Title: The Wrong Emotion
A/N: I am pleased to inform you that there will be a bittersweet Mergana moment in this chapter. I decided to cut back on the bloody teasing a little bit and give you all a taste of the sweetness that is Merlin and Morgana. But only a taste. Hope you all enjoy this one. Let me know!
-McDiggin'It
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Chapter Twelve:
...
Upon entering the unfurnished flat, Arthur knew instantly that Morgana had taken the news of Merlin and Freya's engagement a lot harder than he had originally thought.
When Gaius had broken the news to them, Morgana was the first person they looked at. For a moment, Arthur had thought she was going to faint. Her face drained of all color, her eyes immediately began to form tears, and he's pretty sure she had stopped breathing for a few moments. And then she had stormed out of the house, practically sprinting towards her car and hightailing it out of there before they could stop her.
Gwen had gone to her house that same day to check and see if Morgana was alright. She hadn't told him much of what happened, but she had assured him that Morgana was okay.
Sighing heavily, he looks around the living room, eyes sweeping sympathetically over the mess. Clearly, she is not as okay as she says she is.
Among a bunch of moving boxes, are several chinese takeout boxes, pizza boxes, empty beer cans, half eaten ice cream cartons, and popcorn littering the home of his friend. If he didn't know better, he would've thought the flat belongs to a man.
"Morgana?" He calls cautiously through the foyer. He doesn't get an answer. He's about to call out again, but Gwen stops him as she comes up behind him and asks him to wait in the living room while she goes to check the bedroom. He nods, moving to sit on a single couch by the fireplace. At least it's warm.
Gwen opens the bedroom door quietly and peeks inside. It's dark, save for a little bit of sunlight shining through a crack by the window. She quickly moves to the window and pulls the curtains back. Light instantly spills into the room and she turns to find a large Queen sized bed in the corner, and a lump under the sheets and blankets.
She frowns, walking over to the lump and poking it fearfully.
"Is she alive?" Arthur asks from the doorway, nearly scaring the everloving crap out of Gwen. She doesn't answer as she pokes the lump again, this time taking a step back as the lump begins to move and groan. A few moments later, dark tangled hair emerges from beneath the blankets, and Gwen let's out a gasp as Morgana shakes her hair away from her face. Dark mascara smeared her cheeks, red puffy eyes, all evidence of the tears she had undoubtedly cried over the past 3 days.
"Whaaaat?" She groans, making a face as she blinks at her friends through squinted eyes.
"Oh dear." Arthur mutters from the doorway as he enters the room and closes the door behind him. "You don't look so good." He comments, giving Morgana the once over. She's still in her pajamas, looking like a bear coming out of hibernation... Well, if Bears had long dark hair and green eyes.
The girl snorts humorlessly as she lays back against her fluffy white pillows. "I don't feel so good either."
"Probably because you haven't gotten out of bed since I left you here." Gwen cuts in.
"I did get out of bed!" Morgana protests, and Gwen raises a skeptical brow at her.
"Getting up to use the bathroom and occasionally binge eat everything in your refrigerator doesn't count."
Morgana opens her mouth to protest, then, realizing she got nothing, closes her mouth again.
Gwen sighs frustratedly. "Morgana, this has gone on long enough!" She scolds.
Morgana's lips quiver as she stares down at her sheets, "A day of staying in bed all day is nearly not enough." She mutters.
Gwen's face softens as she sits down by her friends legs. "That may be true, but it's been 3 days, Sweety."
Morgana groans again, this time louder than ever. "Does that mean I'm fired too?"
"No." Arthur answers with a comforting smile. "We informed Merlin that you're sick, and he asked us to let you know that he's giving you 2 whole days off to recover."
"How nice of him." Morgana says sarcastically, rolling her eyes as she sits up and looks around her incomplete bedroom to avoid the pitiful looks they were giving her.
"Look, we know you don't want to do anything, but we both think it's best for you to get out of the house for a little bit and do something to get your mind off of..." Gwen trails off, biting her lip. "Well, you know what."
Morgana sniffles lightly and glances up at her friends. She's so grateful for them, always taking care of her, calling her at all hours even if she doesn't answer, and making sure she's alive. But she's mostly grateful that they haven't mentioned the large purple elephant she so desperately wishes didn't exist. "What did you both have in mind?"
Before Gwen could answer, Arthur chimes in quickly, "How about a little trip to the pub down the street?"
