Shizuru

When I enter my apartment, a sudden feeling rises within me. It is one that I cannot place. An internal feeling of pain without actual pain, a nervous feeling that jitters across my spine, an uncomfortable shifting and swirling of impatience in my stomach because I know something is not quite right—it is that kind of sensation. It is something like that. It is something that makes me feel as if I'm not myself and that the world around me spins off rhythm. Or maybe the one who is off is me. I'm not sure what it is, Natsuki.

Despite the meetings today being overwhelmingly positive—especially to a degree that I could never expect— I still find myself irritated to the point of self-contention. At least, that's what it feels like to me. I am both tired and incredibly restless.

Today has gone on for long enough, I decide as I take off my shoes. Much has transpired. This morning, I went shopping with you. Later in the day we had that meeting within the Library followed by the one at the Suzushiro estate. Each one of these events was taxing in their own ways, and the last two were unnerving as well. I suppose that explains my current mood, I conclude as I walk to the kitchen and set the elder Suzushiro's gift on the countertop. I must be exhausted from everything that has occurred.

I move without thought towards the couch and lay down on it. When I bury my face into the cushions, I feel the scratchy texture of the cloth against my cheek. I can also smell your lingering scent, Natsuki. It reminds me of the fact that you have been sleeping here the last two days. Your scent is familiar and reassuring—it is something I have deeply ingrained into my memory years ago. Oh how long has it been since we first met.

Now that I think about it, it's strange that you are here now. You always refused to stay at my apartment before. All of ours sleepovers took place in your apartment. No matter how late we stayed out, you always insisted on driving back to your own place despite it being farther away on campus. Once, when I asked you about it, you brushed it aside saying you preferred to wake up to a familiar ceiling. I'm not too sure I understand but I suppose we all have our idiosyncrasies.

Even so, the thought now bothers me. What has changed now, Natsuki? This will be the second night you have slept over. Why are you forcing yourself to be with me? I know your apartment must not be in the best condition however—

"Tired?" I hear you ask me. By the proximity of your voice, I can tell that you are sitting close to where I lay. I can also hear the affection in your voice as you address me. Perhaps it is due to my exhaustion, but I do not understand why it's directed at me. Or maybe it is because I can't understand it, not while I am like this. Your voice confuses my already muddled senses as you have never spoken to me like this before, not with such honest kindness. I have heard from you the many facets of your personality: I know the sound of your cool indifference, harsh disgust, and abashed embarrassment however this…this fondness afflicts me with something I cannot understand.

Because of my confusion, I simply turn away and curl deeper into the couch. You laugh at my actions before moving closer. I feel the couch sink as your weight is added to it.

"You're acting childish, Shizuru."

"I don't care."

You chuckle and I feel the weight of your hand on the top of my head as you playfully pat it. A brief second passes and then your hand brushes through my hair, slowly untangling the few knots you come across. Even though your touch is unexpected, I still find myself relaxing into it. I close my eyes and simply concentrate on the movement of your fingers and the way the tips comb through my hair like the barest glances against velvet. Your touch is surprising gentle given how rough you normally are and I can feel some of my frustration melt away because of your rhythmic caress. Although I lay like this, I can tell that your actions are unconscious more than anything else. My supposition is confirmed when you abruptly pull away, as if you were startled by your own touch.

"Can I start eating?" you ask, your breath hitching. I can almost hear your blush, but I am in no mood to tease you or consider the reason behind your actions. After all, I can't even pinpoint my own mood. What I feel now is a mix of lethargy and…and something similar to annoyance? I'm not quite sure what it is. Whatever it is, the feeling has dulled slightly because of your actions yet I am still ill at ease.

"Please go ahead," I reply.

You shuffle for a moment before I hear you stand up. "Actually, Shizuru, I'm going to make tea first," you say before walking into the kitchen. I do not respond and instead continue to rest.

A few more minutes pass before I open my eyes. I shift to my side so I can watch you. You are standing next to the stove, boiling water with the kettle I have acquired from the cafeteria. There are still a number of plastic and paper bags haphazardly scattered around the kitchen area: they are things we have bought earlier this morning that we have yet to unpack.

