AN: Thank you for the follows, favorites, and reviews. It makes my day when I get those FF notifications! I'm so glad that someone out there is enjoying this. I hope not to disappoint. This next chapter is a little angsty and totally not what I intended to write but it just sort of wrote itself, so I'll let it stand…
12: Knight in Shining Armor
Lane woke slowly the next morning. She hadn't yet grown used to sleeping with Ray. Some nights he slept fitfully, isolated on his side of the bed. Other nights they slept like a real couple, touching and cuddling throughout the night. It never failed, however, that he was awake and out of bed before she was. So when she realized she was still in his arms, she couldn't stop the abrupt pounding of her heart and the instant awareness that they were wrapped up in each other.
Her forehead was pressed against his chin, his hand tangled in her hair. One of her legs was cradled between his and his leg was thrown over her hip. One of her arms hung over his back and his other hand rested low on her waist. They fit together like puzzle pieces and it was at once comforting and unsettling. His arms tightened around her incrementally, shifting her closer to him as he faded into consciousness.
"Not yet," he murmured, turning his head slightly to brush his mouth against her forehead. She sighed and let herself float in the bliss between sleep and reality. If only this could be real life. Her thumb made soothing circles on his back mirroring the ones his fingers made on the bare skin between her shorts and tank top. "It's not supposed to feel like this. It shouldn't be this easy."
Butterflies danced in her stomach. At forty five, she didn't know she was still capable of those heart-pounding, rushes of emotions in moments of such incredible intimacy. Yet here she was, breathless with anticipation, feeling like she was twenty and crushing again. His hand shifted from her hair to cupping her cheek as he dropped soft kisses over her face. His mouth rubbed across hers, more caressing than kissing. He shifted his weight slightly, his hand tightening marginally on her cheek, before he took her mouth more firmly in a commanding kiss.
Lane's mind went completely blank as she became focused on his kiss. Like Ray, it was firm, authoritative, self-assured, and impossible to ignore. Desire fired through her veins as she open her mouth under his. His reaction was nothing short of carnal as he deepened the kiss and took exactly what he wanted. Her hand fisted in his shirt as he rolled her the rest of the way onto her back, his mouth traveling down her jaw before it found her neck. She arched into him when he nipped the sensitive spot where her neck curved into her shoulder.
"God," he ground out, his mouth finding hers roughly as his body pushed against hers, only the thin barriers of their pajamas separating them. His hand slid to down to her bare leg, pulling it up so he could settle more fully against her. His fingers dipped below the hem of her shorts, skimming the soft skin at the curve of her thigh. Her hand clutched the back of his head as she angled her mouth to kiss him more thoroughly. He moaned and ground into her. A small sound of appreciation hummed in her throat. She wanted him. Badly. Not like she had as a young woman but with all the burning desire of a woman who recognized that the wanton sensuality between them rare.
She reversed their positions, her hair falling around them as she continued to kiss him. His fingers dug into her thighs. She took his face in her hands, kissing him as thoroughly as he had her. He gripped her hips and ground against her once again as her teeth scraped down the sensitive curve of his jaw. He hissed when she nipped at his ear lobe but it quickly turned to a sound deep in his throat when she scraped her teeth along the tendon on the side of his neck.
"Delaney."
Her name was half sigh, half prayer from his lips and yet she knew exactly what was coming next. She sat up, still straddling him. His green eyes were stormy as they roamed over her face, drinking her in. He tucked the wild waves of her hair behind her ears. She allowed him to pull her face down to his for an impossibly soft, sweet kiss.
"We have to stop," he said when he broke the kiss.
He doesn't want me, thundered through her mind even as the evidence to the contrary pressed against her. She felt that wall of self preservation snap up and her face go blank.
"Of course."
She crawled off of him with as much grace and dignity as she could muster. She made it no more than three steps across the floor before his hand was on her arm, forcing her to turn back to him.
"Laney."
"I'm sorry," she said with a smile she knew didn't reach her eyes. It was the best she could do. "No need for explanations. It's easy to get caught up in the moment. No harm, no foul."
"That's not…"
"I'm going to go get ready," she said, trying to take her arm back.
"Damn it, Delaney. Let me speak," he growled, frustration practically dripping from his voice.
"Jesus, what do you want from me, Raymond? I'm trying to walk away from this with a little dignity. Just let me."
