in a weird way, she's glad that it's just Maggie.
Meredith breaks loose from Derek's secure grip around her waist, distancing herself from her husband by standing in a corner. She sighs, rolling her eyeballs in their sockets, landing her gaze on Maggie. Derek frowns, flashing her a stern Be nice look.
"I, uh, I'm sorry I couldn't stay longer at the party," Maggie suddenly says in a stutter; she looks nervous.
"You were there?" Meredith asks, taken aback, and feeling even more humiliated, mortified by the fact that her sort of half-sister might have caught onto the fact she was locked in a closet time-out with her husband. Or worse. What if she had heard her vomiting? The thought makes Meredith's insides turn. Meredith finds herself backing herself as far into the elevator corner as she can.
"Yeah, Amelia and - Carolyn, right? - said that you two accidentally locked yourselves in the closet upstairs looking for bubbles," Maggie answers. "I got a page, so I had to leave before the kids started breaking open the piñata. I know, bummer, because I love piñatas. I saw you guys coming down the stairs, though. You were running pretty fast…"
Meredith blushes. She glares at Derek, his eyes are wide and filled with curiosity. She wonders if Derek saw Maggie yesterday. If he had, he hadn't said anything about it.
"Uh, yeah. we both had to go to the bathroom. We were locked in there for at least forty minutes. Words of wisdom: Never drink a gallon of water and then accidentally lock yourself in a closet," Meredith forces a smile, glaring at her husband, who is smiling like a complete dork. He still has a happy post-sex twinkle in his eyes, and that makes her insides turn more than the awkward elevator encounter with Maggie Pierce. Luckily, she'd remembered to fill her coat pockets with mints before leaving the house. She's quick to pop one in her mouth, and without thinking, she offers one to Maggie. It's the sisterly thing to do, right?"
"Thanks," Maggie smiles graciously, taking the offered mint. "I always have mints before going into surgery. I don't know why, but the idea of having bad breath while operating terrifies me. Like the patient can smell my breath or something, even though they're under anesthesia. You never know."
"Uh...same." Meredith keeps on putting on a smile for Maggie.
"So...did Zola like the puzzle I got for her?" Maggie asks, unwrapping the mint.
Meredith swallows, noticing the bewilderment in Derek's face. It's clear that he has no idea what Maggie is saying. Meredith smiles weakly, "So that's where that came from."
"What puzzle?" Derek says at almost the exact same time.
"This morning...when your mother and I were doing Zola's hair, she was playing with a puzzle of the human body. I was trying to figure out where it'd come from, because I couldn't remember it being among any of her other gifts, and I hadn't gotten it for her. I'd thought maybe your mother found another gift when she was cleaning the house," Meredith explains to Derek.
"Oh," Derek mouths, still looking a little perplexed.
"I'm sorry I was late. My surgery ran later than expected, and then I didn't know how to get to your house…"
"The directions," Meredith nods glumly, genuinely feeling a little guilty about forgetting to leave directions to the house in Maggie's locker like she'd said she would. She isn't a person to break promises, even when she's not particularly fond of someone. While she doesn't really care what Maggie thinks about her, she doesn't want her sort of half-sister to think she's shady or a compulsive liar, especially when she'd gone out of her way to purchase Zola a present, considering she barely knew Zola and hadn't even known she existed until a few months ago. "I really didn't mean to forget them, I swear. I was overwhelmed yesterday and it slipped my mind…"
"It's no problem. Amelia's directions were great," Maggie assures with a small nod, just as the elevator door dings on the next floor, two floors below OB. Maggie starts to step out. Facing Meredith and Derek, she smiles shortly, "Anyway, I hope Zola likes her puzzle. I had one just like it when I was a kid, and it was my absolute favorite."
"She loves it," Meredith calls after her, but Maggie disappears in a blink of an eye, so Meredith isn't sure if she hears. She soon meets her husband's alluring smile, bewilderment still present in his eyes as he inches closer to her, placing his hand on her shoulder, but she jerks away.
"What was that?" Derek asks inquisitively; she's not sure if he's asking about Maggie or her pulling away from him. She can feel his eyes still studying her, looking like he wants to say something, but he says nothing.