Gwen rolls her eyes at Arthur and looks at Morgana, "What he meant to suggest, was that we should go to a nice restaurant and-"
"No." Morgana shakes her head and looks at Arthur. "I want to go to the pub."
Gwen is surprised, but doesn't protest. If her friend needs a drink, then she'll make sure she gets her a bloody drink. "It's settled then... Pub it is. But first, you need to take a bath and put on something nice while Arthur and I clean up your mess of a living room, and after we eat whatever I can whip up from the remnants of your refrigerator, we'll go."
Morgana feels tears rising in her eyes and spilling down her cheeks as she smiles at her friends. "What would I ever do without you two?"
"Probably continue sleeping until your landlord finds you fading into the sheets." Arthur shrugs with a teasing smirk. A moment later, one of Morgana's pillows hits him in the face and they all begin to laugh, momentarily forgetting about Morgana's problem.
...
Merlin was angry. Furious really. He hadn't been able to sleep for the past 2 days because every time he would try, he'd get this burning feeling that he's forgetting to do something. He'd gotten up more than once in the middle of the night, pacing his room and trying to remember. It was like an itch he couldn't scratch, and it was frustrating.
It started when he was having a conversation with Arthur, and he mentioned Morgana being sick. The moment he heard those words, something he can't quite explain began to form in his chest, growing heavier and heavier with each passing minute. He couldn't tell what the hell it was, but he knows it has something to do with his assistant.
And now here he is, in his office, staring at Morgana's empty desk. For some reason, he felt the strong urge to go and see her. But he forces himself not to go anywhere. First of all, he's supposed to be working. Second, why should he go see her? She's not his to see. Freya is! And yet, not once did Freya cross his mind unless she was calling or texting him. And he feels horrible. Guilty. Like he's cheating even if he's not. It's all so confusing and he finds a headache growing rapidly in his skull. Sighing heavily, he ends up dialing Arthur's number and waiting impatiently for the other man to pick up.
"Merliiiin!" Arthur drawls loudly. "To what do I owe the pleasure of this call?" Obviously, the man is highly intoxicated.
"Where are you?" Merlin asks curiously. He could hear running water and-.
"Right now, I'm taking a leak." Arthur laughs.
Merlin huffs, rolling his eyes. "You're drunk, aren't you?"
"Yep." There is no hesitation in Arthur's voice. The man knows his tolerance levels.
"Where?"
There's a hiccup followed by a loud burp before Arthur replies, "I'm at the 'Men's Den', the pub we went to that other ni-"
"I know." Merlin interrupts as he gets up and grabs his coat. Clearly, he isn't going to get any work done what with the other girl invading his thoughts, so perhaps a drink is what he needs to get rid of it. "I'll be there in 15 minutes. I need a drink."
...
Morgana grins in satisfaction as she sets down her 6th shot of whiskey. She glances at Gwen, and the girl is giggling at Arthur as he tries to eat a couple of peanut shells. Luckily, Gwen stops him. Out of the 3 of them, Arthur was the hammered one.
He's absolutely unable to function, she is just above tipsy, and Gwen is barely even close to being tipsy. But then again, she and Arthur are the ones who are really drinking. Gwen is just sipping on a Martini.
"Hey!" Arthur says suddenly, his eyes wide and his eyebrows raised as if remembering something. "Guess who called me while I was in the loo?"
Gwen and Morgana give him a questioning look, although they aren't really taking him seriously.
"You'll never guess!" Arthur laughs, bouncing around in his seat with a wide grin.
Gwen sighs and rolls her eyes at him, "Okay, we give up."
"But you didn't even try!" Arthur looks so disappointed, Gwen is almost tempted to just play his little game.
Morgana cuts in, having a feeling that this is going to take a while so she chides him, "Just humor us, Arthur."
He pouts, folding his arms before finally groaning, "Fine... It was-"
"Merlin?"
The blonde man is surprised at Gwen's ability to guess exactly who it was. "Yes! How did you know?"
"No. It's Merlin!" Gwen hisses, pointing a finger across the room where she sees a tall, pale figure in a dark coat, his blue eyes squinted as he searches the bar.
Both Morgana and Arthur's head snaps in the direction where Gwen is pointing and Arthur jumps up out of his seat as he calls the other man's name. "Merlin!"