I had paid for all these items with the credit card given to me by the Rijichou-san. While the card was supposed to only be for transactions and specific interactions with our academy's supporters, I doubt she will mind that I have used it for an unintended purpose. My scholarship fund could not cover all my necessities as these student quarters only come pre-equipped with furniture. Besides, I suppose what I've bought could be considered academic supplies in a way since they are for school.

I continue to watch as you move around the kitchen and prepare our tea. It is only now that I wonder why you are doing so. Haven't we already bought drinks? They're your favorite too.

"Hey Shizuru, the tea's almost ready," you call out. When you turn around and see that I am staring back at you, you smile self-consciously. "You want some?"

"Yes," I reply before reluctantly standing up. I suppose I shouldn't allow you to do all the work, especially since this is my room.

I take our dinners out from the bags you set on the table. I then carry the bags into the kitchen and sort through the contents, placing everything that needs to be in the refrigerator in it. Once done, I then find the tray that I had bought earlier and hand it to you.

"Thanks."

"Do you need any help?"

"I'm fine," you say before setting the teapot and cups on the tray and walking back to the table. I follow after you with utensils in hand.

When I return to my seat, I see that you have already poured two cups.

"Here."

"Thank you," I say as I receive it. I then take a sip. The instant I do so I am surprised by the taste. You had used the gyokuro leaves that the Rijichou-san had gifted me and prepared them perfectly. When I look curiously up at you, you laugh.

"Did I do it right?"

"Yes, quite well. I am surprised," I say before taking another sip. I can feel more of my nervous energy dissipate as the familiar taste of tea washes through me. This is much better than the one served at that mansion.

The proper preparation of gyokuro, especially the way I prefer it, takes a good deal of thought. The quantity of leaves in each pot, the temperature it is best steeped in, and the time the leaves are steeped in the tea—these all have to be carefully accounted for. And you have done so, Natsuki. I am particularly impressed with the temperature of the tea. I prefer it prepared around 110°F. This gives the tea a stronger flavor than what is usually recommended. You have managed to get very close without a thermometer which is quite impressive for someone who only drinks tea when she is with me.

You laugh again in relief. "I'm glad I remembered."

"You remembered?"

"Yeah. You taught me a while back."

"Natsuki, that was nearly two years ago."

"I'm always drinking tea with you and…well, you gave me that box too, a while back."

"I was under the impression you were going to give it away."

"I, uh, lied." When I turn to look at you, you blush and stammer, "I didn't remember the brand you would always get and if I asked you would…you would give me that look you're giving me now! Mou, Shizuru, stop it!"

"I didn't know you liked tea," I gently tease.

"It's healthy, all right!"

"I didn't know Natsuki is so mindful with her health, especially since she's eating mayo all the time."

"Shizuru!" When I only giggle in response, you huff before breaking into a smile. "Geez."

I return your smile before taking another sip from my cup. It seems like I'm always learning about you. Just as I think I've learned all there is to know, you seem to always surprise me with a different side of your personality—a different nuance of your expression. And as we sit here like this, I find that I am glad—I am happy that we are here. I am happy to be alive again.

The time I share with you now is precious as it is something I never expected to have again. I had thought that, in the moment I chose to embark on my campaign to destroy everything that stood in your way, I no longer would be able to laugh with you like this. Now that our lives have resumed and the days begin to trickle past us, I am very relieved to find you still at my side. The time we now share is something truly precious. Regardless of my own insecurities, I know that my time with you is important to me. It must be valuable to you as well considering all the effort you have spent on me. These last few days must have been hard on you, Natsuki.

I still have difficulty ignoring the fact that you have been overly conscientious of me. I have tried my best to not dwell on it since there were other things that require my full attention. I am still not too sure how to react to your concern. A part of me is elated by your action: your words—your continual pledges—have brought a great deal of relief to me. And yet, there is another side of me that cannot trust your words. It's not as if I don't believe you, Natsuki—I just don't trust myself. After all, there is much that I am still holding back.

I know better than anyone that the more you restrain yourself, the more you cannot contain your base desires once that restraint is depleted. Once it is depleted, there is no control left to suppress those hungry fires. This is especially true for me given that my manufactured façade reacts badly to my inherent personality which results in my occasional outbursts. Even now I suppress my rage, my longing, and my supercilious temper. My current mood is likely a result of all that has happened. Now that I am home, all my emotional fortitude has been discarded leaving me in this uncomfortable state. I am perhaps a breath away from my limit.