Derek's thoughts scurry all over the place as he and Meredith enter the OB waiting room He watches his wife tentatively, but she keeps her head turned from him. Oh, how he longs to be able to read her mind, know what's going on inside that brilliant yet complicated mind of hers. Though, at the same time, knowing how his wife can be sometimes, he's not sure he really wants inside her head.
From the conversation in the elevator, Derek has gathered that Meredith had actually been the one to invite Maggie to Zola's birthday party. It doesn't make any sense to him. Apparently, things really had changed while he was in DC.
He doesn't have long with Meredith in the waiting room, since a nurse calls her name just moments after they've sat down. Meredith, wearing a dissimulated smile, rushes toward the nurse. Derek takes long, fast strides to keep up with his wife.
The nurse takes Meredith's weight, then leads them into an exam room.
"All right, Meredith. It looks like we're just taking a blood sample here -"
"We'd like to have a sonogram first," Derek blurts out impatiently, interrupting the nurse before she can finish her sentence. Meredith's eyes widen and Derek adds, "She's been experiencing severe morning sickness and nausea this morning and last night."
"Derek!" Meredith snarls.
A tender smile comes on the nurse's smile as she looks at through her file. "Let's see, you're how far along?"
"Around five and a half weeks," Meredith responds before the nurse can find the answer in her files, "and like I told him, morning sickness is normal."
"But it's not just in the morning," Derek adds. "It was last night, too."
"Morning sickness doesn't just happen in the morning, Derek," Meredith retorts, rolling her eyes, flashing her eyes toward the nurse. "Men. They're so literal all the time!"
The nurse laughs. "You're absolutely right. With my first pregnancy, I barely had any nausea at all. I was worried to death because I had barely any symptoms at all in the early months. With my second, I was nauseous almost all the time, at all times of the day. Of course I freaked about that, too," the nurse shares, quickly adding, "And now I have a beautiful little boy and girl."
"Was it worse with your boy or your girl?" Derek asks, genuinely curious even though he knows that gender prediction based on morning sickness is just a myth, at least according to Nancy and Addison.
Every pregnancy is different. Every pregnancy is different, he swallows, repeating that over and over in his head, kindling all hope he has for Meredith to have a healthy pregnancy, and in nine months they will have another bundle of joy.
"My girl," the nurse smiles. She turns to Meredith. "Now, let's…"
"Get an ultrasound," Derek finishes adamantly.
The nurse shakes her head. "Sir, your wife is only five and a half weeks along. We generally don't do ultrasounds this early in the pregnancy, because it's virtually impossible to pick up on fetal movement. That's why we like to wait until eight weeks, when your baby's heartbeat can for sure be picked up on an ultrasound."
"I'm well aware of that. And that's Doctor Shepherd to you. In case you didn't know, my wife and I are partial owners of this hospital. You can get us an ultrasound…"
"Derek!" Meredith hisses. "I have the sonogram image in my locker from yesterday. I can show it to you. There's no point in issuing another sonogram, when all it'll be is the exact same image we have in my locker."
Derek swallows. If she's not miscarrying. He hates that the thought has crossed his mind, but it has, and he knows she's been under ungodly amounts of stress over the past twenty-four hours, mostly because of him. He needs to see their baby for himself. He needs to know that he or she is still safe and secure inside his wife. Yesterday's sonogram can't give him that reassurance. Today's can.
"It's not the same," Derek protests. "Get us an ultrasound, or I'll make sure OB nurses are the first to be cut when we're reviewing which department to cut when we need to make room in the budget..."
He eyes Meredith, noting that she looks scared shitless. He doesn't blame her. Of course she's scared. He's scared, too.
Her husband clearly has instilled fear in the nurse with his threats to cut OB nurses, which Meredith is pretty sure he would never actually successfully do, even if he suggested it. She can't believe his nerve sometimes.
Earlier, she would have agreed with him, that he deserved to see their embryo on the monitor with his own eyes, but now she's not so sure. She's scared. Goosebumps creep up her spine. She recalls the light spots of blood she'd spotted in her panties this morning.
Meredith swallows a coiled, hard lump in her throat, dreading what an ultrasound could reveal, and she'd rather Derek not have to see that on the ultrasound monitor. It's better he find out from the blood test results than on a live ultrasound.
"I-I'll see if I can find a tech, since Dr. Ryan is currently delivering twins," the nurse offers, bolting out of the room with her clipboard in her arms.
