Monica set her small clutch purse down on her kitchen table as Ross turned on the light overhead. Rachel reached for her friend.

"Monica, sweetie, talk to us, please," she said, gently grabbing Monica's arm and turning her toward them. She threw Ross a pensive glance, which was mirrored on his face. Monica hadn't said anything on the cab ride back to the apartment, just looking out the window, and they were both worried.

Monica forced her eyes to focus on her friend. She gave her a sad smile then dropped her head. Rachel pulled her to her as Ross put a hand around his sister's shoulder. The hug was brief as Monica took a few deep breaths.

"Oh, Mon," Rachel said, shaking her head as she saw tears fill Ross's eyes. She wiped her eyes and gently pushed Monica's shoulders back, attempting to look into her face.

"There's still so much there," Rachel said softly, as gently as she could, "between you and…him. I think…maybe…there might be a chance…"

Monica just shook her head.

"I had my chance, Rachel," Monica said sadly, finally lifting her eyes to her. "He's…he's with…someone else and that's…that's…"

"But…but, Mon, you still love him!" Rachel implored, tears in her eyes. "You…oh, God, seeing you two together tonight was…"

"Tonight was goodbye," Monica whispered firmly, blinking back her tears, and briefly shaking her head. "That's what it was, Rach. It was goodbye to…us, our…to us."

She swallowed hard as Ross, tears in his eyes, came around and put his hands over both her shoulders. He looked sorrowfully at Rachel.

"He's with…her and…and I…it's time for me to…accept that it…it really is…it's…it's over," Monica sucked in her breath. Then she grinned through her tears. Ross and Rachel both had lumps in their throats.

"At least I'll have tonight to remember and not…" she started, then took a deep breath again. She sighed as she wiped her eyes. "I know he's…OK. I know he's…he's h-happy and he's…loved, even If I'm not the one (she cleared her throat)…we'll be friends. We'll all…we'll all see him more often now, I know we will. He'll, he'll keep in touch."

She briefly closed her eyes as she jerked her head to the side. She pressed the back of her hand to her lips then placed it over Ross's on her shoulder. He moved in front of her and she clasped both their hands.

Rachel's watery eyes glanced at Ross as he cleared his throat, finally finding his voice.

"You are going to let him go back to California tomorrow without telling him how you feel? Without asking him how he feels?" Ross asked, softly but firmly. Monica nodded.

"Why?" Ross asked, shaking his head.

Monica took a deep breath and smiled sadly at her brother, her voice thick as she answered.

"Because I love him," she said softly, "and because I love him, I have to let him go."

Ross and Rachel looked at one another, at a loss as to what to say next, both their hearts breaking. Finally Monica stepped away from them and offered a small, sympathetic smile.

"Please, don't worry about me, OK?" she said. Ross snorted and shook his head.

"Really, I will be OK," Monica said, with a determined nod. Then she looked back into their worried faces. "I do want to be alone now, though, OK? I'll be OK, I promise. I just need…"

"I don't know if, if leaving you alone is a good idea, Mon," Ross protested.

"Ross, I'm OK. I will be OK," she assured him. "Please? Just for a little while."

Ross turned to Rachel. She sighed, after one more pensive glance at her friend.

"OK, we'll…we'll go get some coffee, but we'll be back soon…" she said. "We'll be right downstairs…"

Monica nodded. "OK. OK, that's fine. I just need some…time."

Rachel nodded and squeezed her hands. Ross leaned over and gave her a kiss on the forehead, and she gave them a small smile as they walked out the door.

Once they were gone Monica stood alone in the middle of the apartment, their apartment, the place she'd been the happiest in her life and swallowed hard.

Then she dried her eyes and walked into her bedroom. Slowly she unzipped her dress and took off her slip. She kicked off her shoes and took out the bobby pins in her hair, shaking it gently as it cascaded over her shoulders. She folded her slip and placed it on top of the dresser, opening a drawer and pulling out an old t-shirt and sweatpants.

Monica walked over to her closet to hang up her new dress. She dug through the hangers in the back to find an appropriate one for her dress, knowing exactly what else she'd find buried deep within.

