It has been a while since I wrote in here. I think this will be one of the last times that I do. Things got very full on after I wrote in here last. It has been a few months now, but I am finally ready to write about everything that happened. As Maxine says, that is the only way I am going to be able to find closure and make a fresh start.

I don't really remember much of what happened straight after my mortifying meeting with Maxine, at least not clearly. I think I went into auto-pilot. I didn't want to think about what had happened. I didn't want to know that Nathan had almost killed someone. I didn't want to know that Nathan had killed himself. I didn't want to remember that Kate, who I barely even knew but at the same time knew so well, was likely to kill herself the very next day. I think that in that moment I didn't want to even exist. I left Maxine's dorm room and walked back to mine in a daze. People called my name as I went, but I barely heard them. It was like they were a faraway dream. I suppose they had heard about Nathan and wanted to see if I was okay. Not that they really cared. I couldn't blame them.

Once I was in my own room, I collapsed on my bed and just stared at the ceiling. I have no idea how long for. Maybe hours. No thoughts really occurred. It was as though my brain was just a void. Maybe there were so many thoughts in my mind that I just couldn't process any of them. I must have fallen asleep though, because I remember a hammering on my door awakening me.

"Who is it?" I asked quietly, my head pounding.

"It's Max."

"Come in."

Maxine came in, practically bursting through the door. She was buzzing with energy, and seemed cheerful. "What the hell do you have to be so happy about?"

"I've been up all night, drinking coffee and thinking. About Kate. And Chloe. I started to think about Chloe, then I realised something hella cool. Well, kinda sucky too. I think we should focus on the good part though."

I sighed at the mention of Kate. "I'm not stupid. I know that we can't stop Kate. Wasn't the whole idea of you letting Chloe die to stop the tornado from happening? Saving Kate would make that all in vain."

"Chloe isn't dead though. Don't you see what that means? Just think about it." She shoved a paper coffee mug in my hands. "Here, drink this. It helps."

I took the coffee from Maxine, but didn't drink from it. I didn't think it would be conductive to curing my headache. I will admit, it did take me a while to understand what Maxine was getting at, but once I did my heart jumped a little as for a second it was filled with hope. "If Chloe isn't dead, it means that you saving her didn't cause the storm. It's going to happen anyway, so we can … oh." My moment of hope died down, as I realised that this also meant Arcadia Bay would be destroyed. It just kept getting better and better. "Shit."

"I know, it sucks. But let's focus on the positive stuff. We can save Kate." Maxine seemed so bright and cheerful, but I could tell that there was something that she was keeping from me.

"We can save Kate." I said softly. "And Chloe."

Maxine shrugged and looked down at the floor, hiding her face. "I don't know, Tori. She just had a major operation. The storm is in a couple of days. I don't know if we'll be able to get her to safety."

"She's alive. Focus on the positive."

Maxine nodded. "Yeah. Focus on the positive." She didn't sound like she really believed it. "You should get up. It's nearly time. If you're quick, maybe you could get there before she even makes it to the roof."

I didn't know this at the time, but Maxine later told me that my face blanched at this. I felt my heart clench, in fear. "No. I can't. I barely even know her. This has to be you."

Maxine shook her head. "I know you don't know her, yet. But I saw how happy you made her. This should be you. I think you'll do a better job than I ever could. You have a huge heart, even if you don't see it."

I laughed at this. "You're kidding, right? Do you even know me?"

"I know you better than you know yourself."

"Oh, please, stop with all the bullshit. You don't know me Maxine. The me you knew doesn't exist. I don't … I can't." My voice broke and I was overcome by tears. In front of Maxine. Again.

"Yes. You can. Tori, listen. Listen, calm down. If you really want me to, I'll stop Kate from getting on that roof. Honestly, I think things would be less complicated if it's you."

"F - fine." I stuttered out, trying to hold back my tears, which only resulted in me letting out a choked sob every couple of minutes. "Just let me … fuck, I'm a mess. I need to shower. I need to…"

"There's no time. You need to go now."

"But I -"

"Kate is a mess herself right now. I hardly think she'll notice. In fact, maybe it's best if you're not your usual perfect self.

"I'm not-"

"Just go." Maxine took hold of one of my arms and pulled me up, and shoved me towards the door. "I know you can do this."

I simply nodded, no words coming to mind. I felt sick. What if I couldn't help her? What if I made things worse? I hadn't been able to help Nathan, I thought. I couldn't let Kate down too. Or Maxine. All I had ever done my whole life was let people down. I never let it show, but I was a failure. The only thing I could do right was photography, and not one gallery was even interested in that.

As I marched towards the roof doors, I moved with purpose, determined to get there in time to stop Kate. As I moved I noticed her ahead of me, feet away from the door. No. I wasn't going to let her even go through that door. I ran, faster than I have ever ran in my life. As I ran, I thought I was going to fall flat on my face. I was never one for running, and always avoided it at all costs. I kept going though, determined.

I reached her just as her fingers touched the handle of the door and I grabbed her wrist, more tightly than I meant to. She let go of the handle, and turned her head to look at me.

"Ow. Victoria? What are you doing?" There were tears in her eyes. She looked so defeated. When I looked into those deep eyes of hers I felt that this wasn't because of the video, not entirely. She had been tired for such a long time. She just fought to stay happy for the sake of those around her.

"Where are you going?"

"Up to the roof."

"Why?"

"For air. Why do you care, anyway? Since when does Victoria Chase care what Kate Marsh does?"

"Since Victoria Chase decided that one suicide per week is plenty. Look, I understand how you're feeling."

"No you don't. Know one does."

"You feel useless. You think this is your only option. You can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. You think that your life will be like this forever. You feel like the world won't be any worse off without you. And you know what? You're right. It wouldn't. But my world would. So, I'm going to be selfish now and stop you. We are going back to your dorm room, and I have something I want to show you. If you still feel like coming up on this roof afterwards then fine, I won't stop you." I let out a long shaky breath.

"Can you let go of my wrist? You're hurting me."

I looked down at Kate's wrist and realised that my nails were digging into her skin so hard that I was beginning to draw blood. "Oh, shit." I dropped her wrist. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to … are you okay?"

"Yes. No. I don't know. How did you know that I was…"

"A little birdy told me. I decided not again. Not on my watch." I had failed Nathan. I had chosen to ignore the bullshit he had gotten himself involved in, because it was the easy route. At that moment, I decided I was not going to fail Kate too, even if it was impossibly hard.