Gwen laughs, shaking her head, but stops abruptly at the look on Morgana's face. Like the day Gaius had told them of Merlin and Freya's engagement party, Morgana's face has gone pale, and her eyes are wide as she stares across the room at Merlin. This is not good, Gwen notes.
..
It takes a moment, but Merlin finally spots the blonde man by the bar over the sea of people crowding the pub. Making his way over, he keeps his head down, not wanting anyone to stop him for a dance or a conversation.
He raises his head as he nears the bar, then stops dead in his tracks when he sees two other people with Arthur. One of them, happens to be the reason he needs a drink, and she's staring right at him.
Again, the unfamiliar feelings grow inside his chest as he continues to stare at her staring at him.
Arthur stumbles up beside him and throws an arm around his shoulder as he leads them back to his seat beside the 2 girls. "So! What happened and why do you need a drink, mate?"
Merlin swallows hard, ignoring the questions as he turns his head slightly towards Gwen and smiles at her. What he's really doing, is looking at the girl beside her with his peripherals. "Hello, Gwen." He greets, then turns to look at Morgana, and he swears, his heart skips a beat. He doesn't know why, but he knows it's not normal. "Morgana." He nods to her and she blinks rapidly at him as if realizing he was speaking to her.
"I have to go." She says so quickly, he has to take a moment to process exactly what she said. It seems, his brain doesn't need alcohol to be slow today. By the time he's done processing his thoughts, he realizes that Morgana has left her seat and is halfway across the bar, with Gwen hot on her heels.
Arthur blinks at him. "Wow... I've never met anyone who could make not one, but two girls run away from him in under a minute." He teases with a chuckle. "That's impressive, Merlin!" He raises a hand and holds it up for a high five.
"Piss off, clotpole." Merlin rolls his eyes as he turns and heads toward the direction of the door.
"What did I do?" Arthur protests, then grabs his coat and follows Merlin to the door.
...
Merlin sees her standing at a curb with Gwen, her head in her hands as she shakes her head and says something to Gwen. He can't hear her, but he's pretty sure she's crying. He knows he doesn't do well with crying girls. He avoids them at all costs. But his feet move of their own accord, carrying him straight to the crying girl.
Gwen gives him a questioning look, but he could detect a bit of anger from her as well. "Is everything okay?" He asks tentatively, and from the corner of his eye, he sees Morgana's body go rigid. Clearly this has something to do with him.
"Everything is fine, Merlin." Gwen says quickly, then gives him a disapproving look like he'd just done something wrong.
"Are you sure?" He finally looks at Morgana again, and she's dropped her hands, but her head is still down and her hair is in her face. "She doesn't look okay."
At that, Morgana looks at him, and her eyes are red and full of anger. He takes a cautious step back, but doesn't get very far before she snaps at him. "What do you want, Merlin?!"
He's taken aback. What did I do?! "I just wanted to know-"
"Well that's just it, isn't it Merlin?" Morgana cuts him off. Gwen stays silent, watching her friend take a step towards the man. She sees Arthur stopping a few feet away and backtracking a few extra steps. She doesn't blame him. "You want to know things, but won't even try because you're too full of yourself!"
"What are you-" Merlin begins spluttering, wondering what the hell is happening, how it's happening, and why it's happening to him.
"No!" Morgana snaps at him with an accusing finger. "You do not get to speak, move, or even breathe until I'm done, you bloody idiot! God, I can't even stand you right now!"
He feels like a child being chastised by his mother for doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing. And he's so confused and lost. He glances at Gwen for help, but the girl only takes a step back and shakes her head. He glances at Arthur, but the bloody idiot is grinning drunkenly at him. Looking back at Morgana, she looks absolutely livid, although he sees a hint of pain and sadness in her eyes.
She shakes her head and pushes him back a little, too tired to try harder. "Do you have any idea how hard it's been for me these past couple of weeks? To spend every single day at the hospital, waiting for you to wake up. And when you finally did, you didn't even remember me!" Tears sting in her eyes and cascade down her cheeks. She swipes angrily at them and glares at Merlin. She side-glances at Gwen, watching her friend slip away and go to Arthur, pulling him back towards the pub. It's just her and Merlin now. And though she still feels a bit buzzed from her drinks, her anger, frustrations, and pain overpowers it.
Merlin is looking confusedly at her, his eyes wide and his mouth hanging open. "I don't understand." Really, he doesn't. She's just his assistant, right? So why is she taking everything so personal? Better yet, what the hell is she talking about?
