Knock, knock, knock. Is anyone still here? I know it's been a really, really long time since I last posted to this story, I even broke my own 'post once a month' goal. I'm very sorry about that. It's not that this story hasn't been on my mind, because both Lauren and my mom can attest that it has been. I've just had a lot going on personally and professionally (I got ANOTHER promotion, how about them apples?!), so much so that I haven't been able to sit down and give my full attention to this story. And to be honest, I was stuck. Stuck with where I was going with certain elements, stuck with how I wanted other things to play out, etc. It was a conversation with my mom and I kind of creating an end in sight with Lauren that got me motivated to come back. But to go back to the promotion bit, I guess that's where we have a little bit of a dilemma. I've recently been promoted to assistant manager at the store I work at - exciting, right? It's what I've been working towards for three years. But at the same time, it requires more hours at work, more responsibility and extra stress. I love writing, so that'll never change. I'm not going anywhere, I have too many ideas and thoughts and plans. I'm just asking for patience in terms of updating because now instead of three days off a week I'm going down to two. I just ask for patience. You'll be rewarded if you are :). Anyways, that's the end of that rant I suppose. I hope you enjoy this nice and long update! I'm aiming really hard to have the next one up before the middle of November (a month from now), maybe it'll be sooner...guess we'll see how Rachel decides to play along! Anyway, as Finn once said..." the show's gotta go, all over the place or something..." here's the next installment!
Chapter 11
Rachel grit her teeth as she lifted her body into a standing position. Her muscles ached as she stretched out her back. The ache in her legs, in her arms from staying outstretched in front of her for several counts was almost welcome. It was excruciating at first, the pain felt like fire in her muscles and acid in her lungs. But she charged on, went forward and made strides in the last three weeks that she had been at Carmel. She blew out a breath, pushing the long strand of hair that had drifted into her face out of the way.
"Good Rachel, you're making great progress. That was your longest squat yet," Luke, her physical therapist smiled down at her before he wrote her time down on her chart. "How does your knee feel?"
She passed another breath between her lips. "Okay...but I think I need to sit," she chuckled a little. Luke gave her a small smile as she started the slow walk to the chair that was only a few steps away. Rachel grabbed for the bottle of water she had grabbed from the lunch room and twisted off the lid. She brought the bottle to her lips and guzzled down the liquid ferociously. She eyed Luke out of the corner of her eye, watching him scribble notes in her file before tossing it back on the ledge that it had been sitting on. Her knee throbbed a bit, just from the extended use. It wasn't painful, not anymore. When she had begun the physical therapy a few days into her stay at Carmel, the pain had been excruciating. But each day she pushed through, because the physical pain was so much easier to get through. It was something she knew how to do - she knew how to heal her body, she had been doing it for years on her own. It was the mental and emotional pain that continued to beat at her.
It was almost enough to make her crumble. The thought of it made her shake, if she was honest. The thoughts of everything she had been through, everything the girls had been through and are still going through, caused a pain to squeeze her heart that was more than she felt she was strong enough to take. Her girls were everything to her, and to see them continuing to struggle despite everything her parents had done, despite everything she had done from her various beds in the last few weeks. They were suffering, even if they didn't show it. Staying in the hotel was taking its toll on them, that much she could see. Ayla still thought it was some great adventure, an extension of the ones she had gone on with them before. Ione on the other hand - she could see it was causing her little girl to crumble inside - and it scared her the most. More than anything she was going through herself.
Hurt her, sure, but the moment her kids hurt - that took precedence.
She was going home today. Wherever home was. She tried not to think of that, tried not to let her mind wander to all of the uncertainties she felt at the moment. Rachel returned to her room after her session, and she slowly closed the door behind her for some privacy. She closed her eyes as the silence of her room surrounded her, only the sound of the seconds hand moving on the clock on the wall filling the silence. She opened her eyes to her surroundings and pushed her loose hair behind ear. The room was so quiet, something that had taken getting used to over the course of her stay. The hospital had been loud, and her apartment had been noisy, filled with life related sounds that came with living in an apartment building. The silence in her room here was almost deafening. But it was all changing again tonight. And she was ready.
She was feeling stronger, physically, than she had in months or maybe even years despite her outward appearances. The bruises and scabs were gone, the only physical reminders of the trauma she had experienced were the cast on her arm and the brace on her knee. She had made so much progress, but so little at the same time.
She had nightmares, reoccurring ones in which she watched in horror as Brody came at her and beat her to death in various arrangements, with various weapons. Sometimes he attacked the girls, Ione specifically. Those ones, she has been told, she woke up screaming from. Nothing she has tried has made them go away. Dr. Cohen, her main doctor here, has suggested she try medication to ease the burden of even just the nightmares, that cause her to lose sleep. Sleep is most important for her to continue to heal. But medication? It seemed so risky to her, such a big step - one that she wasn't sure she really needed. She just wanted to close this chapter, get on with her life and she was sincerely hoping getting out of here and back with her girls would be all the help she'll need. But she wasn't stupid. Her problems and the nightmares were bigger than anything she has experienced. Dr. Cohen told her the nightmares were a serious side effect of the trauma she had experienced, that she was exhibiting symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. She almost laughed in his face the moment the words slipped from his lips, but at the same time his words gave her even the slightest bit of satisfaction. It meant, finally, someone was listening to her. Someone was hearing her. Someone believed her. Up until now she had felt that all anyone saw was her injuries. It was all anyone had wanted to discuss, focus on. Her injuries, she understood, had been a focal point because the whole lot of them had been serious. But she also knew her situation wasn't going to go away overnight. She knew it was going to take work. She was just unsure how to start building herself back up. It had been so long. Brody had beat her down over the years, tore every piece of her being. He had spent years telling her she was fat, worthless, ugly. It was going to take her forever to bounce back from that. And someone believing her story, someone taking her words into consideration - that was the first step in what would probably be a long journey of steps.
