Chapter 12—A Clearing in the Woods
Two days before New Year's, Anne decided to go out for a winter tramp through the woods early in the afternoon. Anne was feeling trapped—trapped inside warm and cozy Green Gables and trapped in a relationship she wasn't sure she wanted to progress in anymore. Yes, Anne loved Roy but she was beginning to realize it was a different kind of love than what she thought it was a year and a half ago. Some how some way, something had changed; she was sure of it. Her talk a week ago with Diana confirmed this small protruding thought.
Tired of being cooped up inside the farmhouse and staring at the white blanketed world from the frosty windows, Anne decided to clear her mind and get some fresh air. Getting up from the kitchen table, Anne cleared away her things before retrieving her snow shoes and pants. A walk in the crisp fresh winter air was just what she needed—the perfect medication for a crowded foggy mind. Sitting down, after pulling on her snow pants over her jeans, Anne slipped on her snow shoes. "Marilla," she said as she tied them, "I'm off for a walk in the woods. I need some fresh air. I won't be gone too long."
"Just be sure you're back in time for supper," Marilla replied as she began to wash up the plates from lunch. "And leave your wet things on the rug by the door to dry when you return."
"I will," Anne smiled as she wrapped a scarf round her neck, pulled on her coat, hat, and gloves and headed off for the woods. Marilla watched Anne walk down the path that led from the house shaking her head. Marilla perceived something was askew with Anne.
Not long after she left, Rachel Lynde, who was living at Green Gables after her husband's death, entered the kitchen with two arms full of Ladies Aid work she had decided to work on for the afternoon. She sat down at the table and unloaded her arms. Both women were quiet for a moment, each consumed in their work or thoughts. Glancing up a few times, Rachel caught Marilla staring out the window. Picking up on her cues, Rachel glanced up from her work one more time and sighed before clicking her tongue.
"It's an ill wind that blows no good, Marilla," Rachel noted aloud as she continued to work. "Anne's been awful quiet since Diana stayed the night, and Lord knows it's highly uncommon for that girl to be quiet."
"Something's on her mind," replied Marilla dryly as she stopped looking out the window and looked down at her dirty dishes. "She's mulling over it, whatever it is, so let her be, Rachel, until she figures it out."
"Well Marilla," sighed Rachel as she looked up from her work, "if you ask me, she's worried about her rich boyfriend coming to town. I mean, let's face it; everyone knows the bond between Anne and Gilbert Blythe, whether they admit it or not. He'll have to prove himself to this community that he's a worthy young man compared to our Gilbert. I mean everyone knows their historical friendship round these parts."
Marilla simply rolled her eyes as she washed the last plate. "No Rachel, I don't think Anne's too concerned about that. I think it's something much deeper. Whatever is bothering her, she'll figure it out."
Rachel stared at Marilla's back somewhat aghast. She's gone mellow, that's what, she thought to herself as she grabbed a small stack of papers, stood them up, and straightened them. Drawing a breath, Rachel bluntly stated, "What's bothering her is the fact that she's in love with Gilbert Blythe and doesn't know it, that's what. She's gone and gotten herself in a fine kettle of fish, blinding herself with that imagination of hers."
"Well Rachel, I agree with you, but what's meant to be will be," Marilla said calmly as she scrubbed extra hard on a pan. She knew Rachel must have thought her a bit soft in the head, but she didn't seem to mind too much. She had lived with Anne long enough to know that when that girl had something on her mind, she went to the woods to seek out her answers.
"And sometimes what isn't to be is," Rachel added as she continued to shuffle through some papers, both women now silent and busy with their own work.
And so Anne did walk to the woods to seek solitude and find some answers, unconscious of the discussion of her walk back at Green Gables. Anne was also bothered by her reoccurring dream she had for over a week—the same dream she had the night Diana stayed over. Every night she kept seeing a big beautiful house with a huge backyard, a large variety of flowers, and green, green grass. Four children were playing in the yard—two brunettes and two redheads. Anne saw herself standing in the yard when one of the children came running up to her. She scooped them up in her arms to give them a big hug. Just then a tall, dark, handsome man appeared behind her as she put down the child. He came up to her and kissed her. Yet every morning Anne awoke just as the kiss was finished, annoyed that her dream had stopped and she could never clearly picture the man's face. It was always blurred from her inner eye's vision, much to Anne's dismay. But somehow Anne felt she knew who was the mysterious man of her dreams, if only she could pinpoint who.