Morgana laughs humorlessly, shaking her head and looking down at her hands. "And maybe you never will." She turns to walk back into the bar and find Gwen and Arthur for a ride home, but a hand wraps around her wrist, pulling her back.
"Wait."
She looks at him, her eyes wide and her mouth open as hope spreads across her chest. Has he remembered something?
He stares at her for a long moment, eyes searching hers for something he doesn't even know. "I- I don't- I can't remember." And he can't. He's wanted to remember everything since he awoke from his coma, but he hasn't. And right now, he wants to remember more than ever.
Morgana's hopes deflate instantly, and she gently pulls her wrist from his fingers. "I don't expect you to... Not anymore."
She walks away, and though her heart screams at her to hold on, to wait, to not give up; her brain, the more rational part of her tells her it's probably time to let go.
...
Gaius sighs heavily as he watches his nephew lightly bang his own forehead into the dining table. The elder man feels slightly sympathetic of the young man as Freya talks animatedly on her phone to some such caterers about an engagement cake. Like what the blue blazes is an engagement cake, and who the bloody hell does that?
It's been 2 weeks since Merlin had walked into the living room and told him that he just did the most insane thing in his life, and proposed to Freya on impulse.
The old man remembers nearly choking on the part of the tea that he hadn't spewed in Merlin's face at the news.
~•~•~
"What the bloody hell did you just say?"
Merlin had given the old man an unamused look as he took some paper towels and dried his face off. "I said I kind of proposed to Freya last night."
Gaius stared at the young man for a long while before snapping out of his daze. "You can't kind of propose to someone, Merlin. You either did, or you didn't."
"Look, I just suggested that we get married, and she said yes, alright?!" Merlin snaps in frustration.
The elder man cocked his head to the side and observed his nephews body language. "You don't look very happy about it."
Merlin sighed, shook his head and leaned forward onto the counter. "I don't know, Gaius... I just- I'm so lost right now. It's like I know that there's something I'm missing, I know that I want to find whatever that is, but I don't know what it is... And I thought that maybe it was Freya, so-"
"So you proposed to her." Gaius finished for him.
Merlin nodded and looked at his uncle desperately, tears collecting in his eyes. "I hate feeling like this. Like I'm so close to figuring it out, and yet I'm still so very far... Still empty."
"It's because you don't remember." Gaius told him honestly.
"Yeah well, my doctors said that some things weren't meant to be remembered."
Gaius quirked an eyebrow at Merlin. "And which doctor told you this?"
The younger man shrugged, "I can't remember which one Freya told me."
This was news to the old man. "Freya told you?"
"Yes. She said my doctor told her to try and convince me to stop trying to remember things because it could damage my ability to think at all."
Interesting. Gaius stared at his nephew, wondering how clueless he could be. "And when did she tell you this?"
Merlin shrugged again, "A few weeks ago... Said she spoke to my doctor because she wanted to find out my progress with the whole memory loss thing or something."
He really is clueless. Gaius sighed heavily and shook his head. "So you stopped trying a few weeks ago, because Freya told you to?"
Merlin nodded, "I know you don't like really like her like Arthur, Gwen, and Morgana obviously don't, but Freya wouldn't lie to me about something so serious... And I think It makes sense that overthinking might cause damage to my brain."
So. Very. Clueless. Gaius almost felt sorry for him. Perhaps the accident had really damaged more than just memories.
"Do you really think that proposing to Freya will take away this emptiness you feel?"
Merlin didn't answer for a long time. When he finally did, he looked so tired, his age not even matching the weariness in his features. "No... Yes." He shook his head harshly in frustration. "I don't even know...But I can't do anything about it now. She's already planning an engagement party."
Gaius had went to protest, but Merlin's phone had begun blaring it's ringtone, "It's Freya." Merlin sighed, and their conversation ended there.
~•~•~
Gaius ponders Merlin's answer to his question. Merlin's first answer was 'No'. His mind had subconsciously pushed out the first thing he thought of the question, and that's all Gaius needed to hear to know that Merlin is not in love with Freya. If he was, there would have been no hesitation, and his first answer would've been yes.
Gaius has nothing against Freya. She's nice enough if you're Merlin or related to Merlin, but she's a little rude and kind of demanding. He wasn't about to just sit around and let his nephew marry someone he didn't really love.
