I'm beginning to think that Jack might be just a little bit psychic. Last night he came back without the slug picture, but not empty-handed. A glass of single-malt Scotch in each hand, his hair just a little tousled, that small smirk on his lips and a glint in his eyes, I've never seen him look more attractive. Also beginning to think that Jack plans on systematically developing my appreciation for every room in the hub.

Weevil hunting with Jack tonight!

Only one weevil last night, but I don't think either of us were really looking that hard.

Tosh has put up some tinsel and has started talking about a Christmas gift exchange again. To quote the immortal Douglas Adams, "Oh no, not again."

My new car is ready to be picked-up. Jack said I could take a long lunch today to go and get it. Said that there aren't any car dealers open late enough for me to pick it up on the way home. He seems to think that I work too many hours. He should talk.

Jack went with me to get the car. The dealer tried to say there was an additional service charge. Jack had a quiet word with the man. The charge has been waived. Can't decide how to feel about that. Nice that Jack wanted to stand-up for me, not so nice that he felt the need to. Went for a little test-drive with Jack and the Audi. He said it was nice, but a little underpowered, that it wouldn't be much good in a chase. I headed out of town and opened it up. Jack said he took it back, great car. Very long lunch.

The whole thing with Eugene and his Dogon 6th eye has made me realize we need to monitor EBay a little more closely. Tosh says she can whip-up a monitoring program quite easily; I just need to think of some key words to use in the search. (Alien –Sigourney?)

All this time, Jack really had no idea that I would ever consider joining their basketball games, let alone want to. We were in the middle of the hub, discussing the quarterly reports. Jack was rolling the ball around with his foot. He mentioned Owen's jump shot in passing, not really sure why. Must've made a face or something, 'cause Jack asked what was wrong. When it was clear he wouldn't let it go, I admitted that I'd always felt a bit left out. He said that he, they all really, had always just assumed I wasn't interested. They never meant to exclude me. I picked-up the ball and asked him since when did an apparent lack of interest from anyone ever stop him. I think he conceded that point. In any case, I told him that I'm a man of many skills, not to be underestimated. (He said he knew.) I couldn't help it, as I started to walk away I tossed the ball over my shoulder and said, "Nothing but net." And it was! I couldn't have made that shot for a million pounds, but there in the middle of the hub with Jack watching! A cheer went up from the conference room. I hadn't noticed, but the entire team had been standing there watching as well. It was the perfect start to the day. Having said that, I wonder what catastrophe will befall me to make-up for it. Come whatever may, it was worth those few seconds.

Looking again at the reports, there are just too many missing persons in the Cardiff area. Don't really see another explanation other than the rift. I know Jack implied that I should drop it, that it's already been checked and found unrelated, but can't help but think it's connected to those negative rift spikes. Maybe whoever checked it out before missed something. But why should I be able to figure out something that all of Torchwood 3 before me couldn't? They're probably right and it's nothing after all. Owen just walked past and told me I'm a basketball god and that he's picking me for his team.

Glad I didn't give-up on the missing persons/negative spike connection, 'cause I've found it. I spent the afternoon cross-referencing, and all but 12.3 of the reported missing correspond to a negative spike. That can't be a coincidence. This evening I should be able to start on a preliminary report for Jack.

Jake over at the airport just called. Says a flight's coming in that we might be interested in. Jack's taken Owen and Gwen to check on it.

Well, the flight Jake called about was interesting after all. Plane with three people claiming it's 1953. I was in the file room when they were brought in, but Jack introduced them as they were leaving for the safe-house. The younger girl, Emma, asked me what I do for the team. I still don't really know how to answer that. Didn't have to, Jack stepped in with, 'Ianto does just about everything for the team… and he does a lot for me as well.' The older one, Diane, was the only one who seemed to guess what Jack meant. Right now what I'm doing for the team is going down to help Tosh put-up the official Torchwood Christmas tree.