After she'd hung up her dress, she pulled out three other hangers, looking at the dress shirts clinging to them in the moonlight now streaming in through her window. She smiled softly, running her fingers lovingly over the fabric of each. They were all she'd kept after she'd finally packed up his clothes and shipped them to his mother's more than two years ago.

That first year he was gone she wore one to bed every night, always in the same order - the blue one he was wearing they day they came home from London, the khaki one he was wearing when he declared he loved her in front of everyone and the short-sleeved shirt he had on when he asked her if they could move in together.

They didn't hold his smell anymore, and she hadn't worn any of them in a long time, but she never felt ready to let them go. Until now. Now Monica knew she should. Now it was time.

She took one last, long look at the tangible memories of the past, then she cleared her throat. She took them off the hangers and folded them, one by one, on her bed. Then she pulled out a bag from the floor of her closet, placing them gently inside, with plans to donate them at the first opportunity she had.

Monica placed the bag back at the bottom on her closet and hung the hangers back inside.

After she closed the closet door she walked over to her bed, laying down on her back, her eyes bright as they stared at the ceiling, her heart replaying their dance in her mind. As she closed her eyes she could hear the music, she could feel his arms around her holding her tight against his body. She could hear his pounding heart against her ear.

She could feel his love, then she could feel him letting go. Tears stung her eyes, but Monica refused to let them fall. She took deep, gulping breaths and willed her body to calm down once again.

Finally she sighed and turned on her side, pulling a pillow against her chest, wrapping her arms around it. Her heart was pounding hard but her eyes were clear as she stared through the dark at the bedroom wall and for the very first time honestly thought about what the rest of her life was going to be like…without Chandler.

###

"I don't understand you," Joey said in disbelief, shaking his head over his beer, the dim lights of the dive bar they found themselves in casting shadows over the clouds on his friend's face.

Chandler shifted uncomfortably on the bar stool, his eyes never leaving the bottle in his hands.

"I've…I've moved on, Joe," he said quietly, taking a half-sip of his beer. "I…I'm in California. I'm in a different…place…a new…relationship…I…"

"I know, I know," Joey interrupted, then asked hesitantly. "I guess it's pretty serious with you two then, huh?"

Chandler half-nodded, half-shrugged.

"Yeah," he said carefully. "Yeah, I mean, I care about her a lot, and the kids…."

He stopped and grinned. Inwardly Joey groaned. It was clear from what Monica had told them about seeing him in San Francisco that Chandler was pretty taken with the little tykes.

"They're just great," Chandler said, taking another sip of his beer. "I mean, she's divorced and we're taking it really, really slow, but it's been about six months now. Felicia, she…she's a really great person."

"I'm sure she is," Joey sighed before taking a swig of his beer.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Chandler seemingly studying his drink, Joey sensing the last hopes of Monica and Chandler ever being Monica and Chandler again fading fast.

Finally, Joey nodded, picking up where he left off.

"I'm sure Felicia is great and the kids are, ya know, totally cute, but I have to ask…" he hesitated just a moment, looking pensively at Chandler. "Do you love her? Felicia? Do you love her like you loved Monica?"

The words hung between them for a moment or two, neither making a move as the question seemingly froze in mid-air. Then Chandler glanced sideways at Joey, before staring into his beer once again. Joey practically held his breath as his friend finally let out a deep sigh.

"I'll never love anyone like I loved Monica," he said softly, tears stinging his eyes. He blinked them back. God, coming to New York, coming back into his old world had turned his heart into the colossal cluster he knew it would, his friend's instincts making it just that much worse.

Joey huffed a couple times, grappling with how to respond. The look on Chandler's face was as tortured as the look Monica wore since they broke up. At that moment there was no longer a doubt in Joey's mind that there was some hope left. Monica had never gotten over Chandler, and he was pretty damn sure now the feeling was completely mutual, no matter stoic the two tried to be earlier in the evening when the gang was all together.

"Then I don't get it," Joey said, aggravation creeping into his voice. "She's still so damn in love with you, Chandler…"

"No," Chandler shook his head quickly from side to side, fighting off the pain those words ignited in his heart. "We'll…we can be friends now, again. She…she will move on with…someone…new, better. Someday. I gotta…I have to believe that…"

"Why?" Joey said after a moment, confused. "Why do you have to believe that?"

