Author's Note
Thank you so much for all your kind comments. It really does spur me on to write better.
To the guest who asked how I know all the things about therapy and a selfharmers mindset I'll be honest. I'm making up the therapist part simply as I was never lucky enough to get to see one. I have struggled with Self harm since I was 12 so that all comes from my mind ^_^
Now, on with the story...
Tony woke up the following morning on the floor exactly where he had passed out. He back was sore from the cold floor and his mouth felt like something had died in there. He rolled over and stared at the ceiling trying to find the energy to sit up. When he finally found it he really wished he hadn't. The room spun crazily for a moment and Tony knew it was going to be a long day.
A couple of hours later he had dragged himself through the shower got dressed. He sat at the kitchen counter nursing a very large very strong coffee and reached for the diary. He re-read his last entry while he finished his coffee and realised he was going to have to write a lot more if he wanted his next session to go well.
Since there was no way he could repeat the events of last night all week long he resolved to take his diary to the little coffee shop Pepper had introduced him to and write there. So for the rest of the week Tony spent at least an hour a day curled up in a comfy chair with a really great coffee and a muffin and wrote. He stayed fairly sober all week and by the time Tuesday came around again he felt almost ready to face the therapist.
On the day of his appointment he was once again at the coffee shop putting the finishing touches on his last entry. He checked the time just as he was taking the last swig of coffee and saw he was down to ten minutes before his appointment. It was about a fifteen to twenty minute walk from the shop to the therapists building.
"Shit!" Tony exclaimed. He shovelled everything from the table into his bag, ate the last bite of muffin and dashed out of the door. He didn't exactly run all the way but it was certainly a dignified scramble. He reached the door to the building where his therapist was located and flung it open. Unfortunately there was someone on the other side and he collided full on with them, knocking both of them over.
"Ah shit!" Tony exclaimed grabbing his head where it had connected with something quite solid.
"Are you ok?" Asked a voice from above. Tony looked up to see a hand being held out to help him up. He followed the arm upwards and found himself looking into the face of the guy from the coffee shop and bookstore.
"Yeah I'm fine just running late. I'm sorry man are you ok? I didn't break anything did I?"
"No I'm fine thank you." The guy said. Tony bent to help him pick up his things which had ended up all over the pavement and doorway. He handed them over, once more admiring the guy's graceful hands. Tony noticed that he blushed slightly as their hands touched. He filed that little fact away for later. "Thanks for your help." He started to turn away as if to head off down the street. Come on Stark, Tony thought, you've got to find out who he is.
"Hey wait a minute," Tony yelled. The stranger turned back. "My name's Tony. Tony Stark." He reached out a hand to him, hoping to get him to blush again.
"Oh, erm, I'm Loki. Loki Laufeyson." They shook hands and Tony marvelled at the just how perfect his hands and wrists were close up.
"Nice to meet you Loki. Maybe I'll see you around sometime?" Tony asked, smiling widely at Loki.
"I...Yes, maybe you will." Loki turned away but not quickly enough to hide the blush spreading across his cheeks. Tony grinned even more as he heading into the building finally.
Tony ambled into Adam's office ten minutes late for his session.
"I know, I know, I'm late. I'm really sorry. I was writing in the diary and then I just had a collision with the guy leaving your building, Loki I think his name was. Had to make sure he was gonna live you know?"
Adam looked at Tony slightly stunned. "Let me get this straight. You were voluntarily writing in the diary and you nearly killed someone at my office?"
"Yeah. Well it was probably more of a concussion than a killing but you get the idea. And the writing is part of my new genius plan which I need to tell you about right now." Tony smiled at Adam
"Ok, what have you got?"
"I would love to take the credit for this one. Really I would. But it goes to my amazing friend Pepper. I hate these sessions. I don't want to be here and I really don't want you digging inside my head. So I'm going to be the one doing the digging. I pick apart whatever it is you want me to and you can guide me and help me figure out what I need to do so I don't land myself anywhere like this again. If there has to be analysing going on it might as well be me doing it. What do you think?"
Tony looked over at Adam slightly anxiously. He knew the idea was brilliant and was really the best plan for him but the therapist had to agree for it to work. Adam looked at Tony intently for a moment.
"Will you apply the same dedication to this as you would to one of your many projects that I read about in the papers?" Tony nodded. "Will you listen to my guidance and delve into the subjects that I advise?" He nodded again. "If I think we need to look at something in more depth do you agree to do so, no matter how painful it is?"
"Anything you say doc. Though I make no promises that I will be reasonable about it. As I've said, I don't really want to do this but it's got to be done. I'm an argumentative sod and I don't expect that will change anytime soon."
"Then we have an agreement. I actually agree with your friend. It is really how I prefer to run my sessions anyway. I can only do so much without the full involvement of the patient." Adam gestured towards the diary. "I assume since you were running late because of that you have something to start us off with today?"
"Indeed I do doc. Indeed I do."
Tony plonked himself on the sofa and kicks off his shoes much like he did on his first session. He tucks his feet under himself and grabs the diary but doesn't open it yet.
"Last time I was here you asked me what I cared about and one of the things I said was Pepper. She really is the thing I care about most in this world. She's my best friend and has been for longer than I care to think about. We tried dating once when we were about fifteen and it was a total disaster. I'm gonna tell you why." Tony flipped open the diary to the first marker he has placed and began to read.
