disclaimer: Hikaru no Go isn't mine.
Inside and out
By miyamoto yui
Chapter 11 - Maboroshi. (Illusion.)
That dream, the anxiety attack at the hospital, and my father's phone calls could have happened a millennium ago for all I knew, but it had only happened two weeks ago.
That was the last time I ever spoke about Sai with Hikaru. I never mentioned it again, but it didn't mean that it didn't bother me as the days went by.
Even though he had asked me to tell him about my 'Sai dreams', I decided to refrain from doing so until I felt that he was comfortable enough to explain the whole situation to me. After all, if the genki Hikaru could crumble to tears at the mere mention of this name, then we might as well as eliminate this name all together.
That was the only logical response.
But how could you obliterate the past? You couldn't do that. It was an impossible task.
Sai was an Internet Go player that made me feel all these emotions in rushes that changed every second as my heart beat wild with excitement at playing such a powerful opponent. At first, I thought I was playing against my father, then Hikaru. But in the end, I learned to lose.
When you learned to master Go at a young age, no matter how humble you were, there was that stroke of confidence that told you that you could never lose. It was there inside of you. Your Go would support you in whatever you were supposed to do.
Unfortunately, when you grew a little wiser, you found out that Go could help with so many things in life, but it couldn't help you in many things as well. What was the use of anticipating an opponent's moves if you didn't have a worthy opponent in the first place?
That's what Sai represented to me.
And with that, Hikaru was just as much this to me as Sai was.
I just didn't really notice until now how intermingled they were. Were my theories all correct? But how could that be?
Was my dream trying to tell me that in the first place, or was it just leading me in the way that I always thought? After all my accumulated thoughts and feelings, were they just playing out in a movie inside my head whenever it felt that I needed to experience some kind of answer, even if there was none at the moment.
Maybe there would be no answer at all.
But I had to try. I hated to lose, and especially when there was much at stake.
Knock, knock, knock knock, knock.
"Wait a moment!" I said in response to the knock that indicated that it was him.
I rushed to open the door as he said, "I don't want to do this."
He looked at me with a pout on his face as he followed me to the kitchen.
"You could eat breakfast at your house, you know..." I trailed off as I put a bowl of miso soup in front of him.
"That isn't what I'm talking about and you know it," he answered me.
I stood in front of him. "Well, who was the one who said we should promote Go more?"
"I know I did, but AHH~!" He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration.
"Hikaru! Stop acting like that." I sighed as I got a comb from the bathroom along with some gel. I combed through his hair to get it perfect again.
He didn't say another word.
"I know that it is just for promotion, but try to be more mature about it." I poked him on the forehead. Then, I gave him a deadpan look. "You're the one who insisted you wanted to go with me."
He pouted even more and mumbled to himself as I sat across him and drank the miso soup I made.
"What was that?" I lifted up an eyebrow.
"Hmph." He drank his soup, wiped his mouth with the napkin provided, and looked at me.
"Hikaru..." I said with a scolding tone.
Looking sideways, he crossed his arms while saying, "Damn fangirls."
"Aww..." I got up and took our bowls while leaning down to kiss his forehead. "Is that what you're worried about?"
I began to laugh as I placed the bowls into the sink. "There's nothing to worry about."
He gave me an uncertain look as he got up and we left my apartment.
When we were outside, he continued to be silent.
"There's nothing to worry about," I repeated while pulling on his sleeve. "And you're worse than they are!"
"I am your number one fan, Aki." He simply answered and we rushed over to the subway station to head towards the Institute. Hikaru winked at me with a smile.
"Why do you always make fun of me?!"
"I live to crack your serious expressions, Aki," Hikaru laughed as we ran faster and faster. "Your expressions are just an added bonus."
While smiling with knowing eyes, I shouted, "Shindou!"
--
At the Institute, we were instructed to take off our coats in order to get ready for the photo shoot.