Picking up his phone, he dials Guinevere and waits patiently for an answer.
"Hello?" The girl drawls.
"Guinevere!" He greets with a smile. The girl is sweet and very polite.
"Hello, Gaius! How are you?"
"I'm fine, dear. And yourself?"
"I'm doing good." The girl answers.
"Good, good. Now that we've got the basics out of the way, I wanted to speak to you and Arthur about something. Is it possible for you both to stop by tonight around 6?"
There's a pause before she answers like she's wondering exactly why he's asking for just her and Arthur. "Of course! Should we bring anything?"
"Just yourselves, dear... And don't tell Morgana."
...
"It's Freya."
Morgana looks curiously at her friend as they sit down to have lunch together. "What?"
"She's the problem. I don't know what it is she's doing or telling him, but she's the reason Merlin won't even try to remember." Gwen says lowly. She glances past Morgana and to Merlin's desk, seeing the blue eyed man look up and catch her eye before looking away quickly.
"And how do you know this?" Morgana questions curiously.
Gwen shrugs, "Little birdie told me."
Morgana sighs tiredly and looks at her food, poking at it as her appetite quickly diminishes. "It doesn't even matter anymore, Gwen."
Gwen blinks at Morgana, eyes wide as she lays her plastic utensils down. "You're not giving up, are you?"
Morgana stays silent, still poking her food.
"Are you?" Gwen questions again. Again, no answer. The olive skinned girl widens her eyes as she reaches forward and takes Morgana's pale hand in hers. "Morgana, you can't."
"And why not?" Morgana asks defensively. "It's already clear what Merlin wants, and it's definitely not remembering me."
"But that's just it!" Gwen protests, refusing to drop the topic until it's resolved. "He doesn't remember, Morgana... If he did, he would be with you in a heartbeat."
"And how would you know that?" Morgana hisses angrily.
There's a small pause, and then Gwen gives her friend a small smile, "Because I've seen how he used to look at you before he forgot. I saw the way he talked to you, the way he acted around you, the look on his face as you walked away with Arthur after he saved you from drowning, the way he looked like he hadn't slept all night on the morning after, and he tracked me down and asked how you were doing. I saw those roses he sent you, and I knew then how much he cares about you... And I also saw the way you looked at him, defended him, cared for him even when you wouldn't admit it. I saw how happy you looked the morning you found out that Merlin sent you roses. And I saw how finding out he forgot about you, took a toll on you... And you never gave up."
Morgana has tears in her eyes, and she quickly wipes them away before they could fall. Everything Gwen is saying hits home with her. But she really has no choice here. "Freya is his fiancée." She points out dejectedly.
Gwen shakes her head, "Not yet she isn't.. Well, at least not publicly. The engagement party is tomorrow, Morgana."
Morgana refrains from groaning out loud at the reminder, mindful of the fact that Merlin is right on the other side of a single double-paned glass. "That doesn't exactly make me feel better." She says instead.
Gwen chuckles and stabs her fork into a cherry tomato from her salad. "Do you love Merlin?" She asks before popping the red fruit in her mouth and chewing.
Morgana raises an eyebrow at her friend, challenging her to push more buttons. "It doesn't matter." She says instead.
Gwen rolls her eyes at that, swallowing her food as she waves a hand at her friend. "Answer the question, Morgana. Do. You. Love. Merlin?"
A single traitorous tear escapes her eye and she can't lie anymore as she looks through the glass towards the subject of their discussion. Without further hesitation, she looks back at her bestfriend and nods. "With everything left in me."
Gwen smiles satisfactorily. "Good. Because we have a plan."
Morgana gives her an alarmed and questioning look, "A plan?" She asks incredulously. "For what? And who is 'we'?"
"'We', is Gaius, Arthur, and I."
Morgana stares incredulously at her friend. "Wait, what?"
"Yes, Morgana. We've been conspiring behind your back since yesterday." Gwen snorts at the look on Morgana's face.
"Conspiring what exactly?"
Gwen nods towards Merlin as he gets up from his desk and heads their way. She presses a finger to her lips and leans over to whisper in Morgana's ear just as Merlin appears at the doorway and Morgana looks at him with wide eyes.
"We're getting you your man back."
...
A/N: Exciting chapter coming up, if you must know. Hope you liked this one. Let me know! Love you all!
-McDiggin'It