Derek is glaring at her. Her heart is pounding fiercely against her chest. She can't think when he's looking at her like that. She's scared out of her mind, scared that she's miscarrying, scared that he'll have to see it first hand, scared of the cramps, the blood, the emotional and physical pain that will follow. All the pain that she remembers so vividly. All of the pain that she had gone through alone. Well, at least she'd had Cristina.
The nurse leaves the room, leaving her alone with her husband. Derek lets out a sigh, sitting down next to her on the exam table. He's been pacing the floor recklessly, and sitting in one of the exam room chairs doesn't seem to be good enough for him. Instead, he sits down next to her, crinkling the paper on the table.
He rests his hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry if it sounded like I was threatening her. I just...I want to know everything, okay?" He lowers his hand to her abdomen, chills sweep up her spine and her stomach churns.
"I know, Derek. I know," she sighs. Sometimes knowing can be worse than not knowing, though. Because once you find out what's really going on, you may never recover. When you don't know, the future is still a blank slate full of a million possibilities. But once you know the truth, the future is set in stone. And you're forced to deal with it, whether you like it or not.
"So," Derek sighs. "Are you going to tell me why you invited Maggie to Zola's birthday?"
The question takes her by surprise, but she's more surprised that he hasn't asked before now, since he was clearly very perplexed in the elevator.
"I thought you would be happy that I invited her. You're the one who's always saying I need to be nice to my family, and whether I like it or not, Maggie is sort of my family now," Meredith points out the inevitable.
His eyes widen with surprise. "I am happy, Meredith. I like Maggie. She's nice, and I'm glad you're getting along with her. I just...wondered what made you change your mind about her?"
"Okay, it's not like we're sitting around a campfire singing Kumbaya any time soon, Derek. It's not that deep," Meredith shrugs in a very matter-of-fact tone.
"I never said…"
"I just...I need all the spares I can get, especially with you in DC," Meredith confides, deciding to leave out the fact that it was his sister Lizzie's words that resonated with her.
"About that…" Derek mumbles just as the nurse returns with an ultrasound technician.
"All right, which one of you am I giving an ultrasound?" the tech smiles, clearly trying to be humorous.
The humor works on Derek, Meredith not so much. A wide smile cracks Derek's face. He smiles gleefully at Meredith as he stands up. Meredith groans in response, and she sighs without enthusiasm, "That would be me."
Derek is giddy and excited, much like Zola was yesterday when she was opening her presents. To him, this baby is a present. Meredith sees that so clearly, and it makes her heart ache so woefully. She wishes she could share Derek's excitement, but she can't. She can't because she's looking at this realistically.
Realistically, this baby has a steep uphill climb, even more of an uphill climb than Bailey had started out with. Her hCG levels were normal with Bailey, and on top of that, she was in a much better place, mentally and physically. She and Derek, despite everything that had happened with the plane crash and losing Mark and Lexie, were in a much better place, at least in their relationship.
The last few months have been a constant battle. She realizes that, and he has to, too.
Another baby won't change that.
And then there's the spotting. The spotting that Derek doesn't even know about.
As a doctor, Meredith knows that spotting doesn't automatically equate to a miscarriage. Spotting can happen for a number of reasons, including sex. She and Derek did have a lot of sex last night and this morning. Even without sex, though, spotting happens in normal, healthy pregnancies.
The fact is, Connie has already told her that her risk of miscarrying sooner rather than later is high, so she can't not suspect the spotting is the start of a miscarriage.
Please don't ask about spotting, Meredith thinks of the nurse, knowing that she may ask her questions. She'll have to tell Connie later, and she knows Derek will want to be there when the blood test results come back. And then he'll know, and he'll be upset that she didn't tell him.
She can't, though.
Just a little longer.
Her uterus is on the monitor, and sure enough, it's still there. The dark blob is still there. Meredith gulps, studying Derek. He's enthralled. His eyes light with a joyful charm. Derek is completely engrossed by the image on the screen, the image of their little baby.
"Well, here's your little miracle," the tech points to the blob that Meredith and Derek are both staring at. "It's still too soon to detect fetal movement, but everything looks normal at this stage."