Perhaps noticing my sullen mood, you change the conversation.

"So, after I left, how did everything go?" you ask, referring to the meeting at the Suzushiro estate.

"It was very productive. I was able to receive both of their support to a degree that I did not expect."

"That's good," you say before you trail off. "What about Suzushiro? She went to find you after a while."

"We chatted after my conversation with her father. It went well."

"Really?" you ask skeptically.

"Yes, really," I respond. When you lean closer to me, I can't help smiling at your earnestness. Perhaps it is because of this, I find myself revealing more to you. "For our own reasons, we find no fault in each other's past actions. She…she does not blame me."

Even as I say this, I cannot hide my own incredulity. I was focused on our conversation at that time, but the fact that Suzushiro approached me as she did is a source of wonder. Instead of denouncing me like I expected her to, Suzushiro-san instead proceeded to empathize with me. She purposefully approached me with the intention of redressing our broken ties. She did what I never thought she would: she apologized to me in spite of the fact that I was the one who killed her. I never thought such a thing could happen. I never expected it.

Human emotions are a strange thing. The way one reacts, the way one responds to another person…perhaps I was too hasty in my negativity before, Natsuki. I suppose I am still learning about this world and it is much too early for me to condemn it.

"Shizuru?"

"After all of this, I suppose I should be kinder to Suzushiro-san," I say quietly, more to myself than to anyone else.

"Yeah…"

"Were you speaking to Kikukawa-san? I heard a loud clang coming from outside earlier."

You frown before looking away. "It's nothing. We just disagreed about something."

"What did she say?"

"Nothing! I mean, she said nothing," you repeat in a softer tone, looking unsure. "I just disagreed with something she said." When you see that what you have said has not pacified me, you then say, "It doesn't concern you."

"If you say so," I respond, deciding to relent. It is better that I remain oblivious to what she said. At the same time, I feel a sinking feeling in my stomach. Did Kikukawa-san say something about my conduct? That intrusive girl…I'll—

"Sheesh, Shizuru, I said it was nothing! She was complaining about how your plans made hers and Suzushiro's useless. I just told her to shut up."

I smile without looking at you and instead stare at my undulating reflection in the teacup that I am nursing in my lap. I know that you are lying but I am still touched by your attempt to ameliorate my fears. Once more I am reminded by my exhaustion: judging by your expression, you saw my anger sharply spike to the point my face revealed my ugly thoughts.

"Thank you," I say emptily.

"Um…yeah." When I don't respond, you decide to change the subject. "So, I've only heard bits and pieces but what is your plan for Fuuka?"

"Do you really want to know? It's rather complicated."

"Yeah. It's going to affect me, isn't it?"

"It will be indirectly for the most part. But," I sigh as I set my teacup down on the table, "I suppose I should explain it, especially the parts that concern you."

You look at me curiously and I can't help smiling at your expression. Despite my distraction, I still can't help admiring you. You really are too cute, Natsuki, with your round cheeks puffed up by the slight frown on your pink lips and the bridge of your nose scrunched up in concentration. You look like a puppy that I just want to pet and reassure.

"Most of my plan is self-explanatory as it continues the narrative we've set out since the start of the school year and the events that happened since the explosion at the bridge. Even though the attack Searrs launched against us was concealed for the most part, I plan on revealing some of their intentions and fabricating the rest."

"What do you mean?"

"The Student Council was told by the Searrs military that they were investigating terrorists who blew up the bridge, fled to the school, and possibly carried bioweapons. This was so they could lure out the HiME. Their excuse is not known outside of the Student Council as the entire situation was hushed by the media acting with the guidance of the First District," I say effortlessly. "I plan on using all of this to my advantage: if we twist their explanation and make them appear to be the terrorists, no one would know the difference. If we therefore say something like they were investigating old relics from the war and used the explosion at the bridge as a cover up…I suppose we can use that to explain quite a few things that have happened in the last year."