Pepper Potts is the most amazing woman I know. She has a razor sharp wit and can keep up with me when I get an idea. She cheers me up when I'm down and she knows when to leave me alone. And she was all of those things at the age of ten when I first met her. I remember the day she arrived at my school. She was all blond pigtails and shy smiles. She walked in not knowing a single person there, looked round at the class and promptly came and sat next to me. There were other empty seats but she chose that one. We were inseparable from that moment on. At fifteen we were both a bundle of hormones and well, we'd been friends for so long it just seemed that surely we would be a perfect fit as a couple. So I took her on a date. Being the son of Howard Stark I got us a table at a nice restaurant, had us chauffeur driven there. You know, all the swanky stuff. It was like any other night we spent together just more expensive and with food we couldn't pronounce the names of. When I dropped her at home I walked her to the door and kissed her goodnight. We looked at each other after the kiss and just collapsed laughing. It was awful. Like kissing a sibling or great aunt. Truly not the great romance we thought it would be. We gave up the idea of dating then and just carried on as friends. She is the sister I never had, the mother I lost and the one person I would really do anything for.
Tony closed the book and looked up at Adam. "So Doc, do I care enough about her?"
"Clearly you do Tony. Have you two ever fallen out?"
"Yeah a couple of times, who doesn't. We had a major row once when she chose to date this total jerk against my advice. It was the only time I've ever doubted her intelligence."
"Because she ignored you?"
"No! Because the guy was a Neanderthal. He only wanted her as a trophy on his arm. She is so much more than that. I think the only other time we've fallen out was after my father died and I ended up in hospital."
"What happened?" Adam asked.
"Oh surely you know this story? Howard Stark dies in a car accident and his wayward son drinks himself into the ground and ends up hospitalised." Tony laughed bitterly. "Pepper came to visit me in the hospital and told me this was the last time she would see me in a hospital bed. If I didn't get my act together she would let me die alone there."
"How did that make you feel?"
"Awful. She was so, so disappointed in me. She'd given up on me I think. She didn't expect me to come around. I think she thought that was the last time she would see me."
"So what did you do?"
Tony ran his hands through his hair and considered his answer. " I checked myself out of the hospital the following day, went back to the house and got my shit together. My father's estate needed sorting out, the company needed heading up and I needed to stay sober. I buried myself in getting Stark Industries running smoothly and then went to see Pepper. She'd been following it all in the news. You see she had never really given up on me. Just given me the push I needed to get back on with my life."
Adam made a few notes in Tony's file. "It seems she is still doing that."
"Yeah she is. Sometimes I wish for her sake that I had stayed on the straight and true path from that point onwards but it's just not in my nature. Pep is there every step of the way to prod and push me back though. To make her happy right now I would need to meet someone nice, settle down and all that jazz. She's a bit like a mother that way."
"Do you see her as a mother figure?"
Mother, why he loved her so much.
"It's a bit hard to when she's the same age as me Doc. But I lost my mother before Pep came on the scene and I suppose in a way she did fill the space my mother left." Tony looked down, his eyes suddenly filling with tears. "I actually wrote about my mother a bit too." He turned the diary to another marker a bit further on in the book from where he had read the last time.
My mother was a beautiful woman. To me she was the most perfect person in the world. I suppose all children feel that way about their mother's. Being as rich as we were we had staff to help look after the house and me but my mother didn't give me up to a nanny or the housekeeper like so many of her society acquaintances. She made me my breakfast in the morning and read me stories every night. She would take me for walks and tell me all about the world around me. She encouraged me to learn and got me the best tutors money could buy. She taught me to appreciate music and art, theatre and film. She was a gentle soul. I have no idea how she ended up marrying my father but I think it was the worst mistake she ever made. She gave up everything she ever wanted to be with him and he didn't appreciate it one bit. I'm sure there must have been love there once. Surely no one would get married these days if there wasn't. But it was long gone by the time I was able to understand what a relationship should be like. When she died I cried every day until the funeral. After she had been buried and everyone was back at our house for the food and everything my father pulled me to one side. He told me then that he did not want to see my cry ever again. That I was a grown up now and had to act like one. I was nine years old. I never saw him shed a single tear.
"Do you think it would have helped? Seeing him cry I mean."
Tony sighed. "At least I would have known he had a heart. You know he never told me that he loved me. Not once." He shook his head and tapped his fingers on his chest. "He died and I have no idea if he loved me at all or even if he ever wanted me."
"How do you think that has affected you Tony?"
"What kind of stupid ass question is that doc?" He got up and started pacing the room, clearly agitated. "I have no idea how it affected me. After my mother died I hardly saw the man. I had a nanny and tutors who were paid very well to at least act if they liked me. I didn't form a bond with a single one of them. My only real companion was Pepper."
"Ok Tony. I think what we're going to do is have you look at how you think your father and mother have affected your own view on relationships. You've made a great start here and I know it may seem like we've covered a lot but you've got to dig deeper." Tony sat back down and unconsciously ran his fingers through his hair.
"How Freudian are we gonna get doc? I hope you're not going to accuse me of having an Oedipus complex."
"Very funny Tony. No I just think it bears further scrutiny. You got defensive and that tells me there is a wall there. Since you want to direct this therapy I'm just going to point you at the walls that need scaling."
"Fine. I can do that. So more looking at Mommy and Daddy, got it. I guess I'll be ordering some more whiskey this week then." He grinned to show Adam he was joking. Well, mostly.
"Try to stay out of hospital ok?" Adam smiled at him and shook his head slightly. "This was a great session Tony. You've done well. I think you might owe your Pepper a gift or two."
"Thanks doc. I might just do that. I'll see you next week ok." And with that Tony gathered his things and left. He was meeting Pepper at the coffee shop instead of her picking him up at the therapists. As he stepped outside Tony wondered if he would see the delightful Loki Laufeyson there. His lips tilted in a smirk that has been known to make people go weak at the knees. He might just see if it is possible to make him blush again.