I should have realized. In all the time that Torchwood has been here, sitting on top of the rift, no way I could have been the first to see the connection. While Tosh has only recently fine-tuned the rift monitor close enough to clearly show the negative dip, someone had to have noticed before now. In the files there are indicators that they did. Torchwood has known that the rift takes people. Does Jack know? He must, but he couldn't. If he knew, we'd be doing something about it. Now I'm not sure what to do. I think I've discovered something I'm not meant to know.

Jack's asked that I work-up new identities and documents for our guests from '53. He wants new names for each. I still don't see why, new documents with new birthdates would do. They've got enough to adjust to, new clothes, new technology, new music, even money has changed since they stepped onto that plane. It's a different world; they shouldn't have to be different people. Jack was insistent, though. When he's in one of these moods, "Why?" isn't the best question to ask him. I almost gave them all the last name of Jones, though. Just to be a bit impertinent. Even played with making them Joe, Jo and Josie Jones. Then I thought better not.

Now Jack tells me they'll be keeping their names after all. Is he getting back at me for something?

Helped Tosh put garland and lights up the staircase. She's not giving-up on the gift exchange. I told her I would, if Owen does. Figured he'd be the last to give in. Figured wrong. Tosh says Owen's already said yes. Brilliant.

Jack asked me to show Emma, Diane and John how to go shopping later this afternoon. Tried to flatter me, saying I'm the best at the shops and all. Afternoon shopping, near Christmas, is he insane?

Tosh called-up. Wants me to come down so we can draw names for the gift exchange. Why is there never a weevil attack when you need one?

Christmas time at Torchwood again. After weeks of pestering for it, Tosh is upset over the gift exchange. Apparently she was hoping to draw Owen's name, because now she doesn't want to participate. I know she didn't draw Owen, because lucky me, I did. Maybe I'll get him a pack of disposable coffee cups. (Although I haven't seen the biological experiment mug in a few days, Owen seems distracted.)

The shops weren't as crowded as I feared they'd be. Emma had a blast. She spent all of her allowance and she owes me a fiver. Less than 48 hours in the 21st century and she's already in debt. I think she'll fit in just fine. Diane was fascinated by the technology, but worries that she's too far out of touch. It'll be harder for her, but she should be okay. John… not so sure. He seems a bit too judgmental to adapt. The look on his face when he saw that magazine… (hey… an idea what to get Owen for Christmas!) It's gonna be harder for John, a little too set in his ways. Dropped him off at Millennium Stadium. Maybe we could get him tickets to a match, something to look forward to. I'll talk to Jack. I took the ladies back to the safe house. Showed them the microwave and television remote. Not sure they quite understood, but on the way out I ran into Jade and Alesha. We had a good long chat on the front steps and I asked them to keep an eye on the ladies. Jade kept teasing me about the Audi, wants to go for a drive. Alesha says they're taking me out drinking on Christmas if I don't already have plans. She reminded me for what must've been the tenth time, that they've both turned 18.

Diane called, asking about tea bags. I told her not to be seduced. Tea bags are the bane of modern society. Just you watch, they will be the downfall of modern man. Owen came by and wanted to talk to her, so I turned her over to him and went back down to the file room.

Last night John had a bit of a fight with Emma. The girls gave me a call to check that she's okay. Apparently she went home with Gwen. Diane had been picked-up by Owen last night and hadn't come home either. Asked if the girls were okay in the house with John. Jade assured me that he wouldn't bother them. She told me, 'He'd yelled at Alesha for giving Emma a beer, and grabbed her arm. Alesha yelled back and did that defensive thing you showed us last week. She knocked him on his ass!... Sorry, Ianto… knocked him on his butt. He won't be telling us what to do again.' I've never been so proud of my girls.

Owen just called and asked about my skin care regimen. For some reason he was a little defensive of the number of products he uses. Did he draw my name for the exchange? Then again, he went on to ask how you can guess a woman's size without asking her. I really hope he didn't draw my name.

Tosh was so upset that she didn't draw Owen; I agreed to swap with her, sight unseen. What could be more problematic than finding a gift for Owen? Finding one for Jack. Brilliant. I really need to know if the exchange will be public or private.