But now it was her time. And she was going to start by going home to her girls. The rest might take time, but it would come together eventually. One step at a time.
As she walked up the hallway beside her father, she felt nervousness flood her being. She tried to walk slowly, keep the weight off her knee. It felt achy from the exercises she had done today, and she sensed that the feeling was only amplified as she got closer to the suite where her girls had been staying. Neither her or her dad said anything as they walked, she could tell he was trying to keep his pace slow so that he didn't walk too far ahead of her. She appreciated the gesture, and it reminded her of her younger years, when it was okay to feel safe, when it was alright to let her guard down. She didn't know how that felt anymore. Her father stopped at a door midway down the long hallway and Rachel felt herself take a deep, cleansing breath.
"Your Mom went to get the girls from school, we could barely get Ayla out of the suite this morning. She was so excited, bouncing up and down. Your mom had to bribe her with a big dinner that includes dessert with three cherries, according to her..." Leroy shook his head at the memory.
"Sounds like Ayla," Rachel smiled. Leroy got the door to the suite open and Rachel followed him inside. A warmth filled her in that moment. She closed her eyes for a moment and just took the second to take it all in. They weren't even in the room, and she could just feel the girls. When she opened her eyes, she took in the surroundings. She noticed a fuzzy blanket laying on the couch that was in the sitting area, a colouring book on the coffee table. She saw a book that she didn't recognize, Wonder, sitting on the small kitchen table in the small kitchen spot. Life had gone on while she was gone. She pushed the feelings that were building down, pushing them to a faraway place to be dealt with at another time. She wasn't going to let circumstances ruin this for her.
"They should be back soon, school let out..."
"I remember what time school gets out," she cut him off quietly.
"Oh, right..." Leroy nodded. "Why don't you take a seat? Ayla really wanted to be the one to show you around. She even tidied up the girls room and everything..."
Rachel nodded. It made her smile a bit, to hear Ayla so excited. But at no mention of Ione's name, her worries that she had carried with her throughout her entire experience seemed to burrow further.
"Do you want a drink? We stocked the fridge a bit...there's juice and water and..."
"I'll just...I'll have water," she sighed. She stretched out her left leg a bit, before bending it again to sit comfortably.
"Do you want me to get you something to rest your knee on? Do you need..."
She shook her head. "I'm fine Dad. Just sore from therapy," she offered him a smile as he nodded at her before turning back to go to the kitchen area for her glass of water. She continued to look around the small space, taking in the furniture and everything in her surroundings. There were things everywhere that reminded her of the girls, but also that reminded her in stark contrast that this was a hotel room. This was temporary. This wasn't a home. Her heart ached as she thought about the turmoil this room had probably seen, thought about how scared she knew her daughters had been not just in the beginning but every night for the past month. It hadn't been easy on any of them, it had been hard enough for her to let them go and be here...but they had overcome. She only hoped that the future would continue on just as positively.
The door beeped only a few minutes later, signaling her Mother's return with the girls. Her dad made it to the couch when the door swung open, and placed the glass of water she had requested just moments ago, and thanks to her thoughts had already forgotten. Rachel turned her body at the sound, so she was facing the door. She wanted to see their reactions when they both laid eyes on her. They knew she was coming home, she had told them when she had seen them the previous night. And it sounded like her parents had reminded them this morning. She still couldn't wait to see them. She heard their voices before they walked in, and she felt her body warm at the thought. Sure, she had seen them pretty much every night after school and even for a few hours on the weekends while she was at Carmel, but this was different. This was permanent. There would be nothing except school and appointments to keep them apart. It was about to be almost, normal. Their new normal.
She almost felt herself tear up when they walked through the door. Their cheeks rosy and hands covered in gloves she didn't recognize and hats she had bought them months ago, they were like a sight for sore eyes. She few ridiculous at the feel of the burn in her eyes, but she couldn't help it. She took a deep shuddered breath as she watched them, watching her. No one moved for a second, the three of them trapped in a silent conversation that made Rachel's heart swell.
"Mommy!" Ayla was the first one to launch at her. "Mommy, you're here!" the giggle that left her lips gave life to Rachel's heart and caused it to fill to the point of almost bursting. "You're here Mommy!" she laughed madly as she bounded over to where she was sitting her couch.
"I am here," she laughed back. She wrapped her arms around Ayla in the moment, carefully hauling the little girl up into her lap. Her throat swelled as Ayla returned the hug excitedly and laid her head on her chest. Rachel closed her eyes at the feeling and gently placed a kiss on the top of her head. This was the feeling she had been waiting for, longing for. This felt like coming home.
She opened her eyes after a few seconds, at the feel of Ayla breaking away from embrace and moving her small hands to each cheek.
"I'm so happy Mommy...wait til you see my room!" her eyes lit up for a second as a giggle exploded from her lips. Rachel chuckled heartily for a moment before she leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Ayla's cheek once more. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Ione standing to the side of the couch with her hands clasped at her waist. A smile peaked at her lips when she caught Rachel staring at her, causing one to appear on her lips that was bigger than before.
"What are you doing all the way over there, sweet girl?" Rachel smiled. "Come here!"
Ione shuffled along the carpet with her hands still clasped at her waist until she was in front of her. Rachel extended her right arm and gently took Ione's arm by the wrist, tugging her forward until she fell into a heap beside her on the couch. Ione fell with a huff and collided with her side a little roughly before sitting up in a hurry. Rachel could see that she was about to apologize, her eyes widening and the tears starting to brim.
"Sweet girl, what..." Rachel looked down at her and lifted her right hand so she could brush away her tears that were piquing at the corners of her eyes rapidly. Ayla scampered off her lap and instead, came to rest on her left side carefully.