Even though I had done this for about a year and a half now, this was still a little new Hikaru. For petty reasons, he decided to become a 'Go idol'. It was for the sole purpose of fending off crazy fangirls who would come up to me and demand a hug. My 'bodyguard' would give a severe Look if he felt that someone was asking too much. All I could do was laugh nervously. On the other hand, the feeling was mutual.
I, first of all, didn't like people touching me. Even my parents knew this. Only Hikaru, much to everyone's surprise, was the only one who could slap me on the shoulder or pull my collar without me flinching an eye. (But boy, he'd have a scolding when we went to my apartment for him invading my personal space in 'public' when he got too affectionate than we were supposed to be. We didn't lead anyone astray about only being best friends and battling rivals in Go.)
I wore a white, sleeveless turtleneck with black slacks as Hikaru wore a black, long-sleeved collar shirt with white slacks so that we would complement one another. After all, we had become the most popular pair for Go.
We took pictures from one corner of the Institute to the other. Then, we hosted an event with Izumi-san as well as Waya-san.
Unfortunately, since my father still wasn't here, Ogata-sensei came in his place. He chuckled as he said, "Official poster boy? Not bad."
I shook my head as I laughed at his remark. "At least I'm not alone."
At this, he simply smiled as he walked around.
It was a lot of work, but at the end of the day, I couldn't move from my place on the floor. The only one's left were Waya, Izumi, Hikaru, me, and some of the organizers, who were at their desks.
We were at the room where all the matches had taken place.
"That was great!" Hikaru said as he proudly pulled on my braid to signal to me how many people he fended off single-handedly for both of us.
"I can take care of myself," I said while clearing my throat.
"Yes..." Then, at that moment, he caught me off-guard and pulled me to sit on his lap while Waya and Izumi were walking around to make sure everything was fixed up. "...but I have to make sure you aren't immune to me yet."
"Shindou!" I yelped as I blushed while looking up to his eyes. "Wh-what-"
I pushed myself away as I knelt to the board in front of me. I cupped my palms over my knees while looking away from him.
"I don't like this anymore, Aki..." he said to me as sighed with a melancholic smile. "I'm not just your friend, dammit..."
I turned my head towards him and said while reaching out my hand to him. "I know, but until we say anything to anyone, we can't predict what will happen. I want this to be less complicated than it already is."
"Why do we have to care what other people say?"
"It isn't that. You know that it isn't that..."
In frustration, he pounded on the floor with a fist. He sighed. "I know. This will affect everyone and everything..."
But at seeing my worried face, Hikaru then lifted up my chin and smiled as he said, "Stop being so shy with me. I'll show you off once we tell whomever we need to. I won't give a damn after that."
I softly smiled back as I nodded while laughing. "You're so selfish."
"If you hate losing, then I hate sharing." Then, he let go of me.
"Oh no, I hate that too," I whispered into his ear. "But only for certain things."
"I'm glad we agree on something once in a while."
Waya and Izumi then came into the room. As they were giving the rundown of everything that had taken place for the day, my mind kind of drifted. We were happy that everything was done, but then, they were interested in all the matches that had taken place.
While they walked around all the boards and their matches, I went through my own. Unconsciously, I blankly went through the motions of the stones clattering like guns in my inner war.
Black. White. Black. White...
Faster and faster, I alternated colors trying to find an answer to everything in my head.
Sai...Sai...Sai...
Hikaru and me...when will we stop pushing and pulling away from one another?
We shouldn't have to care about what other people thought, but we were afraid about the effect it would have on the people it would have around us. So, we were at a standstill, and we didn't know what to do about it.
Tap.
Hikaru, Waya, and Izumi finally stopped to watch what I was doing.
Before I began to play in rhythm to the alternating stone placement sounds, Hikaru said, "Stop playing that."
It was a harsh voice. A hurt one that was incomprehensible to me.
A grave one that sounded unlike the Hikaru I knew.
He sounded as if he couldn't breathe anymore...
Why did Hikaru suddenly get defensive? I looked up at him as I placed a white Go chip on the board.
Hikaru's hands became tight fists with the color on his face draining like running water.