"So that explosion in the mountain, the fires Mai caused…"

"Yes. They can be retroactively attributed to Searrs's presence. We can even say they dug up old land mines and triggered them one way or another."

"But that excuse isn't going to make people return. They'll avoid Fuuka more if they think something dangerous is here."

"Correct. That is why we invite the Japanese Self-Defense Force and perhaps the American army as well to investigate. They will confirm the academy is now safe, the terrorists were found, and all the traces of Searrs' activity have been negated. Any further out of place destruction can be explained by the army operation or their skirmish with the terrorists. What more, to pacify the students, we will also establish our own defenses."

"Our own defenses?"

"Yes. Fuuka Gakuen has always hinged on the principle 'for the students, by the students," I say in response to your baffled look. "It is thus only natural that we begin training our own students using government resources and create our own self-defense force in response to the attack."

"Do you really think they're let that happen?" you ask, curious.

"Yes. We use the First District's influence," I explain patiently. Your back instantly stiffens and you stare wide-eyed at me. I can't help my own expression from falling in distaste as I remember my own response when the Chairwoman mentioned this alternative to me. Nevertheless, I continue speaking. "They are alive. The Rijichou-san confirmed that she resurrected them."

Honestly, I can't believe I didn't consider it before the Chairwoman told me. When we were revived, Natsuki, I saw the Sister and Ishigami-sensei before us. Judging by their stance, I suspect that the Sister had killed them both. The fact that she was brought back along with Ishigami-sensei means that the Queen of Hell's influence was larger than what I once considered. She can even resurrect people whose essence was not stored by the Obsidian Lord. I also recall that she mentioned Alyssa Sears in her conversation at the meeting earlier today which means she too has returned from the dead.

"They're…they're all alive?" you repeat again in disbelief.

"Yes," I say promptly before you can become further distracted. "Reito-san has also confirmed that they are still under his command and they will agree to oversee my plan. We can therefore utilize their connections within the Japanese government to garner necessary resources and concurrences."

"But that doesn't mean the American military's going to let you unless…wait, Yamada told me that Searrs has enough power to influence the next president. That means they have ties to the government as well. So, if they don't want to be revealed, they'd have to acquiesce to whatever you say and help push for Fuuka's militarization. Shizuru, you're…you're going to use their own power against them."

I smile self-indulgently at the awestruck look you give to me. I am pleased at how quickly you have caught on. As expected of my Natsuki. I take another sip of my tea before continuing, "With all of this considered, Searrs is thus forced to allow us to militarize our borders and agree with whatever statement we present. Our perspective will become the public canon as the First District will not speak out and neither will Searrs as I doubt they are willing jeopardize their entire organization just to chase us. This is for the best since we no longer have our HiME power to protect ourselves with. Therefore, if we cannot defend ourselves, we should have other contingency plans. And so, if we are prepared along these lines, Fuuka Gakuen will not be so easily attacked again as now the entire country—if not the entire world's—attention will be on us and we have our own form of self-defense as backup.

"Even more," I continue pleasantly when you continue to look at me with astonishment, "this also forces most of the students to return to the campus as they will otherwise look like traitors and cowards for abandoning Fuuka. I suppose we might even see an influx of new students in the coming years if we establish ourselves as a premiere military school. And, if we must, we can also include the bioweapon excuse Searrs made to ensure that all the students return for testing."

"Shizuru…"

"Now that we have Suzushiro Construction working on our behalf, we can also use them and our students' own efforts to speed up the reconstruction of the school," I absentmindedly continue. "And if Reito-san and I can guarantee a spot on Fuuka Gakuen's Board of Directors for Suzushiro-san's father, than the First District's influence on the school will also be lessened. I am sure he will be incredibly bothersome for them and a useful confidant," I say with a pleased smile. When I look back up at you, however, my smile immediately fades.

Your wide-eyed confusion has narrowed into a nervous suspicion that is tinged with anger. It is unbearable, your gaze. It reminds me of the look you gave me before our battle. I close my eyes and turn away from you. I try to forget how eyes burn straight through me. It is too much for someone like me who is accustomed to twisting truths and manipulating outcomes to my advantage. It makes me far too aware of my own personal downfalls and bloodied hands.