Anne sighed as she continued to wander through the woods, not particularly paying any heed as to where she was heading. Soon she came to a clearing—a snow covered field—which she tramped on through until she came upon Lover's Lane. Walking along the lane, her shoes making crunching sounds on the snow, Anne looked around her and basked in all the wintry glory that surrounded her. But just as she was basking in that glory, a cold wind blew across the lane making her shiver. She continued to walk down the lane, drawing closer to the Lake of Shining Waters. Just then, Anne heard voices as she approached the lake. At first the voices sounded muffled, but as she inched closer, she could make them out loud and clear.
On the ice Diana, Fred, and Gilbert skated. The guys were trying to teach Diana how to play hockey. The hardest part was getting out of her way when she would hit the puck—something Fred learned the hard way about half an hour ago when they started skating. Gilbert had a rough time suppressing his laughter while Diana felt horrible for whacking Fred on the head. She honestly didn't think anyone was standing behind her. Gil had got Fred some snow for his bump while they all took a break. Now they were back out on the ice showing her how to score a goal.
After watching both of them explain things, Diana grasped her stick and settled it just behind the puck. Then quickly, she raised the stick and swung it down hitting the puck. As soon as Diana began to swing her stick down, Fred and Gilbert both dropped their sticks and fell to the ground shouting, "Duck!" before laughing heartily. Diana merely glared at the two laughing young men after her stick made contact with the puck. "Thanks for your votes of confidence you two," she said as she noticed the puck hit the net at the back of the goal and did a small fist back and breathed under her breath, "Yes!"
"You're welcome," snickered Gilbert as he sat up trying to stop his laughter.
Fred too sat up and grinned, but his grin soon faded away as he saw the puck whiz into the goal. He gave a low whistle. "Look out Wayne Gretzky here comes Diana Barry!"
"Just don't forget who taught you how to play," Gilbert said as he too stared down at the goal.
"I doubt I'll be able to forget if you two show up to my games and scream 'Duck!' every time I hit the puck," she teased sarcastically.
"Well, I think we've done enough hockey for the day," said Gil as he grabbed his hockey stick and stood up.
"I think so too," agreed Fred, "let's just hope we play better tomorrow for the game."
"Wait, when did you two practice?" quizzed Diana as she furrowed her brows. "I never saw you practice. You guys were busy teaching me how to play as soon as I hit the ice."
"We practiced before you arrived," Gilbert answered as he retrieved the puck. "Fred and I thought we'd try a few things out before tomorrow's game."
"By the way Diana, what took you so long to come out here? I thought you were supposed to come sooner than you did?" asked Fred as he skated over to the net and dragged it to the edge of the frozen pond.
"I was trying to get a hold of Anne," Diana answered, feeling some what uneasy bringing up Anne's name in front of Gilbert. "I hadn't talked to her since a couple of days before Christmas and only wished her a merry Christmas at the candlelight service."
"What's unusual about that?" questioned Fred.
"I just wanted to know how things were going," she returned slowly and cautiously. "She had some things on her mind when we talked last. I just wanted to know if she needed to talk again."
"Well, I'm sure if Anne needs you, she'll call you," replied Gilbert nonchalantly. "She's probably mulling over whatever yet. Give her time."
At that moment Anne decided she had eavesdropped long enough. She turned to head back the way she had come. Thinking over, or as Gilbert had put it—"mulling over"—the scene she had just witnessed, Anne realized how much she missed the comradity between the four of them—Fred and Gilbert always teasing her and Diana, how much fun and mischief they would have or get into. Anne let out a huge sigh; yes, things were different now. She had Roy who was her ideal and she loved him deeply. I suppose some things have to be sacrificed for love, she thought. Yet why do I feel so utterly disappointed? I have everything I could want. Roy's a dream come true, and I couldn't be happier. So why do I feel so constricted? He hasn't even asked me yet to marry him. This is ridiculous! I shouldn't be worried over something that has yet to happen . . . should I? she questioned herself. But before Anne could continue her internal debate any longer, a figure in the distance was coming towards her down the lane. Shading her eyes so she could make out whom or what was heading towards her, Anne was rather shocked to see who it really was.
Marilla Cuthbert was walking down Lover's Lane in search of Anne. She felt a need to come find her and talk with her, though she couldn't just say why at the time. Thinking it best to do it without Rachel Lynde's all hearing ears and all seeing eyes about, Marilla had cleaned up her dishes and told Rachel she was going to check on some things in the barn. Not giving it much thought, Rachel dismissed it and continued on with her work unaware what Marilla's real intentions were.