Meredith breaths shake as she inhales and exhales. Derek grabs her hand, tears of joy twinkle in his eyes. Meredith stares blankly at the round blob on the screen. Has the baby shifted positions since yesterday? Yesterday it was on the right side of the screen; today it's closer to the center. She breathes deeply, a rush of emotions fill inside her. For a moment, she feels happy, happy that the baby is still inside her. But then she feels a pinch in her gut. She's still experienced spotting. What if it's just the beginning? What if it's only a matter of time...
Derek holds her hand, still staring in awe at the screen. The tech prints off the image and hands it to him. Now he can take the sonogram with him to DC. Hopefully, he won't show it to everyone he meets, though. Why would people in DC care if her uterus is occupied?
"All right, once you get dressed, we'll do the blood sample," the nurse tells her. Derek hands her pants to her, which she slides back on.
The tech leaves, and the nurse prepares to draw her blood.
"All right, besides the nausea we talked about, how have you been feeling otherwise? No cramping or heavy bleeding, right?"
Meredith glances at Derek, who's still giddy and in awe from the ultrasound. She shakes her head. "No. I've been a little dizzy, but no cramping and no heavy bleeding."
She's not lying.
"Dizziness is normal. Have you been experiencing heightened senses? Strange cravings?"
"I've barely been able to eat the last day," Meredith laughs, and she remembers the agony in her eyes caused by the mess of psychedelic rainbow decorations, and the nausea caused by the strong tomato scent from the pizza. "And I guess my senses have been a little heightened, yes."
She hasn't really craved anything at all, though. Not since she threw up last night. Maybe it's because she's afraid everything she eats will end up in the toilet, just like the pizza and pancakes.
"Sounds like normal pregnancy symptoms to me. And symptoms are better than no symptoms," the nurse tells her, smiling warmly as she pokes the needle into Meredith's vein.
Meredith swallows.
Derek feels relieved, though he can tell from Meredith's tense facial expressions that she doesn't. Everything she's been experiencing is normal, just like the nurse told her. He finds himself smiling like a dork at the sonogram image. Their baby is just a little blob, but he or she is there. Right in front of his eyes. Thriving inside its mother's womb. Inside Meredith's womb.
He feels all warm and gooey inside. Derek doesn't know how he can go back to DC now, but clearly she's planning on him going back. She keeps bringing it up. When you go back to DC, then she dodges the topic whenever he tries to tell her that he doesn't want to go back, or the ultrasound tech comes in and interrupts him before he gets the chance to tell her.
Truthfully, he doesn't know how to tell her, because he knows she'll think it's because of the baby. And it's not. He's not coming back just for the baby. He's coming back for her. He wants her and the kids. All of their present and future kids. He wants to see her grow swollen with his child again, be there to rub Meredith's back when it's sore, and to calm the baby down with his voice when he or she is kicking up a storm, like he had with Bailey. She shouldn't have to go through this alone, and she shouldn't have to raise their children on her own, either. They're his kids, too.
She doesn't get it, though. She is his everything. Not the President of the United States. He didn't even want the job in the first place, especially not after she said she didn't want to move to DC with him. She pushed him to take it, and here they are now.
They're expecting a third child, and somehow she expects him to pack up and go back to DC like it's no big deal
It's not that he doesn't love brain mapping. He does. It's fascinating, enthralling actually, and he remembers being miserable after he gave up the job the first time around. That was before he'd gotten to taste the job, and he was left wondering what could have been. He's been to DC now. He's tasted it. After one day on the job, he could see everything so clearly.
Working on the BRAIN Initiative is amazing. But it's not all it's cooked up to be. The project is still years from success. The program is in its infancy. Zola will be a teenager by the time they're seeing actual results, if they see them at all.
A teenager.
And then he'll have missed the best years of his kids' lives. He can't begin to fathom that.
The BRAIN Initiative is a huge international project, and he has the capacity to change the way the world thinks. He has the ability to cure not just one disease, but hundreds, if not thousands, of diseases. The focus is so broad, though, and he feels like that can hinder the success of the program.
He's only one person. They can do without him.
The nurse tells them that the blood test results should be back in a few hours, and Dr. Ryan will have them paged when they're in. Then they'll know more. They'll know if her hCG levels have increased.
He leaves with Meredith feeling optimistic. Their baby might be fine after all. All this worrying, it might be for nothing.