It is then that I realize how merciless my plan must sound to you: you likely see how each group is forced to comply with my wishes. Searrs, the First District, Reito-san, the Suzushiro family, the students and teachers of Fuuka Gakuen—they will all be presented the option of either adhering to my plan or else risking some version of ruin. You are intelligent enough to pick up on the things that I have purposefully glossed over. You have even seen me building the foundation of my empire of manipulative deceit in the way I've threatened both Reito-san and Suzushiro-san's father. For someone like you who has spent most of her life trying to uncover treacherous ploys such as this, to find the person sitting in front of you—the person who you once instinctively trusted—planning her own conspiracy must feel like yet another betrayal.

But I can't stop now, Natsuki. I will go forward with my plan regardless of what you think of it and what you think of me. After all, this is all I have left of me. No—that's not true.

"There is something else I'd like you to know," I say quietly.

"What is it?"

I probably shouldn't have brought it up, but I did say before that I would tell you everything that concerns you. The trepidation inside of me rises. It's like a scratching at the back of my mind that insists to be brought up. I know that I am walking on the path of my own destruction, yet I cannot stop it. "It is about the First District," I say. This instantly gets your attention and you look cautiously up at me. "As part as my agreement with them, they've agreed to give you access to whatever information you desire."

Your eyes instantly widen. Whatever was left from the calm atmosphere between us has now completely dissipated. The pressure continues to intensify. "Why would they do that?" you ask.

"Though I destroyed most of the First District's grounds, I purposefully kept their data center intact. It will take them time to sort everything out. When it is all restored, however, they have agreed to provide you with anything you request."

The way your expression falls causes my heart to pang. You're disappointed that I sidestepped the question. I have shown you more of my ugly side. My current behavior must reinforce my actions during the Carnival in your mind. Even though I have yet to kill anyone since my resurrection, that doesn't mean I am suddenly incapable or unwilling to do so. You have likely inferred this much. I refuse to let anything stand in the way of my goals.

"Why? Shizuru…why?"

Your question remains heavy in the air. I know what you are asking beneath your clumsily stated demand. You are asking why I would still go to such lengths to achieve my means. And I am…I am not sure how to answer that question, Natsuki.

I remember my parting words the other day when you were leaving Mai-san's apartment. I regret baiting you as you must think my connection with the First District runs deeper than in actually does, especially now that I have also revealed my blood relation to them. At the same time, I had no choice. As I am now, I only have one path to walk. After all, even for all my misdirection, my motivation has never changed. And despite any of my misgivings, I choose to continue on. After all I—

Natsuki, I want you to know that I'm always thinking about you.

Have I not spoken these words to you before? Have I not told you this? I told you that I am always considerate of what you desire and I promised to get rid of the things you disliked and I am nothing if not consistent to my word. I preserved the First District's data center on the off chance you would be interested. Even when I lost my mind, I retained you in it. The driving force of my being has always remained the same. Even now it is so; even now everything I do is because of you. It is all for you, Natsuki. And yet—

"My agreement with them entitles you to that data," I say as I try to push my thoughts aside. "It is up to you if you want to make use of it. Reito-san will introduce you to the ones you will need to see."

"Kanzaki will?" you retort, "what about you?"

Uncertainty continues to grow inside of me. It gnaws at me and scratches against my inner walls as you look at me with a mix of trepidation, fear, and antagonism. I know I should not have brought this up but I could not help it. And now that we are discussing it, I cannot stop it. My head aches.

"I am not affiliated with the First District. I know very little about how they operate."

I barely remember their faces, really. I simply murdered everyone in the vicinity of the grounds Nagi transported me to. One by one, person by person, limb by limb. My approach was calmly systematic. I felt nothing but a serene sense of achievement that night. It was only after the fact that their terrified screams and agonized cries registered to me as the cacophonous sounds that make up the theme of my reoccurring nightmares.

"What about your grandmother?"

"I have yet to speak with her since her demise. I plan to the day after tomorrow."

You do not respond and instead turn away from me.

Something inside of me continues to stir. There is pressure in my chest, constraining my breath. Unable to bear the sudden intense pressure I am feeling, I stand up. "I am tired. Good night Natsuki. I will eat in the morning. We can discuss this at a later time."

