Chapter 12: In which anatomy fails and sanity does too for good measure.

Once upon a time at Wammy's House Near sat in his room feeling like he would never really get any characterization in this story anyways because he has been reduced to a sex object.

He certainly was innocent and pure, not to mention he had a fine albino ass. Near was pretty much asking to be raped.

Now as it happened, Beyond Birthday was creeping around Wammy's House despite the fact that he had left years ago (because Wammy's House is a zone where time is relative and mostly a matter of opinion). He was a very evil yet sexy man so he decided that raping a student would be a lot of fun.

But who to rape? Who was just innocent enough to be disturbing yet hot enough to be his mate? It had to be Near, that kid was asking for it.

So BB raped Near graphically for all to see. And that was pretty much it. Nothing else really happened. Readers may wonder why they just read a story where all that happened was two fictional people having sex accompanied by occasional dialog about how awful Near felt about the whole thing.

Wasn't that fun?

No is the answer. In fact, it could be anyone banging; you could actually just change the names and repost the same story for any fandom in the world.

We shall stop watching this train wreck and turn our gaze far away to task force headquarters. Our old friends L and Light were sitting together in "generic task force headquarters room" again whilst the ever-charming Misa squealed annoyingly.

Something was different however. Time being a complete matter of opinion here Light still remembered being Kira and he was a very wicked man. The scent of overpowering evilness radiated off of him as he gazed hungrily at L.

Light desired nothing more than to shag L one day. Forget taking over the world or eliminating crime; his prime objective had shifted to the acquisition of L's ass. But how could he do it? He could try to make L fall in love with him but that would be no fun. It just wasn't sex to Light Yagami if the person was willing.

So that night as L was brushing his teeth Light crept up behind him and began to strangle him with the handcuffs (because time is still incredibly relative).

"Ha ha L! I am now going to force you to have sex with me for no reason! Please be sure to describe how hot I am the whole time as though you might actually want me! But don't forget to mention how much you hate the horror that is me. Make sure to use explicate terms that make the way we boink sound incredibly unappealing!" Light said cheerfully as he removed L's bagging jeans to reveal the slender, vulnerable, pale, untouched, etc (because your brain hasn't committed suicide yet) legs.

"Oh damn, not again!" L said in exasperation. Why did he always end up getting raped? It just wasn't fair.

"Let me abuse you a little bit first though and maybe we can have a provocative bondage scene." Light purred his golden/amber/cinnamon/chocolate eyes flashing (because writers are incapable of saying brown and can only describe Light in terms of rocks and food).

"Okay then, I shall begin my internal monologue about how much I hate you while you slap me around a bit." L sighed and prepared himself.

Meanwhile back at Wammy's House Mello and Matt were screwing in their dorm room again (because time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so).

"Faster, harder, deeper." Panted Mello, spouting the few clichés the naive author has heard (because lets face the facts, how many smut writers have actually done this?).

"Wow, this is so incredibly passionate." Muttered Matt in a monotone.

"I love you Matty." Whispered Mello as they fell asleep in each other's arms. Nothing bad could ever come from this relationship… OR COULD IT?

Switching back to the dynamic duo at task force headquarters, L for some reason had not arrested Light or told anyone about the incident. This will never be explained so don't bother thinking about it.

But something was amiss! L woke up one morning and felt so sick he couldn't even eat his morning strawberry (because they haven't gone away yet) without throwing up. He also noticed that his non-existent breasts seemed to be larger and his mood changed spastically. Oh what could be wrong? What could this shocking secret be, I'm absolutely MISTIFIED!

L couldn't be, could he? That was impossible, completely preposterous actually. L didn't have the junk down there. Nobody would write something that stupid, that's just laughable!

"Light, I have to tell you something." L proclaimed dramatically one evening…

Meanwhile at Wammy's House Mello was also noticing some mind-blowingly obvious signs of stupidity. So one night when Matt was out Mello decided he should clear this nonsense up.

When Matt came home that evening Mello's face was pale and strained and he looked like he'd been crying. But what, thought Matt in shock, why on earth would Mello be crying, he's such a man (because the one carrying the baby must go through the cliché ritual of unplanned pregnancy problems which all readers know will be inevitably pointless).

"Matt I have to tell you something." Mello sniffled nervously…

Then together at two different sides of the globe the men sobbed passionately over a fact that even first graders know deifies the laws of nature.

"I'm pregnant!"

"What the hell? You're a man L! That doesn't even make sense!" Light snarled in annoyance.

"Should we keep it? Don't you love me baby? I want this child with you, our very own!" L mewled sickeningly.