Meredith doesn't look optimistic, though. She looks scared as hell, and he doesn't blame her. Knowing she's scared, though, overrides his optimism. All of his worries come toppling back in full force.
He follows her into the lounge, where she changes into her scrubs.
"You should go home and play with the kids," she tells him firmly. "They miss you, and who knows when they'll see you again."
There she goes again.
"Meredith…" Derek stumbles for the right words to tell her that he doesn't want to go back to DC, that he wants to stay here in Seattle with her and the kids. "I…"
"I have to get to work. Go play with the kids," she says, barging out of the lounge, and he storms after her.
Sofia has Mark's nose.
The realization doesn't stop from pounding in Carolyn's head over and over and over as she watches Zola and Sofia build a tower of blocks on the carpeted floor of the hospital daycare.
Zola got bored of all her new toys after a few hours so Carolyn decided to take the kids to the hospital after Bailey's nap, also with the hope of running into Amelia and talking to her. That, and it gave one more reason to bond with Sofia, give her some good grandmothering. Mark might be gone, but pieces of him are part of Sofia, and she has seen it clearly the day before at the party, especially in the way Zola and Sofia got along.
She often wondered what would Derek and Mark's relationship be like if they were girls and a lot less physical and stubborn, and here she has the proof. Okay, Zola and Sofia are stubborn as much as their fathers, but they have a beautiful relationship already, a lifelong friendship, that Carolyn wants to nurture as much as she can.
"Nana, look at the tower!" Zola shrieks, turning around with a wide smile. The excitement from the party is still there, and Carolyn revels in it.
"Oh, you girls are doing an amazing job with it!"
"Should it be taller, Nana?" Sofia asks, and Carolyn is sure her heart stops for a moment. Or maybe it skips those two or three beats that make her breathless.
"Maybe you can make a tower as tall as you are, but you need to be careful," she replies, when she finally finds her voice again.
Some smiles Sofia gives her remind her of Mark, or the way she flicks her hair back with her hand; maybe even the way she studies the tower and the expression on her face are very much like Mark's.
Her heart is so full.
"Nana, you can go see Auntie Amy, we won't make a mess here." Zola grins, mischief in her eyes. She knows a thing or two about little girls, and she's sure these two have lots of secrets to share.
"Alright, be good girls, okay?"
"We'll be good, Nana," they reply in unison, Carolyn's smile widening.
"Oh and, Sofia," she bends a little next to the girls, looking at Sofia in the eyes, dark like Callie's, but sparkling like Mark's. "I will tell your mommies that they can call me anytime with Skype like Zola does, so we can see each other when I'm back in New York, okay?"
"Oh Nana, can we see you when we're playing together?" Zola begs, almost fluttering her eyelashes. This is definitely the trick that breaks Derek, she has seen Amy do it a million times to him when she was Zola's age, and he always ended up in a tiara playing dress-up.
"The three of us can have a playdate together, we can share some tea and some giggles."
The girls giggle indeed, as Carolyn kisses both of them on the top of their heads, then she leaves the room, thinking of all the possible places she might run into her daughter.
Her son owns a pretty big hospital, that's for sure.
Meredith manages to escape from him and one more argument, scurrying in the direction of the ER, where the sounds of a siren call for her like a beacon. Derek wishes she didn't need the distraction, he wishes she could just relish the fact that they have just seen their baby, very small and very alive. It's the only thing he can see whenever he looks at her.
He feels the pleasant weight of the sonogram picture in his pants' pocket, a weight he wouldn't trade for anything. But apparently, Meredith wants to work and ignore the issue. They're good at avoiding and postponing.
"What do we have?" Meredith asks the paramedics as they roll in the gurney, Derek hot on her heels.
"Thirty-seven year old male, head-on collision, he wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Crush injuries to the lower abdomen, chest and deep head lac," the paramedic explains, in her eyes the same disbelief whenever a patient comes in because he wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
"What do you think you're doing?" Derek exclaims, jogging next to her towards the trauma room.
"Saving a life?"
She rolls her eyes at him, and he has no idea what to think of it. He just knows that he can't let her out of his sight. He pulls a yellow gown over his clothes, some gloves, and then starts examining the patient's head.
"I need an Abdominal CT, STAT," Meredith says as she tries to patch up the guy's lacerated abdomen the best she can.