Chandler refused to answer, staring intensely at his beer bottle. Joey sighed.

"No, she won't," he continued. "She hasn't since you left. God, Chandler, can't you see it? Can't you see it written all over her face? We can see it, we all see it. We've lived with it…"

"Joey…" Chandler said wearily, putting his elbow on the bar top and rubbing his palm on his forehead.

"You still love her, too," Joey pointed at him, almost knocking his beer over in the process. "Don't even try to tell me you don't!"

"Look!" Chandler said angrily, slapping his palm down on the bar and turning to his old friend. "Joey, I know you want things the way they used to be, and you think we were like this 'golden couple' or something…"

"You were…"

"No, we weren't!" Chandler shot back, raising his voice. "We…we were just…just two people who had it pretty great for a while…"

"She made a mistake, Chandler, a mistake," Joey said, putting his hand on Chandler's arm. "You're gonna punish her forever because she kissed someone else? Hell, even I let you out of the box eventually."

Chandler threw back his head, rolling his eyes at the ceiling, smirking sadly to himself.

"That's not it, Joe."

"Then what? What is it?!"

Chandler looked steadily at Joey's earnest face, taking a long drink of his beer as he did so. Then he took a deep breath. He was just drunk enough, his heart just heavy enough, that everything he was holding back was bound to burst through.

"I…I wasn't…enough…for her then and I wouldn't be…I'm not…who she needs now," Chandler said, trying unsuccessfully to keep the heartbreak out of his voice. Joey just shook his head.

"It's true," Chandler nodded, ignoring Joey's doubtful expression, willing himself to continue. He cleared his throat.

"Do you…remember when I called you…when I got to Nevada?"

Joey's mind took him back to the first time he'd heard his friend's voice since he'd left Monica. It was more than three months after Chandler fled New York. Chandler was completely broken and miserable, and Joey had begged him to tell him where he was.

"Yeah, when you called and I wanted to send you money but you wouldn't tell me where you were?" Joey said, the conversation rushing back to him. Chandler nodded.

"I…" Chandler started, shaking his head in disgust at the memories from that summer. "I…drank my way through my savings and ended up at my Dad's place. I needed…I needed to make some fast cash and you joked about the sperm bank, remember?"

"Yeah…" Joey said slowly, "but if I recall the most important part of that conversation was me telling you that Monica was a complete mess without you and she never went back to Richard."

Chandler nodded.

"You did, yes," he agreed, wincing.

Joey watched anxiously, on the edge of the bar stool, as Chandler tried to find his voice in the wave of emotion he was clearly doing his best to hold back.

"I didn't expect to hear that," Chandler acknowledged quietly, with another nod. Then he took another deep breath. "I was absolutely sure she'd gone back to…him…and when you told me how…upset she was…"

He stopped and swallowed, his lips quivering. His eyes were bright as he ran a hand through his hair.

"I…" he said, his breathing heavy as he tried to get hold of himself. "I was ready to come home then, when you told me that."

Joey's jaw fell open and his eyes widened in shock.

"I was ready," Chandler whispered again, his eyes watering. "I knew I'd really screwed up, big time. I…I was ready to come…home to her and…and beg her to forgive me for…leaving; to try to find what we had and…and make it perfect again. I felt…for the first time in a long time I felt…optimistic."

Joey swallowed hard.

"Dude…why didn't you?" he asked quietly.

Chandler grinned sadly at him.

"I…there was the small matter of the money, I had none, and I…I needed…oh shit, I was a total mess," he admitted. "I needed to, uh, sober up."

"Why didn't you just borrow money from someone? Me? Your Dad?" Joey asked, somewhat incredulous. "God knows I've borrowed enough from you over the years."

Chandler chuckled sadly, then grinned a little at Joey.

"Bings don't borrow money," he said with a shrug. "They sleep with the pool boy and abandon their pre-pubescent sons to disappear with Mr. Garabaldi, but they don't borrow money."

Joey just shook his head.

"Anyway, I…I got my act together after that phone call and I…I'd convinced myself I'd get her back," he said, with a nod. "So, I went to make, ya know, a couple of …deposits and get the quick money I needed to get back here….I thought it'd be easy…"

Joey held his breath.

