Chance or Choice?
A hundred days have made me older,
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
but all the miles that separate
they disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face
- Three Doors Down.
Chapter XII – Exam
"Dad!" She called after him, just after the heavy oak door to his office had closed just seconds before. It felt strange to call him 'dad' after all that had happened, but somehow it felt right now. She waited for him to come back out but after a few seconds she went inside personally.
"Dad?" She asked, peering into the room from a gap in the door. He swung around on his black leather desk chair and nodded to her.
"Come in Rinoa"
She closed the door behind her. He began to shift a few papers as he waited for her to speak and clicked open a pen. She watched him and started to trace imaginary circles on the ground with her foot and clasped her hands behind her back. She stopped suddenly and looked around the room to try and figure out what to say, or better, how to say it. She had come to love living in Deling and being so close to her real family…but she knew there was another place where she truly wanted to be, where her heart belonged.
"I'm going back" She said after a while, with little to no confidence.
He stopped his actions and slowly lifted his head to look her in the eye. An almost tired look crossed his features and he changed his posture to look more like a father figure. He did this by frowning worriedly and taking his glasses off to rub the lenses. She held her head high and waited for his return.
"Rinoa, you risked a lot coming here in the first place, how can you imagine going back?"
She swallowed. "I have to. I need to do what's right, dad, I need to tell him"
His face turned more worried. "Why?"
She looked down. Why did he need to know? He could live his life never knowing, it simply wouldn't affect him. But time would eventually give in to her and he would find out sooner or later. She could never live with herself, either. She could feel a tear forming in her right eye, but fought back the urge to let it fall.
"I still love him. I need to go back there and tell him why. I need to tell him it wasn't his fault" She paused to regain her posture. "Dad, being here with you and my family has been a wonderful experience. The amount of support you have given me since…" Her voice broke with emotion and the first of her tears began to fall over her cheeks. "I need him" Was all she could finally say.
"Do you trust him enough Rinoa?"
"With my life" She whispered.
"He won't hurt you?"
"No. He'd never. He cares, and I know he still does and will… even after all that's happened, he'd never hurt me…" Even though I've hurt him so badly.
He nodded in understanding and stood, taking off his glasses again and smiling faintly.
"Do what you must. You have my support, now and always"
"Ouch…man I swear if Nida makes this thing bump one more time I'm gonna personally go up there and smack him a good one…" Zell groaned.
"Oh stop being such a woosy Zell! It's your fault for not holding onto the supports in the first place. No wonder you've hit your head three times!" Selphie laughed. She poked Zell in the stomach. He grumbled a few times and let go of his support rope again to try and sit down on the ground. Long trips often made him queasy. Cindy and myself both looked on with amusement. The Ragnarok lurched forward slightly and tilted to the side for a split second. Zell was thrown backwards and hit his head on an overhanging beam.
"Oooh…he is so dead" He growled, and made his way to the elevator. Cindy laughed and leant close to me.
"Hey Squall, wanna go upstairs?" Cindy asked, over the thrumming of the engine.
"Sure"
We unhooked our support ropes from our wrists and walked onto the elevator after Zell. When we reached our level we stepped out onto the more quiet passenger section. All seats were empty and its enormous open windows showed us a vast expanse of ocean. We were still a few hours from the Lunar Base. Cindy stretched her arms and walked up to the window. I stood beside her.
"How do you think the cadets will be?" She motioned to the water below with a nod of her head. All cadets were traveling via water crafts, much like my own Exam to Dollet.
"Maybe a few will be seasick, but they'll have a plenty of time to adjust when we arrive" True to my word, the actual Exam wasn't until tomorrow. It would give us time to set up and discuss positions. Cindy and I were both going to overlook the cadets from high above on scaffolding surrounding the Lunar Base.
She smiled and focused her attention on an island in the distance. "How did you decide team leaders?"
"Xu, Quistis and I sat down a few weeks ago and looked at the cadet's profiles and also our own personal knowledge of them. I'm pretty sure we've chosen the best" Unlike my Exam…
"What about the others?"
"Others?"
"Uh…Selphie, Irvine and Zell?"
"They don't like to be in that side of Garden with decisions like that. They like doing the work, not deciding how to. It's just the way they chose to operate…why did you ask about them?"
"Well…" She ran a hand through her bouncy blonde hair. "I just figured that since they were part of the original team that…stopped Time Compression I would have thought you did things together all the time. Well, most of the time anyway. Aren't you still a team?"
I smiled slightly. "Yeah…we are. The A grade group of Seed's that's considered 'above the rest'. You can imagine how it plays sometimes. It has its cons and pros…but we head in different directions sometimes"
Cindy grinned and continued looking outside. "Must be nice…" She muttered. We stood in silence for a while before she looked down, with a puzzled look on her face. I noticed and turned my attention back to her.
"What is it?" I asked.
"I was just thinking…weren't there…six of you originally in the team? I'm just so sure I was told there were six"
This time I looked away. So finally, I was to tell her the part about myself I had tried to cover up from everybody for nearly five months. It wasn't much of a big deal, but I felt as if telling Cindy about Rinoa…would somehow change the way she saw me. Whether it was bad or good. I was afraid people would think I did something to hurt Rinoa. Was that being selfish?
"Rinoa Heartily" I said, with little to no confidence. She didn't seem to notice and smiled, with sudden realization.
"That's right! I remember now. She was a client…from Timber, then she joined you when things got rowdy and she just…stayed. Yes, I remember now" She paused and looked confused again. "Whatever happened to her?"
"She…" I stopped to find the right words. "…was at Garden for a while, then she left about five months ago. We're not sure why though"
"She just…left?"