Meeting up with each other, Anne greeted Marilla with a puzzled face. "Marilla, what are you doing out here? Is everything alright?"
"Oh, fine; things are just fine," Marilla answered easily. "I was actually wondering how you were doing," she said as they began to walk slowly side by side while she glanced at her girl sideways. "You've been awful quiet for the past week. I know you have some things on your mind and I've let you be, but I had this feeling fifteen minutes after you left that you could use a different pair of ears to listen to you," she casually added as a wry smile broke out across her face.
Anne let out a heavy sigh. "Well," she began, "where do I begin?" She paused for a moment deciding to take the risk and explain things to Marilla. "How about hearing rumors that Roy's going to propose some time during the break? I don't even know how I feel about it, and he hasn't done it yet. I know I'm over-reacting about something that hasn't happened yet, but for the life of me I honestly don't know why I'm worried about it. You would think I'd be nervously excited about it all." She paused again for a moment to catch her breath and her thoughts. Quietly and thoughtfully she added, "Maybe that's why I'm so worried."
Marilla took a deep breath as she comprehended Anne's flood of words. "Anne, I think you answered your own question. You're over-thinking things in your mind," she answered slowly. "But I think there's another underlying layer to this all," she cautiously stated as she came to a halt.
Anne stopped in her tracks too. "Underlying layer?" she questioned, her face written with confusion.
"Yes," Marilla replied as she began to walk, "you know who I'm referring to."
Puzzled still for another moment, Anne guffawed as she realized who Marilla was referring to. "Gilbert Blythe?" she asked astonished as she caught up with her. "Why would he be an underlying layer to this? We're only friends, nothing more."
Marilla sighed. When will this girl see the plain truth, she asked the powers that be as she glanced skyward before closing her eyes briefly before answering. "Because he's your best friend who loves you—faults and all. For the past two years you've hardly mentioned him in conversation and he hardly ever phones or comes over, so I know something's happened between you." Marilla paused for a few seconds to let things settle in Anne's mind before continuing. "Apparently this riff between you two bothers you more than you have let on, Anne. Whatever it was, let it go. Don't be stubborn and proud anymore. You'll regret walking down the same path I did many years ago someday."
Anne halted in the middle of the field. "How do you know he loves me?" she quietly asked.
Now it was Marilla's turn to stop. She turned around to face and answer her girl. "Everyone knows, Anne. It's obvious in the way he acts around you. So don't throw it all away on some ideal that doesn't exist," she finished before walking on.
Anne stood frozen in place. She couldn't believe what Marilla was saying. Everyone knew, no knows, Gilbert Blythe's in love with her? Was that even true? she asked herself. I knew he liked me as more than a friend, but . . . he loves me?
Marilla, who was now several yards ahead of Anne, turned back to see if she was coming. "Anne, don't stand there and gawk all day," she called to her before turning around.
"Marilla," Anne slowly spoke as she began to walk towards her. "He . . . he can't still love me, can he? Surely not. Why, he's been going around campus with another girl! And I love Roy," she tried to rationalize.
Sighing impatiently, Marilla replied, "You have tricked something out of that imagination of yours that you call love. Don't let your imagination trick you into believing in something that doesn't exist, Anne. Don't sacrifice your happiness for it. You'll pay and pay for it someday when you open your eyes and see that it's too late."
Hearing the cold frank truth rattled Anne's nerves to the very core of her being. Yet she couldn't deny it; Marilla was right, at least about some things. How does that old adage go? Sometimes the truth hurts. Anne hoped all future truths didn't hurt like this one. "Marilla, I'm not sacrificing my happiness, or at least I'm trying not to," Anne said in her defense. "I've always thought I've learned from your mistakes."
"Just don't continue down my lonely path, Anne," Marilla advised as she wrapped an arm around Anne's shoulders.
"Oh Marilla, you aren't really lonely, are you?" asked Anne as she stopped and turned to look at the older woman she's known as the closest thing to a mother she's ever had.
"Not since you arrived," Marilla answered wryly with a touch of sadness, a few tears building up in her eyes.
Anne blinked and looked away; she truly felt sympathy for her.
"Now, come along Anne," said Marilla as she started to walk towards the barn from the woods. "A nice warm cup of tea will warm you right up."
Following in silence, Anne headed towards the old farmhouse wondering if she did clear her mind on her walk or if she just cluttered it even more.