Ione sniffled and rubbed her nose with the back of her hand, before she hurriedly wiped at her tears with the pad of her thumb. "Nothing," she offered her a quiet and slow smile. "Nothing Mommy, nothing at all..." she whispered before resting her head on Rachel's shoulder. Rachel gently picked up her arm and wrapped it around her shoulders, pulling her into her side.
Ione curled into her more, so she was resting her chin on Rachel's chest. Rachel moved her hand so it was toying with the ends of Ione's hair in her ponytail.
"I'm glad you're back Mommy," she whispered as she trained her green eyes up on her. "I don't want to be without you anymore," she whispered softly.
Rachel looked down at her intently, and unraveled her arm from around Ayla for a second, leading her to bounce off the couch to get something from their bedroom.
"Never have to again sweet girl," Rachel whispered. Ione sighed happily and curled herself even more into Rachel's side just as Ayla came bounding back into the room with her American Doll in her hand.
She let the girls pick where they wanted to eat. In all honesty, she would have been fine staying at the hotel to eat, maybe ordering room service. She had had a long day, and didn't really feel like going out again. She wanted to reacquaint herself with her girls as their mother, their caregiver. But the look on both Ayla and Ione's faces changed her mind quickly.
"I just want to change...or maybe brush my hair," she murmured as Ayla excitedly ran for the bedroom, screaming about changing her tights because they were too itchy and putting on a pretty headband. Ione, for her part, remained glued to Rachel's side as she had been since they had come home from school.
"You look just fine," Shelby commented. "Well, maybe we could pull your hair back..."
Rachel turned away and let the comment slide off her back. She turned her attention down to Ione who was looking back up at her.
"You going to change or anything sweetheart?" she asked quietly. Ione quickly shook her head and turned her attention down to the jeans she was wearing. She picked at an imaginary spot on her pants as a way to take the attention off of her.
Ayla came barreling back into the room with new bright pink tights and a flowery headband in her dark hair that Rachel didn't recognize.
"Alright, so everyone is ready then?" Leroy's voice filled the room as he walked back from behind them. He clapped his hands together. "Where are we going again?"
Ayla bounced on her toes and grabbed for his arm as she jumped around. "We want to go to Romano's!" she giggled.
"She loves Romano's," Ione mumbled against Rachel's chest.
"What about you?" Rachel asked quietly, not taking her eyes off Ayla's interaction with her father.
"It's okay," she shrugged her shoulders. "Their pasta is good..."
"Well that's good, you'll have to tell me what to get then," Rachel tried to give Ione an encouraging smile.
"Let's go then! I'm so hungry!" Ayla squealed. "Papa, let's go! Forget the slowpokes!" she giggled. "Mama, come on!"
Rachel laughed at Ayla's antics and started to push herself up onto her feet. Ione jumped up faster and stood up to the side of her, extending her hand out to help her to her feet. Rachel couldn't help but smile at the gesture. Even though she was better, and getting better with mobility with her brace, she allowed Ione to help her.
"Thanks sweet girl," she smiled once she was upright. The beam that appeared on Ione's face was enough to satisfy Rachel. Ayla bounced on her toes as she moved slowly towards her and around the couch, before heading for the door.
Once they stepped into Romano's, Rachel knew instantly why the girls liked it so much. It had a home style atmosphere with a distinct Italian theme. She watched with a small smile as the girls followed the handsome waitress with an obviously fake Italian accent though the maze of tables before they came to a booth. Both girls clamoured inside quickly and she followed after Ione, thankful for a moment to be on the edge. She wanted the space to rest her leg, achy now even more so thanks to the small walk to Romano's from the hotel down the street. She sighed as she stretched it out while trying to keep it out of the floor space that would trip another waitress or customer. As she had been on the other side, she could appreciate the struggle.
She took her time flipping through the menu, her stomach grumbling at some of the mouth watering pictures inside. She'd had lunch at Carmel, and while the food was pretty good there, it was subpar at best. She took note as she flipped that her parents didn't seem to need much time with the menu, and neither did Ayla. Ione took a second to flip through before flipping it closed and returning to playing tic tac toe with Ayla, something they had settled in from the moment they sat down.
"I don't know what to order," she mumbled as she flipped the pages. She ignored the prices, or tried to, telling herself not to think about. When she was back on her feet, literally and figuratively, she could worry - but with her parents looking at her intently from the other side of the table she tried to squash it down. That didn't help her decision on what to order though, as everything, expensive or not, looked delicious.
"I'm getting the spaghetti and meatballs, Mommy," Ayla announced as she pressed her crayon to the paper, her tongue coming out as she drew her X with concentration. "It's what I get every time!"
"So you guys have been here a lot?" she questioned. She turned her gaze to her parents. Both of them looked sheepish, but Shelby spoke up quickly.
"Not a lot, just...often," she answered. Rachel kept an eye on her mother as she fidgeted with her menu before reaching for her glass of water that had been brought over right after they sat down. "Just some special dinners, for some special girls," she smiled as she turned to the girls. Rachel furrowed her brow at her Mother, before turning her attention back to trying to decide what to get for herself.
"I think I'm going to try the gnocchi Mommy," Ione braved quietly as she waited for Ayla to play her last X. "It sounds good," she shrugged.
Rachel nodded and turned her menu to look at the page that had a description of the dish Ione had referenced. Yeah, it did sound good.
The waiter returned to take their order and collect the menus. When he left a silence descended over the three adults, while Ayla and Ione moved from tic tac toe to playing hang man. She watched them for a few moments with a contented smile on her face, as Ione tolerated the wrong guesses and watched as Ayla dutifully drew every limb on the stick figure person.
"So, how glad are you to be out, finally?" her mother asked after a few minutes. Shelby leaned forward to take a sip of her water once more.
Rachel tore her eyes away from the girls for second, the smile still on her lips as Ayla quietly cheered when Ione, apparently, got a letter right. She reached forward and took hold of her utensils, peeling the paper that bound them together with the fingertips of her casted hand.