"And?"

Chandler looked away from him for a moment before turning his sad eyes back to his friend. There was bitterness mixed with resignation in his voice as he replied.

"They ran tests," he said, looking past Joey, then looking down. When he looked up again the pain in Chandler's eyes tore straight through Joey's heart.

"I'm shooting blanks, Joe," he said quietly. "They wouldn't, they couldn't even…I couldn't even…let's just say, they sent me on my way."

Joey just stared at him, not knowing what to say.

"Eventually, I went to a doctor and he confirmed it," he said. "They call it 'low motility' but it's…it's more than that. If…if that was it in-vitro would work, ya know? But, they…they said less than five-percent of my….output is viable."

Joey put his hand on Chandler's shoulder, tears in his eyes as Chandler cleared his throat, blinking several times. Finally, he shook his head as his shoulders slumped.

"I'm…I'm never going to be a father, Joe," he said quietly, sadly. He looked past Joey's shoulder again, the tears on his cheeks reflecting brightly in the small glow of the lights surrounding them. "And…and as much as that really sucks, the worst part is I'm never…I'm never going to be able to make anyone a mother."

He turned and looked directly at Joey.

"I can't do it," he said, lowering his eyes a touch. "I can't be who she needs me to be. I can't be her future. Not then, not now."

"Oh but, Chandler…" Joe started, anxiously moving around on the stool, ready to launch into all the reasons his friend was wrong.

"Joe, put yourself in my place," Chandler said, wiping his cheeks and glaring at him as his emotions and frustration got the best of him. "What was I supposed to do? Come back and…and say 'hey, Mon. I know I'm the immature asshole who disappeared, but I need you back and I want you to forgive me. Oh, but by the way, the one dream you have, that one thing you want more than anything in the world. Yeah, I can't do that…"

He waved one hand dismissively at his friend as his voice caught. Joey closed his eyes and dropped his head.

"When I…when that…sunk in," Chandler continued softly after a moment, looking back at his beer bottle. "I decided I would…well, I could either drink myself to death or move on. So, I left for California. I went as far away as I could. It's best for, for both of us if…what's past stays in the past."

Joey briefly squeezed his eyes closed, shaking his lowered head, trying to take in everything he'd just heard.

"So that's how you've rationalized it?" Joey said finally, understanding dawning on him as he slowly lifted his face to his friend's. "This is what you've told yourself all this time?"

Chandler nodded, raising his eyebrows just a touch at Joey's use to the word "rationalized."

Joey stared at him in disbelief, then sighed.

"Look," Joey finally said softly. "I'm sorry, man, I'm so sorry, but…you know, she loves you so much…"

"No, Joey," he said quickly, cutting him off, rolling his bottle between his hands. "Even if we did…try, she'd end up resenting…she'd regret it. I know she wants to have a baby. I know that hasn't changed. I know she wants to be a mother more than just about anything else and, God, she should. She was made for it, and I can't…I can't do that. I can't give that to her."

"Chandler…"

His friend just shook his head.

"I can't go through it again," he whispered. "I can't put myself back in that…situation, put my heart back out there only to end up in the same place…ending it with her because…ending it with…her…again…"

Joey watched as Chandler picked up his bottle and downed the rest of his beer in one chug. He stood up and dug out his wallet, throwing enough money down to cover his own drinks, then turned to Joey.

"It almost killed me the first time," he said, his voice thick. He stuffed his wallet back into the back of his jeans with one hand and fiercely wiped at the tears in his eyes with the other. "If it…happened again…it would kill me, Joe. I won't…I won't take the risk. I won't let her take the risk. I'm not blind, Joey, I can see it. Dammit, I can feel it. I just…I can't live through it again…I wouldn't live through it again."

"Where are you going?" Joey demanded, standing and fumbling with his wallet to pay his tab as Chandler began to quickly walk out of the bar.

"I gotta go," Chandler said over his shoulder as tears started to fall down his face. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Chandler!" Joey said, as he finally paid and ran out of the bar after him. But when he got outside, Chandler was nowhere to be found.

NOTE: It's really cold out, and this one was ready, so I thought "why not"...