I gently smiled at him, still a bit oblivious to the reason for Hikaru's defensive stance. Looking at the board, I reflected upon the game with a grin still on my face.
I answered Hikaru, "But this was when I knew I had to chase after you."
"Promise me you'll never play that game again." There was a hint of desparation in Hikaru's voice.
It seemed like seconds were passing, but Hikaru suddenly became quiet and Waya and Izumi looked at one another, not knowing what to do.
Feeling that something was becoming seriously wrong, I then turned my head with concerned eyes towards Hikaru. "Hikaru, what is wrong with you?"
Then, my mind and my hands were finally in sync. My face became more and more confused as I looked at the stones before me.
The game with Hikaru many years ago...
But why was the name Sai coming to mind instead of Hikaru?
At that, Hikaru took the Go chips and grabbed them into his hands as if he could erase what was in front of us. He closed his eyes as his cheeks turned red in frustration, but he was too proud to cry.
"Stop playing..." He then turned his head to me. "Stop looking for Sai inside of me."
Hikaru shouted, "He isn't here anymore!"
"Hikaru?" I slowly began to stand up.
Hikaru let go of the chips and he ran out of the room.
For a moment, I looked at the chips, but there was no way I'd let him get away from me.
I'll chase after you wherever you go. You can't get away from me.
Whether it's on the Go board or not...
Again...
I was chasing Hikaru all over again...
"Hikaru!" I shouted as he ran out of the building with me trailing after him.
My body was screaming in pain as well as my heart shutting down on me...
Then, at that moment, he turned around and shouted, "The person you are looking for isn't me!"
Suddenly, I stopped running. My feet were frozen to the ground out of fatigue.
And his words were settling deep within me.
"It was never me, Aki!!
You fell in love with my illusion!"
With that, he turned around and ran further and further away from me.
I started to run after him again, but he was soon out of sight.
He faded out in a blur with the dark, dark night.
tsuzuku...
--
author's note: I find it ironic, yet fortunate to find that this is the middle of the story, but is the most important transition for it.
Inside and out
By miyamoto yui
Chapter 11 - Maboroshi. (Illusion.)
That dream, the anxiety attack at the hospital, and my father's phone calls could have happened a millennium ago for all I knew, but it had only happened two weeks ago.
That was the last time I ever spoke about Sai with Hikaru. I never mentioned it again, but it didn't mean that it didn't bother me as the days went by.
Even though he had asked me to tell him about my 'Sai dreams', I decided to refrain from doing so until I felt that he was comfortable enough to explain the whole situation to me. After all, if the genki Hikaru could crumble to tears at the mere mention of this name, then we might as well as eliminate this name all together.
That was the only logical response.
But how could you obliterate the past? You couldn't do that. It was an impossible task.
Sai was an Internet Go player that made me feel all these emotions in rushes that changed every second as my heart beat wild with excitement at playing such a powerful opponent. At first, I thought I was playing against my father, then Hikaru. But in the end, I learned to lose.
When you learned to master Go at a young age, no matter how humble you were, there was that stroke of confidence that told you that you could never lose. It was there inside of you. Your Go would support you in whatever you were supposed to do.
Unfortunately, when you grew a little wiser, you found out that Go could help with so many things in life, but it couldn't help you in many things as well. What was the use of anticipating an opponent's moves if you didn't have a worthy opponent in the first place?
That's what Sai represented to me.
And with that, Hikaru was just as much this to me as Sai was.
I just didn't really notice until now how intermingled they were. Were my theories all correct? But how could that be?
Was my dream trying to tell me that in the first place, or was it just leading me in the way that I always thought? After all my accumulated thoughts and feelings, were they just playing out in a movie inside my head whenever it felt that I needed to experience some kind of answer, even if there was none at the moment.
Maybe there would be no answer at all.
But I had to try. I hated to lose, and especially when there was much at stake.
Knock, knock, knock knock, knock.
"Wait a moment!" I said in response to the knock that indicated that it was him.