"I'll be even better when I can take this off," she raised her hand in example. "Maybe then I can get back to work or..."
"Work?" her mother's squawk took her by surprise. "Rachel, you just got out of the hospital a few hours ago and now you're talking about..."
Rachel cut her off, leveling a stare at her. "Mom, I know when I got out of the hospital. But I also know that the hospital isn't cheap and I have to repay you somehow," her voice dropped an octave when Ione looked over at her.
"Rachel," Leroy started.
"I have to work, how else will I take care of my girls?" she whispered, her head down.
And it was like that, in that moment, that the real world seemed to slam right in Rachel's face. She saw a look pass between her parents and she just waited, for whatever they were about to say. It was like this when she was younger, they would share a look and then she would hear what they had to say; good, bad, ugly or otherwise. Not that there was much of the latter during her childhood.
"We were thinking, that maybe, you guys would like to come back to Ohio with us..." her mother revealed, her own voice dropping to an octave that Rachel could barely hear.
Rachel dropped her casted arm to the table with a thunk. Both girls jumped in their seats and turned to look at her. An ache crept through her arm that passed quickly, more from the shock absorption than anything else.
"Mom, Dad, I..." she paused as she stumbled over her words. She looked down at her casted arm, and rubbed absently over one of the pictures that Ione and Ayla had drawn on the plaster in the past few weeks. "No," she whispered, before looking up at both of her parents. She didn't miss the broken down and defeated looks on their faces. She swallowed hard as she looked at them but tried to stand firm on what she was thinking and what she had decided.
"No?" her mother asked with a hint of surprise and shock in her tone. Rachel's gaze trailed over to her fathers. His facial expression also showed a look of surprise.
"I've already decided," she started with a whisper. She looked over at the girls who were still in their own little bubble, her heart aching as she looked at Ione distracting Ayla with another game of hangman. They were the reason she had chosen to stay here. New York was the city of dreams, that much she had decided for herself and for the girls. New York was the land of opportunity. It held the most promise, the most help, numerous advantages for her and the girls. And most of all, it was home. Or it could become home.
She took a deep breath before she continued her thoughts out loud. "New York is home, it's where...it's where we need to be," she started softly. "I've...I've talked it over with Mercedes, and even with Dr. Cohen at Carmel and...we're going to get help, here. Both me and the girls can benefit from everything this city can offer. They're going to help us, they're already helping us...I've been seeing a therapist that I'll continue to see and Mercedes is helping me out with finding us a safe place, she's connected me with the housing tribunal and they're going to get us a place..." she rambled, looking at the table once more. It was easier than to read the disappointment etched in her parents faces, particularly her mothers.
Out of her peripheral vision she could see that Ione had turned her body a little, so her back was half to Rachel. Rachel's heart hammered in her ears. A stance that was familiar to her, visions of fights Ione had had to shield Ayla from danced in her memory. In that instant Rachel was sure that if she had been on the end of the booth Ione would have taken Ayla's hand and led her away, to the bathroom or somewhere further away.
"Rachel, we're your family," her mother tried softly. Shelby reached her hand out and Rachel let her take it for a moment, curling her fingers around her mother's for even the briefest of seconds.
"Yes, of course," she stammered. Her eyes followed their connected fingers for a second before she continued on. "You've always been my family, and I cannot even begin to cover how grateful I am. How thankful I am that you came to help when I needed you the most. I don't have the words to fully describe how much it means to me and how much I'm sure it means to the girls. But it doesn't change that I haven't had you, for six years," Rachel flinched away from her mothers hand and placed her own hand on Ione's back in a soothing motion."But like I said, Mercedes is helping us. She's helping us get back on our feet, the city is going to help us...and for the first time in a really long time I feel hope. Not a lot of it, but I feel hopeful that things are going to get better. And getting better means staying here... I need to get back to my life," her voice dropped an octave. "I need to get back to normal and I can't do that if I step all the way back to Ohio...I need to do this. For me. For them," Rachel allowed her gaze to fully turn to her girls. She found Ione's back to her still and continued to rub comforting circles on her back, but she connected with Ayla's wide gaze. She swallowed hard, realizing they had heard all that. But it was the truth. She was their Mom. She had always wanted to be their Mom, even when things were the hardest. It had killed her these past few weeks not to be the Mom she knew she was at her fullest potential. She was desperate to get things going, move forward, start their new future. She needed to rip the band aids off and finally shake herself free of Brody. A sinking feeling fell to her stomach as she thought his name. Weeks later and still caused bile to rise in her throat and a gurgle in her stomach.
"I appreciate everything, and I mean every single thing you have done for me and us in the last few weeks and I swear one day I'm going to pay you back..." she swallowed. She had a sudden urge to repeat herself. She was sure they understood her, sure they got the picture. But she needed to reiterate her point. Needed them to just understand. Everything was painful, everything tore at her inside. But she also needed to take control back, needed to start moving up and moving on. It scared her, shitless. But they needed this. Another uprooting move would upset everything she was looking to keep as normal as possible "But we're staying here," she sucked in a breath like she was desperate for air and waited for a reaction from her parents.
Her father was the first to crack.
"Rachel, is this what will make you happy? Help you in the end?" he questioned softly.
She nodded her head briefly before cocking it to the side. "It's not about my happiness though, Daddy," she replied. "It's about them...and these past few months and years have been hard enough and I just...we just need a fresh start but without anymore upheaval," she answered.
Leroy blinked a few times before he nodded his head in agreement. She saw the wheels turning in her mother's head as she stared at her, mascara covered lashes blinking at her a few times over.
The waiter appeared with the girls meals, and Rachel busied herself trying to help them. Ayla wanted her meatballs cut and Ione wanted cheese. Busy work took her mind off the conversation for a second. She heard water glasses clink across the table and when she finally looked away from the girls plates after stealing a bite of Ione's gnocchi with a grin, she faced her parents. She felt bad when she saw the tears that had appeared in her mother's eyes, even if she was unsure about what she had said that had caused them. She hadn't said anything mean or untrue.