I'm sure now that the rift takes people. Stranger yet, I've found coding in the files, coding for people who were taken, but returned. Sometimes, somehow, they come back. Haven't broken the entire coding yet, and I'm not sure I would, or should, even try. One question I keep coming back to… where are they now? There are pictures; most of those returned couldn't integrate back, not without questions (or lots of running and screaming.) They're not in the vaults, but they must be somewhere.

Jack and Gwen were whispering in the hallway. Gwen up against the wall, Jack was leaning in towards her with one arm on the wall. Sure I heard my name in the middle of it. As I got nearer they both stood up and started talking loudly of the rift and weevils. They both smiled at me as I passed. I smile, but no eye contact. Am I jealous? Or self-conscious?

Owen asked me where someone (not him) could take someone (no one I know) on a romantic evening, something different. I suggested under the stars, alone, with a view. Oh, and music… for dancing. Slow dancing. Owen's been so different lately. He seems happy for a change. Is it Gwen? Did they work-out whatever they were fighting over? But again, Gwen hasn't been around much lately. Tosh? Wouldn't that be brilliant? He's drawn her name and he's planning to take her out… no, it's not Tosh, and not even Gwen. It's Diane. The way he sits up at the mention of her name… Poor Tosh, she's been overlooked again. And she's so excited about the gift exchange with him. She was telling me some of the ideas she's been considering for a while, ideas she can't afford.

I went and talked with Jeffrey at City Hall. (Haven't seen him since the wedding. He says Kathy's doing well and so's the baby. She's going back to reporting after New Year's.) We found records of the property ownership of Flat Holm Island. Torchwood ownership. Well, technically H.C. Clements owns it. Same thing.

I should have stopped, but I didn't. I needed to know what Jack knew. So I went. There are actually regular boat tours that go to Flat Holm Island. The tour doesn't include the underground bunker. My Torchwood scan card got me in. I understand now, why they're there. They're not hidden away so much as kept safe. Each one of them had their life stolen by the rift and there isn't a thing we can do. I sat in the lighthouse and cried until the last tour boat came.

Is there a little white pill in my future? Jack's going to retcon me for this, for sure. How much is he going to take? Just this, these few days? Or am I to wake-up back in London? I can't loose this. I can't go back.

I've finished the report. I've included details on the rift spikes, the missing persons, the island, everything I've discovered, every step I took. Recon it's just cause for retcon, or worse. But I have to tell him. I won't hide it. I won't pretend I don't know. I'm through hiding things, especially from him. Did that once before and it nearly killed me (in more ways than one.) I've left the report on Jack's desk and have spent the past hour praying he doesn't retcon me.

Everyone else has gone for the night. As they left through the Tourist Office, no one said anything about it or stopped longer than usual. No one hugged me goodbye. Whatever Jack is planning, he's keeping it to himself. I've ordered pizza. When it's delivered, it'll be my reason for going down and seeing if I'll still have a job, if I'll still have my memory. And Jack.

The pizza arrived. Still can't bring myself to exchange more than the most basic civilities with the delivery girl, not after Annie. No use putting it off. Cold pizza won't help.