"Head CT too," he orders, then the door opens and Amelia enters the trauma room.
She stares him down for a long second, her eyes filled with questions, then she proceeds to push him aside and check the head wound herself.
"Amelia, I have it under control," he grumbles, taken aback by his little sister's force.
"Derek, I was paged." Her eyes are stony blue, her stance unwavering.
"Derek, you're not on duty, go spend time with the kids and your mom," Meredith adds, and some of the anger he was able to bury in the morning starts to resurface.
"I can't just sit there and wait for the results, alright? I need to do something." He knows he sounds desperate, because he feels a little desperate. He doesn't want to lose a minute with Meredith until he has to leave, he can't just let her go into surgery and miss hours of her. They need to talk about the baby and the results and how beautiful their little embryo is.
"Then go suture in the pit, this is my patient," Amelia orders, turning her back to him as they move the gurney again to get the scans.
He lets Meredith go, but grabs Amelia's wrist, stopping her from following the patient. She looks livid, as she jerks her hand out of his grasp.
"Are you out of your mind? Did all the sex kill your remaining neurons? I have to go see the scans," Amelia says, then she tries to escape from him .
"Amy, please, I need to be on this case." He resorts to begging, and calling her Amy, but she's still looking at him like he had grown two heads on each side of the one he already has.
"Derek, this is stupid, go play with the kids, I'd gladly do that myself instead of treating this guy. Half of his brain is on the table…"
"So go, go play with the kids." He knows she likes the fact that half of the guy's brain is on the table, as a neurosurgeon, the sight excites him too. He's not stealing the surgery because it's cool, he's trying to steal it because he needs to be there.
Amelia doesn't relent though, she makes a move to leave again, ignoring him, but he stops her once more. "Please, Amelia."
"Oh Jesus almighty, Derek! They want to play with you, not with me. They have seen me for the past month, unlike their father. You need to go play with your kids!"
"Look, she's pregnant!" he hisses, trying not to attract the attention of any passer-bys. "I need to keep an eye on her."
"Wow, Bailey's pregnancy must have been hell for her," Amelia rolls her eyes, this time escaping from him and hurrying down the corridor. Derek's legs are longer though, and he catches up with her in a few strides.
"She might miscarry. Her uterus is unstable and her hCG levels are low and…"
"That doesn't mean you need to stalk her around the hospital on your day off," she snaps, quickening her steps.
"Look, Amelia, I don't care what you can do to me, leave. Leave now. This is my case."
Amelia looks stunned for a moment, taken aback by his words, and he feels bad. He feels so bad for pulling the big brother status on her, for raising his voice and being mean, but he needs to be close to Meredith. He needs to keep an eye on her, give her breaks when she needs them, quell the nausea with a mint when it looks like she's about to puke...Amelia doesn't know about the peppermint, she doesn't know Meredith's puke-face. He needs to be there. The need is more visceral than the need he had this morning to be buried inside of Meredith again. He needs to protect her with the same stubbornness he protects his children.
"Hunt is going to hear about this." Amelia slams the door of the stairwell in his face as she trudges away, fuming. Part of him feels bad for doing this, but his head is at peace, he can breathe easily.
He jogs up the stairs to the viewing room, meeting Meredith and the CT tech in there, already sitting down and starting with the scans. She looks genuinely surprised to see him close the sliding door.
"What are you doing here?" she frowns, barely glancing at him. "Where is Amelia?"
"She was paged," he lies, and Meredith sees right through him. She glares at him, eying the tech, and he knows he's not completely off the hook. Heck, he still feels like he's hanging with his feet dangling a foot above ground, but he can't help it. Now that they are in the same room the weight on his chest is not as heavy and oppressing as it was before.
He needs to see those blood results, hear Dr. Ryan tell them that her hCG has doubled, that their baby is going to be okay and grow safe and sound. The sonogram looks good, their baby looks so beautiful already, but it needs to be healthy too.
"His abdomen is a mess," Meredith whispers, requesting one more scan before they move to the head scans. And those don't look promising either.
"We need to get him into surgery immediately," he sighs, studying the extensive bleed. This guy is going to be very lucky if he even wakes up.
For once, Meredith agrees with him.
Nicole's A/N: And the roller coaster begins…. I don't have much else to say. Buckle up!