"Mom," she started.
Mercedes had helped her, immensely, with plans for the immediate future in regards to housing. She just had no idea, to the extent her mother and father had thought about it too.
"I just...I'm worried about you, sweetheart..."
Something pinched in Rachel's chest. She dropped her head to the place mat in front of her and waited a few beats. It had been nice, having her parents here and around, helping with the girls. At first it had felt so foreign to her, to have help, to have someone to lean on, someone to trust...but she had become comfortable, as much as she could over the past few weeks. But she knew it wouldn't last forever. They had uprooted their lives, they had a dog for goodness sake, but she still struggled with how to deal with the entire situation and dynamic.
"Mom," she whispered. "this isn't the end," she smiled. "You can't get rid of us that easily, right girls?" she laughed just as the waiter showed up with their meals. Ayla softly giggled into her fork and nodded her head along with Rachel's words.
Her mother seemed to take the statement to heart and offered her a warm smile. Rachel blew a breath from between her lips before picking up her fork and digging in to her own pasta and meatballs dish.
Rachel's right leg bounced as she sat outside of the office of the Housing tribunal. She was nervous, but for the first time in a good long while, or so she thought - it was a good nervous. Mercedes had sent her here, had gone as far as she could on her behalf with them, and now she needed to finish the arrangements. She felt like a swarm of butterflies was competing in her stomach, and it was almost a welcome feeling compared to the ache that had been there for the last few weeks. Her knee rested outstretched in front of her, and she wished for one moment that she could have worn something other than yoga pants. But it was all that fit over her knee brace comfortably, and when her mother had learned that...well, she had gone overboard and purchased a dozen or so pairs from Target.
She had asked them to stay at the hotel. The girls had school and she had seen them off, but once they were gone she had gone downstairs, carefully, by herself. She had bundled herself up in her coat and carefully, slowly, made her way down to the lobby. She knew they were watching, but she needed to do this herself.
The first step to getting to her new normal. In all honesty she didn't want her Mom or Dad's opinion to influence her decisions. After the conversation at dinner the night before they seemed to be understanding to a fault. Her father had been more understanding and she knew there was probably a huge conversation going on back at the suite. But she kept her chin up. She needed to gain control back of her life, and the first step was securing her and the girls a safe place to live.
"Rachel Berry?" she was jolted from her thoughts when she heard her voice. She looked up to find an older woman looking over at her, a kind smile on her otherwise pale looking face. The redheaded woman took a step outside her door as she clamoured to her feet. She stuck out her hand to her when she was finally on her feet. "I'm Emma Pillsbury, it's a pleasure to meet you."
Rachel offered her a soft smile and extended her hand to shake. She nodded, and took her hand back when Emma pulled away. Rachel followed her into the office and immediately reached for the chair closest to her to sit down in. Her knee was achy today, but she'd work through it. Sharing a bed with both Ayla and Ione last night hadn't been the best idea but they had begged her, and she couldn't really say no.
Rachel waited as she watched Emma flip through a file folder in front of her.
"Mercedes called, about an hour ago and she sends her regards. She isn't able to meet with us today as she was called away to a meeting, but she's kept me up to date on your case and passed on her notes," Rachel nodded at her words and folded her hands in her lap. She had been hoping Mercedes would be here, given her some support. She straightened her shoulders as she looked at Emma and bit her lip. She could do this. It was the first, albeit really important, step in overcoming all of the obstacles that have held her back both lately and in the past few years.
"We've managed to secure an apartment for you and your daughters," Emma offered her a bright smile. "We have a vacancy in one of our city run buildings, just over on 3rd Street. Mercedes requested that you be within the boundaries of Parkview Elementary School, and while it is a little further away than we would like we managed to keep you within the bounds," Emma smiled.
Rachel blew out a breath between her lips. "Can you tell me about it?" she sighed with relief.
Emma smiled back and turned her computer screen towards her. "Of course."
Rachel twisted her fingers in her hands, before she tried to push her pinky under the cast on her left wrist to try and reach an itch in her palm. She blew a breath between her lips as she couldn't quite reach it and she nearly jumped out of her skin when the door to the small office opened from behind her. This was the first time she was meeting Michelle, her therapist, outside of Carmel.
"Good morning Rachel," the small older woman smiled as she closed the door behind her. "It's good to see you out and about, how are you feeling this morning?" the older woman smiled as she chose the big comfortable chair across from her.
"I'm feeling," she paused to take a deep breath. "I'm feeling okay," a smile pushed onto her lips as she shifted to get comfortable in her seat, as Michelle opened her leather bound notebook.
Michelle smiled back with a nod. "So you were released from Carmel yesterday, you went back to the hotel with your parents, how did that go?"
Rachel took a moment to look down at her pants, pulling at an imaginary pill that only she could see on the material. She allowed several beats to pass between them. The reunion had been everything she wanted. But the conversation with her parents that had followed at Romano's of all places had not. It had left her disappointed in herself. It left her feeling nervous.
"Rachel?" Michelle pressed when the quiet became too much.
"Oh. Sorry," she lifted her head and blinked a few times before she spoke, trying to collect her thoughts. "It was...it was good. Nice to be with the girls again. Ayla was the most excited. She's always been my talker, miss chatty," her voice drifted.
"And how did Ione react?" Michelle asked carefully.
Rachel took another moment before answering the question. "She was...she was quiet. But happy, too. I could see it in her eyes, that she was really happy to see me...she just...she has a different way of showing it..."
"You're worried about her," Michelle commented.
"Of course I'm worried about her. I'm worried about both of them. They're my girls. And they've been through everything with me and..." she paused and looked away. "My parents wanted me, wanted us to go back to Ohio with them..." She turned away from Michelle's empathetic look to face the cabinet to her left, her vision focused on the blooming plant that rest on top.