Last night I took the pizza down to the hub. Jack was nowhere to be seen, neither was my report. Brief rush of worry. (But at least he wasn't in the armory.) So there I stood at the entrance to the hub, pizza box in hand. Still don't know where he came from, but suddenly he was behind me asking, 'Looking for me?' I showed him the pizza and he said, 'Perfect. In my office?' We sat. We ate pizza. Jack talked. I waited. Started to think that maybe he hadn't seen my report yet, that he certainly hadn't read it. Then he said, out of the blue, that he'd always thought Flat Holm was one word, but he'd checked on it and that of course I was right. It took a minute before I could swallow the bit of pizza and ask, "So you've read it then?" Jack said yes and took a bite of pizza large enough to choke a horse. I waited. Without swallowing, he said, 'I thought I'd told you it was just a background radioactivity counter-reaction to the prevailing weather patterns.' Maintain eye contact, "Something like that." He finally swallowed, 'You didn't let it go.' I told him, "No, I didn't." 'Didn't like my background radiation thingy? Not impressive enough?' Eye contact and smile. "It was more the prevailing weather patterns Sir, that did it in." I waited for the end to come, but instead Jack just laughed. Instead, Jack was impressed with my investigation and my report. Instead, he asked me what I thought of the whole situation. I asked if Tosh had been able to do anything about predicting the negative spikes. Jack said Tosh didn't know about any of it, nor did Owen or Gwen. He said that since he had started the refuge, only Suzie had ever questioned the missing persons/rift connection and even she hadn't been able to figure it all out, let alone find the hospital. I asked him outright if he was going to retcon me. He looked at me with that mock-seriousness and asked, 'Why? Do you want me to?' I said that I fully realized his background radiation 'thingy' meant to drop it, but I hadn't. Jack told me that I'd read him right, he did mean to drop it. Then he said that if he didn't want inquisitive, intelligent staff, he just wouldn't hire them in the first place. But in the future, if he really wants me to 'drop it' he'd be sure to make it clear. Then he asked if I wanted to go out for some dessert.

Now it's the morning of the 23rd and Gwen wants me to do something for the occupants of the vaults. Something for Christmas. Somehow I get the feeling that weevils don't celebrate the season. Maybe they'd like some eggnog.

All the cars in the parking lot and it's my new car he has to take. What did he do, hunt out the new car smell? He'd better not scratch it! Jack's run a tracer on the Audi and has gone to check on John, and get my car back. By the way, when did Jack lo-jack me?

Have had to go and remove all the tinsel Gwen put up in the vaults, it was driving the weevils mad. The little blue hamsters had gotten hold of a piece of it and were trying to eat it. I'm not sure, but I think they're trying to communicate with me (the hamsters, not the weevils.)

Christmas Eve and Jack's so quiet. John killed himself last night and Jack couldn't stop it. I think maybe Jack wouldn't stop it. When he's ready, I'll be there to listen.

Gift exchange. Owen's mad that he had to come in today without an alien threat to eradicate. Doesn't want to talk about it. Things with Diane must be going badly. He just stomps around saying 'Merry friggin Christmas.' Tosh is… no other word for it… giddy. She's told me what Jack and Gwen were whispering about in the hallway the other day. Jack had drawn Tosh's name in the exchange and was campaigning to switch with Gwen's draw. I asked her why, who had Gwen drawn? 'You, silly! Jack wanted your name but Gwen had already bought your gift. He wouldn't give up. Offered her three days off if she'd switch! I think maybe he likes you, Ianto. Want to borrow my mistletoe?' I told her I'd think about it. I'm just mixing-up the eggnog before we open gifts.

Jack's still a little down, but he's putting-on a false front and no one else seems to have noticed. He's downed quite a bit of the eggnog and wanted to be first to open his gift. Flooded with regret at an impulse purchase (fueled by Emma's enthusiastic urging at the shops,) I handed Jack the package. At least it was wrapped nicely. But really, who would want a set of braces with little Welsh dragons all over them? Apparently Jack. He switched into them straight away and gave me a hug that nearly suffocated me. And I've still got his real gift, the one for the not-so-public exchange. Seems like Jack had the same idea. He's given me a lovely silk tie, but under the tie, in the bottom of the box is a note saying that there's more, but for later, in private. Tosh is so sweet. Why can't she find someone…nice, and just give up on Owen? He's such an insensitive lout. After all the name-trading, Owen and Tosh ended-up with each other's names. Tosh bought him a set of antique medical books he's been talking about as long as I've known him. They must've cost her a fortune, well more than she could afford. Owen got her… nothing. Said he'd forgotten. I knew he would. For a fortnight no one's existed for Owen but Diane and now she's apparently gone. I knew Owen would forget whoever he had in the exchange. As I had Jack's name, it had to be me or Gwen or Tosh. Couldn't stand the thought of one of them left disappointed, so I brought a spare gift. Handed it to Owen, saying, "Yup, forgot it on the counter in the Tourist Office. Brought it down for you." Owen actually said, 'Thanks, mate.' And gave it to Tosh. She read the tag and smiled. Owen looked at me as if to say 'What's it say?' I just smiled. She opened it and did what can only be described as a little happy-dance and hugged Owen. I still haven't told him what he got her. Suppose I should before Tosh figures out that he really had forgotten. Maybe it was the wrong thing. Maybe it would be better to let her be disappointed in him, but I couldn't stand the thought of Tosh broken-hearted for Christmas. Anyway, that pretty-well was the end of the exchange. After all the switching and swapping, Gwen had her own name. But she had the rest of the weekend off and left, wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. She went home to spend Christmas with Rhys and Emma. As Owen was heading off (to where, he wouldn't say) he at least offered Tosh a ride to her train (Christmas with her family) and that left Jack and I alone again. He's down checking on the vault occupants. He must plan on being alone. I want to ask him to spend Christmas with me, but figure he'll just say no.