"Yeah"
"Oh…she was that girl I…never mind" She looked away quickly. I was quick to touch her on the shoulder lightly and tempt her to continue.
"She was what?" I said softly.
"I saw a photo of her in your wallet…when you gave it to me, remember?"
"Yeah I do"
"I just realized, that's all"
Somehow I felt I owed her an apology. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. She lived with me for a while before she left. We had been…" What was the word? A couple? Together? Mutually bonding? "…dating, and I haven't seen her since she left"
"Oh…god. I'm so sorry" She bit her lip. "I'm sure pity is something you really don't need, after so long" She said, sympathetically. "I just had no idea" She smiled. "Thanks for telling me. It's nice to know so much about you, without out even knowing you, you know?" She grinned again looked out the window. "Just…thanks for sharing so much with me"
"No problem. Thanks for being a good ear"
We both laughed.
It was night, and the Lunar Base was only an hour away. I was alone, in a small room used for paperwork storage aboard the Ragnarok. It had a small desk and chair, with cabinets closing in on me covered in scattered documents. A swinging lantern above me produced the only light.
I held my wallet in my left hand looking at a photo of Rinoa, and in my right hand…my journal. I turned to one of the more recent pages. I often read back on my journal to help me keep up with my thoughts. But writing in it everyday I avoided. It wasn't a most enjoyed past time. I frowned, as I looked back on a later page, written about Rinoa…
By saying she, I'm meaning Rinoa Heartily. I thought she was my match. I thought we would live happily ever after in that normal life I'm so happy to keep mentioning. But I was wrong. Obviously saving her life countless times, and might I remind you, that includes jumping out into space for her, flying around on a …Galbadian thing…to save her from the side of a mobile Garden and fighting an evil sorceress to get her out. These are just some of the things I did for her. I bet not once did she ever look back and think…maybe he really cares for me? Is that why he kept saving me all those times?
I almost smiled. Looking back on what I wrote…it really put me back in the same mind I had when I wrote that entry. Without a second thought, I tore it out. I read it once more in my hand and tore it up in a few smaller pieces. I watched them float down to the bin with a smile. I had been angry when I wrote it. Too angry. My thoughts were in the wrong place, and I know she still cared about me, always and still does. What I wrote was wrong and I been wrong to accuse her of not caring. I needed to get my priorities straight. So I opened up a new fresh page…
Diary of Squall Leonheart
October 30th
Cindy Clease…Cindy Clease. What a unique person. Truly, a very unique person. I know she's hiding something. Something big. She's cheerful and a genuinely nice person, but she doesn't talk about herself very much, not that I talk about myself either, but that's just me. I give her credit for telling me about her alcohol incident though. That would have taken courage. I like her as a good friend now, I trust her and respect her. She's willing to learn from me and I think she'll be a good help in the Exam. She's not the type to get in the way. I only like her as a friend, I don't want things getting complicated. The last thing I need now is to fall for someone else. I mean, Rinoa and I haven't exactly broken up.
Have we?
Does having her not call, not trying to get in contact, leaving me no messages and not trying to visit me or leave me any indication of her return…considered a break up?
Sounds pretty bad.
But I have faith. A little, next to none…but its something. I just hope that where ever she is she's happy and that I can move on and be happy too. But one thing I don't want is to never see her again. If we're not meant to be together, then heck, we need to be friends. We have to.
If I move on…who am I supposed to be with?
Cindy?
No…at least I think not. No, bad thoughts. Very bad thoughts. Again, the very, very last thing I need is a love triangle. Please…no.
Going, got a headache.
I closed the book and groaned, rubbing my temple with a free hand. I hated not knowing what to feel. Eventually that night I fell asleep on the desk, surrounded by paperwork and files.
Author's Scribbles: I bet you all didn't expect to see this update so soon! I was so overwhelmed by the response I've been getting for this story that…I just felt like I was letting you all down by not updating! Things have been hectic, but thanks to a few kind words from reviewers and wonderful help, I'm back on track.
Special Thankyou's:
Seth8 – Gotta thank you! You're help so far has been so greatly appreciated and I really enjoyed our talk before. Thanks!
amyloverofsquall/riona – Haha, you're such an awesome reviewer. That's so nice of you to leave such a lovely review, I felt real special. Thankyoooo!
Hi – That was so nice of you to review so many chapters as you read it, I really appreciate it. Thanks.
Barr – I agree. But this story doesn't really have…a thickened plot. But trust me, some seriously awesome stuff is on the way. I just hope this is a…feel good story mostly. Thank you!
Firefly-Dreams – How sweet of you! You read it all in one go, that's really really totally sweet of you. Thanks for such a nice review.
UltraBeing – I'll be sure to check it when I have the time. Thanks for reading!
Lady Nova the White Mage- Thanks for the great hints, very useful. You're a great reviewer!
I'd like to say a very special thankyou to the anonymous reviewer, that left such a…touching review. It's great to here a response like that from you, and if your still reading, I'm so glad you took the time to read through it so carefully. Thankyou and good luck with everything.
Even though I may not have thanked all of you personally, you are all very very awesome and I really appreciate every one of you. Time for me to hit the bed. So tired.
Snowecat, Verdanii, amyloverofsquall/Rinoa, Hi, sweetiegirl84, fanoff, pimpsy, Barr, Goo Goo Doll, BakaShinjio01, Firefly-Dreams, Karaoke Risa, DBH, Seth8, Ultrabeing, Lady nova the white mage, Silver Nex, Spaceddemon, lendmemoni, Anjirika,