"Have you gone insane? Aren't you supposed to be smart? I raped you! You don't love me, you hate my guts! Why would I love you?" Light shrieked, throwing his hands up into the air.

L began to wail. Light flushed and ran a hand through his hair.

"I thought I hated you but it was just a cover for my true feelings! Thank you for showing me how to love you." L sniffled and drew closer to Light, rubbing his hands over his stomach.

"So what you're trying to say is… it's not rape if you enjoy it? Oh lord, we're really in the deep-end now." Light said in a defeated voice. "But you aren't pregnant okay? That's just complete lunacy."

"But I am! I didn't tell you but I actually have a uterus do to a freak accident!" L said in a rather chipper tone, perking up immediately.

"Okay… but even if you did have a uterus you still couldn't get pregnant. It's basic anatomy L. You don't have any ovaries or Fallopian tubes!" Light said matter-of-factly.

"Shut up Light, you don't understand! Just be supportive and pay the damn child-support!" L reverted to a threatening monotone and then shuffled away.

"Hormones." Light muttered, deciding the he should give his sanity a well-deserved break.

Back with Mello and Matt things were progressing. After some sugary scenes where they snuggled and promised that true love would prevail in the face of teenaged pregnancy they were still ignoring the main problem.

For some reason being young seemed like more of a problem than the fact that MEN CANNOT PHYSICALLY GET PREGNANT! In case you missed that.

Then of course the middle happens but it is far too boring to be described. Let it suffice to say that all pregnancy clichés will be used and Mello and L will have a chance to show their vulnerable side while the semi-true love of Matt and Light is put to the test.

Let us skip to the end.

L and Mello have gone into labor! Emotions are running high! How will this exciting climax resolve itself? Where on earth will L and Mello squeeze that thing out from?

"L, I love you! I'll never leave your side!" Light whispered in L's ear as he held his hand. Becoming a parent was a new and frightening thing for both of them, how adorable!

"Light, I'm glad you stopped being Kira for me, and for our baby." L sighed peacefully (because when men have children apparently it is a relatively painless and restful event).

"Holy crap. I'm face palming. You knew I was Kira the whole time and you didn't do anything? What is freakin' wrong with you?" Light snapped, unable to take more nonsense.

"There is a logical explanation I swear!" L cried.

"Oh yeah like the last 5 things you 'explained' to me" Light rolled his eyes.

Mello and Matt were also sitting nervously in the hospital, which was strangely excepting of the fact that they were 2 dudes.

"Hello boys, I'm a doctor, I'm very smart so listen. According to the laws of imaginary medicine it seems that your baby may die unless we perform a risky operation. Are you prepared to go through some mild trauma? Or should I just off the little bastard for you now?" Said a doctor.

"Oh Mello, you can't! I couldn't live without you!" Matt sobbed. But Mello was determined, or possibly just suicidal at this point.

"Do it."

What will happen? I'm holding my breath with anticipation. Wait for it…

The babies are born and everyone is fine and happy and they name the child something ridiculous and then it grows up emotionally scarred because of it's parents.

Wow, I defiantly saw that coming. How… well I can't say disappointing. How predictable.

We could discuss the general horror of the concept of these fics all day. The part that really stands out as sad, however, is the painfully obvious purpose of them.

The entire premise of these stories is taking a male character that the author likes and then making them vulnerable and cute. They are written for the purpose of intentionally harming a character to make them more appealing.

People are aware of the stress and fear that brining a child into the world contains so they include this to develop their story, not really caring that much if it makes sense or not.

People are aware of the pain and trauma rape causes so they include it in their story to give characters more emotional conflict. And because it's sexy. I think everyone can agree that this is a little sick.

Bottom line: plot devices have to make sense people. Now don't whine but sometimes you have to use, gasp, creativity! That's right folks, if you can't figure out how to move your plot along you may be forced to… think about it!

"Excuse me, there seems to be a small problem here." Near said, peeking out of his room. "Everyone seems to have forgotten to give an end to my story! What do I do after I get raped? How does this story unfold?"

Sadly for Near, there is no end. That was literally all it was. In Beyond Birthday's book, it's not rape if you yell "surprise"!

Author's Note: IMPORTANT NOTICE- Okay guys, I've had some requests for this so here it is. I've had a lot of fun with this but I think I've just about covered all the main topics. I'm writing you a grand finale which is going to be so awesome you're all going to fall out of your chairs. It's in regular narrative style unlike these and I don't give the 4th wall it's usual beating. This doesn't mean I'm done forever and always: if something new and horrible starts to emerge as a trend rest assured I will be there. Suggestions? Concerns? I have almost 100 reviews! WIN!