Nick couldn't move. He could feel his blood pulsing through his veins at an abnormal rate, his head felt heavy and throbbing. He wanted to step forward, to chase her but he was too afraid. He was a coward, and he hated himself for it.
What made if move even an inch was the low, quiet chuckle that escaped Russell's mouth. Nick's arm went up, grabbing the fancy man by the scruff of his collar. Nick knew he wasn't a violent person; sure he was angry but he'd never really hit anybody in his life. But being a bartender, he knew how to make someone afraid and his seemed the right thing to do to him at the time. Russell was pushed against the wall, not bothering to fight back; instead he put his hands up in surrender, the same bored look on his face. Man, did Nick ant to make it gone.
"Are you happy?" Nick spat at Russell.
"What do you mean Nick?" His monotone voice made Nick even madder "Put me down."
"She's crying because of you. Are you proud of yourself?"
"I think you'll find she's crying because of you Nick. Why write it if you weren't prepared to face the consequences?"
"I didn't…" Nick gave Russell a little shove, letting him go. He knew it was his fault, but Russell could have found a much better way of phrasing the explanation. "I wasn't thinking. I thought that's what she wanted…"
"But it's not what you want is it? Dating?" Russell raised his eyebrows. Nick knew he was purposely trying to make him angry, and it was working tremendously. He'd only come over to ask Jess to dance to get back at him for laughing at his date. Nick knew Russell had noticed, but he didn't think he'd lower to hurting Jess to get back at him.
"Yes. No. How would I know? It's complicated with her. I mean…its Jess."
"Tell me about it." Russell was trying to remind Nick that he'd also dated her. Nick had been jealous of Russell right from when he'd started dating Jess, he was everything Nick wasn't. Even now, Russell represented everything that Nick could never give Jess. Money, a good home, a secure life. Even his calm, sophisticated manner was something Nick would never have. And Jess deserved these things.
"I need to talk to her."
"Maybe she'll be up for a fling." That was it. Nick lunged at him quickly, his hand making contact with the side of Russells face. It hurt like high hell and Nick retreated his hand back into his chest, cursing under his breath. Russell recovered quickly, touching the side of his face delicately, like it was sore. Nick hoped it left a bruise and he had some super important business meeting to attend soon, when it was all green and swollen.
"She is not that kind of girl. If you knew her at all, you'd know that. Have a nice evening." Nick said the end sarcastically before running out into the car park. Jess was by the side of the car, and Nick now realised he had had the keys. He was glad because otherwise she would have been gone. He tapped on the window, shaking the keys next to it to try and lure her out. She was crying and her eyes looked even bigger and glistened with the tears. Her mascara had smudged and Nick thought she looked absolutely beautiful. He gestured for her to come out but she shook her head. He moved a couple of steps away from the car still holding up the keys. She got out of the car, slamming the door behind her.
"Give me back my keys Nick. I want to go back to the loft."
"No. Not before we talk."
"There's nothing to talk about Nick!"
"Oh, there's a ton to talk about Jess. Please, get the ball rolling."
"How could you? How dare you even write that for Russell to read? If that what you thought this was, what you thought I wanted? Do you even know me at all? I mean, we've lived together for over 2 years now, and you still pull this kind of crap on me? I thought you liked me, I thought we had something. But obviously I was wrong." She shook her head and wiped away a few tears "Clearly I was just deluded to think that we could have anything more than just casual sex. That's what you seemed to have wanted with all those other girl, why should I be any different?"
"Jess." Nick's voice cracked a little. Russell had really got to him, he was watching this beautiful girl, his best friend cry her eyes out and it was his fault. He felt like the worst person the world.
"See and you can't even tell me how you feel at all! You just try to find away from anything that's anything near feelings. I have spent two years with you and I still don't know anything about you because you never share. What's your favourite colour? Animal? Fruit? Biggest fear? If I don't even know tiny, meaningless things about you then how am I supposed to know you or have any kind of relationship with you? Fling or otherwise." She sniffed angry, still trying to wipe her eyes. Nick took a deep breath.
"My favourite colour is the same colour as your eyes, my favourite animal is a turtle and I wanted to name it Jess because I love that name, my favourite fruit is an orange because I like the fact it doesn't have some fancy name like pomegranate or guava, it's simple, it's just called orange. And my biggest fear is that I'll never be good enough for anyone, especially you. I'm so useless with money and relationships and jobs and I was never good enough for my dad or my family. I was never enough to make him stay or to replace him when he was gone. As soon as Schmidt became thin and successful I was just his rubbish friend and I was sure he'd leave me. Winston was the same. I'll 'm a never be good enough at relationships Jess, I'm a mess and you know that. I'll do something stupid to ruin anything we have and that's the reason I wrote fling, because I'm not good enough, unlike Russell or Sam, to have anything more. I can't give you want you want, let alone what you need. I'm not healthy; I couldn't take care of you at all. And I want to, I want to be able to come home to you after a day at my well-paid job and for you to look at me like I've made everything better just by walking into the room or something because I'm successful. You deserve someone who you can raise your kids with and send them to a private school, and they can have a puppy and a cat and a fish and a dog. I want you to be able to cook biscuits for your husband and cuddle on the couch late at night while the kids slept, talking about your day and your feelings. But I can't give you that; I can never give you that." Nick breathed again. He hadn't meant to say all that.
"But I don't want all that." Jess said quietly.
"Then what do you want Jess, because I don't know. I've been trying to figure it out since that dam True American kiss, but tell me what you want!"
"I want you." She simply said and Nick's heart skipped a beat.
"Me?"
"Yes you, you clown. I want to come home to you in the loft, hanging around with the guys, not caring. I want you to be happy in whatever job you have, but I want to be able to kiss you goodbye when you go, not just wave. I want you, every bit of you. And I want for you to feel the same way about me."
"I do. But can you overlook all my stupid flaws?" Nick looked down at the floor.
"I love every single one of your flaws, why would I overlook them? There what make you special, and unique and perfect." Jess laughed a little.
"Jess. Will you be my…" Nick still couldn't find it in his heart to ask her to be his girlfriend, a huge part of him was still scared of the rejection. "Can we… you know? Girlfriend, boyfriend, date?" he stumbled over each word. But he didn't need to say anything else, she ran over to him, wrapping her arms around him in a tight circle.
This was a perfect moment.