Christmas day

Last night Jack didn't say no. In fact, he asked me to spend Christmas with him, before I had the chance (worked-up the nerve) to ask him. He really actually looked disappointed when I said that I couldn't stay in the hub, that I already had plans. Jack pouts. Rather adorable. Then I think he got a little jealous, started asking about my 'plans.' Who they were with and the like. 'Bout half a second, I thought about teasing, saying I was spending Christmas with a couple of 18 year-olds, but I couldn't do it. Instead, I told him that Jade and Alesha had never had a proper family Christmas with a tree and gifts and dinner and all. I was seeing to it that this year, they would. I also said that I was hoping I could talk him into coming too. Didn't take much talking. Now it's about 6 in the morning and the tea is brewing. Jack's making loud noises, hoping that the girls will wake-up and come down. He can be such a little boy. He wants to get started opening presents.

Jade and Alesha never got around to getting hammered, like they'd planned. I was a bit worried that things would get a bit dicey, us all sitting around all day, two young girls, Jack and myself. I'd planned it out, and then prayed it would all go to plan. Stockings and presents for everyone (really glad Jack said yes, don't know what I'd have done with his, otherwise.) Jade and Alesha had even gotten me gifts (almost cried- Jade knitted me a vest!) We all sat around and talked, about everything and anything. Jack was as charming as usual. When it came time to cook, we all moved into the kitchen and kept the conversation going, all day. We even played Scrabble and no one complained. Its usually just the choir and carols and the like, but when I suggested we go to Christmas services, I expected moans, excuses and rolling of the eyes (and a similar response from the girls.) Instead, everyone was up for it. I suspect that Jack just went along for my benefit (all his talk of the randomness of existence and all.) Still, everyone really seemed to have a good time, especially Jack. That man can sing. No, really! He was smiling and humming "God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen" and he held my hand on the way back to the car.

Later, when the girls headed off to bed, Jack and I were left alone with the Christmas tree lights. There we exchanged the gifts we'd brought each other, the ones not for public exchange. My heart raced, what if he didn't like it? I'd finally settled on the gold chain and fob for his pocket watch from that antique store in the arcade, A Stitch in Time. I'd gone back and the creepy little man wasn't there this time, so I bought it. What if Jack didn't like it as much as the dragon braces? But he did like it. He loved it. He kissed me so hard I think he may have bruised my lips (not that I'm complaining!) I'll admit I was a little concerned at the idea of a present Jack felt best reserved for private exchange. When Jack brought a small box with a bright gold bow, from its hiding place in the branches of the tree, I had steeled myself, counted myself ready for anything. For what was inside, I wasn't ready. It was quite simply the most beautiful, classic gold wristwatch. I caught myself just staring at it before I looked at Jack. He was watching me, a slightly nervous tilt to his smile, 'Like it?' I could only nod. 'Turn it over.' There, inscribed on the back were words that made my heart leap:

Ianto- You make me want to be worthy of you