"Shizuru!" you demand as you stand up. "You can't just leave like this."

"Goodnight, Natsuki," I repeat as I turn my back to you. I know this childish avoidance will not help me. It leaves me open to more of your inquisition. But I don't know what else to do against this sudden onslaught of emotion welling inside of me. I can't face it—I don't want to face it at all. I'm scared to find what you would now say to me, what you now think of me.

Before I can walk away, I feel your hand on my shoulder as you pull me violently back. When I turn to face your heated glare, I find my own irritation growing in spite of myself.

"I said, 'Goodnight, Natsuki," I state coldly, my voice low and threatening.

Your hand tightens painfully on my shoulder before you take a step back and let me go.

I walk to my bed and lay down on it. I yank at my red tie off and tug at my collar to loosen it before pulling the bed sheets over my body. Yet even though I had loosened my collar, I feel as if the noose around my neck is still slowly constricting. My head hurts as my mind continues to churn as I see how my past, present, and future actions weave before me. This pulsing inside of me is growing stronger and stronger.

Despite these quiet days passing by us, the fact remains that I have not changed. Fragmented as I may be, I am still the same person who killed for you and I would do so all over again. When I go over my recent actions, I realize how much this still holds true. I have no stipulations or illusions of myself: I know that I am not a good person. I know that I can do anything to suit my goals whether they involve you or not. People mean nothing to me. You mean—no, you should mean nothing to me. You belong to me, Natsuki, so your will is lesser to mine. I will do things you hate because you are mine.

And yet…and yet there you are, Natsuki. There is the fact that my love for you changes that perspective as you make me want to be a better person, someone who is able to proudly stand by your side. I want to be with you in your brilliant light, not hidden away in my own pitiful shadows. But if this is true than it means…it means that there is more to me, more for me to consider. You make me question the previous assessment of myself and I am someone who knows—who has to know—myself well. I need know what I consist of; I need know what I am made of. Yet these dueling, contradictory feelings continue to stir inside of me until they rise and spread across all that I am and bring me to a state of unknowing—something I completely despise. My eyes shut tightly as I turn onto my side as I try to contain the inexplicable rage and frustration that boils inside me.

I hear you pacing in the living room before you growl. The door then slams furiously shut as you stomp out. A couple minutes later I hear your motorcycle roaring into the night as you drive away.

Oh Natsuki. Natsuki, Natsuki. How I love you, Natsuki. I focus on this and yet at the same time I cannot. Back during that wretched night, it had been easy to make my choice, to swiftly cut through anything that stopped me. Yet now it is difficult. Yet now it is…incoherent. I don't know what to feel let alone articulate it even to myself. I care for you yet I now distance myself from you. The reason why escapes me and yet—

It comes back to me now, crackling and burning brightly in my mind. This uncertainty that I have tried to contain this past week continues to gnaw at me and the frustration rises within me like bile, streaming through me as I grow both more panicked and enraged. My mind overloads as my chest heaves, the muscles in my arms tense as I want to lash out at something, someone. Yet as I always have, I try to restrain it, chain it, and bubble it inside of me. I am not someone who screams into pillows or throws temper tantrums. I am not someone who does things unplanned. Everything has a place. Characteristic to the name I bear, I am one to stay silent in regards to the things that plague me. At the same time—

The elder Suzushiro's words come back to haunt me. Within the few minutes of our conversation he had easily seen through all my guises. And so, he questioned me and my motivation. Even though he had no proof of my involvement with the destruction of Fuuka, he still intrinsically was able to piece together enough to question my character. And you were there, Natsuki. You must have made the same conclusions as him, especially with all that you know.

The layers of my defenses will be—and have been—pulled back and I will be uncovered for all that I am. It is inevitable that you will see me for all my bad habits, my unpleasant personality, and my destructive faults. As you have demanded it, all that I am will be revealed to you. And I wonder what will then happen. At the very end of this, I wonder who you will see me as when I am dyed in the color of your judgment. I barely know myself now, let alone what you think of me.

The pounding in my head—this uncomfortable feeling—dulls into a furious roar. Contradiction upon contradiction falls upon me like knives. This cannot last. This cannot last. Something will soon give—I just don't know what it will be.

This night continues to silently rage on.