I rushed to open the door as he said, "I don't want to do this."
He looked at me with a pout on his face as he followed me to the kitchen.
"You could eat breakfast at your house, you know..." I trailed off as I put a bowl of miso soup in front of him.
"That isn't what I'm talking about and you know it," he answered me.
I stood in front of him. "Well, who was the one who said we should promote Go more?"
"I know I did, but AHH~!" He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration.
"Hikaru! Stop acting like that." I sighed as I got a comb from the bathroom along with some gel. I combed through his hair to get it perfect again.
He didn't say another word.
"I know that it is just for promotion, but try to be more mature about it." I poked him on the forehead. Then, I gave him a deadpan look. "You're the one who insisted you wanted to go with me."
He pouted even more and mumbled to himself as I sat across him and drank the miso soup I made.
"What was that?" I lifted up an eyebrow.
"Hmph." He drank his soup, wiped his mouth with the napkin provided, and looked at me.
"Hikaru..." I said with a scolding tone.
Looking sideways, he crossed his arms while saying, "Damn fangirls."
"Aww..." I got up and took our bowls while leaning down to kiss his forehead. "Is that what you're worried about?"
I began to laugh as I placed the bowls into the sink. "There's nothing to worry about."
He gave me an uncertain look as he got up and we left my apartment.
When we were outside, he continued to be silent.
"There's nothing to worry about," I repeated while pulling on his sleeve. "And you're worse than they are!"
"I am your number one fan, Aki." He simply answered and we rushed over to the subway station to head towards the Institute. Hikaru winked at me with a smile.
"Why do you always make fun of me?!"
"I live to crack your serious expressions, Aki," Hikaru laughed as we ran faster and faster. "Your expressions are just an added bonus."
While smiling with knowing eyes, I shouted, "Shindou!"
--
At the Institute, we were instructed to take off our coats in order to get ready for the photo shoot.
Even though I had done this for about a year and a half now, this was still a little new Hikaru. For petty reasons, he decided to become a 'Go idol'. It was for the sole purpose of fending off crazy fangirls who would come up to me and demand a hug. My 'bodyguard' would give a severe Look if he felt that someone was asking too much. All I could do was laugh nervously. On the other hand, the feeling was mutual.
I, first of all, didn't like people touching me. Even my parents knew this. Only Hikaru, much to everyone's surprise, was the only one who could slap me on the shoulder or pull my collar without me flinching an eye. (But boy, he'd have a scolding when we went to my apartment for him invading my personal space in 'public' when he got too affectionate than we were supposed to be. We didn't lead anyone astray about only being best friends and battling rivals in Go.)
I wore a white, sleeveless turtleneck with black slacks as Hikaru wore a black, long-sleeved collar shirt with white slacks so that we would complement one another. After all, we had become the most popular pair for Go.
We took pictures from one corner of the Institute to the other. Then, we hosted an event with Izumi-san as well as Waya-san.
Unfortunately, since my father still wasn't here, Ogata-sensei came in his place. He chuckled as he said, "Official poster boy? Not bad."
I shook my head as I laughed at his remark. "At least I'm not alone."
At this, he simply smiled as he walked around.
It was a lot of work, but at the end of the day, I couldn't move from my place on the floor. The only one's left were Waya, Izumi, Hikaru, me, and some of the organizers, who were at their desks.
We were at the room where all the matches had taken place.
"That was great!" Hikaru said as he proudly pulled on my braid to signal to me how many people he fended off single-handedly for both of us.
"I can take care of myself," I said while clearing my throat.
"Yes..." Then, at that moment, he caught me off-guard and pulled me to sit on his lap while Waya and Izumi were walking around to make sure everything was fixed up. "...but I have to make sure you aren't immune to me yet."
"Shindou!" I yelped as I blushed while looking up to his eyes. "Wh-what-"
I pushed myself away as I knelt to the board in front of me. I cupped my palms over my knees while looking away from him.
"I don't like this anymore, Aki..." he said to me as sighed with a melancholic smile. "I'm not just your friend, dammit..."