"And how did that make you feel?"
Rachel turned away from the plant only to look down at her hands again.
"I love my parents," she started quietly. "But I've been alone, out here for so long...that it's hard for me to trust them...and I can't really forget that they left me when I needed them the most. I needed them to protect me and they stayed away..."
"Rachel, you know that that's not true, right?" Michelle interrupted.
"How is it not true, if it happened?" her voice stammered through the words. "It's what happened. They left me as the abuse was really starting and..." her voice trailed off in that moment, lost in her memories that she had tried for years to repress. She had kept them beneath the surface because as much as it hurt, to be abandoned, her reality was so much worse day in and day out.
"Do you remember the last conversation you had with your parents?" Michelle asked quietly. "Before you woke up and saw them in your hospital room, what was the last conversation you had..."
Rachel swallowed hard. The lump in her throat formed quickly.
"Ayla was two weeks old, maybe a few days passed that...my parents called almost daily when I moved out here with Brody and...even more so after she was born...and then one day they called a lot. Over and over. Ayla had colic and Ione was just a toddler...she didn't know what was going on and Brody got annoyed. He beat the shit out of me that night," she let out a shuddered breath. She had only said the words out loud a handful of times, to the police, to Mercedes, and now to Michelle. Every time she said the words it took every ounce of her not to throw up. She hung her head down after the words left her lips. Her heart felt like it was beating out of her chest, a million miles an hour.
"...I can't remember the last words I said to them, because that night...that night Brody punched me in the face for the first time. The first time in a long line of punches. Probably broke my nose that night," she breathed as she brought her casted hand up to her face, and slowly ran it over her nose to feel the distinctive bump from where it had never fully healed. "But I had to run and try to calm Ayla down because she was flipping out and he was mad that I had let her cry that long..." she trailed off with a scoff, her mind taking her back to that time. She shivered as she remembered how it felt, how she had sunk desperately into the rocking chair in Ayla's room and cried silently as she tried to get her to nurse. She remembered it all so clearly, and her breath hitched in her throat. Her knee ached and she stretched it out from the bent position she had settled in when she came into the office. "And the next day...he bought me a new cell phone. New number. Everything. Everything was under his name. He didn't say the words, but I knew then...that I wasn't to talk to them again...couldn't give them the number...I hadn't even written the return address on the birth announcement because he told me we didn't need to..."
"What he did, Rachel, was part of his abuse. He wanted you away from them, so you couldn't run. He alienated you from your family so you would depend on him and only him..."
She didn't raise her head. She knew these things. But hearing someone else say it? Hearing the words from someone else's mouth? It made it all come alive in screaming colour.
"But he's gone now. He's in jail. That much you've told me since we met back at Carmel," Michelle spoke carefully. Rachel felt her fingers tremble as she curled them in her lap.
"He's in jail," Rachel repeated. "He's in jail."
Michelle nodded along with her words from where she sat across from her.
"And you and the girls, are safe. Your parents have kept them safe while you were starting to get better. They have never stopped loving you Rachel. It's not something parents do. Just like you didn't stop loving the girls every moment you were away from them, correct me if I'm wrong."
Rachel stayed silent. There was so much truth to her words and she felt her throat swelling again. She looked up from her lap and looked across at Michelle. She was staring back at her intently. Rachel knew the ball, figuratively, was in her court.
"They were all I could think about. They are all I can think about. And staying in New York, staying here...is most important. I can't uproot them anymore. I can't traumatize them anymore than they already have been. Everything has changed around them. Even the clothes on their backs - everything is different for them. Staying here and getting them help and getting us on our feet well that is the only thing I have left to prove to them that everything is going to be okay for us."
Michelle put her book down beside her and clasped her hands together in her lap. Rachel's chest heaved as the words she had spoken caught up to her. She took several deep breaths as her fingers trembled and she struggled to get herself under control.
"I'm afraid," she whispered. Michelle continued to look at her. "I'm so afraid I'm doing everything wrong. Emma Pillsbury, at the housing tribunal? She found me this gorgeous apartment. It's small, but that's fine, huh," she chuckled a little bit. "But I'm terrified of everything that's coming. Look, my hands shake at the thought...not that you can see it on this one with the cast," she held up her left hand before slowly placing it back down in her lap.
"You've already done the hard part though Rachel," Michelle commented once a few beats had passed between them.
"And what's that?" she asked quietly, even though she knew the answer.
"You survived."
The bright sunshine of the early afternoon sun felt great on her face. Rachel jammed her hands in her pockets as she let the feeling of the midwinter sun soak into her pores. She sucked in a deep breath, there was something different about the winter air. It felt crisp in her lungs, like ice crystals were forming in her veins. But at the same time, she felt so alive when the feeling burned through her. She took a few steps away from the building and in an instant she decided to get a cup of coffee, and really soak in the day. The ache in her knee had ebbed, and she wanted to take advantage of the moment alone. She crossed the street carefully and approached the small coffee shop. When she entered, she breathed in the smell of coffee and baked goods and her stomach grumbled at the thought of a warm bagel or freshly baked muffin.
A tidal wave of relief had flooded over her after she left Michelle's office. She felt drained, emotionally, but the relief that cloaked over her was one that she was unfamiliar with. She felt good. Steady, even if she wasn't physically. She'd had a long morning and the grumble in her stomach reminded her that she hadn't eaten anything since the small breakfast she had with the girls. She walked, slowly, up to the counter and ordered herself a small coffee and a warm blueberry muffin. The barista smiled at her before handing her change and setting about getting her coffee ready before grabbing the muffin to warm up. Rachel waited patiently by the counter, but let her gaze wander around the small restaurant. It had been so long, she thought to herself as she crossed her arms over her chest, since she had been able to do this by herself.