"No!"
"Why?!"
"Because I think you're under the impression that I don't want you and that's not it."
"Then what exactly is it?"
"I'm used to taking casual lovers, dalliances, with women who don't mean anything to me."
"Oh, God. Please do not give me the whole 'it's not you, it's me' bullshit. Do not tell me you care too much about me to fuck me. I can't do this with you."
"That. That right there is why I stopped. Because I will not make this vulgar and sordid. I will not degrade you and I will not sully what is between us."
"This might shock you, Raymond Reddington, but I am a fully grown woman. I can make my own decisions and we are two consenting adults. I'm not some twenty year old girl throwing herself at your feet and I don't need you to protect my virtue."
"And you need to understand that I'm not going to use you because I'm…."
"Horny?"
"Not to put too fine a point on it, yes," he said dryly.
"If it wasn't me, we wouldn't be having this conversation. We'd both be in bed and a hell of a lot less frustrated right now."
"You're right. But it is you."
"I'm sorry that the idea of me is so repulsive to you."
"Don't be stupid. As you said, you're a grown woman. You know I want you."
"And yet, here we stand."
"I can't win here," he said, throwing up his hands.
"Can we just chalk this up to a stunningly shitty way to start a morning? I'm done and I want a shower." Her voice was tired and he could see the truth in the slump of her shoulders. She was almost to the bathroom when his voice stopped her.
"Was he right?" Ray asked.
"Was who right?" she asked, confused.
"Rafael Luciani."
"About?"
"Am I the reason you wouldn't commit to him fully?"
The question hung palpably in the air between them. Should she lie? Should she tell the truth? His face was unguarded and tired. There were moments when he was so defenseless, so totally vulnerable, that it almost hurt to look at him.
"Does it matter?"
"It does to me, yes."
She barely heard his response and she suspected he already knew the answer. He knew her fundamentally better than anyone else. Lying wouldn't change it. It wouldn't save her pride. It wouldn't be a kindness to either of them.
"Yes."
"Delaney," he said, turning away.
"Don't you dare feel sorry for me," she said, stepping in front of him and putting a hand briefly on his chest to stop him. "I've loved you almost my whole life. I've been in love with you since I was 17. I'm not ashamed of that. You were everything I thought a man should be—brave, honorable, kind, caring, devoted, loving. You taught me what I should look for in a man. What I should expect. That's not a bad thing."
Tears shone in his eyes as her words hit him. For a man who could wear the most impenetrable mask, his face could be immeasurably emotive. She could see the regret and pain there.
"It's not like I haven't loved other men or that I was unable to be in healthy relationships. Rafael Luciani was an abusive asshole. He wanted a girl who needed him. Who depended on him. I've never needed a knight in shining armor because mine taught me to save myself. He taught me to value myself. He taught me how to pick myself up through crippling heartbreak and disappointment and keep moving forward. So, yes. You are absolutely the reason I couldn't commit to Raf and I'm grateful for that every day."
He closed the space between them, crushing her in his arms. He pressed a kiss to her forehead, then another, before burying his face in her hair.
"I love you," he said, his voice thick with emotion. "I'm so sorry I hurt you and I'm sorry I left you the way I did. I'm sorry I couldn't stay the man that you thought I was."
She didn't tell him he was wrong. She didn't tell him that she suspected he was exactly what she always knew him to be—a man who loved so deeply and unapologetically that he'd do anything to protect that love. She had been so immeasurably hurt by the way he'd left that she'd convinced herself that she was angry. She'd tried to tell herself she was a fool and that he was a monster and a traitor. She'd tried to convince herself over and over that he'd used her and her family.
Because the anger was easier than the broken heart and devastatingly crippling loss.
She didn't tell him that she forgave him. She didn't tell him that she understood his choices. She didn't tell him that she could find no fault in him. After all, what had she done in the name of her service to her government? Did that make her actions okay? If all the things he'd done had been to protect Elizabeth, as she'd grown to believe, could she fault him? Would she not do the same to protect her family?
She still didn't know the whole story. She didn't know if she ever would, but she was learning that she was okay with not knowing. She was beginning to trust him again. She believed that his moral compass still pointed north and that he was still a man of honor. She didn't know where Ray stood but she knew unequivocally where ever that was, she'd be by his side. She wouldn't let him fight this battle alone.