I turned my head towards him and said while reaching out my hand to him. "I know, but until we say anything to anyone, we can't predict what will happen. I want this to be less complicated than it already is."
"Why do we have to care what other people say?"
"It isn't that. You know that it isn't that..."
In frustration, he pounded on the floor with a fist. He sighed. "I know. This will affect everyone and everything..."
But at seeing my worried face, Hikaru then lifted up my chin and smiled as he said, "Stop being so shy with me. I'll show you off once we tell whomever we need to. I won't give a damn after that."
I softly smiled back as I nodded while laughing. "You're so selfish."
"If you hate losing, then I hate sharing." Then, he let go of me.
"Oh no, I hate that too," I whispered into his ear. "But only for certain things."
"I'm glad we agree on something once in a while."
Waya and Izumi then came into the room. As they were giving the rundown of everything that had taken place for the day, my mind kind of drifted. We were happy that everything was done, but then, they were interested in all the matches that had taken place.
While they walked around all the boards and their matches, I went through my own. Unconsciously, I blankly went through the motions of the stones clattering like guns in my inner war.
Black. White. Black. White...
Faster and faster, I alternated colors trying to find an answer to everything in my head.
Sai...Sai...Sai...
Hikaru and me...when will we stop pushing and pulling away from one another?
We shouldn't have to care about what other people thought, but we were afraid about the effect it would have on the people it would have around us. So, we were at a standstill, and we didn't know what to do about it.
Tap.
Hikaru, Waya, and Izumi finally stopped to watch what I was doing.
Before I began to play in rhythm to the alternating stone placement sounds, Hikaru said, "Stop playing that."
It was a harsh voice. A hurt one that was incomprehensible to me.
A grave one that sounded unlike the Hikaru I knew.
He sounded as if he couldn't breathe anymore...
Why did Hikaru suddenly get defensive? I looked up at him as I placed a white Go chip on the board.
Hikaru's hands became tight fists with the color on his face draining like running water.
I gently smiled at him, still a bit oblivious to the reason for Hikaru's defensive stance. Looking at the board, I reflected upon the game with a grin still on my face.
I answered Hikaru, "But this was when I knew I had to chase after you."
"Promise me you'll never play that game again." There was a hint of desparation in Hikaru's voice.
It seemed like seconds were passing, but Hikaru suddenly became quiet and Waya and Izumi looked at one another, not knowing what to do.
Feeling that something was becoming seriously wrong, I then turned my head with concerned eyes towards Hikaru. "Hikaru, what is wrong with you?"
Then, my mind and my hands were finally in sync. My face became more and more confused as I looked at the stones before me.
The game with Hikaru many years ago...
But why was the name Sai coming to mind instead of Hikaru?
At that, Hikaru took the Go chips and grabbed them into his hands as if he could erase what was in front of us. He closed his eyes as his cheeks turned red in frustration, but he was too proud to cry.
"Stop playing..." He then turned his head to me. "Stop looking for Sai inside of me."
Hikaru shouted, "He isn't here anymore!"
"Hikaru?" I slowly began to stand up.
Hikaru let go of the chips and he ran out of the room.
For a moment, I looked at the chips, but there was no way I'd let him get away from me.
I'll chase after you wherever you go. You can't get away from me.
Whether it's on the Go board or not...
Again...
I was chasing Hikaru all over again...
"Hikaru!" I shouted as he ran out of the building with me trailing after him.
My body was screaming in pain as well as my heart shutting down on me...
Then, at that moment, he turned around and shouted, "The person you are looking for isn't me!"
Suddenly, I stopped running. My feet were frozen to the ground out of fatigue.
And his words were settling deep within me.
"It was never me, Aki!!
You fell in love with my illusion!"
With that, he turned around and ran further and further away from me.
I started to run after him again, but he was soon out of sight.
He faded out in a blur with the dark, dark night.
tsuzuku...
--
author's note: I find it ironic, yet fortunate to find that this is the middle of the story, but is the most important transition for it.