She chose her spot carefully, once her order was ready. She chose a bar stool with a table that faced the street, the brightest spot in the small shop thanks to the floor to ceiling windows. As she sipped her warm coffee, she allowed the bitter taste of the liquid to flood her veins and warm up her cool extremities. She hadn't had a lot of coffee in the last few weeks, and the few instances she had it hadn't been particularly good. Hospital food was never good, so it wasn't really a surprise when the coffee was just as terrible. She sipped the drink slowly, as she watched life outside the window continue on around her. Another comfort she had developed in the last few weeks, especially during her time at Carmel. People watching. With Brody behind bars, awaiting judgement for what he had done to her, she felt herself let a little bit of relaxation slip over her. Carmel had offered her a lot of opportunities in her downtime to take in her surroundings, become comfortable in her own skin, in her own new normal...or what was going to be her new normal. Patients like her swept the grounds even with the colder temperatures and snow on the ground. She hadn't ventured outside much, if at all, unless she had Luke or a nurse with her. Colder temperatures caused her knee to ache uncomfortably so she tried to avoid exposure for long periods. But this felt good. It had been so long, since she didn't have to look over her shoulder. It had been so long since she could just sit, and enjoy a cup of coffee without fear dripping from every corner. A feeling that was going to take some getting used to.
She played with the protective sleeve around the paper cup as she stared out the window, her eyes moving back and forth over the sidewalk in front of her that was dusted with snow. This was just the beginning. She bit into her muffin as she continued to look out the window, the sweet taste a treat to her senses. This was just the beginning, for sure.
Rachel slipped into the suite and tried not to draw attention to herself. The room was quiet, but the second she stepped inside she realized why. Both of her parents had stood up from the couch where they had been sitting. The look on her Mother's face showed worry etched on her features and she almost ducked her head against the feeling that was ebbing towards her in waves. She wasn't going to be sorry for taking time for herself, but she appreciated the worry all the same.
"You're back," Shelby started. "We were..." her father cleared his throat and Shelby blushed. "I was starting to get worried about you. We should get you a new cell phone or something..."
Rachel shook her head at her mother's babble. She shucked off her coat and tucked it over the back of a chair that belonged in the kitchen area before slowly making her way around the room, towards them. She could feel her mother's anxiety radiating off her, she knew she had questions and wanted answers. She had seen the crushing look in her features when Rachel had announced she wanted to go herself to her appointments this morning. But she had to do this. She had to stand on her own.
"I don't need a cell phone," she shrugged in response. She moved through the suite slowly. and came to a stop in front of them. She chewed her lip as she looked at them. "Thanks though," she offered. Her mother nodded before moving around her and fussing towards the kitchen area. Her father nodded his head before taking his place again on the couch. Rachel watched him intently for a moment as Shelby banged around in the kitchen. She waited for him to grab the newspaper that was sitting on the table in disarray, obviously abandoned when she came back. Shelby fluttered back into the area, bearing a few sandwiches and a couple bottles of water.
"You were gone so long, figured you might be hungry..." she worried.
"I stopped for a coffee, and a muffin...after my appointment with Michelle," she answered quietly.
Shelby nodded slowly and put the plate down on the table. Rachel could tell there were questions on the tip of Shelby's tongue. She reached forward for the bottle of water and popped the lid quickly before taking a sip. After she twisted the lid closed and stuffed it under her leg, she turned to Shelby. "Just ask Mom."
Shelby crossed and uncrossed her legs at the ankle and played with the hem of her sweater. "How did the meeting with the housing tribunal go?" she asked quietly before she reached forward and grabbed one of the sandwiches off the plate. She held up the other half to Rachel and she once again shook her head.
Rachel swallowed and leaned back on the couch to get comfortable. "They found us a place, it's within walking distance of the girls school and it's tiny, but it's going to be ours. As soon as we want it. It's ours."
"So that's it then," Shelby used her free hand to push the crumbs off her lap.
"Shelby," her father's voice was laced with a warning tone.
"Leroy," she sighed. Rachel blinked back and forth between her parents.
"Mom, Dad," she sighed. She brought her hands up to her hair and scratched at her scalp for a moment. She really wanted to take a hot shower right about now.
"I'm still going to need you," she stated without much invitation for further comment. "This isn't the end, like I said last night. I'm always going to need you. We just...because of our situation things are fast tracked and we get to go to the top of the list. Emma, our worker, showed me pictures and it's really nice. I was thinking when we go get the girls we can go check it out. She said she would phone over and let the landlord know we were taking it. This is good, Mom and Dad. This is really good. We need this." She looked between the two of them. "This is what we need. We'll be okay."
She cupped her hand around her eyes, guarding her vision from the winter sunlight that was impeding her. She was excited to see the girls, couldn't wait to tell them about the exciting development. Her father had stayed back at the hotel, his phone had been buzzing all day with work related calls and after their conversation, her mother had tasked him with getting a hold of a moving van. She felt exhilarated, like she had a renewed sense of direction. She hadn't felt like this in a long time, hadn't felt the hope that Emma and the housing tribunal were offering in such a long time. They needed a fresh start and she felt confident that a new place to live would be the first step. She tried to put aside the conversation she had with Michelle, bury those worries and fears and revelations and focus on the positive. It was a practice she was used to, and she tried not to let it colour her vision of the future.
The bell rang and she wrapped her arms tightly around herself, abandoning the shield her hand provided as a cloud moved in front of the sun. Her eyes flickered around as children of all ages flooded down the steps of the school. She had missed this. Missed being, normal, missed being the one to take care of her kids. As cold as it was outside right now, the late February air was cool on her cheeks and she was sure they were going to be rosy from the exposure, but she didn't mind one bit. The excited chatter of the kids in the yard wrapped around her and she kept her eye out for her girls.
"Mommy!" Rachel's head snapped around when she heard Ayla's voice. Rachel grinned when she eyed Ayla running towards her, her backpack banging against her back as she approached. Ayla threw her arms around Rachel's waist when she was within reach and giggled when she buried her face in the material of her coat. "I'm so excited to see you Mommy!" she laughed heartily. Rachel leaned down so she was face to face with Ayla, and tapped her on the nose as she giggled some more.
"And I'm so excited to see you, because I have a surprise for you and Ione," Rachel's eyes widened as she looked at Ayla, who reciprocated the look.
"A surprise?" she asked softly, her eyes darted over to Shelby after a moment. "Does Nana know?"
Rachel flicked her eyes up to look at Shelby for a moment before she looked back at Ayla. "Nana does know. We just have to wait for Ione to come out, she's being a slow poke!" Rachel joked.
"She wasn't at the meeting spot inside Mommy," Ayla answered sweetly. "I waited but I didn't want to sit on the bench," her voice lowered as she shook her head. "And I knew Nana would be out here..."
Rachel nodded, the sudden lump that was in her throat closing her airway.
"I'll go find her," Shelby interrupted.
Rachel stood up straight and cleared her throat. "No, it's alright. I'll go find her. Why don't you guys go over to the jungle gym over there?" she pointed to the small set of swings and slides. "We'll come find you..."
Ayla squealed and immediately tugged on Shelby's hand before pulling her towards the park area.
Rachel straightened her jacket and started towards the school as the lump in her throat began to subside, but not by much. Her worries about her girls, Ione specifically came racing back as she made her way slowly up the stairs and into the school. The hallway was quiet, just a few students heading for the door. She kept to herself as her eyes darted about, to make sure she didn't miss Ione. When she walked passed the bench, which was the meeting place Ayla was referring to, she met the eyes of the secretary through the window and immediately looked away. Her face flushed with emotion and she tried not to let the judgemental stare she couldn't just be imagining get to her. When she didn't find Ione in the hallway she headed for the classroom. But before she could even knock on the door, she stopped in her tracks. She paused against the door way and tried to keep out of sight as she looked in.
Ione was sitting at her desk with her head down. Mr. Hudson crouched beside her, a pencil poised in his hand. Her heart hammered in her chest and blood rushed to her ears as she watched. When Ione looked up, Rachel caught her eye and noticed the tears in her eyes.
"Mom," Ione's voice barely met her ears as she entered the classroom and approached. Mr. Hudson stood up as she approached.
"Miss Berry," Mr. Hudson greeted. Rachel's heart slowed as she made eye contact with the teacher for a brief moment before her eyes darted back to Ione. "It's good to see you up and around. Ione just had some questions about a math assignment I assigned the other night and we were just getting to the bottom of it, weren't we Ione?" Rachel caught Mr. Hudson's smile from the corner of her eye. She looked back at Ione in time to see her nodding.
"I get it now," she whispered, looking between both her mom and Mr. Hudson.
"Good stuff," Mr. Hudson smiled broadly.
"Well thanks for helping her," Rachel breathed as she turned her attention solely to him."I appreciate it. It's been a little crazy the last few days and it's going to be an even crazier few days because we're moving this weekend," she stumbled. She heard Ione gasp and she sighed, knowing she had just blew the surprise. "We should be going, we've kept you behind long enough. Thanks again," she rambled, stuffing her hands in her pockets as she suddenly felt self conscious about her casted hand. "Ione, get your stuff..."
Ione quietly nodded and pushed her chair back to go collect her things. "Thanks Mr. Hudson," she mumbled.
"You're more than welcome," Mr. Hudson smiled before he redirected his attention to Rachel. "It's no problem at all, we've been working through a few things with math and I'm happy to help," he smiled. Rachel nodded slowly as she stared back at him.
"I don't know if she'll be in class on Monday," she added slowly. "We're moving," she repeated, "And I don't know how long that's going to take because it's just my parents and..."
"I can help," Mr. Hudson blurted suddenly.
Rachel dropped her jaw a little bit as the sounds of Ione wrestling with her school bag in the hallway flowed in.
"I can help," he repeated. "You guys move, I mean. I have an SUV, and well my stepdad has a truck so I could always borrow that...but I can help, if you need...or if its okay."
"You don't have to do that," Rachel whispered. "That's...that's too much...you've done so much for Ione already," she blushed. She had heard stories, from Ione, from her Mom, about how much Mr. Hudson had helped while she was in the hospital.
She watched him crack a smile and cross his arms over his chest. "Well, is there going to be pizza?"
She chuckled carefully as she pulled her hands out of her pockets. She toyed with the edge of her cast. "Of course there'll be pizza. That's a given, isn't it? When you move Mr. Hudson?" she grinned.
"Then I'm there. Especially if there's pizza," he winked.
"If you're sure," she asked quietly.
"I want to, and I'm sure," he smiled. He took a few steps to his desk and grabbed a scrap paper and a pen. She bit her lip as she watched him scribble something quickly on the paper before thrusting it at her. "Here's my number. Call me when the plan is set up. I want to help. Let me help."
Rachel took the piece of paper from him while she bit her lip particularly hard. "Okay," she whispered. "That would help so much, you have no idea."
Finn shrugged his shoulders and gave her a half smile. "Thank you...Mr. Hudson, you don't know how much this means to me. How much everything means to me..."
He shrugged again. Rachel nodded slowly and turned to leave the classroom.
"Oh, and Miss. Berry?" Mr. Hudson called before she reached the door. Rachel felt herself turn slowly so she was facing the tall teacher one more time.
"Call me Finn," he smiled. "I mean, this weekend...outside of school hours...call me Finn," he stumbled as he shoved his hands in his pockets. She nodded with a smile before turning on her heel to take the girls to see their new home.
As usual, any and all mistakes are mine. I take artistic license for everything and of course don't own Finn, Rachel, Leroy or Shelby. Just Ione, Ayla and the plot. Hope you enjoyed! Until next time!